Bad Management

“So have you guys thought about how you’re going to announce your engagement?” Ashton asked as we all sat around talking amongst ourselves.
“Oh shit we have to do that?” Michael asked from the side of me as everyone laughed slightly.
“Well yeah kind of? Would you rather speculation happen?” Ashton asked like he couldn’t believe Michael hadn’t thought of it.
“We could just write a statement?” I looked up at Michael sensing his worry about the situation. He wasn’t very good with announcing things; he was always scared of what would be said. At first I was confused why he would be so worried he was so carefree in every other aspect but he finally admitted it was because he didn’t want me to have to see bad things written or said about me.
“We can think about it a different time. I want us to get used to it first.” He mumbled as he looked down at my left hand that was resting on his knee. Everyone picked up on his reluctance and to my relief they left the topic there.
“Oh George you never showed us what you got from the drugstore.” Christa spoke out as I held my breath. I’d hoped they’d forgotten about my lone visit in there but clearly not. Damn Christa and her good memory.
“Oh yeah what did you get?” My best friend joined in looking at me as my gaze flashed to her then Christa. I felt my moment of panic set in as my head started to feel fuzzy.
“You went to the drugstore? Are you alright?” Michael asked from the side of me, concern filling his face.
“Yeah I’m fine I just got a new lipstick that’s all.” I smiled over at the group who I felt had all their eyes on me.
“Let’s see it?” Sophia mentioned as I looked over at her quickly. Swallowing hard as I noticed how dry my throat was.
“It’s the same shade as I normally wear.” I smiled, trying to hide all nerves from them. I noticed Michael frown from the side of me and that’s when I realised I’d tightened my grip on his knee.
“Oh what shades that?” Molly asked as my attention snapped to her. Why was everyone asking questions. “I figured the new L’Oréal red shades would suit you really well.” She carried on as I smiled politely at her.
“It is red.” I tried my best to maintain my smile as I slid my hand off Michael’s knee.
“I’ll go get it, I’m going in for a jumper anyway.” He said from the side of me as I looked up at him panic on my features.
“No it’s fine, it’s in a bag in another bag it will take you ages to find it.” I told him trying to stay calm but inside having a major freak out.
“I’m sure it won’t take me long to find it.” He laughed, giving me a funny look. I felt my breathing get shallower as my head started to spin.
“Leave it alone!” I screamed as everyone stopped to look at me. I could feel every set of eyes burning into my skin waiting for my next move. I quickly stood up as Michael made his way over to me causing me to shake my head. “I need a drink anybody else? No ok.” I said quickly and walking away even quicker.

I’d made it through the crowd and over to burger van at a different end to where our buses were. “One water please.” I asked reaching into my pocket for some loose change. I quickly handed the money over and grabbed the ice cold bottle and walking to the side of the van. I rolled the bottle over my forehead my shaking hands slowly stilling as I focused on the techniques I was taught during my brain rehabilitation. I took a big gulp from the bottle, my throat quickly thanking me for the liquid as I leaned against the bus with my eyes closed. I stayed there for what seemed like forever until I noticed that without my adrenaline kicking in that I was getting cold. I slowly made my way back to our ‘camp’ but walking around the back. I noticed no one was sat around but that MCR’s bus was teaming with cheering and chanting as the familiar sounds of Rock Band was ringing out. Sighing with relief I decided to go straight to our bus and go in the drugstore bag and finally sort myself out. I made my way onto the bus and noticed it was in darkness. Good everyone was over their bus and I could do it undisturbed. I made my way to the bunk area without turning a light on just using the torch on my phone to guide my way. I threw back the curtain to our bunk and nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw the red haired guy that I love sitting there. The drugstore bag had been discarded and the purchase there resting in his lap. “Michael -” I started but was quickly cut off by him.
“When was you going to tell me?” He spoke out, his voice void of emotion which cut into me like a knife.
“Once I knew.” I whispered, looking down at the box a feeling of shame washing over me.
“We’ve been engaged for a day and your hiding something this important from me?” He breathed out, this time the raw hurt in his voice as he held up the pregnancy test box. I was wrong that cut like a knife.
“I panicked. I think I might have forgotten to take one of my pills and I can’t explain my mood swings. I just wanted to check and not worry you.” I tried to explain to him through my hiccups signally I was on the verge of crying.
“And you didn’t think that I’d want to know? That I haven’t noticed your mood swings? That I didn’t want to be here whilst you could be carrying my baby?” He got up out of the bunk, flicking the light on so that we were illuminated.
“Michael I’m sorry. I just I thought you’d freak out and there was no need to if I wasn’t.” I told him truthfully.
“So your saying if you weren’t pregnant you wouldn’t have told me you took a test?” He looked at me with a broken look on his face. “Do you not think after everything we’ve been through this is something, whether you are or not, that we go through together. If you weren’t how was you going to explain your mood swings?” He questioned all valid points to me, none of which I had good enough answers to justify. I kept trying to open my mouth to say something but nothing would come out. “You wanted to do it by yourself then go ahead.” He said throwing the box on the bed. “When you think I can be involved in our relationship come get me. I’ll be on the MCR bus.” He told me brushing past me as I stood there helpless.

It had been 3 hours since Michael found the pregnancy test and he’d still not come back to the bus. I had cleared the bunk of bags and our other stuff and lay down. I had the pregnancy test box in my hand which was under his pillow whilst I was getting lost in his smell. Occasionally I’d shift position and feel the damp on my cheek from where my tears had fallen off my cheek and been caught on the home comfort. I checked my phone again and only 10 minutes had passed since I last checked, I started to shift to get up when I heard the door of the bus swing open. I paused, holding my breath trying to work out which one of the guys is was when the curtain swung open and the green eyes that held hurt in them were staring at me.
“Have you done it?” He asked quietly as I stared at him, wiping my eyes on his sleeve of the flannel shirt I was wearing. I shook my head pulling the still sealed box out from under his pillow to show him. He sighed climbing up on to the top bunk bed and making himself comfortable at the side of me, his arm instantly wrapping around me.
“I’m sorry.” I whispered quietly as he pulled me closer into him so my head was on his shoulder.
“I know.” He whispered into my hair as he took the box off me. “I don’t want you to have to go through anything alone George that’s why I acted the way I did. Fuck this is a huge moment whether it’s positive or not and it’s one we should do together. Last time I left you to deal with something on your own I nearly lost you and I can’t and won’t risk that again.” He looked down at me, my teary eyes meeting his watery ones. “I love you.” He whispered as I started to cry silently.
“I love you too. I’m sorry. I know kids aren’t on the agenda and I should have remembered to take my pill and I should have told you I thought I hadn’t taken it and I should have told you I thought I might be pregnant.” I breathed out quickly gripping onto his shirt tightly scared he was going to leave again.
“I should have checked. I should have worn protection. You aren’t alone in any of this.” He whispered pulling me tighter to him. We stayed like that for a few more moments until I sniffed up and pulled away a little, the stuffiness of being close to him getting a little uncomfortable.
“Do they know?” I asked quietly as he shook his head. I took a steady breath before carrying on. “I need a wee.” I told him as he looked down at me.
“Ok?” He asked suggesting he didn’t understand what I was getting at. Instead of telling him I climbed down and stood on Ashton’s bunk so that I was tall enough just to grab his hand and pull him towards the edge of the bed.

We got to the small bathroom, he quickly locked the bus door and put the brush under the handle so that no one could get in even if they had the key. I went into the bathroom and left the door open so he could still hear me. “Ready?” I asked as I heard his little hum indicating he was. I did what I needed to do and told him when to start the timer. I washed my hands and left the test on the edge of the sink as I walked out to him. We sat in the front room bit, his phone resting on the table as we stared intently at it.
“You said kids weren’t on the agenda before?” He peeled his eyes from the timer to look at me his soft red bottom lip tight between his teeth. I nodded to tell him I remembered. “We might not have planned them but it doesn’t mean to say we can’t do it.” He commented simply smiling at me as I took his hand over the table.
“I know. I don’t doubt that for a second. But as a band you still have so much more to achieve and do and see. I thought this might complicate it.” I told him truthfully as he shook his head.
“Nope you’re wrong it would be a part of it.” He smiled at me as the timer went off. “Do you want to go get it?” He asked me as I shook my head. Pure terror had washed over me as I was frozen to the spot. Everything seemed so distant even Frank’s voice. “Britain listen to me. It’s going to be OK. We can handle this.” He told me as he was kneeling in front of me, holding my cheeks in his hand. I nodded slowly breathing slightly as he stood up and made his way to the bathroom, walking out with the pee stick in his hand. “It says were…” He started off when there was a loud bang on the door.
“I hope your both not making a baby in there come on!” Sophia’s voice shouted out as she started jumping up at the window.

Notes