Everyday

I wake with a weight on my eyelids. I’m not talking the like over the top false lashes. I feel like I don’t want to move and if my necessary functions such as that of my circulatory and nervous system, I’d be dead.

After laying down for an hour I remember to access a bit. What I see does nothing to lighten the situation: drugs, alcohol, fighting, cutting. You get the picture. I stop accessing and feel the weight return, stronger and heavier than before. I lever her body off the bed and sway with how much I honestly want this to stop, how much something in her or my own mind is telling me to “stop, there’s no fixing this”.

I’d like it if the line between her tendencies and mine wasn’t quite so hazy, maybe even if it were there at all.

I lay back down, not yet able to handle the enormity of the hopelessness, the doubt. I just want this to stop. Even if that means forever. I don’t see my situation changing anytime soon, what with it never changing in my 17 years of servitude and solitude and lovelessness.

There’s no love in Caitlyn's life. I bet she wants it to stop too. I bet all the bad that’s come to her she deserved and that made her give up. There’s this battle in our head and it makes me feel sick… of what I can’t be sure.

No one loves a liar.
When her grandmother was dying she had Caitlyn swear not to ever say a word about it to her parents, but when it got bad, the worst kind of bad, she told. She couldn’t keep anything to herself. She’s useless. Disposable.

No one loves a crybaby.
She always acted like the world was against and as much as there was no one for her, she should have been there for herself. When her best friend Carter fucked her like the worthless slut she is she didn’t say anything. I didn’t say no. I just blubbered like a baby and pushed at him.
Even he left me when he realized she wasn’t even good enough for that.

There it goes again. the hazy line between her thoughts and mine.
Or maybe it’s true. No one’s ever loved me. I know at least that much is true. How could they though? Love me. I’m not real. I don’t have a body or a family or real dreams. How can you dream when you’re never asleep?

I remember the cutting maybe that’s how she gets it to stop for a while, maybe that’s how she’s made it this far. I spot the razors across the room and go to town on her thighs. That seems to be her usual spot. I go numb after a few lines.
I don’t even have time to think, to matter. How can you look into someone’s eyes and see someone else? How could I possibly save this weighted girl?

Frank!

I scramble over to her laptop and log in to the e-mail I made the other day, hoping to high heaven he e-mailed me. I see that he did late last night:

Hey, Chris! XD

I lost your e-mail, but I just found it so yeah. Hi.
I was thinking we could grab a coffee or like pizza. It obviously doesn’t have to be food. I’m just throwing out ideas. Get back to me when you can, ok?

sloppiest of x’s and tightest of o’s,
Frank!
I immediately responded saying coffee is good for Saturday. Set plans for dates in the future and make it to those plans. Having something to look forward to helps, but I’m still considering the tequila bottle on the floor even if just to stave off the awful hangover looming over me.

I go to the bathroom in search of aspirin instead. While rifling through the medicine cabinet, I find a basket of prescription bottles under the sink. I read the labels: Paxil, Modafinil, Tramadol, Parnate, Wellbutrin, Abilify, and Mirtazapine. Each one recorded as refilled between 9 and 3 months ago and each one not missing a single dose.

After accessing for a bit seeing as this stuff is clouded and withered by months of excessive drug use (apparently anything that wasn’t prescribed to her I’m not talking weed), I find that what worked before she stopped taking her meds was a combination of Wellbutrin and Abilify. I take them dry, hopping I read the dosages right.

I binge watch Big Bang Theory for half the day and soon enough I’m actually laughing along with the live studio audience, weigh more or less lifted completely. With the other half, I maybe obsessively? check my e-mail. I fall asleep the promise of coffee in my mind and the hope I did enough for Caitlyn.

Notes

THANKS SO MUCH FOR READING! XD
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Please forgive my absence. I started school recently and it's been a bit harder to adjust than I thought. To add to that, I need A's to be able to go to the frnkiero andthe cellabration concert that's coming through here. Plus, I have Math Analysis and AP Euro this semester.

I'm not tring to whine. I just want you rto understand the struggle and know it's very real. I also kinda want some one else to agree with me and say school sucks right now because I don't want be alone in this. ^_-