But You Still Have All Of Me
three.
June 29
There was an open casket visitation a few nights later. The day after the visitation we were taking Frank to his final resting place. I kept praying that this had all just been a horrible nightmare, that I would wake up and none of it would have happened. Though Gerard had offered to come with me, I knew that I had to see him alone. Very slowly, I made my way up to the casket that held my love and braced myself to see him. It looked more as if he were in a peaceful slumber. He looked beautiful, with only a small mark left on his face from where he’d been badly injured. I ran my hand over his cheek, touched his hair one last time and ran my thumb over his bottom lip. Tears filled my eyes at the though of never seeing him again, never embracing, feeling his warm gentle breath against my neck before whispering the words “I love you” in my ear. I had to leave the room. I couldn’t lose it in front of anyone again. I ran off to the bathroom, followed by Gerard calling out my name. I ran into the bathroom, sliding my back down the wall and sinking to the floor. My palms pressed into my temples and my elbows rested on my knees. Seconds later, Gerard pushed through the door and found his way to the floor beside me. He tried to comfort me, and hold me while the tears streamed from my eyes. I pushed his arms away, saying “No Gerard, don’t touch me, please, don’t, just don’t.” His determination to hold me resulted in me slapping him, but giving in. All I could do was cry.
There would be no more memories, no more late night walks, cuddling… there was never going to be any of that again. Frank was gone. I wouldn’t see him again. I promised myself that day, that I wouldn’t love any other again. My heart was Frank’s, it couldn’t be anyone else’s.
Gerard held my left hand tightly and led me back up to the casket. I placed my hand on top of Frank’s again, this time finding the warmth of Gerard’s hand covering mine. I took a deep breath, pushing all my tears back. I had to be brave. Then looking at his wrist, I found the one thing that in return made me look at my own wrist. I read the tattoo on his wrist, continuing with my own. When we were 18 we went to the tattoo parlor and got special tattoos.
Both read “I love you more <3”. His was in my writing, mine was in his. I knew that this was really it. Frank was really gone.
June 30 the funeral
The small service we planned for Frank seemed even harder to go through with. The casket was open and before the start of the service I went up to it once more. After taking a moment of silence with Gerard the previous night, I realized something. Looking at him, out of pain, in peace, I realized it was better this way than Frank being in constant pain, possibly in a wheel chair for the rest of his life. He would have hated that. At least this way, he wouldn’t be in pain. I brought the tips of my fingers to my lips then brought my finger tips to his lips, signifying a final kiss, all of my love. I ran my hand over his cheek and touched his hair the way I had the day before, then left the side of the casket, taking a last look at his eternal beauty. I went to take my seat on the pew beside Matt as Gerard went up to read the first part of Frank’s eulogy. He read a poem that Frank had loved, and talked of Frank’s life. Mikey replaced him at the pulpit soon after. Mikey spoke of Frank’s life with all of us, and mentioned some of Frank’s best moments. Tears formed in his eyes, but he pushed on. “Frank was a great person, we all loved him, he was like a second brother to me. He was a great friend, and we’re all going to miss him very much. Most of all, there is one, who I’m sure right now is in a lot of pain. I can’t imagine being in her place… Aiden darling,” he held his hand out, calling me to come up and stand with him. “As most of you know, this is Aiden McKeown, Frank’s best friend, his soul mate, his fiance. She wanted to do something a little more special in memory of Frank today.” He looked at me to check if I was ready, and I gave him the go ahead, swallowing hard and forcing the lump back down my throat. “Aiden will be singing ‘I Will Follow You Into The Dark’, it was their song.”
Forcing the first notes past the lump, I began to sing.
Love of mine,
Some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark
No blinding light
Or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's
On their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
I held back tears through the whole song. A little while after I finished Gerard, Mikey, Matt and a few others carried the casket holding Frankie to the hearse that waited outside. They slowly lowered the casket into the vehicle then waited as the driver closed the door. Gerard made his way back to meet me, Mikey followed close behind. Matt brought up the rear, helping Ray in the wheelchair we’d gotten him for the day. The five of us all got into the black limo that followed the hearse to the cemetery. Mikey held my hand the whole way there, and Gerard had more of a hold on my arm. We stopped in the very center of the cemetery, mine and Frank’s favorite place, where we had all decided to have Frankie buried. The lump still had not vanished from my through, but on;y grown larger. I wasn’t going to cry. I couldn’t. Tears couldn’t fix this.
We all got out of the limo and walked over to the burial place of my beloved. It was only the five of us and the priest in the cemetery. We had asked for it to be this way. Frank wouldn’t have wanted it to be a big public event. The casket was still above the ground when each of the five of us went up to it, placing a rose on top of it. The priest said a few last words and blessed Frank in his final resting place.
As the casket lowered into the ground I felt my heart shatter. I dropped a second rose onto the top of it. Quietly I whispered “Frank, I love you, and only you. It will never be any other way. Rest in peace my beautiful, until we meet in some other place, some other life… I’ll never forget you.” I turned that day, and exited the cemetery alone.
There was an open casket visitation a few nights later. The day after the visitation we were taking Frank to his final resting place. I kept praying that this had all just been a horrible nightmare, that I would wake up and none of it would have happened. Though Gerard had offered to come with me, I knew that I had to see him alone. Very slowly, I made my way up to the casket that held my love and braced myself to see him. It looked more as if he were in a peaceful slumber. He looked beautiful, with only a small mark left on his face from where he’d been badly injured. I ran my hand over his cheek, touched his hair one last time and ran my thumb over his bottom lip. Tears filled my eyes at the though of never seeing him again, never embracing, feeling his warm gentle breath against my neck before whispering the words “I love you” in my ear. I had to leave the room. I couldn’t lose it in front of anyone again. I ran off to the bathroom, followed by Gerard calling out my name. I ran into the bathroom, sliding my back down the wall and sinking to the floor. My palms pressed into my temples and my elbows rested on my knees. Seconds later, Gerard pushed through the door and found his way to the floor beside me. He tried to comfort me, and hold me while the tears streamed from my eyes. I pushed his arms away, saying “No Gerard, don’t touch me, please, don’t, just don’t.” His determination to hold me resulted in me slapping him, but giving in. All I could do was cry.
There would be no more memories, no more late night walks, cuddling… there was never going to be any of that again. Frank was gone. I wouldn’t see him again. I promised myself that day, that I wouldn’t love any other again. My heart was Frank’s, it couldn’t be anyone else’s.
Gerard held my left hand tightly and led me back up to the casket. I placed my hand on top of Frank’s again, this time finding the warmth of Gerard’s hand covering mine. I took a deep breath, pushing all my tears back. I had to be brave. Then looking at his wrist, I found the one thing that in return made me look at my own wrist. I read the tattoo on his wrist, continuing with my own. When we were 18 we went to the tattoo parlor and got special tattoos.
Both read “I love you more <3”. His was in my writing, mine was in his. I knew that this was really it. Frank was really gone.
June 30 the funeral
The small service we planned for Frank seemed even harder to go through with. The casket was open and before the start of the service I went up to it once more. After taking a moment of silence with Gerard the previous night, I realized something. Looking at him, out of pain, in peace, I realized it was better this way than Frank being in constant pain, possibly in a wheel chair for the rest of his life. He would have hated that. At least this way, he wouldn’t be in pain. I brought the tips of my fingers to my lips then brought my finger tips to his lips, signifying a final kiss, all of my love. I ran my hand over his cheek and touched his hair the way I had the day before, then left the side of the casket, taking a last look at his eternal beauty. I went to take my seat on the pew beside Matt as Gerard went up to read the first part of Frank’s eulogy. He read a poem that Frank had loved, and talked of Frank’s life. Mikey replaced him at the pulpit soon after. Mikey spoke of Frank’s life with all of us, and mentioned some of Frank’s best moments. Tears formed in his eyes, but he pushed on. “Frank was a great person, we all loved him, he was like a second brother to me. He was a great friend, and we’re all going to miss him very much. Most of all, there is one, who I’m sure right now is in a lot of pain. I can’t imagine being in her place… Aiden darling,” he held his hand out, calling me to come up and stand with him. “As most of you know, this is Aiden McKeown, Frank’s best friend, his soul mate, his fiance. She wanted to do something a little more special in memory of Frank today.” He looked at me to check if I was ready, and I gave him the go ahead, swallowing hard and forcing the lump back down my throat. “Aiden will be singing ‘I Will Follow You Into The Dark’, it was their song.”
Forcing the first notes past the lump, I began to sing.
Love of mine,
Some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark
No blinding light
Or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's
On their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
I held back tears through the whole song. A little while after I finished Gerard, Mikey, Matt and a few others carried the casket holding Frankie to the hearse that waited outside. They slowly lowered the casket into the vehicle then waited as the driver closed the door. Gerard made his way back to meet me, Mikey followed close behind. Matt brought up the rear, helping Ray in the wheelchair we’d gotten him for the day. The five of us all got into the black limo that followed the hearse to the cemetery. Mikey held my hand the whole way there, and Gerard had more of a hold on my arm. We stopped in the very center of the cemetery, mine and Frank’s favorite place, where we had all decided to have Frankie buried. The lump still had not vanished from my through, but on;y grown larger. I wasn’t going to cry. I couldn’t. Tears couldn’t fix this.
We all got out of the limo and walked over to the burial place of my beloved. It was only the five of us and the priest in the cemetery. We had asked for it to be this way. Frank wouldn’t have wanted it to be a big public event. The casket was still above the ground when each of the five of us went up to it, placing a rose on top of it. The priest said a few last words and blessed Frank in his final resting place.
As the casket lowered into the ground I felt my heart shatter. I dropped a second rose onto the top of it. Quietly I whispered “Frank, I love you, and only you. It will never be any other way. Rest in peace my beautiful, until we meet in some other place, some other life… I’ll never forget you.” I turned that day, and exited the cemetery alone.
Please update soon?
-xoxo Dani
12/16/12