The Opposite Of Attraction Is Pushing Away, and We're Definitely Not Doing That
Chapter 15
GERARD
We just drove. I wasn’t exactly sure where I was going, but the roads seemed familiar. I was too focused on the shaky breathing in the seat next to me. I had been there. I had seen those lows. I didn’t want Frank to feel that way; he didn’t deserve to hate himself the way I did.
The smoke from his cigarettes lingered on his clothes and I breathed in the smell of my version of comfort. My eyes darted from the road, to Frank, and back to the road. The ever present shadows on the asphalt looked more like monsters than the outline of trees.
Eventually I pulled into my driveway. I don’t know how we ended up at my house, but we were here and I wasn’t going to admit that I didn’t know what I was doing.
I got out of the car and walked around to open the door for Frank. I’ve always prided myself on my manners. It’s not the most logical thing to be proud of, but I think it’s one of my better qualities and there’s no way I’m letting go of something I actually like about myself. I hold onto those things for dear life because they might just be the one thing that keeps me alive one day.
I grabbed his hand as he got out and led him to my front door. Unlocking the olive colored wood, I guided him inside and to my room. I made eye contact with Mikey as he sat at the dining room table and did his homework. He just stared at Frank, me, and our hands held together as I tugged him along behind me.
It was a bit harder to lead Frank up the narrow staircase, but somehow he managed to get on top of my bed.
“I’m sorry.” He mumbled through the pillow that covered his face.
“What do you have to be sorry for?” I asked him.
He sat up and faced me where I sat on Mikey’s bed.
“I’m sorry I was upset, I’m sorry you found me, I’m sorry you’re wasting your time trying to help me when I know there’s probably a million things you’d much rather be doing, I’m sorry-“
“Frank, do you think you’d be here if I didn’t want you to be?” He seemed to really realize where he was as he looked around the room.
“I’ve never been in your room before.” He commented.
“I know.”
“I’ve never been in your house before.”
“I know.”
“Why now?”
“What do you mean?”
“Why d’you decide to finally bring me here?”
“Because I come here to feel better, I thought it might help you, too.” It seemed obvious now. Pain? My room. Depression? My room. Anxiety? My room. This was where I went to feel safe; this was where I went to escape my problems. It was my answer.
He pushed me over with the force of his hug. If I hadn’t been sitting at an angle, my head would have hit the wall. Nevertheless, I hugged him back and held him there as he shook and his eyes made my shoulder wet.
*****
“Frank,” I shook the figure curled up on the twin sized mattress. His back was pushed against my chest and his head was under my chin, but despite how comfortable I was, I really had to pee. “Frank?” I whispered again, this time hearing a groggy groan in response.
I smiled to myself as the hair on his head stood up at weird angles when he finally lifted his head and sat up as best he could. He looked around the room, trying to figure out where he was. I didn’t blame him. If I woke up in some other person’s house, on a school day no less, I’d be curious, too.
His attention finally reached me. While I can understand being freaked out, screaming and falling off the mattress was a little offensive.
I chuckled as he picked himself back up. He muttered something under his breath, but I still really needed to pee, so I went to go take care of business.
Twenty minutes and one shower later, I walked back into my room with a towel around my waist and water dripping from my hair. Frank was still standing there, just looking. I cleared my throat to alert him of my presence, also noticing that Mikey must have slept downstairs last night.
I grabbed some clothes for myself and some for Frank as well. I wasn’t going to let him wear the same dirty t-shirt as yesterday.
He gave me a questioning look as he examined the button up and skinny jeans. I just shrugged and headed to the bathroom to get dressed. No way was I going to let him see me change.
I emerged with straightened hair and enough hairspray in it to drown a small rodent. I knocked on the bedroom door, listening to make sure I wasn’t about to see him changing, and walked in to grab him and drag him downstairs.
The smell of coffee filled my nose as I saw my younger brother in the kitchen. He gave me a look that said “what the hell?” and left to go get ready in privacy.
Frank and I ate in silence. I wasn’t a morning person, and I guessed Frank wasn’t either. The quiet felt familiar, though. It felt like home. However, not the judgmental quiet that I’d grown so accustomed to receive from my parents. No, it was the quiet that said everything, even though nothing was actually said. The quiet that said “I care” or “I’m here” or “I understand” or even “I love you.”
I love you.
Did I just really think that about Frank?
I remembered Patrick, and the fact that everything about the other day felt wrong. Those words came out of the wrong mouth; that emotion came from the wrong brain. I stared into the wrong eyes.
I looked at Frank. He was looking down for the most part, but I could still make out the honey hazel of his eyes. Patrick’s were too blue, not enough brown or green. Frank’s seemed to be the perfect combination of all three colors. He looked up and stared at my green pupils, a color I never much cared for, and I realized something. These were the right eyes. These were the only eyes that made sense. These were the eyes that I feared I was in love with.
I stood up abruptly, taking my empty cereal bowl to the sink. “Mikes, hurry up.” I called, knowing he heard me despite the silence I received. “Come on, Frank, we’re gonna be late.”
*****
Frank and Mikey ended up talking a lot more than I expected during the ride to school. Mostly about Pete, but I didn’t mind. I enjoyed listening to the way Mikey talked. He seemed so happy, which is something that I didn’t see on him very often. I was glad he had Pete. Sure, I may not have been a huge fan of the guy, but he made my baby brother happy, and that takes either talent or love. For Mikey’s sake, I was hoping for the latter on both ends.
We pulled into my normal parking spot and Mikey rushed out of the car right away. I didn’t know why until I saw him practically tackle Pete into a hug. I let out a soft chuckle as I reached into the backseat to grab my bag. My shirt rose up slightly, revealing a bit of my stomach as I did so. I noticed Frank’s eyes staring at the patch of skin before looking away quickly.
“Hey, Gerard…” Frank said quietly, breaking the silence between us.
“Yeah Frank?” I sat up straight in my seat and looked at him.
“C-can I do something?” His voice was so soft. I had never seen him be so uncharacteristically shy before.
“I suppose?” I answered hesitantly, not really sure what he was planning on doing.
He leaned closer to me. I leaned closer to him.
His hand went to my cheek. My hand went to his shoulder.
His eyes closed. My eyes closed.
*****
“Rick, I have a problem.” I rushed out as I entered the record store. The familiar smell of cigarettes and lavender surrounded me as I was pulled into a hug.
“Sure thing. What’s up, Gee?” His expression screamed concern as he held me by my shoulders, keeping me balanced, but at a distance.
“Y’know how about Patrick?” I couldn’t stop my hands from shaking.
“Yeah?” His words were cautious. His expression was cautious. His hands were cautious.
“Well, he kissed me.” All the blood rushing to my face made me feel like I was going to explode.
“Patrick did?” Rick almost seemed relieved.
“No, that’s the problem.”
We just drove. I wasn’t exactly sure where I was going, but the roads seemed familiar. I was too focused on the shaky breathing in the seat next to me. I had been there. I had seen those lows. I didn’t want Frank to feel that way; he didn’t deserve to hate himself the way I did.
The smoke from his cigarettes lingered on his clothes and I breathed in the smell of my version of comfort. My eyes darted from the road, to Frank, and back to the road. The ever present shadows on the asphalt looked more like monsters than the outline of trees.
Eventually I pulled into my driveway. I don’t know how we ended up at my house, but we were here and I wasn’t going to admit that I didn’t know what I was doing.
I got out of the car and walked around to open the door for Frank. I’ve always prided myself on my manners. It’s not the most logical thing to be proud of, but I think it’s one of my better qualities and there’s no way I’m letting go of something I actually like about myself. I hold onto those things for dear life because they might just be the one thing that keeps me alive one day.
I grabbed his hand as he got out and led him to my front door. Unlocking the olive colored wood, I guided him inside and to my room. I made eye contact with Mikey as he sat at the dining room table and did his homework. He just stared at Frank, me, and our hands held together as I tugged him along behind me.
It was a bit harder to lead Frank up the narrow staircase, but somehow he managed to get on top of my bed.
“I’m sorry.” He mumbled through the pillow that covered his face.
“What do you have to be sorry for?” I asked him.
He sat up and faced me where I sat on Mikey’s bed.
“I’m sorry I was upset, I’m sorry you found me, I’m sorry you’re wasting your time trying to help me when I know there’s probably a million things you’d much rather be doing, I’m sorry-“
“Frank, do you think you’d be here if I didn’t want you to be?” He seemed to really realize where he was as he looked around the room.
“I’ve never been in your room before.” He commented.
“I know.”
“I’ve never been in your house before.”
“I know.”
“Why now?”
“What do you mean?”
“Why d’you decide to finally bring me here?”
“Because I come here to feel better, I thought it might help you, too.” It seemed obvious now. Pain? My room. Depression? My room. Anxiety? My room. This was where I went to feel safe; this was where I went to escape my problems. It was my answer.
He pushed me over with the force of his hug. If I hadn’t been sitting at an angle, my head would have hit the wall. Nevertheless, I hugged him back and held him there as he shook and his eyes made my shoulder wet.
*****
“Frank,” I shook the figure curled up on the twin sized mattress. His back was pushed against my chest and his head was under my chin, but despite how comfortable I was, I really had to pee. “Frank?” I whispered again, this time hearing a groggy groan in response.
I smiled to myself as the hair on his head stood up at weird angles when he finally lifted his head and sat up as best he could. He looked around the room, trying to figure out where he was. I didn’t blame him. If I woke up in some other person’s house, on a school day no less, I’d be curious, too.
His attention finally reached me. While I can understand being freaked out, screaming and falling off the mattress was a little offensive.
I chuckled as he picked himself back up. He muttered something under his breath, but I still really needed to pee, so I went to go take care of business.
Twenty minutes and one shower later, I walked back into my room with a towel around my waist and water dripping from my hair. Frank was still standing there, just looking. I cleared my throat to alert him of my presence, also noticing that Mikey must have slept downstairs last night.
I grabbed some clothes for myself and some for Frank as well. I wasn’t going to let him wear the same dirty t-shirt as yesterday.
He gave me a questioning look as he examined the button up and skinny jeans. I just shrugged and headed to the bathroom to get dressed. No way was I going to let him see me change.
I emerged with straightened hair and enough hairspray in it to drown a small rodent. I knocked on the bedroom door, listening to make sure I wasn’t about to see him changing, and walked in to grab him and drag him downstairs.
The smell of coffee filled my nose as I saw my younger brother in the kitchen. He gave me a look that said “what the hell?” and left to go get ready in privacy.
Frank and I ate in silence. I wasn’t a morning person, and I guessed Frank wasn’t either. The quiet felt familiar, though. It felt like home. However, not the judgmental quiet that I’d grown so accustomed to receive from my parents. No, it was the quiet that said everything, even though nothing was actually said. The quiet that said “I care” or “I’m here” or “I understand” or even “I love you.”
I love you.
Did I just really think that about Frank?
I remembered Patrick, and the fact that everything about the other day felt wrong. Those words came out of the wrong mouth; that emotion came from the wrong brain. I stared into the wrong eyes.
I looked at Frank. He was looking down for the most part, but I could still make out the honey hazel of his eyes. Patrick’s were too blue, not enough brown or green. Frank’s seemed to be the perfect combination of all three colors. He looked up and stared at my green pupils, a color I never much cared for, and I realized something. These were the right eyes. These were the only eyes that made sense. These were the eyes that I feared I was in love with.
I stood up abruptly, taking my empty cereal bowl to the sink. “Mikes, hurry up.” I called, knowing he heard me despite the silence I received. “Come on, Frank, we’re gonna be late.”
*****
Frank and Mikey ended up talking a lot more than I expected during the ride to school. Mostly about Pete, but I didn’t mind. I enjoyed listening to the way Mikey talked. He seemed so happy, which is something that I didn’t see on him very often. I was glad he had Pete. Sure, I may not have been a huge fan of the guy, but he made my baby brother happy, and that takes either talent or love. For Mikey’s sake, I was hoping for the latter on both ends.
We pulled into my normal parking spot and Mikey rushed out of the car right away. I didn’t know why until I saw him practically tackle Pete into a hug. I let out a soft chuckle as I reached into the backseat to grab my bag. My shirt rose up slightly, revealing a bit of my stomach as I did so. I noticed Frank’s eyes staring at the patch of skin before looking away quickly.
“Hey, Gerard…” Frank said quietly, breaking the silence between us.
“Yeah Frank?” I sat up straight in my seat and looked at him.
“C-can I do something?” His voice was so soft. I had never seen him be so uncharacteristically shy before.
“I suppose?” I answered hesitantly, not really sure what he was planning on doing.
He leaned closer to me. I leaned closer to him.
His hand went to my cheek. My hand went to his shoulder.
His eyes closed. My eyes closed.
*****
“Rick, I have a problem.” I rushed out as I entered the record store. The familiar smell of cigarettes and lavender surrounded me as I was pulled into a hug.
“Sure thing. What’s up, Gee?” His expression screamed concern as he held me by my shoulders, keeping me balanced, but at a distance.
“Y’know how about Patrick?” I couldn’t stop my hands from shaking.
“Yeah?” His words were cautious. His expression was cautious. His hands were cautious.
“Well, he kissed me.” All the blood rushing to my face made me feel like I was going to explode.
“Patrick did?” Rick almost seemed relieved.
“No, that’s the problem.”
Notes
Wow, okay. I guess I finished the chapter earlier than anticipated. Sorry it's a little short, but I feel it was best to leave off where I did. Sorry if the tone changed, too. I switched meds in the middle of writing this, so my emotions were very different. That, and I finally worked up the courage to kiss my girlfriend, so that made me pretty happy and mildly influenced this chapter. Also, school is out tomorrow, so there'll be more time for us to write, and y'all might be able to hear from my co-author again. And, due to safety concerns, I had to delete all the accounts tied to my last account on here. So if my username seems different, that's why.
But, enough about me. How are you guys? What did you think of the chapter? What have y'all been doing since the last update? Let me know! I'd love to get to know you guys! I'll see you in the comments.
Stay Alive, Sunshine
-Blubxll
I miss this story :( Are you okay?
9/20/16