If A Body Kiss A Body

Ever since I was little I knew I was in the wrong body. I never liked the girl in the mirror. It's not that I had anything against her, it just felt wrong to be in this body. My attraction to men and women have nothing to do with why I want to transition. I know this first step is very important for people who are getting ready to transition. I feel like it would be easier for me to know how someone will take this and if someone will support me or not. Surgery scares me, especially since I know this procedure will be dangerous. I would like someone by my side when I go through this. I haven't even told my girlfriend, Amy, or my best friend, James. Not even my mother knows and I really need some fucking advice on this. It hurts so much when people call me 'miss' or expect me to wear a skirt or a dress because I'm suppose to act like a girl and so girlish things. I feel like this is my last option. If I don't do this, I don't see any other reason to live. I'm going to slowly take step and when surgery comes I'll just deal with it. I need to tell James, Amy and my mother. They're the only people on earth who know me well enough. I have too many dark thoughts in my head and it's time to speak up. I've been silent long enough. I'm finally going to be who I've got to be.

***

"Wow."

I sat there on the porch of James' house, we both sat on the steps. It was eleven in the evening on a Friday night and it was still very warm outside. I felt kind of guilty for just showing I'm at a late hour but I felt like I didn't tell him I would burst. I clutched my still full beer can and directed my eyes to the ground.
I spared at glance at him, he was hunched over and taking a long drink from his beer. Once he finished, some of it spilled from his mouth and onto his shirt. He cussed under his breath and made a sad attempt at wiping away the stain. He sighed and looked up at me and smiled.
"You're absolutely sure about this?" He asks. I thought about this. I decided that, yes, I really wanted to go through with it, I just needed some reassurance about the whole thing. Like I said before, surgery scares me. My nerves were getting the best of me but I trusted James with my life and needed his support in this. I voiced my thoughts to him, all while looking at the ground.
"Hey man. Look at me. Come on, look at me." He chuckles and puts his arm around me. "If this is what you really want, then you know I'll stand by you, right?" A huge smile makes its way across my face.
"Yeah, I know. I was just worried. I don't want you to hate me." I said. He squeezes my shoulder and gave me his signature look that said, 'Frankie, you're such a dumbass sometimes.' "Well son, I guess this means you're a man now. He bursts out laughing. He was so stupid. It wasn't even that funny, if at all. Most of the time, his laugh was funnier than the joke. This is why I love having him around, he always makes the best out of every situation.
"Shut up!" I giggled and punched him in the shoulder.
"Ow motherfucker!" He yelled but we laughed like we always did. After we calmed down he went silent. He turned to me and gave me a smile but this one had a certain aura of parental authority to it.
"Frankie, you know that if you do this theres no going back. It's irreversible." I nodded to let him know I was listening and considering his words carefully.
"I've been too scared to say anything till now. I don't want to be silent anymore. I'm not happy with my life, James." I curled in on myself and felt my stomach begin to knot up.
"Woah, I'm not criticizing you. I just don't want you to do anything that you'll regret. If you're going to do this, it has to be for the way you see yourself. Like you'll die if you have to live the rest of your life in a woman's body. I respect your decision if this is what you want to do. There's just one question that you need to answer. Is this really what you want to do?" He gave me a serious expression on his face that was uncommon for him.
"James, do you remember that night?" I hate to bring it up because neither of us liked to talk about it. He rubbed his face with his free hand, reliving painful flashbacks.
"I don't think I could forget it if I tried."
"Well, that feeling I had back then I still have now. I am fucking miserable, James. This is my last option. I don't want to live like this anymore." My voice wobbled and I could feel tears in my eyes. The next thing I knew, I was in his arms receiving a bear crushing hug.
"I'm so proud of you for being strong for so long. I never want to see you like that again." He held me for what seemed to be a long time. He rubbed my back just the way he knew I liked and my tears ran dry.
We broke apart when his phone began ringing. James gives me an apologetic smile and I signal him to answer it.
"Hello? Gerard? What the fuck? I'm kind of in the middle of something right now. What? No. No, I'm not going to pick your drunk ass up. Call a taxi or go bother your brother or something." James then hung up and took a deep breath. "Heh, sorry about that. My friends's stupid ass brother."
"Don't worry about it, it's cool." I put my beer down, no long interested and twiddled my thumbs. We were both quiet when James spoke up.
"So, um, I was wondering what you're going to call yourself?" He asked.
"Honestly, I haven't thought about it all that much. I know it comes easy to some people but I can't think of one. I think I'm just going to stick with 'Frank' because It wouldn't be all that hard to get used to." I explain.
"That's cool. If you want to talk about anything else, please don't be afraid to come to me. It's gonna be a little hard to get used to pronouns but I'll get it in time. Your identity matters." He gave me a warm smile and I knew he genuinely cared about my well being. He knew how to make people feel relaxed. He finished the rest of his beer and turned his attention to me.
"You're gonna be okay, Iero."

Notes

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