Raise heaven in hell

We sit in silence, just listening to music for a while. Every time I look over to Gerard he turns his eyes away from me and every time I look away or close my eyes, I feel his gaze on me again. God, I just hope I’m not blushing.
But when Never let me down again by Smashing pumpkins comes on Gerard looks away. I look at him, confused. We listened to a couple of Smashing pumpkins songs before that one and he didn’t have this reaction. He’s looking at nothing particular and chewing his lip. “What’s wrong?” I ask and he looks at me like he just noticed I’m here. Are those tears in his eyes? “Nothing…” He mutters and skips the song. What the hell just happened? “Why did you skip that song?” I should slap myself for that question. It’s none of my business why he skipped the song. “‘Cause it reminds me of my brother.” He mutters, looking down. “He died eight months ago…” He pauses the music now, blinking furiously. “I’m so sorry.” I whisper. “It’s okay… well it’s not but we both lost a lot of people, right?” I nod. “I’m sorry, just this song reminds me of him... We went to a Smashing Pumpkins concert when we were younger and ever since that we wanted to do what they were doing. Mikey played the bass and I tried learning the guitar and we wanted to start a band with our friend Ray. But then this happened…” He takes a deep breath. “He just turned 13 when the glitch erupted. We have a roof window in the attic that dad didn’t plank and every time he was scared I took him up there and said ‘See the stars, they’re shinning bright. Everything’s alright tonight.’” Tears start rolling down his cheeks and he wipes them away angrily. “Just like in the song…” I never had a sibling so I can’t possibly begin to imagine his loss but it must be terrible. “My mom and dad both died in a car crash soon after the glitch had started and ever since we’ve been on our own. I tried my best to protect him. But he got the glitch anyways…” He starts sobbing and I automatically put my hand around his shoulder and pull him closer. Before I realize what I’m doing it’s already too late, but he doesn’t push me away. “I couldn’t save him… he saved my life and I couldn’t save him.” His tears are falling on my shoulders and his body is shaking and I wish I could do something to help him. “It’s not your fault. You can’t protect people from the glitch.” “I wish I could.” He mutters and wipes his tears. “Me too.” We sit in silence and his body is still pressed against mine and it’s making my heart race.
“Frank?” He asks after a couple of minutes. “How did you learn to play the guitar so well?” I smile. “Practice. And patience.” “You’re really good.” He says. Dammit Gerard, stop making me blush. “Thanks. But I’m out of practice… Can I play again tomorrow?” “Of course you can.” He smiles and then moves away from me. My arms suddenly feel empty and one side of my body cold. Why couldn’t we just stay like that forever? “I should make lunch… Wanna help?” He asks and stands up. “Only if you want your house burnt down.” I laugh. “Then maybe not…” He laughs. I noticed his nose wrinkles when he laughs and it’s the most adorable thing ever. “I was thinking of making potatoes and something, is that okay with you?” My mouth falls open. “Where did you get potatoes? Where the fuck do you get these stuff?” “I happen to have a garden, Frankie.” He laughs. My heart skips a beat. Did he just call me Frankie? Nobody’s called me that in years. Fuck when he says it, it sounds so much better. Aaaaand I have a boner. Fuck. Luckily Gerard’s hoodie is big enough to cover my budge so he doesn’t see it. Hopefully. I get up and go back to the guest room, closing the door behind me.
Well fuck. I throw myself on the bed. I had to develop a crush on the possibly last human alive, didn’t I? I’m a fucking idiot. Why did I agree to stay here for two weeks in the first place? I should’ve gone today so none of this would happen… God I’m such an idiot. It’s the apocalypse; the last thing you need is feelings.
I’m gonna leave tomorrow. I shouldn’t stay here any longer so I don’t develop even stronger feelings for him. It will only make it harder for me to leave on my birthday if I stay here any longer. But I can’t do this to him. Not after he just told me about Mikey. He’s so alone; the least I can do is keep him some company while I can. Fuck it, I’m alone too. With probably less than a million people alive in the states, everybody’s alone. And it’s the best way to survive. In groups, one catches the glitch and the next thing you know the whole group has the glitch. Or somebody gets hurt and it’s slowing down the whole group and attracting the Reapers. Plus there’s this whole feelings scenario again. It’s just better to stay on your own. But what will he think of me if I go? I can’t go. It’s not like I’m gonna stop thinking about him if I leave tomorrow. But I’m gonna miss him more if I leave in two weeks. I’m gonna leave tomorrow. But how am I gonna tell him? I’ll just think of something.
Suddenly Gerard appears at my door. “Lunch is ready.” He smiles. I’m gonna miss his smile. Stop it. The more I think about him the harder it’s gonna be to leave tomorrow. I jump off the bed and follow him into the kitchen.
The lunch is so good I forget about everything and just focus on the potatoes. He baked them in the oven with some spices and it’s delicious. I should ask him if he can give me some food tomorrow… but that would be too much. The fact that he offered me to stay here and eat his food is enough. I have my own food and I’ll find water somewhere.
I finish my plate and then help Gerard clean the dishes. I notice Gerard is humming to himself and I imagine Mikey and him singing while doing the dishes. I don’t know why this image flashes through my head but now I feel guilt rising up inside me. I try my best to push it down and just focus on the dishes. No matter how guilty I feel I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna leave tomorrow.

Notes

Hey guys!
Sorry this chapter is a little bit short...I'll try to make the next one longer, I promise!
Also Jake Pitts from Black Veil Brides has his birthday today <3 anybody here listen to BVB? I love them <3
Also I'll be going to London on Tuesday and I won't take my laptop with me. I'll try to update by then but if not the next update comes in September...
Nina xx
P.S.: Never let me down again is a really good song... It's originally from Depeche Mode but I listened to Smashing Pumpkins cover while writing this and it's amazing <3 I love it