I Mean This: Never Again

Gerard fled from the studio as fast as he could afterwards. He hadn't allowed himself to cry in the studio, so he let his tears flow the moment he got in his car.

Only two things were rolling around in Gerard's head: rape and Frankie.

When Gerard had read A Midsummer Night's Dream in seventh grade, his teacher always danced around the topic of what Demetrius would do to Hermia, until one kid asked outright: "Is Demetrius planning to rape Hermia?"

The teacher explained to them that, yes, that was what Demetrius was planning to do, but that they shouldn't use that word. "The dirty r-word", she called it. From then on, whenever they had to discuss it, they called it "taking advantage of".

Now that it had happened, Gerard refused to use the phrase he had been taught. Rape was sexual intercourse carried out forciably and with threat of injury to persons involved. That's what had happened to Gerard. "Rape," Gerard whispered. "I've been raped."

The other topic— Frankie. Frank never mentioned being forced to have Alex's dick in his mouth; maybe he was too embarrassed to say it. But he never shyed away from having Gerard's dick in his mouth.

And how would Gerard tell him? He could come right out— "I was at the studio and Alex raped me"— but he let out a loud gasping sob just at the thought of having to tell Frank.

He felt dirty. Like he'd never be clean again, no matter how many showers he took, how hard he scrubbed... It would always be there. Alex would always be there.

Then, Gerard realized that he'll have to see Alex again tomorrow. And the day after that, and the day after that; for 10 days, he would have to face Alex. Thankfully, Frank would be there with him for the next nine days; Mikey would be there as well, and that soothed Gerard a little. But not enough.

Gerard pulled his car over, not trusting himself to drive when he was this upset. He slammed his palms against the steering wheel, yelling out: "Fuck!" Tears leaked out of his eyes as he buried his head in his hands.

Suddenly, the thought of being around Alex re-entered his head and Gerard threw himself out of the car, vomiting the contents of his stomach onto the street. It wasn't much, except for stomach bile and a muffin from that morning, but it hurt like hell coming up.

He hated throwing up. When he was younger, his mother would always set a cold, damp towel on the back of his neck and rub his back while he heaved into the toilet. But that more than 10 years ago, and his mother wasn't there with him. He wouldn't receive any comfort when he was 25.

Then, he became aware of his phone ringing inside the car. He wiped his mouth and running nose on the sleeve of his sweatshirt and got back in, picking up the vibrating phone. Frankie <3 the screen said and Gerard gasped. He didn't want to answer, but he knew Frank would lose his shit of he didn't answer.

"Gee, are you okay?" Frank asked when he answered. Gerard realized that it had been about an hour since the studio session ended— 30 minutes for the forced blowjob, 20 minutes to drive to where he was, then however long it took to throw up.

Gerard couldn't speak. The taste of bile stuck in his mouth, and the feeling of Alex wouldn't go away. "Frankie, something... Really bad happened to me," he whispered finally.

"Oh my God, are you okay?" Frank asked. "Are you hurt? Do I need to come pick you up?"

"No, it's okay," Gerard said, containing a sob. "I'll be home soon. I love you, Frankie baby."

"Love you too, Gee," Frank said, a bit hesitantly. He was reluctant to hang up, and was glad when Gerard did before he could.

How was Gerard going to face Frank? There was nothing Gerard wanted to do more than... But he couldn't... But what if... No, Frank would know... He would leave Gerard if...

If he drank.

Notes

I'm sorry for ruining your lives, lovelies. I also apologize for not posting a trigger at the beginning of the last chapter. That should be up now, and I'm sorry if I hurt you in any way by not putting that up. I forgot about it and honestly feel like shit for doing so.

Current mood:

xoøli