Three is a Crowd

Frank sat on the couch, shrugging his jacket off. He seemed nervous and agitated, waiting patiently for Amanda to sit down. ‘So…’ Amanda started awkwardly, wanting to get on with it and find out what exactly it was Frank thought was so important for her to know. Frank barely registered that he heard her, deep in his own thoughts. Amanda guessed he was trying to figure out how to word what is was he needed to get out. Maybe he was worried about how much he should reveal, or how Gerard would react if, or when, he discovered Frank was talking to Amanda so bluntly about him. ‘When I first met Gerard’ Frank eventually began after a sharp intake of breath to get him going ‘it wasn’t love at first sight. I had a girlfriend and believe it or not I was madly in love with her. She was everything I ever thought I wanted. She was cute, smart, and funny, she had this laugh that was so freaking adorable it was almost a crime. We met in high school and I swore that I would never want anyone else. I mean, why should I? I had the perfect woman who actually loved me as much as I loved her. We planned it all out, college, getting an apartment together, marriage, and babies. The full works. We were together for four years when I met Gerard. He had Lindsay who was as beautiful on the inside as she on the outside. When Jamia and Lindsay met in at the end of college they bonded straight away, becoming attached at the hip pretty much. It was only a matter of time before I met Gerard. It started off as nothing more than a friendship. I mean, we had so much in common it was hard not to like the guy so we got along really well. We would chat while Jamia and Lindsay forced us to go out on double dates or to some party where we knew no one. Over time we started hanging out just by ourselves while the girls did whatever girlie stuff they wanted to do and it just…it’s hard to describe it really. We felt like we were one fucking person in a way if that makes sense. The thing was, we were both straight. Or so we told ourselves. I denied the fact that I was attracted to him, believing that it was a passing phase or something. I mean, I’d never been attracted to a man before and people don’t just suddenly turn guy, right? The fact that I knew the colour of his eyes better than Jamia’s, that I found the sight of his smile so adorable I just wanted to melt meant nothing. The fact that I had to stop myself from getting hard when I smelt his cologne; it was all just a passing phase. I didn’t want anything to happen because from the bottom of my heart I still loved Jamia and I wanted the family and kids. Then one day, we both went out and got wasted. I mean, really fucking wasted. I don’t know what it was we took to this day and to be honest I’m not sure I want to know. All I know is that we wound up in my apartment watching a movie and out of nowhere we just…started kissing… In the apartment that I shared with my girlfriend of five years. I was in denial about it the next day. I freaked out, told him I never wanted to see him again, that I wasn’t "a fucking queer" 'He shook his head at his own words, seeming ashamed of what he had said. ‘We didn’t talk for weeks. I won’t lie; the next six weeks were the most miserable weeks of my life. I know it sounds cliché but it felt like the sun had fucking gone. Everything lost it’s colour, nothing was happy or fun…it just was. I had been apart from Jamia for two months before and I never felt anything like it. I was so close to breaking down and calling him, telling him I was sorry, and that I wanted him like crazy. Then one night, when I was left on my own while Jamia was out with the girls I hear this banging on my front door. I opened it and there he was, Gerard in all his drunken glory. He started rambling about how he was sorry, that he didn’t mean it. I remember just thinking to myself ‘even when he’s drunk and annoying he’s so cute’. So, I did what I felt was the right thing to do. I kissed him. After that we started meeting up again¸ doing stuff but never quite having full sex. I was fucking terrified, and so was Gerard I think. But he loved me. Even then, I knew it. He looked at me with so much adoration that I felt like garbage when I thought about how I refused to end things with Jamia. The truth was, I was scared. Being with Gerard meant giving up the future I had planned for years. I don’t know if you ever had life goals or ambitions that meant a lot to you, if you have than I’m sure you can imagine how I felt about having to let all of them go. The thing about secrets is that they all come out in the end. One night we were hanging out in Gerard’s apartment when Lindsay came home and found us in the bedroom. Man, I’ve never seen someone so fucking…crushed. I knew she would tell Jamia when she was finished yelling at Gerard so I went home and broke up with Jamia. I never felt so low, so unworthy of being alive as I did that night. I had to tell the woman who spent five years of her life with me, with all these hopes and dreams of our big future that I was in love with someone else, and a guy for that matter. As expected it didn’t go down well. She was heartbroken and devastated. She kicked me out right there and then, told me she never wanted to see me ever again. After spending five years with someone, hearing those words hurt. She was a big part of my life, more than that she was my friend. She knew all my shitty little secrets, my insecurities, flaws and weaknesses. It was hard to walk away from that. After that night I went to Gerard and we both just cried. The thing is though, you think after that it would’ve been some kind of ‘happily ever after’ right? Thing is, I’m a coward who was fucking terrified of committing myself to a man. It meant I would have to come out to my parents, my friends, everyone. Gerard seemed to be okay with the idea but I held back. Eventually I decided to just get it over and done with, I figured maybe it was just like a band aid. If I did it in one go it would be less painful. So, I got my parents together, along with some friends and I did it. My mother cried, but she accepted me. No, even more than that she loved me still. My father didn’t take it so well. To this day we keep in minimal contact. We meet up a couple of times a year but it’s never been the same since. Most of my friends were cool about it thankfully but some of them... well they showed their true colours after that.’ ‘That must have been hard’ The words left Amanda’s mouth as she thought them, her hand reaching out to give Frank’s arm a comforting squeeze. ‘It was’ he stated bluntly ‘and I didn’t take it well. The fallout from it all hit me really hard. I was trying to forge out a career in music which is a pretty tough industry to break into. On top of that I was dealing with my new found sexuality along with building a new relationship with a guy, which is something both of us were struggling with. A relationship with a man is very different than having a relationship with a woman. With Jamia, everything was trying to read between the lines, making sure I didn’t say or do the wrong thing. With Gerard, if I did something stupid I was told about it, bluntly. I didn’t have to worry about leaving the toilet seat up or not cleaning up after myself. When he wanted sex he initiated it, instead of waiting for me to pick up the signs and make a move. It scared me. I couldn’t help but feel that something was going to happen to even out all the pain I’d caused Jamia.’ He cleared his throat to clear some of the hoarseness in his voice. ‘Gerard was fucking perfect. He was affectionate, patient, and loyal. Then I fucked it up. I was out one night with an old friend when we bumped into someone from high school, Conor. He was a loose friend in school, we hung around the same circle sometimes. Anyway he joined us for a few drinks. When it came out that Jamia and I had broken up and that I was now with a man he wouldn’t let it drop. All night I had to put up with snide remarks about how I was ‘incapable of pleasing of woman’ and that’s why I suddenly ‘turned gay’. Eventually I just lost it. He’d goaded me until I snapped at him to shut it. He just fucking laughed at me, told me if I was so sure I could still get a woman to go find one. So I did. I picked up the first girl that responded to me and I fucked her. I felt horrible the next day, that I couldn’t even look at Gerard. I’d always been faithful with Jamia and it took me three months to cheat on Gerard. I wanted to ruin it I suppose, I felt like I didn’t deserve to be happy. I thought he would dump me when I told him, that I would be stuck alone and miserable. I told him I didn’t think I was ready for a monogamous relationship. That I was incapable of offering him the relationship he wanted just to make sure I pushed him away. He didn’t speak for a couple of hours after I told him. You know what a mouthy fucker he is, and I had actually made him speechless for the first time ever. When we did talk again, he told me he would take me any way he would have me even if it meant sharing me with other people, just as long as there were no feelings involved.’ He laughed sarcastically. ‘I was so fucking angry. I mean, most people would show you the door but Gerard just took it. So, I decided to shove it in his face in hopes of showing him just how horrible a person I was. Every weekend I would go out and pick up some chick, screw her in our apartment. I did this for a year straight before he decided to give me some of my own medicine. It fucking hurt so much. I couldn’t do anything about it though. I was the one who had created the situation. I think deep down Gerard knew exactly what I was trying to do, but he loved me so much he couldn’t let me go. But he changed. He went from being an affectionate, easy going person to this introverted dominating angry man. I hate myself for that, but I didn’t know how to fix it. Then you came along. He started acting like his old self again. He got excited about something, and he was opening up to someone. It’s why I was threatened by you at first. Then I realised that for once I had to put Gerard first. He stayed with me even when I trampled all over him. Having you around makes him happy, more relaxed. He’s drawing again on the days me and you do our thing, something he hasn’t done in years. He doesn’t carry around all this anger anymore.’ ‘Why are you telling me this?’ Amanda stopped him before he could make her feel any worse. ‘Because I want you to know that he loves you. Even if he hasn’t said it yet, he does. You made him want to be a better person. I thought you loved him too.’ ‘I do’ she choked out, tears slipping down her cheeks. ‘Oh God, I fucked up, didn’t I?’ ‘Amanda, I’ve only seen Gerard speechless twice in all the time I’ve known him. The second time was today. He’s hurt right now but Gerard is loyal and deep down he’s a pushover. If you want him all you have to do is go get him. Just promise me something. Only come back if you’re sure this is what you want, because if you hurt us again I won’t be letting you back.’ He stood up from the couch and picked up with jacket, walking towards the door with a solemn expression on his face. When he opened her door he turned around, giving her one last look. ‘Call me when you make your decision.’ The door closed behind him, his last words ringing through the apartment.

Notes

Hi All

Work stress is killing my writing mojo. I hope this makes up for it. Please comment/subscribe and rate.

I really hope you enjoyed, until next time.
:)