Letters from the Dead

It was a windy day. Frank held the bouquet of tea roses in his arms, cradling it against the wind. They looked so fragile in his grasp. He brushed the pale-pink petals which were tinged with purple around the edges softly, and they felt like silk against his fingers.

When Frank had visited the florist, the pale-pink tea roses sitting innocently on the counter-top had caught his eye. They were glistening with faint little droplets of water, and under the light, Frank had been awestruck by their beauty. Tea-roses, the florist had said, meant “I’ll always remember” in the language of flowers.

It felt right for the occasion.

Frank had nodded in response and requested the florist to pick out some fresh ones for a bouquet.

He laid the roses in front of the gravestone, leaning forward to clean the marble with the sleeve of his jacket.

In loving memory of Gerard Arthur Way

1977-2012

Beloved lover and friend

“I pity you all... Most of you will die---scratch that---ALL of you.*”

“Hi Gerard,” Frank said. He brushed the leaves off the gravestone, smiling at the funny and slightly morbid epithet that Gerard had always told Frank that he wanted to put on his grave.

“It’s been exactly a year today,” Frank continued as he settled down next to the tombstone. “It’s been a difficult year, but I’ve been doing okay so far. I admit it was really hard in the beginning. I missed you every day. I cried almost every day. Hell, I still miss you, Gerard.” Frank trailed his fingers across the marble.

“And when I found out what you did back then… Can you believe how overprotective Bob and Ray were? Bastards kept the truth from me for more than a month,” Frank shook his head, smirking ruefully at the memory, “I was devastated when I knew what you had done to Lizzie. It felt as though you had destroyed my world. I felt betrayed, guilty, angry... But I missed you even more fiercely.” Frank sighed.

“It’s been easier for me now. Bob has helped a lot.”

Frank paused in his monologue. He turned to the gravestone and starting speaking again.

“Both Bob and Ray have been very supportive towards me, especially Bob. It helps that he understands what I’m going through. And when I see how strong he is… I can’t help but want to do the same. To be as resilient as he is, to be able to smile and live on happily despite everything that has happened. To be able to forgive his father, look back and still love his father despite all the mistakes he made.”

“Ray has always been there for me too. He’s like the patient older brother I never had. His presence has always been warm, comforting and reassuring.” Frank gazed at the sky, watching the clouds drift by.

“Now that I think about it… I really ought to thank you, Gerard. Without you, I wouldn’t have made such good friends.” Frank chortled.

“I’ve been promoted, Gerard. I finally got the chance to become a shareholder in the firm. It’s amazing. It’s been my dream for such a long time. I wish you were here to share it with me.”

“Ray’s been good too. I heard he’s been taking over your position as the next Lucifer in the department. Tormenting all the bastards.” Frank grinned. “And he’s currently dating Christa, which he says is all thanks to you. They’re really good together, Gerard,” Frank said, tapping the bottom of his chin thoughtfully. “Sometimes, they really scare me though. They can complete each other’s sentences you know?” Frank snickered as he remembered the look of incredulity on Bob’s face when they both realized the amazing chemistry between Ray and Christa – he could only imagine that his own look of disbelief was a mirror of Bob’s countenance.

“And Bob’s doing really well at the Bureau too. He’s been on a few dates recently, but for the moment he doesn’t seem relatively keen on settling down with anyone yet. He’s never appreciated the blind dates that I’ve set him up for too. The last time I asked him out for lunch, and sneakily arranged a potential date to turn up as well before fleeing the restaurant with some lame excuse, he stormed over to our place and said to me, “Frank, I love you like a brother, but if you set me up on another blind date, I swear to God I will hit you over the head with a baseball bat.” Then he basically told me to mind my own business. Well, since he’s so adamant about it, I’m not going to interfere anymore.” Frank sniffed, still feeling a little sore about being told that he was being a nosey asshole.

“I’ve been thinking about it recently... at least more rationally than before.” Frank said seriously. “About what you did. You were just a frightened fifteen year old back then. Although you made a mistake, and although you raped my sister… Bob was right. Your mistakes shaped you. It was your choices that defined you, it was your choices that molded you towards becoming the man I love. You protected me, loved me, cared for me and supported me… And for all the years we were together, you never left me until the very end. I’m very grateful for that, Gerard. I’m a better person because of that.”

“I forgive you, Gerard. For everything you have done.” Frank said softly. He stood up, leaning over the top of the gravestone. “I’ll miss you. I’m letting you go now.” He closed his eyes and brushed a kiss on top of the cool marble. The wind brushed his cheek gently like fingers trailing across his skin.

“Goodbye, Gee. I will always love you.” Frank smiled. He brushed the top of the gravestone in an affectionate gesture, his thumb rubbing against the smooth edges. And then Frank turned and left the graveyard, the leaves skittering softly and trailing behind him in the wind.

Notes

Within Temptation - Forgiven

You gave up the fight
You left me behind
All that's done's forgiven
You'll always be mine
I know deep inside
All that's done's forgiven

This was definitely not an easy fic to write.

I wrote the first two chapters two years ago. Then, I wavered between the choice of turning this into a horror fic, or an inspirational one (albeit slightly dark). I knew that an inspirational fic would be horribly boring to many. But in the end, I decided, screw it. Inspirational fic it would be. And after a hiatus where I had severe writer’s block for a few years, I came back a few months ago with a vengeance to write, write, WRITE.

Apart from the fact that this fic was meant to be depressing, angsty and horrible, it was also meant to be stimulating. I personally feel that it’s not a conventional fic. And I’m quite proud of that fact. I don’t think I’ve ever read a fic which focuses so much on the aftermath of someone’s death and a betrayal of great extent towards a loved one – in this I’m referring to both Gerard’s and Alfred’s betrayals.

Needless to say, Gerard was my favourite character. Gerard’s character was intricate, complicated but amazing to build and I loved describing him through his friends. His relationships with Frank, Ray and Bob were fun to write.

So was Gerard a good person? No, not really. He was a snarky bastard, sarcastic and sometimes spiteful. However, he wasn’t a bad person either. He was fiercely loyal to his friends. He made many changes to both the lives of Ray and Bob. Towards Ray, he was a protective friend, caring beneath all the smarminess. Ray started off as a rash and hot-headed agent, but gradually became more cool-headed due to Gerard’s influence. Towards Bob, Gerard helped him through a difficult period of time. Gerard protected Frank and loved him till his death. All three greatly love him, a person who possessed as much flaws as good attributes. Even if he had made a mistake and raped Elizabeth Iero many years ago, he used his mistakes to shape his life and he used it to make himself a good FBI agent.

I wrote this with the intention of driving home the message that life is not always split into black and white. Similarly, people are not all bad or good either. There are always gray areas. People make mistakes, and sometimes the mistakes end up defining them. The choice is theirs, however, to make let their mistakes make them into a better person… or someone much worse.

I hope you have enjoyed this fic. I have certainly enjoyed writing it.

xo, Janice