This Never Meant Nothin' To Ya'

I'm shaken awake by Mikey. I groggily look up at him and shove my face back into my pillow with a groan. I had hardly gotten any sleep.
"What time is it Mikey?" I say.
"Its 9 o'clock Frank, you should get up if you want breakfast." I shake my head with my face still buried in my pillow. "Okay fine but Gerard made pancakes." It catches my attention that Gerard made my favorite breakfast the morning after I caught him cutting and 2 days after i discovered him drinking again. Well, you know what? Fuck you Gerard. I'm not ready to forgive you yet.
"I'll eat later Mikey! Please just let me sleep!"
"Alright, I'll wake you up again later." He leaves as I drift off to sleep again.

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"Is something wrong Frankie? You never sleep this late." Ray asks as I drag myself into the main room of our tour bus. I shake my head and go for the coffee pot. "Don't give me that Frank. I know when something is wrong with my friends." Mikey is looking at me too. I notice that Bob and Gerard aren't here.
"Where did Gerard and Bob go?" I ask, trying to change the subject. I know that as soon as they start prying for information on why I'm so tired and why I'm so sad right now, I'll just break down into tears again.
"Bob is out talking to Brian and Gerard is out with LynZ." He sets his coffee mug down. "but don't change the subject Frank. What's wrong?"
"There's nothing wrong with me." I say, panic rising in my chest.
"Don't think we haven't noticed you moping around and not being able to sleep." he says in a threatening tone. "Now spill before I sit on you and hold you down until you talk." I know he would. Ray would do anything to help a friend, even if it looks more like torture than help. I sigh and put my head down on the table. Looks like I'm going to have to do this.
"Ray... I really just... I don't know. I just don't know if I want people to know." I say, I know that isn't good enough for them. What if they tell Gerard what I say?
"It's okay Frank. Whatever it is, we love you. You can tell us. We want to help." Mikey says at my side. I take a shuttering breath.
"I know but... you really can't help. The only person that could help is Gerard."
"Well lets get Gerard then." Ray says.
"No!" My head shoots up. "He can't know!" I slowly put my head down again.
"Frank, You're really confusing us now. If Gerard is the only one that can help, why can't he know. And I don't know why it has to be Gerard either. We're all friends here." He pauses and it seems to dawn on him. "Wait, it's about him isn't it?" I sigh and nod.
"Well, is it something he did?" Mikey asks. I'm really nervous having Mikey here because he and Gee and brothers and best friends.
"It's two things he did... and one thing he's going to do." I say with my head still buried in my arms.
"What did he do Frank?" Ray asks again.
"Do you remember two days ago when you guys went into town and me and Gee stayed here to watch a movie?" They both nod. "Well, I promised him I wouldn't tell, but while he was in the bathroom, I took a drink of his water bottle and, it wasn't water. He was drinking vodka." They both gasp.
"What?! Why would he do that?!"
"I don't know. But he promised he wouldn't do it again." I lie, of course I know why he did it but I just don't have the energy to explain it. They relax a little bit.
"Well, he is an alcoholic. I've heard that it's normal to relapse. I guess we just have to watch him." Mikey says. He's kind of sensitive to this because he's had problems before too. Another reason why I was nervous to have him here.
"Okay, you said there was two things he's done?"
"Yeah, the other one was last night at about 3:30 in the morning. That's why I'm so tired. I caught him. I saw a light under the bathroom door and i got a really bad feeling and I decided that I better check on him so I opened the door and found him doing something I had hoped he would never do again. He- he was cutting!" It takes a lot of strength to say the last sentence. I feel Mikey tense up at my side and I hear a sharp intake of breath come from Ray. He groans.
"There really is something wrong with him then." Ray says shaking his head. "Has he talked to you Frank?"
"Yeah, it was like 3 days ago though. He's depressed again and, and he said that he's been having a hard time staying sober and staying off the pills and drugs."
"I wonder why he's depressed?" Mikey wondered.
"Do you need a reason to depressed? I just wish he would talk to us or LynZ or somebody." Ray laid emphasis on the last word.
"Yeah, that's the thing. Last night, the reason I caught him was because I was out. I knew something was wrong with him and I knew he needs someone to save him so I went and talked to LynZ. I told her everything. I'm not sure that I should have but I did because now that she's going to be marrying him she's going to have to take care of him."
"What exactly do you mean when you say you told her everything? And why is she the one that's going to have to save him?" Ray responded.
"I mean that I told her about Gerard's past. I was surprised that he hadn't told her himself but she needed to know. And we haven't been able to do it so far, what makes you think that we can save him now? LynZ understands. She loves him and he really needs her." They seemed to believe me. I left out the part about LynZ making him not want to be self-destructive because then they would want to know why he was still being self-destructive. I don't have an answer for that.
"I guess we will have to let LynZ handle it then. That's probably why she came to get him this morning."
"Yeah, probably" mumbled Mikey. "But Frank, you said there was also something he hasn't done yet? What did you mean by that? Did he tell you something else?"
"Yeah, I said that, but don't worry about it. It's not important. And no he didn't say anything else." They stared at me. "I'm going to have to talk aren't I?" They both nodded. "Ugh! I really think it's better if I don't tell you." I looked at them again. They were still waiting. I felt my throat start to tighten as the anxiety gathered in my chest. I clenched my eyes tight to keep from crying but nonetheless the tears started to flow out of my eyes.
"Frankie, what's wrong!? Please let us help!" Ray said as I pushed past Mikey and ran out the door.
"Frank! Wait! Stop!" Someone called after me. I stopped and turned around just long enough to scream back at them.
"His happiness is more important than mine!" The tears blurred my vision as I turned and ran in the opposite direction of the tour bus.
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"Frank! Where are you?!" I looked down from my hiding place. As soon as I had regained my composure and realized that I had no idea where I was going, I circled around the arena parking lot and climbed the side of the bus. That is where I am now. I am on the top of our tour bus, hiding from Mikey and Ray and I am sure I will soon be hiding from Bob and Gerard too. Looking down on Mikey and Ray, they seem to be trying to figure out how to deal with my disappearance and refusal to tell them why I am so upset.
"Crap! Mikey what do we do?! We have to have Frank back in a couple hours for the show!" Ray said.
"I know! What was that all about?! What did he mean 'his happiness is more important than mine'? This is all out of context. There is something Frank isn't telling us." Mikey answered back.
"Hmm... Maybe we should go talk to LynZ she might know something."
"Okay but why do you think she would know something?"
"2 AM talks are never for fun." Ray told him and Mikey seemed to remember that I had told them about talking to LynZ last night. They run off in the direction of the "Mindless Self Indulgence" tour bus.
Crap! I told LynZ about being in love with Gerard! I have to get there before they do!
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Ray's POV
"I really don't think I should tell you." LynZ said.
"LynZ we're trying to help Frank, not just pry into his personal life." I told her. I know they we are kind of prying but seeing Frank break down like that was horrible. I just really want to help him, even if that means the only thing I can do is be a shoulder to cry on.
"Ray, it's not my secret to tell! If he wanted you know, he would have told you!" She said.
"Maybe she's right Ray, it isn't right to force him to tell us." Mikey said. He was standing off to the side and slightly behind me.
"And you think it's right to let him suffer alone? There's something very wrong with him and we hav-" We heard a loud bang as someone in an obvious hurry slammed the bus door open.
"LynZ! You didn't tell them did you?!" Frank shouted as he stumbled through the door, not noticing that Ray and Mikey were already there. LynZ groaned, it seems she is stuck in the middle of our argument.
"No Frank, I haven't told them but I don't really want to be the keeper of this secret."
"I know! I'm sorry! Thank you for being accepting though. Especially since it's... well Gerard."
"This is just a mess Frank. You really should tell them."
"I can't hardly tell myself LynZ. It hurts to much, knowing that he's in pain and... I just can't! Okay?!" He says, obviously in war with himself.
"Frank, you can tell us anything! We won't judge you or Make fun of you. We just want to help you." He looks down as sobs start to wrack his body.
"Gerard needs help. He needs LynZ." He struggled to get out as he fell to his knees with his face in his hands. Mikey kneeled beside him. “Gerard is in pain and I wish I could be the one he needs. Just tell them LynZ. I can’t say it.” We look to LynZ who stares back at us. She gulps.
“Frank is in love with Gerard.” My stomach drops as she says the words.

Notes