It's all tøø real

Its been two years since the accident. I'm back on my pills. I don't see much of Gerard anymore, and if i'm honest i'm not so sure if that's a good thing anymore. I miss him dearly. I did go on to marry Mikey. Mikey Way is a truly amazing man. He stayed with me and helped me through all of my counselling and treatments. I think he even sneaked himself an appointment. I think he really loves me. And I mean, I love him too, but after all this time, I know I'm just attaching myself to him because every little aspect of him reminds me of Gerard. Pathetic I know. I can't help it.
I've tried to forget about Gerard and move o, but it never works.
There's been times where I've stopped taking my medication just to get a glimpse. Just to see that greasy black hair, once more, just to hear his voice again. But I've learned how to limit myself. I'll see him and I'll pop a few pills before he can get to far in my head again.
I think Mikey knows. I think he's just accepted that I can't completely let him go. I always wonder if he feels like he just lives in Gerard's shadow. And then there's times where it really feels like that's all he is to me. Like I said, I feel terrible about it, but I don't think he'll ever leave me because of it. He tried to hard to just let me go.
And I mean don't get me wrong, we have good times. We laugh and watch t.v together and we sit and stare up at the stars, trying to figure out what goes on above them. But then there are also the times where we just sit at the kitchen table, in complete silence, our coffee gone cold, still clutched in our stiff hands. And we stay there for hours on end.
I made a band.
Can you believe it ? I actually got off of my pitiful ass and achieved one of my dreams. We're decently popular. We never tour,because I can barely bring myself to get out of bed at times, but we have a few hundred plays on Spotify and iTunes.
I even wrote a song about Gerard, I named it, 'All I Want Is You'. I've caught Mikey listening to it on repeat a few times before. I know I hurt Mikey. I don't mean to, but I also don't find myself caring.
It's selfish, I know, but God, I don't think I could love him or anyone else like I loved Gerard.
I visit his grave two times a week. Mikey used to come with me, but after about six months he started letting me just go by myself. That was something I did feel bad about. I dragged that poor man to his dear brother's grave every week.
Mikey acts okay, like he's found the right way to cope, but I know he hasn't. I know he's not okay. There's been countless nights where I've pretended to be asleep while he wept right next to me. I wanted to roll over and just hold him, but I feel like he really just needs to let it out every now and then.
We talked about kids once. We quickly decided against it. We really didn't want to put a child through the depressing environment I always seem to carry around with me. It's like you can smell the catastrophe on me. I'm basically the poster boy for the effects of a tragedy.
I think the saddest part of it all is how badly I wanted this all to have a happy ending.
But even though I got remarried and made a career for myself, I still let this end sad.
No matter what I do I will always hold onto Gerard's memory in the worst way possible.
I'll hold onto him like a little devil on my should that gets heavier and heavier with each day.
This should be a story where a schizophrenic little boy learns how to accept reality and overcome a terrible tragedy and carry on his lost one's memory in the best way.
But it's not like that.
This story ends with a man that ruins his own life, obsessing over his dead fiance, while dragging down a great man with him.
This story ends with a man who never gets over a death and pities himself until his own demise..
This story ends with a man who never found his happiness again.
This story ends with a man who has given up.
This story ended in the worst way possible.
But sometimes that's just how it is.
So long and goodnight to you all.
. -xoxoFrnk

Notes

36 chapters
17 votes
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78 comments
15,722 views
and an un-revised, short ending.
I hope you all enjoyed and I can never thank you enough for sticking around with me.
With love,
. MissileDreams/Katie Helton