Letters from the Dead

Frank sank to his knees the moment the front door slammed shut as Bob fled the house. The roaring in his ears intensified and Frank slammed his hands over his ears in order to block out the sound. It felt like the world was collapsing around him, and he was alone – utterly and completely alone. Sobs racked through his body as he fell forward, hot tears flooding his cheeks.

“You destroy me, Frank.” The soft, velvety whisper was followed by the faintest touch of lips to his own.

Frank blinked back the tears.

Gerard’s voice rang in his ears. Again and again…

“You destroy me, Frank.”

No, Gerard, you destroyed me.

*

Frank: Age 10; Gerard: Age 15

“Gerard!” Ten-year-old Frank Iero threw himself at fifteen-year-old Gerard Way, sobbing wretchedly.

“What’s wrong? There, there, don’t cry, Frankie.” Gerard wrapped his arms around the boy, hoisting him up on his hips with a little effort. He hadn’t carried the boy for a few years now since Frankie had insisted that he was older now and didn’t want to be treated like a baby anymore. However, Frankie looked so upset now and Gerard automatically slipped back into his protective older brother role.

He patted the boy on his back soothingly.

“She’s gone, Gerard.” The boy’s grip around Gerard’s neck tightened as he mumbled into his collarbone.

“What?” Gerard asked, confused. “Who’s gone?”

“Lizzie. Lizzie’s gone.”

“Oh my God.”

*

Frank clutched Gerard’s fingers tightly like a lifeline.

There were a lot of strange people about. His sister’s friends, teachers, classmates, his parents’ friends, their relatives... Some he had seen before, some he had not. They were all crowded together, silently watching the burial. Frank’s own parents stood beside Frank, grieving over their daughter. His mother wrapped an arm around Frank’s shoulders as she wept bitterly. Gerard’s parents were next to Gerard, heads bowed low in respect.

Frankie was crying as he watched the coffin being lowered into the ground. He understood that Lizzie was finally at peace now… and that he would never see his loving sister again.

Frank looked up at Gerard. He noticed that Gerard was pale and anxious-looking, and his face was smeared and glinting with tears under the sunlight.

Gerard’s grip tightened on his as he noticed Frankie looking up at him.

“What do we do now, Gerard?”

A look of distress shot across the teenager’s face at those simple words. Gerard smiled down at him in the midst of his tears. He got down on one knee, opened his arms and hugged Frankie tightly.

“I’ll look after you, like what I promised your sister.” Gerard whispered into his ears.

“Okay.” Frank innocently replied as he snuggled into Gerard’s warm embrace.

Frank: Age 15; Gerard: Age 20

“Frankie! Frankie! Are you still here?”

Frank heard the sound of footsteps hurrying down the darkened school hallway.

Frank began to hit the metal door with his fists again.

“Gerard!! In here!”

“Frank?” Gerard’s voice rang across the hallway in alarm and bewilderment. “Where the fuck are you?”

“In the locker! 493.”

Frank peered out through the thin opening of the locker. Frank was thankful that the school had ordered lockers with slits so that administrative notes could be placed into students’ lockers; otherwise he would have suffocated to death many hours ago.

A pair of hazel eyes met his own across the slit, and the worry in them were automatically replaced with relief.

“Oh thank God. We were all so worried about you!”

“Let me out first,” Frank grumbled, “I’ve been standing up for hours!”

“Give me the combination.”

Gerard twisted the lock to the right, turned it to the left then back to the right again before it clicked open. He hurriedly pulled the locker door open and Frank fell weakly into his arms.

“Oh my god.” Frank groaned. “I have no feeling in my legs.”

Gerard supported Frank as he set him gently on the floor. He absent-mindedly began to rub the sensation back into Frank’s legs.

“Gwaaah.” Frank moaned, his eyes fluttering shut at the relief that flooded into his legs. “That feels nice.”

There was a cough as Gerard suddenly stopped his ministrations to Frank’s poor legs. Frank opened his eyes and caught a look of unease appearing on Gerard’s countenance.

“What the hell happened?” Gerard asked distractedly.

“Jocks. Assholes locked me in.” Frank made a pleading motion with his hands towards Gerard, wanting him to help rub his feet again.

Gerard’s eyes narrowed in anger at the words as he continued to squeeze the calf muscles of Frank’s legs.

“You provoked them?” he asked.

“By existing,” Frank replied dryly. “Homophobes, the whole lot of them.”

“Bastards.” Gerard offered sympathetically. “You should get your parents to make a complain.”

“Nah, that’ll make things worse,” Frank nodded at Gerard. “You should know how things get in school sometimes.”

Gerard nodded, but still looked uneasy.

“Are you sure?”

Frank nodded. “I am,” he replied. “Besides, I’ve someone who will look for me after school if I go missing. At least I know that my corpse will be accounted for.” He gave Gerard a cheeky grin.

Gerard rolled his eyes.

“I prefer you alive, you idiot.” He smacked Frank’s forehead soundly.

“Ow! What did you do that for?” Frank rubbed his forehead, complaining loudly. “I’ll be fine, Gerard, don’t be such a worry-wart.”

“Tell you what,” Gerard said thoughtfully. “I’ll talk to your teacher and ask her to keep an eye on the situation, just to make sure things don’t go out of hand. How about that?”

Frank frowned.

“Don’t worry Frank, I won’t ask her to punish those assholes, no matter how much they deserve it.” Gerard snorted. “I’ll just ask her to make sure you’re okay.”

Frank nodded reluctantly.

“That’ll help, Gerard. Thanks.” He offered Gerard a shy smile.

“Cmon, time to go home now. Your parents are worried.” Gerard stood up, dusting the non-existent dirt off his pants before offering Frank his hand.

Frank grinned at Gerard as he took his hand. It felt warm and reassuring in his grip.

Frank: Age 18; Gerard: Age 23

“Gerard, you’ve always been there for me. Always.”

Gerard look a little confused.

“Well, Frank, I promised your sister that I would look after you and I was just…”

“This isn’t about Lizzie, Gerard!” Frank tapped his foot impatiently. He felt like a child throwing a freaking tantrum because his mother wasn’t going to buy a toy for him. “Please let me finish what I want to say.”

Gerard raised an eyebrow questioningly, but nodded anyway.

“I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently. It’s been years… We grew up together. You’ve always been there for me, fighting my battles with me. Sharing my joy with me, helping me through all the bad and the good. You were there when I needed someone to comfort me.”

“All I know is that I feel for you, Gerard. I’m in love with you. And I want to know whether you feel the same.” Frank said softly.

Gerard reared back in shock and his mouth widened in surprise. He turned away from Frank, but not before Frank saw the look of pure distress on his face, “Frank… I cannot…”

Frank stormed up towards Gerard and spun him around to face him again.

“Gerard, please don’t hide from me,” Frank begged. He tentatively lifted a hand and brushed a strand of hair gently away from Gerard’s face. He marveled at the feel of Gerard’s skin under his fingers. “Please, look at me and tell me what you really feel.”

“Don’t tell me you don’t feel this,” Frank emphasized, as his fingers brushed the bottom of Gerard’s lips sensually. Gerard’s lips twitched and parted unconsciously in response, and his hazel eyes clouded over with joy, pain, lust… and what looked like conflict. Frank felt a sizzling sensation shooting up his spine. He bit back a soft moan as his heart raced erratically.

“… Don’t tell me you don’t feel anything at all.” Frank brushed Gerard’s right cheek, his right hand thumbing the warm, soft skin.

Gerard groaned in response, closing his eyes. He grabbed Frank’s hand suddenly, holding it against his cheek hesitantly.

For a long, glorious moment, Frank was hopeful. Then Gerard opened his eyes and gazed right into Frank’s hazel eyes… and something which looked terribly like horror flooded onto his face and his mouth twisted ruefully.

Gerard rocked backwards as though he had been slapped. He pushed Frank’s hand away, and Frank’s heart sank. He retreated and placed a safe distance in between the two of them.

“I’m sorry Frank, I don’t.”

Frank: Age 19; Gerard: Age 24

Frank was devastated when Gerard introduced his boyfriend to him.

James Kroehler was perfect in every sense. He was tall with short, black hair, sharp angular features chiseled onto his face in perfect proportions and the most gorgeous pair of eyes, a startling shade of lightning-blue. What made things even better (or worse, depending on how you looked at it) was that he was rich and successful.

He was everything that Frank was not.

Frank hated him.

He hated the way James Kroehler wrapped himself around Gerard’s body, the way he rested his head casually on Gerard’s shoulders. He hated the way James whispered into Gerard’s ears, hated the way Gerard blushed in embarrassment and the way he laughed at James’ jokes and light teasing.

He didn’t notice the look of shamefaced relief on Gerard’s face and the faint amusement on James’ face when Frank fled from Gerard’s house.

He told himself that Gerard deserved a better person than himself.

He told himself to move on and give up on Gerard.

But he couldn’t.

He didn’t realize anything wrong until a few months later when he saw James behaving affectionately with a beautiful girl. When Frank furiously confronted James, he realized that it had all been an act…. Put up for his “benefit”.

Frank: Age 20; Gerard: Age 25

Frank was yelling at Gerard, calling him a coward for not facing up to his own emotions when Gerard snapped.

“I’m not a nice man, Frank!” Gerard shouted at him “I’ve done terrible things that you’ve never even dreamed of. Loving me is the worst mistake anyone can ever make, especially you!”

“What do you mean by that, Gerard?” Frank demanded, moving closer to Gerard as he shook Gerard by the shoulders.

Gerard was breathing heavily, his shoulders heaving with effort as he leaned against the kitchen table. His rage was very much perceptible, and tension strung tightly between the two people in the room.

Frank glared viciously at Gerard. Even though Frank was feeling furious, he couldn’t help noticing that Gerard was deadly beautiful in all his passionate anger. His pale porcelain face was taut and tense, his hazel eyes looked obsidian under the light and it was flashing dangerously. His mouth was pressed into a thin and tight line. Gerard’s cheeks were red and flushed with effort as he left out a huge sigh.

“Forget I said anything.” Gerard waved a hand in mid-air wearily. “Get the fuck out of here before I throw you out of my house.”

“I’m not leaving!” Frank snarled irately. “I’ve seen the way you looked at me, Gerard! I know you love me! And the entire fiasco with James! Why are you doing this to me?”

“For God’s sake, Frank!! Stop being so fucking delusional! I’m sick of you insisting that I’m in love with you! Fine. You’re not leaving? Then I will.” Gerard threw his arms up in frustration as he stormed out of his own house.

Frank slammed his fist into the wall. He felt the skin between his knuckles rip satisfyingly.

Delusional?? Was he really?

Frank gritted his teeth and cursed. He was sick and tired of all this.

Frank: Age 22; Gerard: Age 27

“I cannot love you.”

“I notice that you didn’t say that you don’t.”

Gerard snorted.

“Semantics.”

Frank sighed.

“Why, Gerard? You owe me at least that much.”

“I already told you before, Frank. I’m not a nice man. I’ve done terrible things.”

“Like what?”

There was a pause.

“Please let me keep my own secrets, Frank. One day, you will know. And one day, you will hate me for it.” Gerard’s voice dropped to an almost-whisper.

“I don’t care!” Frank replied fiercely. “I love you.” He reached up, and hooked an arm around Gerard’s neck, trying to bring him closer for a kiss.

“Don’t, Frankie. You’ll regret it.” Gerard looked torn as he looked down at Frank, his arms snaking unconsciously around Frank’s waist. He didn’t seem to realize that he was bringing Frank closer towards him.

YES! FINALLY!

Frank did a silent pump of victory. His heartbeat tripled.

“I won’t.” Frank replied aggressively. “Please, Gerard.” He tilted his head upwards in anticipation, his tongue trailing over his lips.

Gerard groaned softly in response. Frank caressed Gerard’s cheek tenderly, and Gerard’s eyelashes fluttered shut as he basked in the sensation of Frank’s warm touch. He could smell the cinnamon soap that Frank used on his palm.

“Why are you making this so hard for me?” Gerard questioned quietly.

“Why are YOU making this so hard for US?” Frank replied gently.

Gerard sighed and finally gave in.

“You destroy me, Frank.” The soft, velvety whisper was followed by the faintest touch of lips to his own.

*

“Shush… It’s okay now, Frank.” There was a familiar presence at his side. Frank felt a pair of hands rubbing up and down his back.

“Deep breaths now.”

Frank obeyed without thought, giving in to the demands of that reassuring voice. He concentrated on breathing, sucking in air through his lungs, and letting it out slowly.

Frank was so tired. He closed his eyes.

He felt himself being lifted up into someone’s arms, carried up the steps and deposited gently into his bed.

He heard the soft thump of footsteps leaving the bedroom and heading towards the toilet, and the sound of running water following shortly after. Frank curled himself into a smaller ball in the bed, feeling cold and forlorn as he hugged his knees.

The footsteps came back.

“Ray?” Frank asked in a quiet, vulnerable whisper.

“Hmm?” Ray replied as he squeezed out the excess water from the wet towel into a small basin filled with water. He gently wiped the tears away from Frank’s face.

“I know why Gerard didn’t want me now.”

Ray was taken aback by that statement and he nearly dropped the towel in his hands. Then, looking as though he was putting in much effort to school his countenance into a more serene expression, he replied uncertainly.

“What do you mean by that, Frank?

“Gerard. Gerard didn’t want me.”

Ray shook his head, his hair bouncing from side to side.

“No, Frank. Gerard loves – loved you.”

“He didn’t want me at first.” Frank replied listlessly. “He said he wasn’t a good man. That one day I would find out what kind of person he was, and that I would regret it.”

“But I didn’t care. I wanted him then. And he gave in to me.” Frank said as he looked up at Ray helplessly.

“He didn’t want me.” Frank repeated again, fresh tears filling his eyes. Ray could see the raw grief etched in Frank’s face again, and there was nothing left of the smiles that Ray and Bob had painstakingly managed to slowly put back on Frank’s face again in the past few weeks.

Oh Frank.

Ray felt a small lump in his throat. He said nothing as he lifted the fringe off Frank’s face and cleaned his sweaty forehead.

“Gerard was right. Now that I know why he was pushing me away… because of… Lizzie… I… I… regret it.” Frank mumbled and he choked on his tears.

“Don’t say that!” Ray snapped, tossing the towel back into the basin of water. The towel landed with a soft “plop” in the water.

Frank’s eyes widened. It was the first time Ray lost his temper with him.

Ray saw the shock in Frank’s expression and sighed.

“Don’t say that,” Ray repeated, gently this time.

“Why not?”

“You don’t mean it.” Ray said firmly.

“I do.”

Ray shook his head again. “No, you don’t.” He insisted. He saw the denial in Frank’s eyes, and corrected himself.

“Maybe you think you do now. But you don’t. And you never will.”

There was a fire that ignited in Frank’s eyes at Ray’s words and he opened his mouth to speak, but before he could say anything, Ray cut him off.

“Because you love him, Frank. And he loved you. That will never change, no matter what happens. You know that better than I do.”

And the fire in Frank’s hazel eyes died at those words. He turned away from Ray, curling under the covers.

“What should I do now?” He mumbled over and over again. “What should I do now, Lizzie?”

Ray stared helplessly down at the quivering body under the covers.

“Sleep, Frank.”

There was nothing else that Ray could say.

Notes

Rascal Flatts - What Hurts the Most

I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though
Goin' on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away

It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken