You Said You Read Me Like A Book But The Pages All Are Torn And Frayed
Chapter 5
Gerard POV
When you’re feeling things you don’t want to there’s always one sure way to deal with it, okay it’s unhealthy and caused a shit ton of problems for me in the past, but it does the job. I think I’m going to get shitfaced and then I’m going to get laid. I drive by the liquor store before heading home. There’s a build up of traffic so I’m not back at my flat til 3 and I decide to relax and have my first beer. It’s been a while, maybe 3 months. I used to be drunk constantly and I cut down a lot but I’ve never tried to stop despite pressure from everyone around me. It’s not like I’m recovering because there’s not really anything to recover from, if I wanna get drunk I’ll get drunk, if I don’t I won’t. But now I really wanna.
***
I lay tangled in sheets, sweat, cum and beer for a few moments. That was good. It worked, I’ve forgotten Frank! Oops. I can hear music downstairs and get to my feet, conscious of how much I’m staggering. I find myself giggling as I pull on my jeans.
“Gerard!” I hear the girl I just fucked call from the hall “You okay?”
“I wanted to party some more honey” I chirp, skipping past her downstairs.
“Gerard!” someone downstairs calls. Everyone wants me now! “You’re phones been ringing constantly all night”
“Fuck off” I shout at it jokingly as I see it in the corner ringing. I walk over and pick it up, reading the time, 3am and the caller id, Mikey.
“Hey bro” I answer.
“Gerard!? I’ve been ringing for four hours now. Me and mum had an argument and I went round yours but you weren’t in and you weren’t answering your phone and oh my god I was so worried where are you?” he gabbles.
“Ugh calm your beans mikes I’m fine” I slur.
“Are you- Are you drunk?” he asks accusingly.
“Maybe” I giggle.
“Fucking hell Gee. And you’re high too, don’t even try pretending like you’re not. Come on what is it this time? Acid? MDMA?”
“I don’t know, it’s good though, you should come and join me, you’re so serious all you do is bring people down”
“Thanks a bunch. Where the fuck are you anyway?”
“Just a house party?”
“Whose?”
“I don’t know, we played spin the bottle like middle schoolers and we got all this good shit and I had an amazing fuck”
“Okay, any idea where?”
“Nowhere far! Only a lil drive from the club”
“Fucking hell Gerard. Why? Why are you doing this, you were doing so well”
“I felt like it”
“Somethings going on with you, you can tell me”
“Okay okay, keep it a secret but I fancy your little frankie!! I think I’m gonna ask him out on Monday and then we can have sex over my desk and then and then he’ll move in with us and you can stay too” I whisper excitedly.
“Oh Gerard” he sighs.
“Cheer up, it’s gonna be great!”
“He’s my best friend, gee. And your patient and student”
“Oh well fuck it”
Suddenly out of nowhere I feel an unpleasant feeling bubble up inside me.
“Mikey I think I’m gonna vo-” I gabble before emptying the contents of my stomach on the floor.
“Are you quite finished?” he asks after a few moments.
“I’m good”
“Go pass out somewhere and I’ll call you in 8 hours okay?” He murmurs before hanging up. I stagger into the garden and end up doing just that.
***
My eyelids flutter open and immediately the bright sunlight crushes me. I’m fucking freezing but lay for a few moments becoming aware of my surroundings. I’m laying in a garden and I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. I must somehow doze off again because I awake for the second time to the sound of my phone vibrating. Slowly I open my eyes again, squinting at the light. I’m soaked, I think it’s been raining but luckily my phone is okay.
“H-hello” I answer slowly, my head pounding.
“Afternoon. You’re not dead then?” Mikey replies monotonously. I groan in response “You wanna know where I slept last night? A park bench. A park fucking bench because I needed you and you weren’t there”
“Sorry” I mumble feeling guilty “why?”
“Me and mum argued again and she told me she didn’t wanna see me again that night obviously her stubborn views come first, dad has a new girlfriend round obviously she comes first and you, well, you I actually stupidly believed I came first to you. But I don’t do I? Some meaningless fuck or high comes first to you doesn’t it? I needed you and you were too busy having a good time. Honestly, Gee all you seem to do is fuck me over, I’m beginning to wonder if I’m better off without you” He rants.
“Mikey, please” I get out, realising he’s reduced me to tears. He picks up on that too and his voice softens.
“So any idea where you are yet?”
“A garden? I’m soaked, I think it rained on me”
“Oh Gerard. Sorry I got angry there, I know you don’t mean to do this. Is there anyone around?”
“Inside probably” I reply, sitting up slowly. For a moment I feel like I’m about to throw up and pull myself up against a shed while I get my head together. I ache all over but after a few moments the ground seems to have stopped moving.
“Are you okay?” he asks, sounding worried.
“Yeah I just fuck my head hurts”
“Shh, I’ll get you some painkillers once we get you home yeah? And you can curl up in your nice warm bed and have a nice long sleep, sound good?”
I hum in response and stagger to my feet and slowly trudge up the garden. I go inside slowly, stepping over someone passed out in the doorway. There’s some people curled up on the sofa, a few more on the floor.
“I’m the only one awake I think, and I don’t know anyone” I tell Mikey. I glance out the window and recognise the street “Hold up, I think I know this estate”
I look out properly and see Walmart a few streets away, about 15minutes from Mikey’s and half an hour from mine.
“I think I’m somewhere in the estate behind Walmart” I tell him.
“Okay go wait outside I’ll c-” he starts before being cut off abruptly. Damnit my phone died. I go and sit against the wall outside, despite how painful it is, hoping somehow he’ll come and find me.
***
“Hey” I hear Mikey call, shaking me gently “Gee?”
I open my eyes, I must have fell asleep again. My brother smiles slightly, I’m leant up against the wall and he’s crouched in front of me.
“Here, I got you some water” he smiles, pushing a bottle of water to my lips. I drink it thankfully, despite how nauseous I’m feeling. There’s a taxi behind us and he pulls me up and helps me into it.
“Your brother had me driving round these streets for half an hour looking for you” the driver grumbles. Neither of us reply. She looks round judgementally “Sorry but how many litres of vomit, piss and alcohol are you bringing into my vehicle right now? You know I don’t have any legal responsibility to take you anywhere?”
“I’m so sorry, please just take us home now” he begs and I mumble a ‘sorry’.
“It’s not you who should be sorry Michael did you say your name was? It’s him, you should be ashamed of yourself you know going out and getting up to god knows what and leaving your brother to pick up the pieces, he’s barely at high school” she tells me. I feel my stomach clench, I want her to shut up but I know she’s fucking right.
“I know” I mutter.
“It’s okay, Gee” he whispers, pulling my head into his lap “Ma’am would you care to take your nose out of our business please”
I’m aware of Mikey and the driver talk a few times as my mind wanders. I feel like complete shit mentally and physically but him stroking my hair softly helps. What seems like moments later, we’re pulling up outside my apartment block. We get out the car and Mikey thanks the driver and helps me inside. Luckily, I still have my keys safe in my pocket. I immediately lay down on the sofa and he gets me some painkillers.
“I am so sorry Mikey” I groan.
“It’s nothing” he mumbles, sitting me up and handing a glass of water and 2 pills to me.
“When did you last take your meds?” he asks.
“Uh Thursday?” I reply, unsure.
“Fucking hell Gerard what don’t you understand about twice a day?” he grumbles, bringing through the packet of Zoloft. He takes out one and I take that too. I lay back down and start feeling a little better.
“Last night” he starts after a while “You told me you like Frank, is that true?”
I feel my stomach flip. Oh my god, I forgot I told.
“Oh yeah shit um kinda, what did I say exactly” I answer.
“Well uh you told me you want to ask him out on Monday, fuck him over your desk then move in with him. Your words.”
“Oh god I didn’t. But well yeah it is true. Not like the fucking over the desk, well I wouldn’t mind but like it’s illegal”
“So you like him?”
“No Mikey, I don’t” I reply sarcastically “Of course I do”
“I had my suspicions I mean it was kinda obvious but I was kinda just teasing, I didn’t expect you to actually have feelings for him”
“Well I do I guess”
“What is it you like about him?”
“I don’t know exactly, obviously he’s hot as fuck and the way he has a really adorable smile, he’s got a really intriguing personality, I kinda just wanna like protect him from all the bad things in the world but it seems like he’s already experienced most of them” I confide “But fuck, I can’t think like this I’m meant to be a responsible adult to him, I’m in a position of trust plus he’s underage, I’m a pedophile for thinking like this”
“No you’re not, he’s 18 in like just over a month, then it’s legal and you’re only 24 I mean he’s my friend so it’s a lot more personal like for all anyone knows you met through me and know eachother outside of school, I mean you do”
“I guess”
“I can see why you like him, like if he wasn’t my best friend and I had to pick someone to fall for, I’d probably choose him”
“Hmm. He doesn’t even like me though”
“You sure? He seemed pretty disappointed at the fact you cancelled your therapy session, by the way you had a meeting my ass, but yeah he was worried about you”
“Yeah, doesn’t mean he wants to be with me though. This situation will just end up hurting people, you, me, him maybe all of us and I need to be professional at least for a bit”
“Is this why you got shitfaced last night?”
“If you must know yes. Okay, I got fucked up so I’d forget about the fact I have a crush on my brothers best friend, my student and patient. Can you leave me to sleep now?”
“I guess. But this is a really shit idea but maybe you should keep a journal, just every morning or afternoon or whatever fill it with pages and pages of whatever you’re feeling or thinking, no one has to see and maybe that way you will have exhausted all your feels so it doesn’t interfere with your job and you don’t have to resort to alcohol or whatever”
“Mikey, thanks but I’m not 13, can I just sleep now?”
When you’re feeling things you don’t want to there’s always one sure way to deal with it, okay it’s unhealthy and caused a shit ton of problems for me in the past, but it does the job. I think I’m going to get shitfaced and then I’m going to get laid. I drive by the liquor store before heading home. There’s a build up of traffic so I’m not back at my flat til 3 and I decide to relax and have my first beer. It’s been a while, maybe 3 months. I used to be drunk constantly and I cut down a lot but I’ve never tried to stop despite pressure from everyone around me. It’s not like I’m recovering because there’s not really anything to recover from, if I wanna get drunk I’ll get drunk, if I don’t I won’t. But now I really wanna.
***
I lay tangled in sheets, sweat, cum and beer for a few moments. That was good. It worked, I’ve forgotten Frank! Oops. I can hear music downstairs and get to my feet, conscious of how much I’m staggering. I find myself giggling as I pull on my jeans.
“Gerard!” I hear the girl I just fucked call from the hall “You okay?”
“I wanted to party some more honey” I chirp, skipping past her downstairs.
“Gerard!” someone downstairs calls. Everyone wants me now! “You’re phones been ringing constantly all night”
“Fuck off” I shout at it jokingly as I see it in the corner ringing. I walk over and pick it up, reading the time, 3am and the caller id, Mikey.
“Hey bro” I answer.
“Gerard!? I’ve been ringing for four hours now. Me and mum had an argument and I went round yours but you weren’t in and you weren’t answering your phone and oh my god I was so worried where are you?” he gabbles.
“Ugh calm your beans mikes I’m fine” I slur.
“Are you- Are you drunk?” he asks accusingly.
“Maybe” I giggle.
“Fucking hell Gee. And you’re high too, don’t even try pretending like you’re not. Come on what is it this time? Acid? MDMA?”
“I don’t know, it’s good though, you should come and join me, you’re so serious all you do is bring people down”
“Thanks a bunch. Where the fuck are you anyway?”
“Just a house party?”
“Whose?”
“I don’t know, we played spin the bottle like middle schoolers and we got all this good shit and I had an amazing fuck”
“Okay, any idea where?”
“Nowhere far! Only a lil drive from the club”
“Fucking hell Gerard. Why? Why are you doing this, you were doing so well”
“I felt like it”
“Somethings going on with you, you can tell me”
“Okay okay, keep it a secret but I fancy your little frankie!! I think I’m gonna ask him out on Monday and then we can have sex over my desk and then and then he’ll move in with us and you can stay too” I whisper excitedly.
“Oh Gerard” he sighs.
“Cheer up, it’s gonna be great!”
“He’s my best friend, gee. And your patient and student”
“Oh well fuck it”
Suddenly out of nowhere I feel an unpleasant feeling bubble up inside me.
“Mikey I think I’m gonna vo-” I gabble before emptying the contents of my stomach on the floor.
“Are you quite finished?” he asks after a few moments.
“I’m good”
“Go pass out somewhere and I’ll call you in 8 hours okay?” He murmurs before hanging up. I stagger into the garden and end up doing just that.
***
My eyelids flutter open and immediately the bright sunlight crushes me. I’m fucking freezing but lay for a few moments becoming aware of my surroundings. I’m laying in a garden and I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. I must somehow doze off again because I awake for the second time to the sound of my phone vibrating. Slowly I open my eyes again, squinting at the light. I’m soaked, I think it’s been raining but luckily my phone is okay.
“H-hello” I answer slowly, my head pounding.
“Afternoon. You’re not dead then?” Mikey replies monotonously. I groan in response “You wanna know where I slept last night? A park bench. A park fucking bench because I needed you and you weren’t there”
“Sorry” I mumble feeling guilty “why?”
“Me and mum argued again and she told me she didn’t wanna see me again that night obviously her stubborn views come first, dad has a new girlfriend round obviously she comes first and you, well, you I actually stupidly believed I came first to you. But I don’t do I? Some meaningless fuck or high comes first to you doesn’t it? I needed you and you were too busy having a good time. Honestly, Gee all you seem to do is fuck me over, I’m beginning to wonder if I’m better off without you” He rants.
“Mikey, please” I get out, realising he’s reduced me to tears. He picks up on that too and his voice softens.
“So any idea where you are yet?”
“A garden? I’m soaked, I think it rained on me”
“Oh Gerard. Sorry I got angry there, I know you don’t mean to do this. Is there anyone around?”
“Inside probably” I reply, sitting up slowly. For a moment I feel like I’m about to throw up and pull myself up against a shed while I get my head together. I ache all over but after a few moments the ground seems to have stopped moving.
“Are you okay?” he asks, sounding worried.
“Yeah I just fuck my head hurts”
“Shh, I’ll get you some painkillers once we get you home yeah? And you can curl up in your nice warm bed and have a nice long sleep, sound good?”
I hum in response and stagger to my feet and slowly trudge up the garden. I go inside slowly, stepping over someone passed out in the doorway. There’s some people curled up on the sofa, a few more on the floor.
“I’m the only one awake I think, and I don’t know anyone” I tell Mikey. I glance out the window and recognise the street “Hold up, I think I know this estate”
I look out properly and see Walmart a few streets away, about 15minutes from Mikey’s and half an hour from mine.
“I think I’m somewhere in the estate behind Walmart” I tell him.
“Okay go wait outside I’ll c-” he starts before being cut off abruptly. Damnit my phone died. I go and sit against the wall outside, despite how painful it is, hoping somehow he’ll come and find me.
***
“Hey” I hear Mikey call, shaking me gently “Gee?”
I open my eyes, I must have fell asleep again. My brother smiles slightly, I’m leant up against the wall and he’s crouched in front of me.
“Here, I got you some water” he smiles, pushing a bottle of water to my lips. I drink it thankfully, despite how nauseous I’m feeling. There’s a taxi behind us and he pulls me up and helps me into it.
“Your brother had me driving round these streets for half an hour looking for you” the driver grumbles. Neither of us reply. She looks round judgementally “Sorry but how many litres of vomit, piss and alcohol are you bringing into my vehicle right now? You know I don’t have any legal responsibility to take you anywhere?”
“I’m so sorry, please just take us home now” he begs and I mumble a ‘sorry’.
“It’s not you who should be sorry Michael did you say your name was? It’s him, you should be ashamed of yourself you know going out and getting up to god knows what and leaving your brother to pick up the pieces, he’s barely at high school” she tells me. I feel my stomach clench, I want her to shut up but I know she’s fucking right.
“I know” I mutter.
“It’s okay, Gee” he whispers, pulling my head into his lap “Ma’am would you care to take your nose out of our business please”
I’m aware of Mikey and the driver talk a few times as my mind wanders. I feel like complete shit mentally and physically but him stroking my hair softly helps. What seems like moments later, we’re pulling up outside my apartment block. We get out the car and Mikey thanks the driver and helps me inside. Luckily, I still have my keys safe in my pocket. I immediately lay down on the sofa and he gets me some painkillers.
“I am so sorry Mikey” I groan.
“It’s nothing” he mumbles, sitting me up and handing a glass of water and 2 pills to me.
“When did you last take your meds?” he asks.
“Uh Thursday?” I reply, unsure.
“Fucking hell Gerard what don’t you understand about twice a day?” he grumbles, bringing through the packet of Zoloft. He takes out one and I take that too. I lay back down and start feeling a little better.
“Last night” he starts after a while “You told me you like Frank, is that true?”
I feel my stomach flip. Oh my god, I forgot I told.
“Oh yeah shit um kinda, what did I say exactly” I answer.
“Well uh you told me you want to ask him out on Monday, fuck him over your desk then move in with him. Your words.”
“Oh god I didn’t. But well yeah it is true. Not like the fucking over the desk, well I wouldn’t mind but like it’s illegal”
“So you like him?”
“No Mikey, I don’t” I reply sarcastically “Of course I do”
“I had my suspicions I mean it was kinda obvious but I was kinda just teasing, I didn’t expect you to actually have feelings for him”
“Well I do I guess”
“What is it you like about him?”
“I don’t know exactly, obviously he’s hot as fuck and the way he has a really adorable smile, he’s got a really intriguing personality, I kinda just wanna like protect him from all the bad things in the world but it seems like he’s already experienced most of them” I confide “But fuck, I can’t think like this I’m meant to be a responsible adult to him, I’m in a position of trust plus he’s underage, I’m a pedophile for thinking like this”
“No you’re not, he’s 18 in like just over a month, then it’s legal and you’re only 24 I mean he’s my friend so it’s a lot more personal like for all anyone knows you met through me and know eachother outside of school, I mean you do”
“I guess”
“I can see why you like him, like if he wasn’t my best friend and I had to pick someone to fall for, I’d probably choose him”
“Hmm. He doesn’t even like me though”
“You sure? He seemed pretty disappointed at the fact you cancelled your therapy session, by the way you had a meeting my ass, but yeah he was worried about you”
“Yeah, doesn’t mean he wants to be with me though. This situation will just end up hurting people, you, me, him maybe all of us and I need to be professional at least for a bit”
“Is this why you got shitfaced last night?”
“If you must know yes. Okay, I got fucked up so I’d forget about the fact I have a crush on my brothers best friend, my student and patient. Can you leave me to sleep now?”
“I guess. But this is a really shit idea but maybe you should keep a journal, just every morning or afternoon or whatever fill it with pages and pages of whatever you’re feeling or thinking, no one has to see and maybe that way you will have exhausted all your feels so it doesn’t interfere with your job and you don’t have to resort to alcohol or whatever”
“Mikey, thanks but I’m not 13, can I just sleep now?”
Notes
hey so i'm so sorry i've been so shit at updating this, rn it's 3:30am and i'm getting evicted literally today omfg, imma be staying with a family friend until we get somewhere but imma be even shittier at updating (if thats possible) but yeah i should prolly go bc i've still not packed all my shit up oops
plz comment n shizzle
Megan x
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ty <3
10/29/15