Mom told me about when I was born. Or, rather, she told me about you when I was born. She said you hated me. You had one of those complexes where you thought I was going to replace you. It was completely justified, I guess. I was a new thing in your world that had caused you to be inexplicably left alone with Grandma Elena. Who wouldn’t be suspicious and upset? And yet, even when Mom tells of your hatred, she always ends with, “But all of that changed whenever he got close enough to see you.”

She told me how your face lit up when you saw me and you bravely took my hand. I sometimes catch myself picturing what your face looked like in that moment. An overly-excited Gee is just too adorable. I bet you were chubby then, and you had yet to grow in most of your teeth. I wish I could remember it. I wish I remembered the moment when we first connected. When my tiny fist wrapped around your small finger.

I can hold onto the things that I do remember, though. I have many happy times that I hold dear. I remember my first day of kindergarten, when I was scared of everything. Perhaps I shouldn’t have held onto you so tightly, but I was afraid you would abandon me. Actually, I knew you would abandon me, which is why I was afraid.

I was so happy whenever the teacher said you could stay. We walked in the room and I discovered that you were right: there was nothing to worry about. All that met me were smiling faces, lots of toys, and furniture meant for people who were just my size. In other words, it was paradise. And having you there beside me just made it better. After all, you were my best friend.

I eventually let go of your arm to go participate, but I was well aware that you stayed in the room. At the time, I thought you wanted to support me through the whole day, but now I wonder if you just wanted to get out of class… I really wanted to include you in my success, though. Every time I answered a question right or talked to a new person, I would smile at you, searching for your approval. And you would always smile back. I knew a big eight year old like you wouldn’t want to hang out with kindergarteners, though, so I didn’t ask you to join us.

I remember when you were in fourth grade and Grandma Elena roped you into playing Peter Pan in the school play. It was really a defining moment in our lives. Without it, you probably would have never sung. We could have grown farther apart that we have. And our lives would be completely different.

Watching you up on that stage, dancing around in tights and singing your heart out…It was fascinating. I know that sounds crazy, but it woke something up inside of me. I wanted to pursue music and prove that I could be good like you. I wasn’t able to sing, though. (Trust me, I tried.) so I took up bass instead. Did you know that was why I did it? That it was because of you?

I remember the first time we kissed. I mean, how could I forget? I was the one who made it happen. I mean, in my innocent ten-year-old brain, it was only natural. The game called for Luke to kiss Laea. That’s it. There was no ulterior motive. I didn’t yet have a longing for you. I wasn’t plotting the best way to get your lips on mine. It was just an innocent gesture.

Of course, I was soon proven wrong. Your lips on mine felt right somehow. They made me think about what my friend had told me about liking girls. Yu made me feel all fuzzy inside and I didn’t want to let go. To me, that was liking. I wanted to kiss you more and spend even more time with you.

I was really disappointed when you never even mentioned it again. I mentioned it, though. Not to you, of course, but when I couldn’t stand it anymore I went to the one person who I thought would understand: Grandma Elena. I told her what I was feeling, and she got a faraway look in her eyes. It was kinda creepy, actually.

“Funny…” she said in a soft voice, “Funny how love works. Maybe I was too hard on Gerard. After all, how can something be wrong when it’s felt by both people?”

At the time, I had no clue what she was talking about. Then, later, too late, I figured it out. She had talked to you, too, and you had said the same thing as me. And she…she gave us her blessing, Gee. More or less, that’s what she said. It would have been alright with her if we were together.

I remember the day you became my hero for real. It started like any other day. I went to school and worked through all my classes. Afterwards I went to the cafeteria and traded Pokémon cards with a friend. I actually got a really good deal that day. He traded his special edition Mew Two for my plain old Charizard which I had two of anyway. Sucker.

Then I went to wait for you behind the school where I always did. I stood, minding my own business, admiring my deck. That was when the day went sour. Some kids I didn’t associate with approached. The guy in front sneered at me.

“What do you see in those dumb old cards?” he asked. Innocent little thing that I was, I didn’t realize that he meant it as an insult. I proceeded to tell him about the ins and outs of the game and how to win and what cards to get at all costs. His face grew angrier and angrier by the second, and soon he punched me in the face.

My glasses flew off and I fell to the ground, dropping my precious cards. His friends laughed and began ripping up the fallen objects. I yelled at them to stop. I couldn’t bear to think about my new Mew Two in shreds on the ground. All my pleading got me was a kick in the stomach, though. And then another. I could feel my nose bleeding and tears welling up in my eyes.

That was when you showed up. You pulled him off me and whispered something in his ear that made him run away. His cronies soon followed and then you were at my side. You pulled me into your arms, which was really nice.

“Are you okay?” you asked.

I did my best to smile at you, “Yeah, thanks to you I am.” It wasn’t cheesy or cliché. It was truthful.

You helped me get home and snuck me through the house to clean me up before Mom could see. You looked so worried every time you saw a spot of blood, and then relieved every time it turned out to be nothing. I looked at you, suddenly realizing the chance I had.

“You have to kiss me now,” I said hopefully.

“No, Mikey,” You replied, “Grandma said it’s wrong.”

That confused me. She hadn’t told me it was wrong. I mean, she never really said it was right either, but…

“But the hero always kisses the princess. And you’re definitely a hero.”

You sighed softly before leaning in and pressing your lips to mine. It was so nice. I reached up and snaked my hand around your shoulders. Then you did something I wasn’t expecting. You pried my lips apart with your own and snuck your tongue into my mouth. I didn’t understand it, but it didn’t feel bad, so I let it happen.

I remember the day you left for art school. Mom was in hysterics all day, upset that her oldest son was leaving her. I was pretty upset, too. You were going away without ever clarifying what was going on between us. I’m not sure what I expected…For you to tell me you loved me as more than a brother or friend before you left? Maybe, but it never happened. And anyway, even if we hadn’t been brothers, a nineteen year old with a sixteen year old is illegal.

I tried really hard to get alone time with you that day. I just wanted to talk to you, hang out like when we were kids. I wasn’t able to, though. You were too busy packing and Mom wouldn’t stop fussing. So I did what I could in the few moments I had before you left. I knew I couldn’t kiss you in front of Mom, so I placed my lips gently against your cheek, hoping you understood.

“Come visit soon, okay?” I whispered, hoping you understood the weight of what I was asking. You nodded before pulling away. Then Mom was on you and you were gone.

I remember when we met Mr. Ray Toro. You were still in art school and I was just starting out college. I remember that I chose a school that I knew would be closer to you so we could hang out more. Your friend Sean had said he knew someone who we’d get along with. You agreed to meet him and of course brought me along. And we hit it off really well. Ray became one of my best friends. I guess I have you to thank for that, even if you looked a little jealous about it.

I remember when you showed me Skylines and Turnstiles. I was astounded. I knew you could sing, of course, even if you never did, but the way you put that song together…I knew it was special and something would come out of it. I didn’t realize that I would become a part of it. And I was so happy that I did.

There are also times that I wish I could forget. I remember the first time you kissed Frank Iero. It tore me apart inside. Watching your lips against his as he practically raped you with his guitar was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Well, not the hardest thing but it was terrible nonetheless.

I wanted to be angry at the two of you, but I couldn’t find it in me. After all, Frank was a cool dude and you…you were my brother and best friend. How could I be mad at you? So instead I watched from a distance. I seethed with jealousy every time one of you would attack the other onstage. Sometimes I would imagine that it was me you were kissing. I would think about how nice it would be to declare my love for you onstage with something as simple as a kiss…

I remember the day you married Lyn-z. Even though it was a backstage wedding, you insisted I be your best man. THAT was the hardest thing I had to do. In no way did I ever want to give Lyn-z my blessing. What I wanted to do was tell you not to marry her. I wanted to tell you to marry me instead or at least be with me because the law wouldn’t allow marriage.

But society would have looked down on that, now wouldn’t they?

Now I find myself wondering at the fact that the band is done and I no longer have the pleasure of seeing you for large amounts every year. I know that I’m going to miss you, and I hope that you’ll eventually come to your senses and get us back together. And, of course, there’s always that nagging “what if” in the back of my mind. What if we hadn’t stayed away from each other? What if we had said “Fuck society” and been together? I know I’ll never get the answer, but I’ll always ask anyway…

END

Notes

i tried to make this a bit different from Gerard's chapter so it would be obvious it was a different person. did it work?