GERARD

“He’s really attractive, I can’t deny that, but it’s Gerard. I can’t be crushing on Gerard.” His words echoed through my ears as I ran out to my car. Frank? Crush? Me? Those words did not belong together.

I got in the car, barely breathing. It felt like my throat and lungs were teaming up and trying to suffocate me, I just couldn’t get enough air. Anxiety attack my brain told me. You’re having an anxiety attack.

I struggled, clawing at my throat, my shirt, my jacket. It was too hot. My clothes needed to be off. I tore off my jacket with no relief.

I remembered the last time I had one of these.

It was the beginning of my freshman year. I was nervous, everyone was, but I wasn’t handling it well. My summer break had been full of anxiety attacks, dotted with a panic attack here and there. Every single time I ended up crying into my pillow case, trying to muffle my sobs, and hoping that I’d suffocate in the process.

This final time had been the night before the first day of school. I had stowed away in Mikey’s and my bedroom all day, as per usual back then.

I wasn’t breathing, I wasn’t thinking. I just grabbed the razor blade I had hidden in a box under my bed.

I lifted up my shirt and dragged the sharp edge across my stomach in short horizontal lines. I smiled and began to relax. The crimson rose above my skin and the pain was such a sweet relief. I laid back and looked up at the ceiling with my shirt still up to my chest and the blade still in my hand. I took deep breaths, focusing on nothing but the stinging sensation coming from my too thick abdomen.

“G-gerard?” A small voice called out my name. I shot up and stared at my little brother as my shirt fell back down. “What-what are you doing?”

What was I doing? I was easing pain by creating pain. I was hurting on the inside so I hurt myself on the outside. I wanted to have as many physical scars as I had mental scars.

“Mikey-

“Lift up your shirt Gerard.” His large green eyes hardened. His voice went stern. I had never seen someone age so fast. Just a minute ago, he was eleven. Now he seemed too wise, too tired, to be anything even remotely close to eleven. He grew up too fast. My baby brother had to be a grown up because I couldn’t.

“Mikey you’re not gonna like it.”

“I don’t care. Show me.” I slowly lifted my shirt to reveal my scarred stomach with fresh, bleeding cuts still hurting.

Mikey just left. He turned around and left.

“M-mikey?”

Did he not care? Was he too disgusted with me to stay?

“Mikey?”

Tears were starting to form in the corners of my eyes.

“Mikey…” The blade fell from my hand.

He had come back with a box of large Band-Aids. He walked and sat down on the bed next to me.

“Wh-what’re you doing?”

“You’re hurt.” He replied simply and put the first one over two cuts that were close to each other.

“I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have to be doing this.”

“Well, it didn’t look like you were going to.”

He finished putting Band-Aids over all the cuts and discarded the box.

I hugged him and started crying. “I’m so sorry.”

“Why?” He asked. “Why’d you do it?”

“I-I don’t know.”

“Bull.”

“I just, I was hurting so bad, Mikes. I didn’t know what to do.”

“Just, please don’t do it again.”

“I promise I won’t if you promise me that no matter how much you hurt, you’ll never start-” I choked on my words. I couldn’t say it. The thought of my little brother being in this much pain was too much.

“Deal.” He didn’t need me to finish the sentence. He knew what I was going to say and that broke my heart. He knew about this kind of pain. My sweet, innocent brother knew how badly life can make a person hurt.

The memory calmed me down enough to let me start driving home.

I walked into the house. My parents didn’t even look up as I walked through the living room and up the stairs to our bedroom. I knocked on our door.

“I’m not hungry.” Came Mikey’s watery reply. Something my parents would have just ignored. I, however, knew he was crying.

I opened the door.

He was sitting on his bed, carving words into his legs, tears streaming down his cheeks. He looked up. His large green eyes suddenly looked so hurt, so broken. I never realized how much pain those eyes held until now.

“Get out.” He growled.

“Mikey, I-“

“I said get the fuck out, Gerard!” I did as he asked.

Panic gripped at my throat as I headed down the hall. I stumbled into the bathroom and tore apart the drawers.

I grabbed what I needed and headed back.

I walked through the still-open door way and sat down next to him on the bed, gently taking the blade out of his hand and setting it on the nightstand.

I put the Band-Aids on his legs over the words that he had drawn. “Love is a lie,” said his left leg. The beginning of the word “forever” was on his right. I pretended not to notice the other faded scars that littered about his legs.

“Is this about Ray?” I asked quietly.

“No.”

“I’m taking that as a yes.”

“Well, you’re wrong.” He sounded so tired, as if he’s had this conversation hundreds of times already.

“Oh?” I prompted.

“You know my life story. I don’t need to share it with you.” He was sounding angry again.

“I’m sorry.”

“Sorry, sorry. Everyone’s fucking sorry.” I tried not to seem hurt by his words.

“We promised.” I looked into eyes, searching for any sign of guilt.

“I know. But so did he and look where that ended up.” I was met by endless amounts of regret.

“Mikey-“

“Promises don’t get kept, Gerard! I’m not eleven anymore. I know a few things about how the world works, and it’s not fucking pretty. Everyone’s corrupt in some way. You’re a fake, Ray breaks promises, Hayley can’t keep a secret, and I-I’m just an all-around fuck up.” To hear him thinking like that hurt more than anything I had heard before.

“Mikey, don’t say that.”

“It’s true everyone knows it. Why’d you even bother to patch me up? I’ll probably be dead soon anyways.”

“Mikey-“

“Don’t lie.”

“Fine. I love you.”

“I told you not to lie.”

“I’m not.”

“No one can love me Gerard. I can’t even love myself.” I hugged him. I didn’t know what else to do.

He pushed me off.

“A hug’s not gonna fix anything Gerard. Just leave me alone to rot.”

“There’s no way I’m going to leave you alone.” I put my hand on his knee.

“Then where were you when I needed you? Where were you when I was scared about going into middle school and had no idea what to expect? Where were you when I had no idea who I was or who I was attracted to? Where were you when I was getting beat up for being the only openly gay kid in the school? Where were you?” I was speechless. “I’ll tell you where. You were in your self-absorbed head with people you don’t really care about that you call your friends. I’ve grown up, Gerard. I’ve learned that nobody’s gonna be there for me and I’ve adapted.”

“Mikey, I’m so sorry.”

“Stop apologizing. It’s annoying.”

“Please, Mikes. What can I do to fix this?”

“The damage is already done Gerard. I can’t be fixed.”

“Bull.” We sat there in silence, Mikey with tears escaping from his eyes and me with my hand drawing circles with my thumb on his knee, when I got an idea. “Mikey, what’s your favorite thing to do?”

“I dunno. Why?”

“Just answer the question.”

“Um, play bass I guess.”

“Okay. Put on your pants and meet me in the basement.” I made sure to grab his razor blade before running down into our basement and setting up.

“Alright. What’re you so excited about?” Mikey asked when he reached the bottom of the stairs.

“Give me a second!” I responded before turning around and facing my little brother. “Okay. So you know how I draw a lot?”

“Yeah.”

“Well. It’s kinda the same thing. If you play bass whenever you want to, y’know, then eventually you’ll either become the world’s most practiced bass player, or the urge will practically disappear.” I said and handed him his bass guitar. “You could even form a band and write your own bass lines. I know some people, I could hook you up.”

“Um, okay.” He said and strummed a few chords.

Mikey practiced his bass into the early hours of the morning and I was right by his side helping him come up with different sounds. By two a.m., we just ended up talking about music and high school and cute boys.

“Hey, I never asked, how’d things go with Frank after I texted him that one time?”

I looked at him for a moment. I had almost forgotten.

“Oh, just peachy.” I said as I wrapped my arms around his neck.

“Gee, you’re kinda choking me.”

“That’s the point asshole.” I let go before I could cause any real damage, but Mikey did end up coughing a bit. I was concerned until he started laughing.

“You gotta admit, you kinda deserved it.”

“Whatever.” I jokingly rolled my eyes.

We ended up falling asleep in our basement that night.

*****

I had spent a whole bunch of time at the record store with Rick over the weekend. We talked a lot and just overall enjoyed each other’s company when we weren’t dealing with customers. He talked to me about how I’m doing in class and college plans and life choices. He was pretty much the father figure I wish my dad would be.

“Now what about a special someone? Are there any cute girls at your school?” It had been a while since I had been asked that question. Everyone understood I was gay, and all the people that really mattered were fine with it, the others I just cut out of my life. But I guess the tpic had never come across while talking with Rick.

“Yeah, there are plenty of cute girls, but I’m more interested in the cute boys.” I shrugged.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. There’s this one guy who I think has a crush on me, but we’ve always hated each other, so I’m not quite sure what to think about it.”

“Well, do you like him in that way?”

“Honestly? I don’t know.”

*****

Monday came around and I surprised myself by not being too worried about it. I jumped out of bed with more energy than I’d had in days. I went through the daily routine of getting dressed, waking Mikey up, almost being hit in my sensitive place, and downing way too much coffee.

After looking at myself in the mirror and reassuring myself that, yes, I do look good with red hair, and yes, this shirt looks fine with my new hair color, I headed outside and got in the car to drive Mikey to school.

“Shit.” I heard him mumble under his breath.

“What?” I turned to him.

“Nothing. Never mind.”

“When you say nothing’s wrong, something’s wrong.” I retorted.

“It’s just, what am I going to do about Ray?” His voice was full of worry and my heart went out to him.

“Nothing. Show him you’re over it. That you’re too good to even give him a second glance.” I had only had a few relationships before, and I had always been the one to break up with the other person.

“But, what if I’m not over him?” Of course, how could he be? It’s only been a few days after all.

“Fake it till you make it.”

“Hey Gee?” He changed the topic.

“Yeah?”

“Mind if I hang out with you before class?”

“I guess you can.”

We arrived at the school and Mikey stuck close by me. I chatted with a few acquaintances and introduced Mikey to a few people.

“What about him? What did you say his name was?” Mikey nodded over to a guy.

“Pete?” What interest could Mikey possibly have with someone like him? “What about him?”

“He’s cute, isn’t he?” I choked.

“Pete? Cute? I-“ That’s when Fedora Guy approached him and I stopped in my tracks because damn was Fedora Guy cute.

“Oh.” Mikey smirked as he realized why I stopped. “You think the guy in the fedora’s cute, don’t you? What’s his name?”

“I don’t know.”

“We’re gonna go say hi.” Mikey grabbed my hand and led me over there.

“But-“ I couldn’t talk to them! They were Frank’s friends!

“Hi, I’m Mikey, and I’m sure you know my brother, Gerard.” Mikey introduced himself to the pair. It surprised me how outgoing Mikey could be.

“Um, hi?” The Fedora Guy answered as Pete was too flustered to speak by Mikey’s sudden appearance behind him.

“I don’t know your guys’ names and Gerard’s too stubborn to tell me.”

“Well, I’m Patrick, and this dork is Pete.” Fedora Guy, Patrick, replied.

“Nice to meet you.” Mikey giggled. Was he flirting? Already?

Patrick and I caught each other’s eye and he started blushing. Damn he’s cute when he blushes.

“I’m Pete.” Pete finally blurted pout. “Fuck. No. Fuck.” Pete realized he was a bit too late in the conversation and became bright red as he ran away in embarrassment through the crowd of people cluttering the hallway.

“I’m sorry.” Patrick apologized before running after him.

“Wow, you sure know how to pick ‘em, huh Mikey?” I teased.

“Shut up. That was cute.”

“That was embarrassing, even for me.”

“Whatever, don’t be an asshole. He was just, nervous.”

“Sure thing.” The first bell rung then and Mikey gave me a quick hug goodbye before running off to class.

*****

Science class was… interesting, to say the least.

I came in a bit before the second bell to work on a sketch before class. I noticed Frank come in a minute before the second bell finally rang and I was surprised to see him in class so early.

“Nice hair.” He complemented me as he sat down. I thanked him and I could feel a blush creeping up my neck. Why was I blushing? It was just /Frank/.

Despite that, I was very engrossed in my sketchbook. I was definitely too busy drawing to notice the way his hair curled slightly at the bottom, or how his calloused hands folded over each other as he read what Mr. Hatcher had written on the white board.

I looked at him through my slightly too-short hair. His shirt collar was off center, allowing me to see a bit of his pale shoulder. I looked up at his face to see he was looking back at me.

"Um..." Oh no. He thinks I’m weird now. What was I doing? Staring at him like a creep.

"Hm?" I prompted him to take the attention off me.

"I was thinking the other day, about attraction, and, uh, faces. I actually started out thinking about faces which led me to think about attraction, and, well, not that that usually follows thinking about that sort of thing. It's not like I'm attracted to any faces in here, especially not... your face..." He started rambling. It was actually kind of cute. He started grinning before he continued. "And, I mean, it's just so weird. Faces and attraction. I mean, you just pick a face and you decide you like it and some people like more faces than other people do, and some people like faces that other people don't like, and some faces are just universally accepted, and some are universally hated. Some people's faces are so nice, everybody agrees on the fact that it's a nice face. Isn't that crazy? Tell me it's crazy."

"You're crazy.” I responded with a slight smile.

"And then there's people like me, with boring and unattractive faces, and it's like, why. Why am I being put down because of my unattractive face and that other person isn't because they have a better face than me?" My heart caved in on itself when he said that. How could he not think he was attractive?

"I don't think you have an unattractive face." Those were some of the most sincere words to ever leave my mouth.

"Ok, well, I don't think you have an unattractive face either. As a matter of fact, your face is quite attractive." Oh. He thinks I’m cute? No, he was lying. Right?

"Well then, it seems like we have come to an agreement, for once. We are attractive people.” I said to humor him. I could feel the heating in my face rising, but it did nothing but embarrass me more and cause me to blush even harder.

We talked a bit more and worked on our project until the bell rang. I left class with a smile on my face for once and there was no way anyone could bring me down.

*****

“Your hair!” Ryan gasped as Hayley and I sat down at our table during lunch. “It’s red!”

“That’s what happens when you put hair dye in, Ry.” I teased.

“It looks nice.” Andy piped up.

“Unlike that beard you’re trying to grow.” Hayley joked.

“Whatever. I look cool.”

“Whatever you say, Andy.” Hayley replied.

“Oh! Did you guys see the new Sherlock trailer?” Ryan interjected.

“There was a new Sherlock trailer?” Hayley and I asked in unison.

“Yeah. Looks like the new season’s coming before 2030!” Andy added.

“Hey Gerard,” Hayley said while she was turned around. “Isn’t that Mikey?”

I turned around and saw Mikey talking with Pete, Patrick, and Frank a few tables away.

“Yes. Yes it is.” I replied.

“This isn’t his lunch hour. What’s he doing here?” Ryan asked me.

“I don’t know, but I’m about to find out.” I stood up and walked over to my brother. “Mikey! What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be in class?” I feigned surprise.

“Oh, well I had to go to the library to pick up a few books before my next class and I thought I’d come say hi.” Mikey answered as he turned to look at me.

“Oh, well, ‘hi’. I don’t know if you noticed, but I kinda don’t sit at this table.” I sassed.

“I didn’t say I was saying hi to you.” He sassed back.

“Cold man.” I heard Pete say. I gave him a death glare and he shrank back a bit.

“Well I guess you should be getting to class, Mikey.” I prompted.

“But-“

“You should be getting to class, Mikey.” I repeated.

“Fine.” Mikey sighed. He turned back on me. “Sorry guys, gotta be leaving.”

“See ya, Mikey.” Pete said as a farewell for all the guys at the table.

Mikey walked off to class as I walked back to my friends.

“So?” Andy asked.

“He was flirting with Pete before his next class.” I answered.

Hayley choked. “Mikey? Pete? Flirting? And so soon after-“

“Yeah I know. I don’t like it.” I replied and Hayley shuttered.

“Hayley’s step-brother Pete? Frank Iero’s Pete?” Ryan asked.

“Unfortunately.” I sighed. “Hayley, don’t take this the wrong way, but I am not letting my brother date yours.”

“What? Is my step-brother not good enough for you?” She joked.

“Oh hell no. No one in your family is.” I teased back.

“Rude.”

“Rude is my middle name.”

“I thought it was Arthur.” Andy said.

“Nope. I legally changed it to Rude.”

“Gerard Rude Way sounds stupid.” Andy laughed.

“It’s better than Arthur.” Hayley retorted.

“Anything’s better than Arthur.” Ryan added.

“You’re just jealous ‘cause I have an awesome name you guys don’t.”

“Keep dreaming.” Ryan snorted.

“Um…” I voice said from behind me. Ryan and Andy looked up and their disgusted looks told me exactly who was behind me.

I sighed and faced him.

“Patrick?”

Notes

I'M SO SORRY! This is the longest chapter so far, so I hope that makes up for my absence. I was just in a really bad place for a while, but I'm better now and we have a new chapter as a result.
Over the last ten days, I've also been uploading this fic to AO3. My username is Bluebxll if you're interested in reading it there.
Please, please, please comment, subscribe, and rate! Your support is what keeps us writing. Hopefully we'll see you again soon.

Stay Alive, Sunshine
-Bluebell