Give Me Hope In The Darkness

The rain continued hammering against the concrete floor, the cool evening air surrounding us as we waited for my mum to arrive. The pavement sparkled and shone underneath the street lamps that burned an eerie orange glow, the noises in the faint distance causing my skin to break out into goosebumps. It seemed that even for a Wednesday night Jersey still had the determination to be a place that never slept. In the streets, only twenty feet away or so from where I stood, I could hear the screeches of tyres, the loud, slurred voices of men and women and most of all the music, the base so strong, all that could be heard was a low, consistent thump in the distance. It was a strange atmosphere compared to that of Portland. There, I felt relatively safe, here, I felt on edge, always looking over my shoulder and triple checking the position of my bag. My dad laughed and said I was over exaggerating but I highly doubted it, jumping at the slightest sounds around us.

Lightning flashed and thunder rumbled above us, which of course caused me to jump and stand closer to my father. He continued to smoke away, hardly effected by the random beginnings of a thunder storm, however he was certainly entertained by my current emotional state. As I folded my arms across my chest, attempting to warm myself, even on this late August night, I could feel my body beginning to shut down from the exhaustion of travelling and my overworking mind, something it usually did but somehow, this time it was more stressful. I hadn't expected that it would take such a toll on me, seeing as though I'd merely sat for hours, but my mind was completely concious of everything around me making me feel uneasy nearly every second of every day.

“How long did she say she'd be?” I asked irritably towards my dad as he sat on top of his suitcase, taking another drag from his cigarette. He shrugged.

“You know how your mother can be.” He chuckled as he glanced at his wrist watch. “She said about half an hour or so. She should be here any minute, don't panic little one.” He consoled.

“I'm not panicking.” I retorted tiredly. “I'm just wondering what's taking her so long. Doesn't seem as though their should be any traffic.” I sighed.

“We're not use to Jersey yet. Anything can happen Dee.”

“Sure.” I mumbled. “Anything can happen. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

Anything did happen with our family. Too much happened. Some people wished they had the up beat life, where everything was ever changing but I regretted ever making that wish when I was a young girl. I wanted a secure family, a secure environment but nothing ever lasted. I had lost people. They'd abandoned me, taunted me. Lied to me. My mother and father constantly worked, leaving me, as a ten year old girl to some times fend for herself while my brother was out socializing and having fun. Just to top it off, he moved away from us all as soon as the opportunity rose, another person then leaving me almost permanently.

My parents divorced a month later, as if to spare my brother's feelings of the whole ordeal, leaving me to hear the arguments and the sound of glass shattering nearly every night. November of last year, a week before my birthday my mother remarried, even scheduling her honey moon to take place on my birthday. Then in December, a numbness hit me like a truck, leaving me breathless and pitiful.

The following January (earlier this year), the incident everyone tries to avoid took place, almost as if they're afraid to mention it and again it happened in April. My father lost his job and now, I was moving somewhere new, an apparent fresh start. I knew it would be the same as it was back home in Portland. I would feel exactly the same.

After waiting another five minutes or so, we heard a car horn echo throughout the empty car park, a silver Mondeo then swerving and parking on the curb beside us. I knew it was her instantly from her vibrant driving skills. The engine cut and my mother flew out of the car, smiling brightly as she ran towards me, her arms open wide and waiting for my affection. She looked different. No longer was her greying hair falling around her shoulders but was now a thick brown mass of curls, cut just a little above her shoulders. Her clothes also, from once worn greys and browns, were now bright colours, vivacious reds, subtle blues and sleek black tones. She looked younger. She looked happier.

“My baby!” She cooed as she wrapped her arms around me, my access to oxygen extremely low.

“Hey mum.” I mumbled, patting her on the back suggestively, hoping she'd cotton on that I couldn't breath too well.

“I've missed you Dee Dee.”

“I've missed you too.”

She held me a while longer, her rich perfume filling my nostrils, a strong floral scent, before holding me at arms length, looking over me; a grim look of concern etched onto her small features.

“You've lost weight.” She said, her brow curving downwards. “Tony, have you been feeding our baby girl well?”

“I'm fine mum-”

“It's nice to see you too Jane. Yes, I'm fine thanks for asking how are you?” My father answered sarcastically over the rain, standing from his seat in which was his suitcase.

“Always a pleasure Tony.” She replied icily before turning her gaze back at me. Her dark eyes had matured but lacked none of the gleaming comfort that she'd had in them from when I was a young girl.

“It's been too long.” She smiled and placed both hands on my cheeks. It had in fact been since January, seven months since I'd last seen her. She didn't think I was angry at her but I was in fact fuming for that fact she'd chosen another man over her family, an old flame she'd met when she was only my age. “You're such a beautiful girl...but tell me-”

“Mum...” I moaned trying to instantly move away from this subject. I already knew what she was going to ask and every time she did, it made my cheeks burn bright red, especially now in front of my father. I snuck a glance towards him and he seemed to already know what was on my mothers mind, his thin lips formed into a frown.

“Were there any boys you had to say goodbye to? Were they upset that you were leaving?” She persisted. I screamed internally. What I could never seem to understand was that my mother believed that I'd had boyfriends before, even when she was still living with us, even though I didn't even have any friends.

I've tried telling her many times that I'm as single as I was the day I was born but she thinks it's some secretive teenage plot that I'm trying to hold back from her. My dad joked that she feared I'd be eloping some time soon. I rolled my eyes, pulling my face free from her hold as I zipped my coat up a little further.

“No mum. There never has been and there never will be.” I sighed.

“Oh, don't be so modest. I'm sure there are plenty of wonderful people for you to meet here honey-”

“Jane, don't make her regret willingly coming here already.” He scolded. “She's only been in Jersey for an hour.”

My mother replied but I hadn't bothered to listen. I already knew there would be some kind of bickering between the two of them. They fought ever since I could remember. As I'd grown up with it constantly, it was almost something I thought was natural, however when the vases started being thrown and pictures smashed, of course I knew this couldn't be love as they physically destroyed memories.

As they continued to talk out in the rain, I climbed into the back, pulling my suit case onto the seat beside me, waiting for them to realise that I was in fact ready to go. As everyone settled in their seats, my mother began driving us away from the airport, a sigh of relief emitting from me. I didn't want to be near another airport for a long time, I'd done enough travelling. I rested my head against the window, the cool glass soothing the headache that was beginning to pound against my brain as the conversation continued to flow in the car.

“How's Donnie?” My father asked.

“He's doing well. He said he wanted to visit Dakota before he had to go back to school again, so hopefully in the next few days he'll come down. He's been working so hard.” My mother smiled.

“I'm extremely proud of that boy.”

“Hmm.” My mother hummed in response. “It seems as though it were only yesterday he was experiencing snow for the first time.”

“He nearly caught hypothermia. He was so excited to be out there.” My father laughed.

“And now he's at an Ivy League school.” I cleared my throat.

“At the mention of school, how far is the house away from it?” I asked, curious to the routine my life was to potentially have for the following months.

“It's about a half an hour walk, but by bus only fifteen minutes or so.” My father answered.

“I'll be taking the bus?” I questioned. “I've never taken a bus to school before...” I said more to myself.

“Well, it's not final.” My mother added. “I know a family on your street that could potentially give you lifts there. The youngest son is going to be starting senior year with you.” I nodded, looking out again at the window, feeling my mother's stare through the rear view mirror.

“Honey?” She asked after a few minutes of silence.

“Yeah?”

“You...you're feeling a little better, aren't you?” She asked tentatively. Here we ago again. January & April, the apparent sensitive subjects.

“I'm fine mum.” I answered. Of course I wasn't but I couldn't lead them to believe the truth. I was finally off from being watched constantly, my medication monitored. It was emotionally exhausting. The fact that my mother was a nurse made the after effects worse.

“Well...” She hesitated, glancing at my father momentarily, almost searching for support.

“What is it?”

“You see, I wasn't going to talk to about this until at least tomorrow, when you've had a little bit of rest.” My curiosity peaked up, my once weary eyes now a little wider as I leaned forward.

“What are you talking about?”

“I think we should discuss it tomorrow when Dakota has had some rest.” My father added, his voice gruff and displeased.

“But Dad-”

“We can talk about it all you want tomorrow little one but tonight you need your rest. We need to jump straight into unpacking and making the home comfortable as soon as possible so the evening's open for endless possibilities...” I knew what he meant by that. It meant he already hoped to be out the house tomorrow evening, drinking away at some bar with his old college friend who'd offered him the construction work here in Jersey. I didn't know how to comment so I left it, a little angry that my mother had brought up this strange subject and then to just back down from it. It was unlike my mother really.

“I'll come by sometime tomorrow, maybe stay around and see if you guys want any help with unpacking...” My mother offered.

“Just please don't bring Hugh.” I said before I could even think. I looked to the mirror to see she was giving me disapproving eyes but honestly, what did she expect? She knew I didn't get on with her husband. I didn't like him, he didn't like me, it was as simple as that. He'd stolen my mother from me, my mother who in some sense has changed dramatically since they got married. I sometimes didn't even recognise her, certainly not now.

“Dakota, please-”

“I agree with Dakota.” My father said. I sighed in relief.

“Tony-”

“No, Jane, it's my house and I don't feel comfortable with him being there. Also him and Dakota don't get on and we don't want to add any more stress to this situation than there already is. I think it's best you come over by yourself for the first few weeks. To let everything settle.” He explained, coolly. I was strangely expecting him to explode to the sound of Hugh's name, he hasn't held back before on the subject of him. My father and brother despised the man. My brother, Donnie and I were actually the ones to witness my mother meeting with him in some random cafe I'd never even heard of. We kept it to ourselves. I was to scared to confront anything and my brother wanted some kind of serenity before he moved away to New York to study at Columbia. He'd worked his ass off to get there and he didn't want to ruin any chances of getting in, that including his emotional state.

“Fine.” She muttered, pursing her lips. “But some day, you'll get on with him Dakota. For my sake, please.” I rolled my eyes.

“Good luck with that.” I muttered.

Deciding to ignore the rest of the mindless chit chat my parents had between them, I sat silently in the back, watching each fading street lamp we passed blur, my mother eager to get us home, as I replayed as many good memories as I could in my mind, also eager to get this car journey over with.

When she suddenly pulled down a desolate street, I was surprised to see how...welcoming it was. The houses had a fair distance between them, all detached and mostly of the same design. The road slightly curved and she suddenly pulled up outside a house that reminded me slightly of home back in Portland.

Just as our old house had, there was a small dark porch with a swinging seat tucking into the corner on the left. Potted plants filled with roses (no doubt from my mother) were delicately placed across it, other flowers beginning to grow on the clean, cut soil right beside the porch. The window frames dark and the front door nearly black against the pale panelling against the wall. the In front of the porch, there was a small patch of grass that rustled from a gentle breeze, it's length dramatic compared to other houses along the street. I wouldn't be surprised if my dad wanted to cut it tomorrow. Finally upon the thick grass their sat a curved cement path, leading to the first step of the porch.

I put my hood up before hopping out of the car, seeing the dark homes silently standing, almost empty and lifeless. The only light I could see was emitting from a room at the house to the right of our own. I saw shadows dance across the drawn curtains, faint music coming from the open window however as much father shut the car door violently, muttering an apology beneath his breath, a figure took place at the corner of the window, a head and shoulders it seemed but, I couldn't help but feel self concious from this...I supposed stranger. It was then as the figure pulled back the curtain slightly, I saw an small orange orb form in the centre of the glass and I knew that they had to have been smoking. Little ounces of smoke seeped out of the window as I continued to watch them. Maybe they hadn't noticed that I could see them so clearly, the features only hidden to me when they weren't taking a drag from their cigarette.

“Come on Dee.” My father said, pulling me away from my supposed staring competition with a stranger. I looked back at them quickly, once I spotted my mother and father waiting for me on the porch but they'd vanished, along with the light. I watched as the last stream of smoke slowly left the window.

I shrugged, deciding to put that strange encounter at the back of my mind before following my mother and father into our new home.

Notes

Hey here's Chapter 2! I wish to get as much of the story out of my brain as quick as possible. My last year of college is going to begin soon and I'm worried that I just won't have a lot of time.

Take care <3