THE BADLANDS [ON HOLD]
All I Want For Christmas Is You
“I just want you here tonight,
Holding onto me so tight,
What more can I do?
All I want for Christmas is you...” -All I Want For Christmas Is You, My Chemical Romance
The mail two days before Christmas is very mundane. Bills, mostly, but it's the last envelope that interests me. The Battery City Detention Center, the return address says and the front says "Ms. Ashley Frangipane".
Not taking my eyes off of the envelope, I stumble into my living room, dropping onto the couch. I place the stack of bills on the mug-ringed coffee table and tear into it, my hands shaking.
The only contents are two pieces of paper, one with writing on it and the other with a drawing. I read the letter first, my heart clenching.
Dear Ash,
It's already been more than a month. Time flies, huh? I'm sure life's been pretty boring without me there. I may just be a vain man, but I'd like to imagine that both of our lives are much more exciting when we're in them.
What's been going on with you? Have you watched the original Star Wars yet? If you haven't, (A) what's the matter with you? and (B) get Mikey-Way to show you. It's probably his second favorite movie ever, right behind Jaws.
Isn't it ironic that his favorite movie is Jaws, yet he's terrified of the ocean? Such a strange world this is.
So, I know what you're doing right now: sitting on your couch, most likely either in a pair of my pajamas or just an oversized t-shirt (very classy, Ash. Very classy). You're probably listening to Christmas music, and drinking one of those frou-frou peppermint coffees that you love and always made me get you. You just got finished reading or something like that, most likely. You did, didn't you? I know you too well (Imagine I'm in front of you right now and I just winked).
Since I already knew what you're doing, I'll tell you what I'm doing. I'm hiding out in the corner of the yard with one of the friends I've made here. His name's Frank and he's in for being a rebel too. Frank's writing a letter to his wife (her name is Jamie, I think? I'll have to ask), and it made me want to write to you. Even though you're not my wife...
There are three main things to do here: play checkers, play cards, or talk to Frank. I can't play checkers here for two reasons: I suck at checkers (but you already knew this) and— don't ask me how— all of the checker pieces are missing. Like, there's a checkerboard but no pieces. It's ridiculous. The other option— to play cards— isn't amazing, either, because I'd be playing against Billie Joe. He's from East Bat City and he cheats at cards like a middle-aged housewife with a disappointing marriage.
That simile didn't work quite the way I wanted it to. I tried. Or is it a metaphor? Eh, whatever.
The ways I've been entertaining myself is to either talk to Frank or draw. I included one of my best with the letter. I had a dream about them; their name is Lola. Lola's pronouns are they, them, etc. Do not disrespect Lola. They'll hunt you down.
I've learned quite a bit about the man I now call my best friend. He's 21 and his birthday is on Halloween, proven by the tattoos on his knuckles. Frank has a ton of tattoos, on his arms and even on his neck. They're pretty fun to draw, actually. Frank's said that he's a 'slut for dogs' which just makes me giggle uncontrollably. Maybe you can meet him someday.
Anyway, tell Mikey I love him for me. Give Kristin a hug. Show various acts of affection to the myriad of people in my life.
Miss you, little sis. xoG
P.S (I just asked Frank— his wife's name is Jamia.)
I switch papers, and look at the drawing Gerard included. The picture is of a big, furry, pink cat-like creature. In the bottom of the page is a small scrawled signature, and I squint to see that it says 'xoG'.
He was right about a few things: I'm in a pair of his pajama pants. Even more ironically, they're Star Wars printed. They're a bit big on me, but the extra fuzzy fabric helps keep me warm. I was drinking one of the coffees he mentioned about 20 minutes ago, but I wasn't reading.
I rub the fabric between my fingers and think about the closing line of his letter. 'Miss you, little sis'. He acts like the night he got arrested never even happened. It's impossible for me to forget— I wonder if he remembers, too.
What a stupid question, I think. Of course he remembers sleeping with you.
I quickly push the thought out of my mind, saving it for another day. Instead, I decide to call Mikey and let him know about Gerard's letter. "Hey, Mikey Way," I say when he picks up after the second ring.
"Hey, Ash," Mikey says. "What's going on, are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm good," I tell him. "I got a letter from Gerard today." I quickly recite Gerard's letter and Mikey laughs at the same parts I did.
"This Frank dude seems pretty cool," Mikey says.
"Yeah, he does," I say. After a moment, I ask "Wanna visit him tomorrow? As a Christmas Eve present?"
"That sounds good," Mikey says. "I'd like that."
"Alright," I say, my spirits lifting for the first time in days. "I'll come for you tomorrow at maybe noon?"
"Noon is good," Mikey agrees.
"Great!" I cry. "Tell Kristin I said 'hello'."
"I'll let her know," Mikey says. "Alright, see you tomorrow."
"Okay," I say. "Bye."
The rest of the day I spend trying to keep my mind off of the subject that I've forbidden myself from thinking about. Ashley, repeat after me: Gerard did not forget about sleeping with you.
Gerard did not forget about sleeping with me. With that in mind, I settle down on my couch, pulling the green reindeer-printed blanket over my legs. I maneuver the remote to the TV to try to get it to work before clicking 'play'.
A black galaxy shows up on screen and white text slowly scrolls upwards, giving me time to read it. A few minutes before I started the movie, I had found the microwave popcorn (it was hiding in the back of my pantry, behind the crackers) and I made myself a bowl, so I could absently eat while I watched Gerard and Mikey's favorite movie.
"Ash," Mikey says, shaking my shoulder. "Time to wake up."
I sit up and Mikey lets out a laugh. "Watching Star Wars?" He asks and I open my eyes to see the TV still on, with the play screen stuck on a loop.
"Yeah," I say quietly, still waking up. "What time is it? And why're you in my house?"
"It is 11:30 in the morning, and I tried to call you a few hours ago and you weren't answering," Mikey explains, sitting down next to me. "I found a copy of your house key in Gerard's room and I used it to let myself in."
"That's..." I start, thinking of a word. Unable to find one, I settle with the phrase "I'm very tired."
"How? You slept for at least 11 hours," Mikey says, rubbing my back.
"Oh, God, don't do that," I say. "It makes me sleepy and I can't fall asleep again."
"Sorry," Mikey says. "Go on, get dressed."
I nod silently, making my way up my stairs to my bedroom. I search for something to wear and finally settle on a thick, red reindeer sweater with gray jeans and army boots.
I come back down the stairs, winding my hair into a tight knot on the top of my head. "Ready?" I ask, pulling on my black winter coat and feeling in the pocket for my keys.
"Yep," Mikey says, standing up. The TV's off and my empty popcorn bowl is on the table. "How did you like the movie?"
"It was really good," I tell him. "I see why you and Gerard like it so much."
The whole ride to the detention center, Mikey and I talk about Star Wars, how the movie could possibly be improved, or Mikey telling me about the other plethora of Star Wars movies and spin-offs.
We enter the front room, heat hitting us in the face. We approach the desk and see a man with dark brown hair working there. "Hello," he says. "How may I help you?"
"Is it possible to visit Gerard Way?" Mikey asks, taking initiative.
"Of course," the man smiles and taps at his computer screen a few times. "His time block for the yard is in about 10 minutes. Would you like to pull him now or would you rather wait?"
"Would it be a burden to pull him now?" Mikey asks.
"Not at all. May I have a name for you two?" the man asks.
"I'm Mikey Way, Gerard's brother, and this is Ashley Frangipane, Gerard's girlfriend," Mikey says without hesitation.
The man taps at his computer screen again and says "You can wait in those chairs, and my name is Ryan if you need anything."
"Thank you, Ryan," I say and smile at him before going and sitting next to Mikey.
"Mr. Way, Ms. Frangipane?" Ryan says after a few minutes. "We'll need to subject you to a search, then you can see Gerard."
Mikey nods and we both stand up, following Ryan back behind the doors to a small room where we get searched to make sure we're not smuggling in anything. Not that we would, anyway.
"He's waiting just in there," the guard who searched us says, nodding at a metal door.
"Thank you," Mikey says and opens the door.
Mikey flys into his older brother's arms, burying his face in Gerard's neck. "Gee!" Mikey literally cries, tears streaming down his face. "Oh my God."
"It's okay, Mikes," Gerard says, rubbing his brother's back. "I'm here now. It's okay."
Mikey pulls away, wiping his nose on the back of his hand. This gives me time to run to Gerard, hugging him tightly. He's a bit different— he's slightly skinnier and he doesn't slouch anymore— but he's still my Gerard. My weird, insane, old-movie-obsessed, best friend Gerard.
"I've missed you so much," I sob into his neck. "Oh my God, Gerard."
"Hi, Ash," he says and presses a kiss to my forehead. "How've you been? Did you get my letter?"
"Yeah, I got it yesterday," I say, pulling away. "I loved that picture of Lola that you sent, by the way."
"Oh, thanks," Gerard says, looking down at his feet. He sits down in the chair across the table from Mikey, and I make my place on the edge of the table. "How have you two been?"
"Pretty good," I say.
"She watched Star Wars last night," Mikey informs him. "Said it was amazing."
"It really was," I agree. "And your whole 'I know what you're doing' thing was spot on. I was even wearing your pajama pants."
"And they were your thriftstore Star Wars pants," Mikey says, smiling.
"Oh, that's nice," Gerard says. "Aren't they comfy?"
"Very," I answer and laugh a bit. The next hour is filled with little bits of laughter and such as Gerard gets caught up on everything that's happened to the two of us in the month he's been gone.
"Sorry, dude," Mikey says. "But Kris and I are going to dinner with her parents tonight, so I gotta head out early."
"That's fine," Gerard says. "See you soon, Mikey Way."
"You too, Gerard Way," Mikey says, hugging Gerard once more. "I love you, man."
"Love you, too," Gerard says, reluctantly letting go of his brother. After a second of them staring at each other, Mikey sighs and leaves the room.
"Mikey's my ride," I say quietly. "I need to be going."
I start to leave but Gerard grabs my wrist, standing up abruptly. He pulls me close to him and presses his forehead against mine, running his hands up and down my body. "I relive that night every time I close my eyes," he whispers in a low voice. I know exactly what he's talking about, and I put my hands on the back of his neck, pulling him still closer. "I think about how you completely gave yourself to me. How you trusted me."
"Gerard, I—" I start but he interrupts me.
"It was always you, Ashley," he tells me. "It was always you."
Holding onto me so tight,
What more can I do?
All I want for Christmas is you...” -All I Want For Christmas Is You, My Chemical Romance
The mail two days before Christmas is very mundane. Bills, mostly, but it's the last envelope that interests me. The Battery City Detention Center, the return address says and the front says "Ms. Ashley Frangipane".
Not taking my eyes off of the envelope, I stumble into my living room, dropping onto the couch. I place the stack of bills on the mug-ringed coffee table and tear into it, my hands shaking.
The only contents are two pieces of paper, one with writing on it and the other with a drawing. I read the letter first, my heart clenching.
Dear Ash,
It's already been more than a month. Time flies, huh? I'm sure life's been pretty boring without me there. I may just be a vain man, but I'd like to imagine that both of our lives are much more exciting when we're in them.
What's been going on with you? Have you watched the original Star Wars yet? If you haven't, (A) what's the matter with you? and (B) get Mikey-Way to show you. It's probably his second favorite movie ever, right behind Jaws.
Isn't it ironic that his favorite movie is Jaws, yet he's terrified of the ocean? Such a strange world this is.
So, I know what you're doing right now: sitting on your couch, most likely either in a pair of my pajamas or just an oversized t-shirt (very classy, Ash. Very classy). You're probably listening to Christmas music, and drinking one of those frou-frou peppermint coffees that you love and always made me get you. You just got finished reading or something like that, most likely. You did, didn't you? I know you too well (Imagine I'm in front of you right now and I just winked).
Since I already knew what you're doing, I'll tell you what I'm doing. I'm hiding out in the corner of the yard with one of the friends I've made here. His name's Frank and he's in for being a rebel too. Frank's writing a letter to his wife (her name is Jamie, I think? I'll have to ask), and it made me want to write to you. Even though you're not my wife...
There are three main things to do here: play checkers, play cards, or talk to Frank. I can't play checkers here for two reasons: I suck at checkers (but you already knew this) and— don't ask me how— all of the checker pieces are missing. Like, there's a checkerboard but no pieces. It's ridiculous. The other option— to play cards— isn't amazing, either, because I'd be playing against Billie Joe. He's from East Bat City and he cheats at cards like a middle-aged housewife with a disappointing marriage.
That simile didn't work quite the way I wanted it to. I tried. Or is it a metaphor? Eh, whatever.
The ways I've been entertaining myself is to either talk to Frank or draw. I included one of my best with the letter. I had a dream about them; their name is Lola. Lola's pronouns are they, them, etc. Do not disrespect Lola. They'll hunt you down.
I've learned quite a bit about the man I now call my best friend. He's 21 and his birthday is on Halloween, proven by the tattoos on his knuckles. Frank has a ton of tattoos, on his arms and even on his neck. They're pretty fun to draw, actually. Frank's said that he's a 'slut for dogs' which just makes me giggle uncontrollably. Maybe you can meet him someday.
Anyway, tell Mikey I love him for me. Give Kristin a hug. Show various acts of affection to the myriad of people in my life.
Miss you, little sis. xoG
P.S (I just asked Frank— his wife's name is Jamia.)
I switch papers, and look at the drawing Gerard included. The picture is of a big, furry, pink cat-like creature. In the bottom of the page is a small scrawled signature, and I squint to see that it says 'xoG'.
He was right about a few things: I'm in a pair of his pajama pants. Even more ironically, they're Star Wars printed. They're a bit big on me, but the extra fuzzy fabric helps keep me warm. I was drinking one of the coffees he mentioned about 20 minutes ago, but I wasn't reading.
I rub the fabric between my fingers and think about the closing line of his letter. 'Miss you, little sis'. He acts like the night he got arrested never even happened. It's impossible for me to forget— I wonder if he remembers, too.
What a stupid question, I think. Of course he remembers sleeping with you.
I quickly push the thought out of my mind, saving it for another day. Instead, I decide to call Mikey and let him know about Gerard's letter. "Hey, Mikey Way," I say when he picks up after the second ring.
"Hey, Ash," Mikey says. "What's going on, are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm good," I tell him. "I got a letter from Gerard today." I quickly recite Gerard's letter and Mikey laughs at the same parts I did.
"This Frank dude seems pretty cool," Mikey says.
"Yeah, he does," I say. After a moment, I ask "Wanna visit him tomorrow? As a Christmas Eve present?"
"That sounds good," Mikey says. "I'd like that."
"Alright," I say, my spirits lifting for the first time in days. "I'll come for you tomorrow at maybe noon?"
"Noon is good," Mikey agrees.
"Great!" I cry. "Tell Kristin I said 'hello'."
"I'll let her know," Mikey says. "Alright, see you tomorrow."
"Okay," I say. "Bye."
The rest of the day I spend trying to keep my mind off of the subject that I've forbidden myself from thinking about. Ashley, repeat after me: Gerard did not forget about sleeping with you.
Gerard did not forget about sleeping with me. With that in mind, I settle down on my couch, pulling the green reindeer-printed blanket over my legs. I maneuver the remote to the TV to try to get it to work before clicking 'play'.
A black galaxy shows up on screen and white text slowly scrolls upwards, giving me time to read it. A few minutes before I started the movie, I had found the microwave popcorn (it was hiding in the back of my pantry, behind the crackers) and I made myself a bowl, so I could absently eat while I watched Gerard and Mikey's favorite movie.
"Ash," Mikey says, shaking my shoulder. "Time to wake up."
I sit up and Mikey lets out a laugh. "Watching Star Wars?" He asks and I open my eyes to see the TV still on, with the play screen stuck on a loop.
"Yeah," I say quietly, still waking up. "What time is it? And why're you in my house?"
"It is 11:30 in the morning, and I tried to call you a few hours ago and you weren't answering," Mikey explains, sitting down next to me. "I found a copy of your house key in Gerard's room and I used it to let myself in."
"That's..." I start, thinking of a word. Unable to find one, I settle with the phrase "I'm very tired."
"How? You slept for at least 11 hours," Mikey says, rubbing my back.
"Oh, God, don't do that," I say. "It makes me sleepy and I can't fall asleep again."
"Sorry," Mikey says. "Go on, get dressed."
I nod silently, making my way up my stairs to my bedroom. I search for something to wear and finally settle on a thick, red reindeer sweater with gray jeans and army boots.
I come back down the stairs, winding my hair into a tight knot on the top of my head. "Ready?" I ask, pulling on my black winter coat and feeling in the pocket for my keys.
"Yep," Mikey says, standing up. The TV's off and my empty popcorn bowl is on the table. "How did you like the movie?"
"It was really good," I tell him. "I see why you and Gerard like it so much."
The whole ride to the detention center, Mikey and I talk about Star Wars, how the movie could possibly be improved, or Mikey telling me about the other plethora of Star Wars movies and spin-offs.
We enter the front room, heat hitting us in the face. We approach the desk and see a man with dark brown hair working there. "Hello," he says. "How may I help you?"
"Is it possible to visit Gerard Way?" Mikey asks, taking initiative.
"Of course," the man smiles and taps at his computer screen a few times. "His time block for the yard is in about 10 minutes. Would you like to pull him now or would you rather wait?"
"Would it be a burden to pull him now?" Mikey asks.
"Not at all. May I have a name for you two?" the man asks.
"I'm Mikey Way, Gerard's brother, and this is Ashley Frangipane, Gerard's girlfriend," Mikey says without hesitation.
The man taps at his computer screen again and says "You can wait in those chairs, and my name is Ryan if you need anything."
"Thank you, Ryan," I say and smile at him before going and sitting next to Mikey.
"Mr. Way, Ms. Frangipane?" Ryan says after a few minutes. "We'll need to subject you to a search, then you can see Gerard."
Mikey nods and we both stand up, following Ryan back behind the doors to a small room where we get searched to make sure we're not smuggling in anything. Not that we would, anyway.
"He's waiting just in there," the guard who searched us says, nodding at a metal door.
"Thank you," Mikey says and opens the door.
Mikey flys into his older brother's arms, burying his face in Gerard's neck. "Gee!" Mikey literally cries, tears streaming down his face. "Oh my God."
"It's okay, Mikes," Gerard says, rubbing his brother's back. "I'm here now. It's okay."
Mikey pulls away, wiping his nose on the back of his hand. This gives me time to run to Gerard, hugging him tightly. He's a bit different— he's slightly skinnier and he doesn't slouch anymore— but he's still my Gerard. My weird, insane, old-movie-obsessed, best friend Gerard.
"I've missed you so much," I sob into his neck. "Oh my God, Gerard."
"Hi, Ash," he says and presses a kiss to my forehead. "How've you been? Did you get my letter?"
"Yeah, I got it yesterday," I say, pulling away. "I loved that picture of Lola that you sent, by the way."
"Oh, thanks," Gerard says, looking down at his feet. He sits down in the chair across the table from Mikey, and I make my place on the edge of the table. "How have you two been?"
"Pretty good," I say.
"She watched Star Wars last night," Mikey informs him. "Said it was amazing."
"It really was," I agree. "And your whole 'I know what you're doing' thing was spot on. I was even wearing your pajama pants."
"And they were your thriftstore Star Wars pants," Mikey says, smiling.
"Oh, that's nice," Gerard says. "Aren't they comfy?"
"Very," I answer and laugh a bit. The next hour is filled with little bits of laughter and such as Gerard gets caught up on everything that's happened to the two of us in the month he's been gone.
"Sorry, dude," Mikey says. "But Kris and I are going to dinner with her parents tonight, so I gotta head out early."
"That's fine," Gerard says. "See you soon, Mikey Way."
"You too, Gerard Way," Mikey says, hugging Gerard once more. "I love you, man."
"Love you, too," Gerard says, reluctantly letting go of his brother. After a second of them staring at each other, Mikey sighs and leaves the room.
"Mikey's my ride," I say quietly. "I need to be going."
I start to leave but Gerard grabs my wrist, standing up abruptly. He pulls me close to him and presses his forehead against mine, running his hands up and down my body. "I relive that night every time I close my eyes," he whispers in a low voice. I know exactly what he's talking about, and I put my hands on the back of his neck, pulling him still closer. "I think about how you completely gave yourself to me. How you trusted me."
"Gerard, I—" I start but he interrupts me.
"It was always you, Ashley," he tells me. "It was always you."
Notes
(A): I've been feeling very Christmas-y today. I'm not sure why...
(B): Credit for the end scene goes to my friend, Erin. She isn't on here but, if she was, I would promo her out the ass.
(C): I HAVE A FOUR DAY WEEKEND HALLELUJAH
RATE/COMMENT/SUBSCRIBE
stay lovely xo
The last line of every chapter is always great.
And happy birthday Hesitant Alien!
10/1/15