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Give Me Hope In The Darkness

Preparations

Nearly a week ago, I was told the horrible news about the death of Grandma Way and things were still up in the air. The week was hectic, what with the Way household constantly running around, trying to finish the preparations for the funeral that was going to take place on Friday and me, Vee and Frankie were trying to help out as much as possible - even if that just meant hanging around the house for support.

Unlike with my own grandad's funeral, I noticed so many more of the details that go into organizing it – the flowers, music, transportation and all. Considering what a funeral was, there were so many, almost insignificant parts that, in the grand scheme of things meant absolutely nothing. All a funeral was really, was to say goodbye to the one you love. But of course, things aren't ever simple, are they?

On Monday, I met Mikey and Gerard's dad for the first time and I think I got on with him well enough (even if he found me sleeping in bed with his older son – you know, after I could finally look Gerard in the eye). I stayed around again Sunday night and well...nearly every night that week apart from Monday and Thursday, but to be perfectly honest, I don't think me or Mr Way were really worried about making a bad first impression, considering the circumstances we were meeting in.

The guys and I left the Ways for the rest of the day on Monday to allow them to start making plans and obviously to let them to have their family time but that night I woke up to the sound of Gerard coming into my room. Neither of us had to say a word to each other - all I did was pull back the covers as he climbed in and soon, we found ourselves tangled together finding peace once again in one another's company.

Even though I know I was trying my best to make Gerard feel better, in actual fact, he was the one consoling me and I know, it sounds extremely selfish and awful but I had Gerard back in my life and I felt as though we were closer than we'd ever been...which I guess does make me horrible person, right?

Seeing him again that Sunday night, after experiencing the most amazing kiss ever possible, it was hard to look at him. I mumbled and blushed which I thought might annoy him but it didn't. He just took my hand, smiled at me and then we just hung out, not even having to say a word to one another.

We didn't kiss again which I was sort of (desperately) hoping we would but Gerard had more important things on his mind than me anyway. In no way was Gerard Way going to fix me, nor was I asking him too but I just wanted to be able to enjoy this time with him without having to consider what was going to come next.

Not caring about my mom's reaction anymore, Gerard openly came around my house that week and also met my dad. It felt surreal really. Gerard was trying his best to make himself look like the type of person a parent would want their child to hang around with but I could see it was all a show. All he really wanted to do was lock himself away but I wasn't going to allow that. I was not going to let him fall into that dark place like I had done when my Grandad died. I was of course going to be there through his mourning – his and Mikey's – but I refused to let either of them allow it to consume them.

My dad liked him, much to my relief – his first choice of words after he left being – 'Great choice in music' – but he was also giving him the benefit of the doubt. My mother surely had told him everything that she thought about Gerard and he'd seen the way I'd reacted when we'd stopped talking so in theory, he should've been like mom, trying to force me away from him, but dad trusted me.

Mikey, bless him, was trying his utmost to keep his mom from crying every second she relived the idea that they were burying Grandma Way. It was just horrible to see. I didn't know what to do and neither did Gerard. Every time I offered to give the family some time, he always refused.

“Please just...just stay.” He would say and I did. I didn't leave his side or Mikey's. I ended up practically living there for the week anyway but I still had to go to school. The bully's seemed to find out about Grandma Way and they chose wisely to ignore us. Who knows what Vee and Frankie and I would've done if they'd started any trouble that week? We really weren't in the mood and the last thought I could care about was getting into trouble with the school.

“I guess this is what it feels like to have a normal day at school.” Frank said on Wednesday's lunch. We were all sitting in the cafeteria, being ignored by everyone and in a weird sense, it was probably one of the better days I'd experienced at school. (Aside from the fact Mikey wasn't there).

“Crazy, right?” Vee replied, taking a bite of her apple. “Who knew people here could be considerate?”

“Don't let your guard down...for the moment it's just a truce.” Frank said, eyeing everyone as though they were all potential threats to our peaceful lunch time. I smiled as Vee rolled her eyes.

“Do you think there's anything else we can do for them?” I asked, picking up my sandwich. “I feel as though there is...”

“I think you've been doing enough.” Frank laughed, stealing my sandwich from my grasp and taking a big bite from it.

“What are you talking about?” I asked, trying to get my sandwich back.

“I mean all the kissing you and Gerard are doing.”

Technically we'd only kissed the Sunday morning but I felt my face flame nonetheless.

“I don't know what you mean.”

“Shut up Dee and just dish the dirty.” Vee laughed, taking my sandwich from Frankie, giving it back. There was basically no point - the only part left of it was the crusts. “We know you and Gerard aren't just friends anymore.”

“Is this what you guys talk about when I'm not here? Gerard and I kissing?”

“That's not all we talk about. Don't be ridiculous.” Frank said.

“You haven't denied it.” Vee said.

“I know.”

“So you did?”

“Is this really appropriate?” I asked, trying to look at them sternly but my lips twitched.

Terrible timing but I was still just a teenage girl who got a kiss from the boy she was in love with.

“Was it good?” Vee asked, leaning across the table. I nodded, trying to hide my smile. “Toe curling good?” I nodded again but Frank began to look as though he ate something sour.

“You know what, I've changed my mind. I don't think I want to know about this.”

“Oh hush Frankie.” She said giving him a little shove. She turned to look at me, her smile slowly vanishing as she studied me.

“What?” I asked, not liking the look in her eyes.

“You can be happy about it you know.” She said, her voice filled with sincerity.

“I am happy.” She raised her brow.

“I am Vee...I'm over the moon about it but...whatever is going on between Gerard and I really isn't a priority. I'm not expecting anything from him.” She cocked her head to the side and I could see out the corner of my eye Frank looking sadly at me.

“What?” I groaned. Their eyes flickered towards one another.

“Look...” Vee began. “I know I'm always rooting for you and Gerard and your relationship but...he has been an ass to you-”

“I've said some pretty bad stuff too!” I defended.

“Not nearly as bad as you think Dee but that's not the point I'm making. Gerard is going through some tough stuff and it's amazing and all that you're there for him and for Mikes but...don't loose yourself in this.”

I couldn't think of what to say but I kept looking at her and her stare was just as unyielding. I wasn't loosing myself in this. I was just being there for Gerard...I wanted to be there for Gerard.

At the look on my face most likely, Frank threw a crisp and Vee and leant against the table. “She's not calling you an idiot or anything. We're just...kinda worried but...like precautionarily worried.”

“Is that even a word?” Frank rolled his eyes at me.

“What we're saying is...You're a priority Dakota. Yes, Gerard's just lost someone important to him but don't let him take advantage of your kindness.”

“He's not-”

“We're not saying he is. All we're saying is, don't let him. He's a good guy but he can make the worst decisions. ” Frank said.

Are they saying that Gerard and I kissing was a mistake?

“A second ago you were happy for me that I kissed the guy I like but now your telling me to expect that it meant nothing to him?” I asked warily. Both their eyes widened.

“No that's not it all! Look...Dee...we just worry because of what's happened with you guys before. I mean, he kissed you at Frank's cousins-”

Wait, what!?

“- and then he said it wasn't a big deal but it was to you but he still treats you as if you're more than friends, which I still think you totally are. I know he does care about you but...he might freak and come out saying the wrong thing, you know?” I shook my head.

“Look, guys...I appreciate you worrying about me, really but...I'm not thinking about it. I'm just...gonna be there for him and for Mikey. This can all be resolved some other time and besides, Gerard and I are good. We're in a good place. We're...good.”

Gerard's mood swings are the most infuriating part about him. I should know, I've dealt with him enough times. One minute he hated me, then he wanted to friends, then he ignores and then gets annoyed at me for ignoring him. That was us. Back and forth constantly and never on the same page but....I could never bring myself to talk to him about it. This week Gerard had been kind and sometimes too quiet, as though he were doing all the thinking in the world but I didn't have to say anything back to him – just hold his hand and let him cry or feel sad for a bit and then try and cheer him up. Even if that meant letting him make fun of me.

I knew that I was probably the last person that deserved to have this happen to me and I knew Gerard wasn't perfect but...I love him and I want him to be okay. I don't expect him to love me back, I'm not expecting anything from him. I'd understand really if he realised that kissing me and our closeness this week was a big mistake... but... I know how it feels to loose someone close – like Gerard with his Grandma, I was close to my Grandfather and that pain never goes away. With out realising it, Gerard, even months after it happened, helped me with the loss of my Grandad.

I still missed him like crazy but some of the parts that were broken were starting to heal but I was always going to have scars.

“So...is that all you do when your with Gerard? Kiss him?” Vee laughed, shoving her elbow in my arm, managing to make the air not feel tense anymore.

“Oh my god, no!” I laughed seeing her and Frankie making kissing faces at me. “We get coffee, go for walks and listen to music, constantly. We only kissed on the Sunday anyway.” She stopped laughing, her face going into business mode – like it usually did when we talked about Gerard.

“You haven't kissed since?”

“No, because you know...he has a lot going on right now.” I replied, picking at my sleeve. I wished we'd move on from this conversation now. One minute, Vee was telling me to careful, the next she wanted me to tell her all the details of mine and Gerard's...relationship? The word didn't even sound right anymore. Maybe Vee's mood swings were nearly as bad as Gerard's...

“Huh.”

“What's huh?” She cocked her head, looking up to the ceiling.

“You are the saint of all girlfriends. If Derek didn't kiss me for over a week, I'd think he was kissing some other girl...I'd definitely think I'd freak out.” Frank laughed. Girlfriend? No I really wasn't-

“I'm not his-” I began but Frank cut me off.

“You're always freaking out about him anyway. He's just a guy Vee.”

“Gerard's not-” I tried again but Vee answered Frank back.

“And what about how you were when you saw Rachel Turner in the hallway? You couldn't stop stuttering because you were just apologising for tripping in front of her.” (Rachel was Frankie's new crush of the week).

“That is completely different! She is like the Aphrodite herself, come down to tempt me with her beauty...”

“Oh dear god.” Vee groaned, dropping her head into her hands.

“Vee...” I said pulling at her sleeve. “I'm not Gerard's girlfriend.” I wish I were though.

“Are you sure about that?” She smirked. “I'm pretty sure you two have been going out far longer than you realise, just minus the physical stuff.”

By physical stuff, Vee obviously meant kissing and...sex...but we'd held hands...held each other, slept next to one another. Whenever we were alone, we were always in contact somehow with one another. But what Vee was saying did make me think...the first time he kissed me, he most definitely said he didn't like me romantically in any way, shape or form but now...that kiss Sunday morning was something I never thought Gerard would give me and I was almost all the more confused at where I stood with him. Unless I was being a complete idiot and didn't understand the simple way these kind of things worked, I still had no idea.

But again, this isn't about me. This is about Gerard...and maybe...after Friday...I'll try and talk to him about it, without sounding crazy or desperate.

How can one guy manage to make someone loose their mind so completely that you think you're going to explode with all the frustration of not understanding?

“Hey.”

I came out of my thought process, just as Frank and Vee came out of their bickering to find Kate staring between the three of us - a white envelope tight in her grip. Kate...the girl Mikey was talking to at the party all those weeks ago. I hadn't heard him talk about her so I didn't know if she was still a possibility for him but I knew he liked her – a lot. He'd said it enough times when I was dragging his drunk form back home that night.

“Hey.” Vee smiled. “Do you wanna sit?”

“Oh...yeah, sure.” She smiled back, moving to sit next to me as I moved my bag. “Thanks.”

She moved the envelope out in front of her and flattened it against the table. Kate was pretty with her light blonde hair, brown eyes (even freckles!) but didn't talk much. She was very shy and from what I'd heard, pretty much the smartest girl in our year. She looked nervous suddenly and I realised it was because we were all still staring at her. I cleared my throat and she looked up at me.

“How are you?” I asked.

“I'm fine thank you.” She smiled sweetly again. My god, her and Mikey would make the hearts of the most evil people melt, she was so sweet. “And you guys? I know this is a hard time and all.”

“We're okay.” Frank said, crossing his arms against the table. “It's tough but yeah...” She nodded sympathetically.

“And...and hows Mikey?” She asked timidly.

“He's putting on a brave face but he's more upset that he's willing to let on.” Frank continued. It was just like Mikey, still trying to keep everyone else happy even though he was the one that was hurting.

“I bet...When I heard about it from my mom...she works at the hospital...and...he wasn't as school but I wanted to see him and say how sorry I was for his loss...but I didn't know his address or his phone number and...besides, I didn't want to just drop in. It seemed rude and all and-” She kept rambling and stuttering and her cheeks flushed just mentioning Mikey's name.

“You could come round to his after school if you wanted? We're headed there anyway.” I offered but her eyes widened and she shook her head.

“I couldn't but I...I wrote him a letter and my number down in case he lost it. It's just that... if he wanted to meet for coffee sometime or whatever. We haven't spoken for a while.” She nodded, holding the envelope out towards me.

“Are you sure you don't want to give this to him yourself?” I asked.

“No, it's okay. I guess I'll just see him on Monday and...if he wants to talk before that...yeah...sorry...I'm rambling again. Could you give him the letter for me?”

“Sure.” I smiled, moving to put it in my bag.

“Thanks...by the way...Mikey told me how tough you guys have it. I mean, I've seen it with my own eyes but...you guys are really good friends to Mikey. He's lucky to have you.”

“We're lucky to have him.” Vee said just as Frank and I nodded in agreement. She laughed softly, standing from the table.

“Thanks again. I'll see you around?”

“You bet.” Frank said, waving at her as Vee and I replied with “Sure.”

“Bye.”

After Kate was a good distance away from us Frank started laughing.

“What's so funny?” Vee asked.

“Mikey can be a real idiot sometimes.”

“Why?” I asked. Frank rolled his eyes.

“He stopped talking to her because he thought she didn't like him at all but from what we've just witnessed, I think she likes him a lot.”




It was about four o clock when I got home and dumped my stuff by the door (except the letter, which I took with me) before heading back to the Ways. I didn't need to knock, the door was left open for me, and I headed straight to the living room to find the guys and Mikey already talking. I went behind the sofa and gave Mikey a one armed hug which he tried to reciprocate but it was awkward which resulted us in laughing.

“I have something for you.” I said sitting down next to him.

“What?” In answer, I held out the envelope to him. He looked confused and I laughed.

“It's not from me. Kate gave it to us at lunch time.” He blushed slightly and turned to look at Frank who nodded eagerly. I guess Frankie was who he talked to most about Kate.

“That was nice of her.” He smiled, moving his gaze to the envelope.

“She's so sweet I think I need a filling from just talking to her.” Vee laughed, flopping down next to Mikey.

“Seriously dude, you shouldn't have stopped talking to her. She's really into you.” Frank interjected, moving to lie on top of all three of us – his feet resting in my lap.

“Maybe...” Mikey mumbled.

“Not maybe Mikey. She really likes you.” I smiled wrapping my arm around him, the same Vee did.

"Yeah..." He smiled which caused my heart to swell. It was nice to see him smile genuinely without doing it for someone elses benefit.

We continued talking and after a while, I realised that I hadn't seen Gerard. I wanted to ask but...I didn't want to be that person. Mikey was important in this too. While Frank and Vee had another fight about...you know what, I wasn't even listening this time, Mikey leant into me and whispered.

“Gee went into the city today to sort out college stuff. He wont be back till late but you can stay on the couch tonight if you want?”

I smiled thankfully at him and he beamed back. I'd already told him that my dad had said he wouldn't be home tonight – he never gave me the specific's , just that he'd see me Thursday after school so, after being used to have so many people around me...I wasn't quite eager to go back to an empty house. I didn't want to be left alone to think.

We ordered a pizza and watched a few movies together. Donna and Mr Way came home about eight and we sat a spoke with them a while before they then went to bed – them being exhausted with touching up on the final details of everything.

Frank's mom came and picked up Vee and Frankie at about ten and soon, Mikey was saying he was exhausted himself.

“I know it seems stupid that I'm tired, even though I haven't been doing much-”

“You don't have to explain yourself Mikes. I get it.”

“I know but...I haven't felt this tired in ages.”

“Are you sure about going to school tomorrow?” He nodded. “No one's expecting you to go.”
“It'll get my mind off of what's coming up Friday.”

“Okay.” I said giving him a quick hug.

“Oh, ma said you can have a shower if you want – there's some of Gerard's shampoo on the side where your toothbrush is and...what else? Oh, Gerard's put some clothes on the top of his dresser in case you still decided to stay over.”

“Thanks... I think I'll do that.” I smiled.

After saying goodnight to Mikey, I went into Gerards room to find the clothes just where Mikey said they'd be. There were, believe it or not, a pair of red and blue checkered boxer shorts, a white t-shirt and that maroon jumper he'd let me borrow on the weekend. I had a shower, quickly changed and went downstairs, eagerly moving towards the makeshift bed Mikey and I had managed to put together, my own exhaustion staring to sink in.

Even though I stay in Gerard's room all the time, it would've felt strange to have just invited myself into his bed. It's not like I was his girlfriend...

Curling against the cushions on the sofa, I heard nothing but the faint sound of some rain that was beginning to patter against the windows. Before long, I'd managed to pass out on the sofa and it had to have only just turned eleven o'clock.

It was probably one of the quickest times I'd fallen asleep in a long time.


I was shaking - not violently or dramatically or anything like that but, it wasn't welcome considering how comfortable I was. I pulled the cushion closer to my chest just as I tried to push away the reason I was shaking. I was met with a short chuckle that I knew so well.

“Stop...” I whispered.

“Dee, wake up.”

“No.”

“Come on.”He said, trying to shift the cushion from my grasp. I smacked at his hand until he seized his hold and I snuggled closer into the sofa.

“My god Gerard, you really seem to enjoy waking me up.” I groaned, next pushing away his hand as he used it to push the hair away from my face.

“You're so violent when your tired.” he laughed, keeping his hand in my hair.

“So maybe you should stop waking me up.” I said, creaking one eye open. It was too dark to see much but I knew he was kneeling right in front of me.

“Maybe.”

“Not maybe. You should.” To that, he laughed as I began to push myself up.

“Why are you sleeping on the sofa?” He asked, pulling the blanket off of my legs and holding onto my wrists to hoist me up.

“Dad's not coming home tonight.” I replied, stretching while his hands were still on his wrists.

“That's not what I mean.” he said and I could hear the smile in his voice.

“It felt weird to sleep in your bed if you weren't there.” I offered with a shrug, feeling my eyes beginning to droop again.

“Jeez Dee, you're really tired.”

“My gym teacher hates me.”

“I think gym teachers hate everyone. Come on, time for bed.”

“I was already in bed.” I mumbled, only to be met with a kiss on my forehead. I was too tired to really register it though.

He walked me slowly upstairs, my hand tightly in his grip but at the moment, I didn't care if I fell. I was too tired I reckon no matter where I ended, I would fall asleep. When we got to his bedroom, he let go of my wrist and before he could say a word, I made a bee line for the bed and collapsed on top of it, trying to maneuver my way under the blankets. I heard him chuckle before he ducked out of the room, most likely to shower.

He was back before I knew it and as he came over to the bed he, he told me sit up.

“Why?” I groaned.

“Just lift your arms.”

“Why?”

“Because you'll over heat if you stay in that jumper all night.”

“But it's chilly.”

“Yeah, but I'm about to get in there and besides...it's not like it's nothing I've seen before.”

“You make it sound dirty.” I grumbled, complying with his request that left me in the boxers and t-shirt. I knew he'd seen my scars a few times now but I still felt self conscious about them.

I didn't hesitate – as soon as my arms were out of the sleeves, I flopped back onto the bed.
He moved onto the bed and lay on his side, propping himself on his elbow. I'd stayed with Gerard so much, I knew his exact movement from the pressure of the mattress without having to look.

“Did you get everything you needed done in the city?”

“Yeah...I just needed to talk to some of the lecturers to get some work.”

“Cool.”

“How was school?” he asked softly, brushing the hair away from my face again.

“You know how it is.” I said, blushing slightly thinking back to conversation Frankie, Vee and I had together. “But...Kate came over today.”

“Whose Kate?”

“The girl Mikey likes.”

“Oh yeah.” He chuckled, probably remembering Mikey's drunken outburst about her. “She's amazing, according to Mikey.” I couldn't help but smile.

“She is pretty awesome. She gave us a letter to give to Mikey. She was worried about him.”

“That was good of her.” He murmured, shifting again so now his head lay on the pillow with me.

“Hmm...” I replied. “But speaking of school, I'm gonna have to borrow your alarm.”

“I already set it.” I moved my hand, trying to seek his own with my eyes shut but he found it for me and curled it against his chest.

“Thanks and I'm sorry that you have to get up with me but...” (Yawn) “...you're the one who dragged me from the sofa.”

“It's okay...I can take you guys tomorrow...besides...you have to admit, my beds much more comfy than that sofa.”

I didn't reply.

By that point, I'd managed to fall asleep with the feel of Gerard's hand in mine, but he was right.

His bed was much comfier than the sofa.


Notes

Comments

I’ve read this story for the second time now. Absolutely in love. The writing and thought that’s gone into it are amazing. Truly.

cKayE cKayE
3/23/19

I love this story sooooo much

way_to_go_lad way_to_go_lad
1/3/19

So glad more chapters are coming! I love this sooo much

Just wanted to say that I'm absolutely in love with this story, it's one that I always come back to no matter what. The writing is amazing and I really do hope you come back and update sometime because I have fallen in love with this book and your writing!!

Kelc17 Kelc17
6/21/18

Please update soonf! xx

action.cat action.cat
4/4/18