Touch Him Again, And I'll Kill You

I had been going back and forth between visiting Mikey in the hospital, and visiting Frank. It was terrifying to think that the only people I love in this world are both in comas. I wanted more than anything for both of them to just be okay. Linda stayed with Frank while I was with Mikey. The doctors kept telling me that I should consider taking him off life support, but I couldn’t possibly imagine doing it. I love him, and he’s the only family I have.
“Well, I know you probably aren’t even listening to me anymore. You’re probably living in some wicked cool dream land, or maybe you’re not. I don’t know. But, I just want you to be okay. I tell you this everyday, but I don’t ever know if you realize it. You and Frank mean the world to me. I’m not sure how I’m even making it anymore. I just.. I need you. I need you here with me, because I can’t keep doing this on my own. I love you.” I stood up off of the small green chair and gave his hand a quick squeeze before leaving the hospital. It was Frank’s night, which meant I would be sleeping on a small grey couch for less than two hours. It was difficult to sleep knowing that he was in that state. I had awful nightmares, so I hardly ever slept. I just did what I could to keep busy, which usually meant talking to Frank or singing to him in hopes that he would be able to hear me.
My life has been like this for two months. Every night I alternate between a small green chair, and a barf gray colored couch that could only seat two people. It was hell, but it was my hell, and that’s all I cared about. I knew they would eventually wake up, and that’s just what I was waiting for. I was waiting for my world to start spinning again.

FRANKS POV
I’ve never been more tired in my entire life. I feel like I’m in a constant sleep, but I can never quite wake up or control myself. It’s agony to hear Gerard crying, and not being able to comfort him. I feel like I’m dead. Maybe I am. But, I don’t think Gerard would keep coming to see me if I were dead. I’ve never felt like such a burden before. He’s here all the time, and he always sounds tired when he talks. I hear everything he says, but I just can’t fucking respond. I can’t even move my hands. It’s so terrifying to me.
But this experience just shows me who really cares for me. My mom comes up to see me in the mornings before she goes to work. I know it’’s morning because everything is really still and quiet for what seems like an eternity before she starts talking to me. She tells me all about her morning, and about how she misses me and wants me to wake up. I wish I could wake up. I wish I could sit right up and get out of this bed, and live my life.
In the afternoons, Jamia comes. She usually talks to me about old memories, and laughs along to inside jokes, in hopes that I will laugh with her, but I don’t. I can’t.
Whenever Lindsey comes, she’s very hateful. She tells me about how she wishes she had killed Max. She tells me about how she wants Jimmy to finally ask her to marry him, and she tells me about how she may be pregnant, but feels like she can’t tell anyone. I want desperately to get up and hug her and congratulate her. I want to tell Jimmy that they aren’t getting any younger, and I want to tell them both that they saved my life, whether they believe it or not.
Gerard’s visits are my favorite. Not just because it’s Gerard, but because he’s a nice break from hearing everyone tell me that they miss me. He does occasionally, but most of his time spent here is full of him holding my hand, and making me feel less alone. Sometimes he sings to me. He’s learning how to play guitar, so he brings it up here and plays me songs. I feel so weightless when he plays. it helps me to try and stay positive. It makes me want to hold on. There are so many times throughout the day when I feel so tired and alone that I just want to let go. I just want to fall asleep permanently. And that’s usually what I plan to do, but then I hear him say my name, and I listen as his long pale fingers effortlessly pluck at the strings, and his melodic voice fills my ears, then I know that I can’t go anywhere, I fought way too hard to get him back, and I just can’t lose him. We are toxic lovers, and we are just destined to keep fighting to be together. It’s bullshit to me. I hate fighting for him, only to have something tell me I can’t have him again. It’s like running a race only to find out you’ve been going the wrong way the whole time.
“It’s been three months today that you’ve been asleep. I wait for you every day. Whenever I fall asleep, I wake up and forget everything for just a split second. But then it just hits me. I don’t know why I never thought about leaving the graduation with you. I saw you leaving and I questioned it. I should have gotten my ass up and left with you. If I did, well maybe you wouldn’t be like this. It’s my fault, really.”
I listened to him blame himself. I hated this. I hated hearing him talk like this, and not being able to reassure him. Not being able to kiss him and tell him that it was no one’s fault but Max’s. But I can’t. I can’t move. I feel so helpless. I just want him to know that I don’t blame him. I want to tell him so many things, but I can’t even bend my fingers.

“Gerard, I think it’s time we talked about this.” I heard my mom’s voice come from the distance. She sounded serious, and I knew it wasn’t good.
“Can it please wait? Today is his day, and I won’t be back until tuesday.”
He seemed eager, like he was nervous about something.
“No, Gerard. This is getting out of hand. You haven’t had a full night’s rest since Frank ended up here. You need to go home and take care of yourself. You need to shower and sleep in your bed.”
“No, I can’t. That’s selfish. I’m not leaving Frank just to take care of myself. I don’t matter. He matters. If I leave, he’ll be all alone tonight, and I can’t let that happen. I have to sing to him or else he won’t be happy. He has to know I’m here.”
His voice cracked like he was going to cry and my heart broke.
“Lindsey said that she would stay here tonight. You can go home. It’s okay. He won’t be alone.”
“No, tell her to stay home. I’m already here, I’m staying.” I could tell that he was freaking out because he was holding onto my hand tighter than usual.
“Gerard, if you don’t go home tonight, I’m going to take you off of the visitor’s list. Go home. Take care of yourself, and you can come back on tuesday.”
“This isn’t fair.” His voice was soft, like he had given up.
I felt his lips rest on my forehead like they always did before he was about to leave, and then his hand let go of mine. I felt so alone again. I wanted to run for him and grab his hand again, and never let go.
It was quiet for a few hours before Lindsey came. I heard her footsteps before the weight on my bed shifted slightly. She ran her hands through my hair lightly for a few minutes. It was comforting. The weight on my bed went back to normal when I felt her stand up. The awful sound of the small couch being moved echoed throughout the room. I only knew it was a couch because every now and then, I would hear Gerard curse it, saying something like “this damn couch”. Once she had it where, she wanted it, she sat down and began talking.
“So, Jimmy and I went to get an ultrasound today, and yeah I’m definitely pregnant. I’m so nervous, Frank. I don’t think I can be a mother. Jimmy is excited. He said he’s going to teach it how to ride a motorcycle and how to carve a knife out of a tree.” She let out a light chuckle.
She placed her cold hands into mine, and I felt less lonely.
“He told me that if it’s a boy, he wants to name it Frank. I thought that would be a lovely idea.”
I was so excited for her. It was driving me crazy that I couldn’t say anything. I wanted to tell her all about how I was going to spoil that child and how it would grow up to be so smart, and that she was going to be an amazing mom. Then the thought hit me that maybe I’ll never see this kid. Maybe I won’t wake up. Maybe this kid will grow up and be named after someone who doesn’t exist anymore. Then I thought about Gerard.
I can’t leave him. The effect on Gerard had never even crossed my mind. I had a life with him. I had a future, and maybe he and I would even have kids one day. Maybe we would have a cute little wedding and I would be Mr. Frank Way. I can’t leave the world without waiting for him first.
My thoughts were interrupted by Lindsey making a shocked sound, and the awful sound of the couch legs scraping the floor. “Holy shit Frank!”
I was so confused. What? What happened?
It was almost like she had heard me when she said “You fucking squeezed my hand!”

Notes