This Never Meant Nothin' To Ya'

Tonight's show was horrible. At least for me it was. I was forced to put myself through the motions and pretend that I was okay. My brain doesn't even know what to do anymore. Sometimes I think that I have to fake being okay for Gerard's sake but then again, he himself is not okay. Other times, I feel like I need to do something. He said that he's happy with LynZ, but he still has self-destructive thoughts. The one thing I never want to happen is for him to go back to his old habits. He broke his sobriety. That hurt like a knife in the back. When Gerard got clean, it was because he knew that he was ruining his life with his bad habits and he didn't want to drag the band down with him. It wasn't just an addiction. Yes, he was addicted to alcohol, pills and cocaine. But what kept him there so long was his own self-loathing. Gerard's depression has always been an issue for him. The pills he took were the same ones that made it possible for him to carry on each day. There were many nights where the band members would take turns staying up with him to make sure he didn't try to kill himself like he had told us he wanted to. We knew about everything he ever did. We forced it out of him if we couldn't see it for ourselves. We could see the empty pill bottles, the beer cans that littered to floor, the marks left by razor blades. And now, as the scars that cover his arms fade, he's slipping.
That is the hardest part for me.
Gerard, the love of my life, the man who saved himself, not only for his own sake, but for the sake of the people he loved, is hurting again.
Why does Gerard want to marry LynZ so suddenly? Does she really make him feel better? Does she know about Gerard? About his past and about what's happening now? I need to find LynZ. I need to talk to her. She can't be far. The wedding's tomorrow.
I wander in and out of the parked vehicles until I find the one I've been looking for. I walk up the steps of the "Mindless Self Indulgence" tour bus that has been following us since Gerard's proposal and knock on the door. It is several moments before it opens and a male figure appears.
"Hello? Is that you Frank? What's up?" He says.
"I was just hoping that I could have a talk with LynZ. Is she awake?" He gives me a strange look because it is, like 2 AM.
"She actually just went to bed, I think I get her up if you really need her though."
"Yeah, it's kind of important." He nods and disappears. A few moments later, LynZ shows up at the door wrapped in a bath robe. She smiles at me.
"Hey Frank! What did you need at 2AM?" I can see why Gerard loves her, she is a happy person to be around. Always lightening the mood, she did seem an ideal match for him. But I still had to tell her. I can't let Gerard go into a marriage with a woman that doesn't know the whole story.
"We really need to talk LynZ. It's about Gee." I say with resignation. Her face becomes serious and she looks behind her to check that we are alone before shutting the door and descending the steps.
"Before you say anything Frank, I promise that I won't hurt-"
"He's already hurt." I cut her off. I know that it's rude but I'm not really in the mood for playing around. She gets a hurt and slightly confused look on her face.
"What do you mean?"
"Listen LynZ, there are things that Gerard's to scared to tell anybody. The only reason me and the rest of the band know is because we were there during them. Don't feel bad because he didn't tell you, he loves you and he wants you to feel good around him but I can't let this marriage happen without you knowing. Please, oh God! Don't get mad at him! If you love him, you will understand." She leans against a tree in stunned silence. I take a deep breath. "Okay, I'll start at the beginning."
I told her everything. Everything from the depression that started the band to my awful discovery earlier today. I told her about the pills, the alcohol, the drugs, the cutting, even the suicide attempts. The last thing I told her though, was about what Gerard said. He said that she made things better.
"LynZ, I don't know why he's slipping. But I'm really fuckin' scared. You didn't know about any of this did you?" I am in tears now and I can see that she is close to the same. "I'm sorry if I kind of just threw this on you last minute, but I just had to tell you. You had to know." I pause to calm myself. "Gerard loves you. I can see it in his eyes when he talks about you." I say, remembering our talk from yesterday. "Gerard means the world to me, and you mean the world to him. I want you guys to be happy. It makes me happy when you guys are happy." After about an hour of talking about Gerard's dark past and impending future, Me and LynZ are sitting side by side on the grass and quietly crying together.
"I had my suspicions Frank. Thank you for telling me. I know that was hard for you. You love him don't you?" I stiffen and she goes to hug me, which I return after processing what she had just said.
"God yes! I love him so much LynZ! I need him! I need him to live! But I can't save him. You are the only one who can save him this time LynZ! He needs you! Not me! Not Mikey! Not anybody else!" I am bawling my eyes out uncontrollably. LynZ clings to my shaking form and rubs my back, making soothing sounds with her mouth. When I am calmed down enough to talk I pull away. "You have to save him LynZ. I need you to do that for me."
"I'll do it for all of us Frank. I will take care of him." She says with determination in her voice.
"Good. Because He's not okay."
-----
I managed to avoid making a sound as I opened the door to our tour bus. I really just wanted to go to sleep. Today had left me emotionally and physically drained. Before heading to my bunk, I decide to wash my face in the bathroom but when I reach the door, I find that it is occupied. Wondering who else is up at 2:30 AM, I quickly check all the bunks. Of course. It's fucking Gerard.
A little alarm goes off in my head and I know that something bad is happening behind that door. I reach for the door nob and pull the door open with no effort. He forgot to lock it. I stare in silence at the scene before me. Gerard is looking in the mirror with his back to me, but I know that he can see me in the reflection. His eyes are wide at the surprise of being caught. I look down to see what he was doing before I opened the door. He started doing it again. He started cutting again.
There are several dark red lines on his arm and he is holding a razor blade in his other hand. I take a deep shuttering breath before holding my hand out, palm up. He takes the hint and drops the blade into my hand. There is still blood on it.
"Is that all, Gerard?" I whisper in pissed off tone. He closes his eyes and nods his head. I turn to my bunk and grab a book that I had finished reading a few day s ago. Opening it up in the middle and placing the bloody razor blade inside, I close the book again and shove it into a hole between my mattress and the wall.
I turn back to Gerard who is still standing in the bathroom. I stare at him for a few moments, a blank look on my face, before hugging him. Thankfully, he hugs me back.
"I'm sorry Frankie." he whispers.
"If you're sorry, you won't do it again." He sniffs and nods. "Lets just get you cleaned up." I say.
By the time his wounds are clean and he has finally gone to bed, it is a little past 3 AM. I crawl into my bunk without changing because I don't have the strength left.
I want to sleep but the same thing that kept me awake last night is doing the same tonight.
Gerard is not okay.

Notes