FRANK

I sighed as my alarm screamed at me to get up. I didn’t feel like being an active member of society today. I just wanted to sleep.

My bed groaned at my weight as I sat up, almost as if begging me to stay a little longer. I looked around the dark room and felt discontent with the gray hues caused by the light of early morning peeking through the gap in my dark curtains.

I finally pulled myself out of bed and shuffled to the bathroom, grabbing some clothes on the way there.

Everything felt so dreary and dull. I couldn’t quite place what was wrong, but I knew something was.

I sighed again, trudged down the stairs, and made my way out the door without bothering to grab breakfast. I stopped and looked down at my phone to choose a band to listen to, glancing at the time as I did so. It was only 7:20. I had at least thirty minutes.

I took my time getting to school today, but I still had a lot of time before I had to go to class. I was at a loss for what to do because Patrick and Pete weren’t here yet, or at least I couldn’t find them, and Mr. Hatcher’s room wasn’t open yet.

I sighed and headed to the band room. I thought I might as well make use of the extra time and get some practice in.

I ran through what happened yesterday as I got out my sax.

I can’t believe Patrick actually asked him out.

I sighed for what felt like the millionth time that morning. Another sigh, a more pleasured one, echoed me. It wasn’t unusual for people to make out in the practice rooms. It was, however, unusual to see Pete Wentz making out with someone in one of the practice rooms.

The question was, though, who was he making out with?

“Mikey…” He moaned.

Well that answered that question.

I banged on the door, making one of them squeak.

“I need to practice.” I said loud enough for them to hear me.

“Whatever asshole.” Pete winked at me as he opened the door and dragged a very red Mikey Way behind him by his hand.

I looked at their hands and then back at Pete as if to ask when the hell did this happen?

“The room’s all yours.” He said, giving me a look that I knew meant he was going to tell me all about it the first chance he got.

I rolled my eyes and ran through a couple of the songs our class was working on.

*****

I made it to class a few minutes before the bell rang and saw Gerard drawing at his seat with his ridiculously adorable bright red hair covering his face just slightly. It didn’t cover his face as much as it used to, the previously black strands would reach down to his jaw, but the now red strands only made it to his cheek bones.

It made him look tanner, I realized. He was still very pale, of course, but it wasn’t quite as noticeable. I guess I wasn’t one to talk, though. My pale complexion was more than noticeable behind my shoulder length black hair. I guess black just makes everyone look pale.

I sat down and quietly hummed the song I had just been playing to myself. You know you’re a band geek when you get Bisbee Hill stuck in your head.

Gerard looked up at me and I stopped humming, not wanting to annoy him for once.
“Why’d you stop?” He asked quietly. I shrugged in response. He gave a small disappointed frown and turned back to his sketchbook, closing it and putting it away.

“Alright, class.” Mr. Hatcher started. “We’ll be starting up a new unit soon, so if you haven’t already made after school plans with your partner, you should do that today.”

Shit.

Gerard and I looked at each other, a mix of disgust, anger, and perhaps fear was evident on his face and I’m pretty sure I mirrored him.

“Um, well, I know this coffee shop a few blocks from here, we could go there after -school, I guess.” I half-halfheartedly suggested, not really wanting to have to spend any more time with him than I already do.

“Yeah, that’ll be fine. Or you could come over to my house; it’d be quieter there.” Ew, no. There was no way I was going to go to Gerard’s house. Just the two of us in a private space, anything could happen, and that’s not necessarily a good thing.

“Um, I think a public setting would be better.” I told him honestly.

“What? Do you not trust me or something?” He smirked. I wasn’t sure if he was joking or if he was actually offended, but I ignored him either way.

*****

We met up at Kenny’s Deli & Café after school. It was a place where Patrick, Pete, and I would sometimes hang out and do our homework. It was always cool to look through the windows of the tattoo parlor next door, too, and daydream about all the ones I would eventually get.
The smells of sautéed onions and roasted peppers filled my nose as I walked into the small, homey restaurant. Arianna walked out from the back as I entered and greeted me warmly. It is a small place, but I’ve come here so many times over the last couple of years that’d be hard not to recognize me.

“Hey Frank, is it just you today?” She asked as we walked over to the counter lining one of the walls.

“I’m actually meeting somebody here.” I answered as we both sat down. I gave her a questioning look before realizing she was the only other person in the place.

“Ooh, is it a girl? Are you finally dating someone?” She teased. Arianna was like the older sister I never wished I had.

“No, quite the opposite, actually.” I laughed.

“Oh, I see.” She winked. “Not a girl. I get it.”

I simply rolled my eyes.

“Alright, well, y’know the rules. Can’t stay if you don’t order something.” She pulled out her pad and a pen to take my order.

“You’re just trying to come up with an excuse to take my money.” I teased. “Luckily for you, I can’t resist the sweet call of champús. And I’ll get some mote to snack on.”

“Alright, I’ll go let Christian know.” She said as she headed back to the kitchen and yelled something at her brother in Spanish.

Gerard walked in shortly after, looking very out of place and uncomfortable.

“Hey.” He said as he sat down next to me.

“Hey.” I responded.

The awkward tension filled the room and was so thick that I thought I might choke. Luckily, Arianna walked into the dining area, looked at the two of us, gave me a sly wink which immediately made my face heat up, and set down my drink and a plate of the corn kernels, the just barely noticeable lime scent making me smile.

“Do you want anything, Cariño?” She asked Gerard.

“Just water, please.”

“Sure thing, Hermoso.” She said as she walked off.

“These are for us to share.” I said as I slid the mote between the two of us.

“Oh, uh, thanks. Wh-what are they?” He asked innocently.

“It’s mote. Basically it’s corn kernels boiled in a mix of water and lime and lightly seasoned. They’re really good.” I explained, popping one into my mouth.

“Okay.” Gerard seemed content with my explanation and timidly put one in his mouth. I could tell the flavor surprised him at first, but he eventually settled into it and ate a couple more.

We work on the project a bit, but mostly just goofed off.

It was a few hours later when we finally decided to leave.

“I’m not gonna lie, I didn’t have a horrible time.” Gerard said as I gave Arianna a tip.

“Well I’m glad.” I replied. “I’ll see ya tomorrow.”

“Well, let me at least walk you to your car. I may not like you, but I’m still a gentleman.” He offered.

“That’d be quite the walk, ‘cause my car’s at my house.” I joked.

“Wait, you were gonna walk home?” He asked and I nodded in response. “No no no, that won’t do. Come on, let me drive you home.”

“Please, Gerard, that’s not-“

“I insist.” He cut me off. His green eyes staring holes into mine.

This wasn’t the first time he’d stared at me like that.

”Please,” He said. His stringy black hair framed his slightly chubby face made me wonder just how often he washed his hair, or if it always looked like that. “Please don’t leave me.”

“Gerard, I-I have to go.” When it came out that Gerard Way was gay, my mother stopped wanting me to hang out with him. It hurt because he was my closest friend at the time, but I was still an obedient sixth grader and what my mother said was law.

“Fine, Frank. Leave. Just leave me.” The way my name usually sounded on his lips made my heart skip a beat, but now he said it full of venom and pure hatred. I would have given anything not to have my name be Frank right then. “Leave just like everybody else. I thought you were different, but I guess I was wrong. You’re just like everybody else, Frank. A homophobic coward. I hate you.”

Those words stung. I didn’t even know what homophobic meant, but I knew it was bad and that I had hurt him. His green eyes that used to be so soft and gentle grew hard and angry. I had hurt him, and now my best friend hated me. I wanted to apologize, I wanted to make it up to him, but he had walked away, hanging his head and breaking my heart.

“Do you remember?” I asked him softly. “Sixth grade?”

I through him off guard. He looked like he was about to cry which made me want to kill myself. I didn’t want to hurt him, not like that.

“Yeah, of course I do, Frank.” He spoke softly. “And believe me, I wish I didn’t.”

The sincerity in his words made me feel like absolute shit. I was his friend, and I abandoned him.

“Come on, let me drive you home.” He took my hand in his and walked me back to his car. I was too stunned to say anything as he opened the passenger door for me, closed it once I got in, and ran around and in the driver’s side.

“I’m sorry.” I said, barely audible.

“I forgive you.” He said, matching my tone.

*****

“Dude, he’s so cute!” Pete was ranting about Mikey again at the lunch table. I was happy for him but I just couldn’t focus. Not after last night.

"Thank you,” He said. “For meeting me tonight.”

We were on my door step, but I wasn’t sure how. It seemed like we had just gotten in the car and everything was over way too soon.

“Of course.” I said. We were close. I could feel his breath and I never wanted to be any further from him ever again.

He leaned closer to me and I surprised myself by not leaning back. Our noses touched and-

“Frank, are you listening?” Pete broke my train of thought.

“I-what? Yeah, totally.” I stuttered.

“No you weren’t. Is everything okay?” Patrick asked me. Oh god, Patrick.

“I-I don’t know.” I got up and walked toward the library.

I can’t believe I forgot about Patrick. I was centimeters away from kissing his boyfriend! On the day he asked Gerard out, too! I felt terrible. What kind of a friend was I? I knew Patrick had asked Gerard out on a date, and I knew Gerard had said yes, Patrick didn’t stop talking about it at lunch yesterday. And yet, there I was, almost kissing my best friend’s boyfriend on my front porch.

I wanted to die.

I wasn’t watching where I was going, which was a huge mistake. As I was looking at the ground and obsessing over my self-hatred, I ran right into the one and only, Gerard Way.

“We have to stop meeting like this.” He joked once he recovered from the impact.

“Yeah.” I mumbled and dusted myself off, continuing towards the library.

I haven’t cut in a long time. It’s been a little over a year since the last time. I’m not gonna say I didn’t want to, that would be a huge lie, but I was able to control my urges and stay clean. Now? I’m not so sure that I can.

I just wanted a distraction. Something to take my mind off all the terrible things that I’ve done and all the ways I’ve fucked up recently.

“Hey,” I felt someone grab my arm. “Are you okay?”

I just shrugged and turned around, staring into those green eyes of his.

“Frank, come on. Talk to me.” He worried.

“Why should I, Gerard?” I said more harshly than I anticipated.

“Because I care about you, Frank. I want to make sure you’re alright.” He answered earnestly.

“Oh really? Since when did you start caring about me?” I started to raise my voice.

“Frank, calm down. You’re causing a scene.”

“Oh! I see! You care about me only because you don’t want me to cause a scene! Is that it?” I was yelling. I couldn’t help it.

“Frank-“

“Stop that! Stop saying my name!”

“I’m sorry?” He questioned.

“Yeah, you should be.” I said before storming off.

I don’t know where I was going, but I needed to get out of here.

*****

I ended up by the record shop Pete took us to last Thursday. Had it really only been five days ago? It felt like an eternity.

I had taken a box of cigarettes with me that I had stashed in my backpack for times like this. I had sat on the ground, my back against the store, in the small alleyway that separated ‘Rick’s Records’ from the clothing store in front of me.

I had chain smoked three of my seven ‘cancer sticks’, as my mother likes to call them, by the time anyone came. It was a beat up, black Honda Civic. The same one that drove me home last night.

I put my hood up and hoped he just thought I was another drifter. There were enough in this city that it wouldn’t be uncommon.

“Frank?” Shit. “Frank, what are you doing?”

Gerard approached me as I stood up and dusted myself off.

“Hey, are you okay?” He asked me.

“What does it matter?” I responded.

“Hold on a sec.” He said before running into the record store.

That’s just like him, though. Abandoning me when things get too hard.

At least, that’s what I thought he was doing. He surprised me by coming back out, grabbing my hand, and leading me to his car. He opened the passenger door, just like last night, but this time I didn’t get in. I just stared at him.

“Why?” I croaked, trying to hold back a sudden wave of tears. Gerard stopped holding the door and held me instead. I started sobbing into the soft fabric of his shirt, not caring anymore. I didn’t care that I was crying in public, I didn’t care that I was being hugged by another boy, and I didn’t care that the boy was the one person I hated more than anything. Right now, I wasn’t even sure that I hated him anymore.

His hands moved up and down my back and he whispered words of comfort against my hair.

Somehow we ended up in his car, driving to who knows where, and relishing in the silence.

Notes

So, uh, hi.

It's been a while, hasn't it? I'm really sorry about that. I've been struggling lately, but I've gone back to therapy and started a new anti-anxiety medication, so hopefully that helps. Well, that and I'm now dating the girl of my dreams, so that's really made me happy. Although, I'm not sure if that's apparent in the chapter.
Anyways, I was a total doof and, well, deleted my Tumblr. All of it. A year's worth of work. Deleted. I'm still bitter. BUT! I was able to completely restart and so, if you'd fancy, I'd love for you to go follow Gee's Tumblr: http://notawhitegirl-justagayguy.tumblr.com/
My Tumblr: http://blubxll.tumblr.com/
Or my personal: http://my-name-is-blue.tumblr.com/

Thank you so much for reading, and I'll see you next time.

Stay Alive, Sunshine
-Bluebell