The Only Way

Gerard had asked me to go to his office earlier to make sure I was ready for group therapy. We had been talking a lot lately but it was more about my panic disorder that had gotten worse than anything else. He acted like a friend and was doing his best not to make things awkward. It had been a week since the "almost kissing" incident had happen. I was giving him plenty of time to think, putting zero pressure on him. I was being patient, I was responsible, I was comprehensible, Hell, I was the fucking Dalaï-lama of maturity.

It was after business hours so the building was empty at the exeption of the secretary and Gerard. I still had to sit in the waiting room even tho he would have been okay with me just knocking on his office's door. But his secretatry minded tho, she had given me a funny look when I had asked for Gerard instead of the formal Mr. Way. I didn't give a damn about her opinion, she could go to hell with her snobby face as far as I was concerned.

"Mr. Iero?" she called from her desk, even tho I was the only one in the room.

"Mr. Way's ready to see you."

I walked to his office without thanking her, and bumped into Gerard in the hallway.

"Gotta pee real bad but my office's unlocked."

I entered the room, closing the door behind me. His desk was as messy as the first time I had met him. Poor Gerard, it must have been a reflection of what was going on inside his head. I sat down in my usual sofa but something caught my attention. My file was on Gerard's armchair. A part of me wanted to look through it. Well, not really a part of me, all of me was more like it. I took the file, keeping an eye on the door in case Gerard would come back. It was filled with key words like, panic, stress at home, dad violent?, mom not present. It was a summary of our first conversations and some reflections like "medication might help", first goal : stop being angry. I was searching for some sort of comments or signs of his professional opinion of me. Maybe I was looking for something that would hurt me, that would prove me that he wasn't interested. But I had just found the opposite. All over a bunch of pink sheets, that looked like they didn't really belong in the file, was written the same sentence : Stop thinking about him.

I couldn't believe my eyes. It was about me wasn't it? Or else it wouldn't have been in my file. Is this what he meant when he told me he needed time? My thoughts were spinning out of control. I put back the file on his armchair as Gerard came back in the room.

"Sorry about that. So are you nervous about the group therapy?"

"Not really" All I could think about was those damn sheets.

"Don't lie to me Frank, your legs are shaking." Damn..when had he written it?

"You know how I like being in social gatherings...and the worse is that I don't know what to expect but I think I'm as excited as nervous. The fine line between excitement and stomacache." It was exactly how I felt about what I just had discovered.

"You see, teeling the truth doesn't hurt, does it?"

"Sometimes it does tho." Was he being honest with me? Certainly not.

"I would like to congradulate you. You've been more opened to share things with me lately. Maybe it's a matter of trust. But I'm glad you decided to start talking to me."

"Yeah I trust you." I trusted him to make me feel like my heart was on overdrive.

"It takes a certain time to feel at ease with someone, it's completely normal."

"I always felt safe with you."

"Alright, hummm..you know, I think April's coming. He said, trying to change the subject.

"You should be the one who's nervous then." If he had told me once again that I could date her, I would have punched him in the face.

"I know, right?" he laughed.

"You look nice today" He had a suit but still looked like an overdressed teenager.

"Yeah..I..it's to boost my confidence, you know?" He said, laughing shyly.

"Are you telling me you're not confident enough when you're wearing your leather coat, Mr. Way ?" I teased. I knew he liked that coat more than comic books. And he looooved comic books.

"Nah, it's just, it wouldn't be appropriate."

"Would be so fucking hot, tho." Alright, Frank, you've made your point. Gerard's hot. Now stop embarassing the man, would you?

"I'll pretend I didn't hear anything." he said, as red as the chair he was sitting on.

"Sorry, I'll behave." I needed to show him I was mature enough to date him.

"So any panic attacks yesterday?"

"You mean apart from the two times I called you and thought I was going out of my mind?"

"Yeah, apart from those ones."

"No. But I had trouble falling asleep. I had anxious dreams and kept waking up. It felt like someone was sitting on my chest." He was writting down in his notebook. I could still the pink sheets, stuck between the pages.

"Any news from your mom yet?"

"She's staying in an hotel and she can't take me with her as long as she doesn't find somewhere to live."

"At least she's considering it."

"Yeah that's good news."

"How are things with your dad?"

"Next question, please." I didn't wanna talk about my dad and he knew it.

"Okay, moving on to...your goal."

"Are you feeling less angry?" No. I was angry at him all the time, angry that he wouldn't talk to me about how he felt about me, fucking furious at my dad and the things he had dare telling me, angry at my mom for letting me down once again, angry at myself for being so weak. Apart from panic, it was the only feeling I had lately.

"Not really" This was an understatement.

"You know, making those lists was supposed to help you" Not those damn lists again...

"When I ask you something, it's usually not just to annoy you with homework or because I think it's funny to give you orders. It's for a very specific purpose. And in this case, it was to make you realise that many things that make you mad are sometimes all related to the same problem."

"My dad found them, shredded them to pieces in front of my face then punished me for it. So, sorry if I didn't feel like making your stupid lists again." I was already angry and the group therapy didn't even started.

"Alright, no need to be rude. How did he punish you?"

"Moving on to another subject, please." Still didn't want to talk about it..

"Frank, if you don't talk to me, I can't help you."

"I don't need your help with this. I can deal with it on my own."

"Self-harming is not usually a sign of success." He said, looking at my wrist.

"Fuck you."

"Alright, show them to me then."

"What?"

"Your wrists, I wanna see them."

"No way."

"I've been through the exact same shit, Frank. You can't fool me."

"At least I can try."

"But it won't do you any good."

"If you stopped taking everything out on yourself and started talking about the anger you feel and directed that anger on the right target, you wouldn't feel so miserable all the time. Hell, you might even feel empowered."

"I can't, alright? I just can't" I broke down and started to cry.

"Why can't you?"

"Cause...I might...I might kill him. That's how intense this anger is. And I can't let it out."

"There are many ways to let it out. That's why I asked you to come today."

"I'm so...I'm afraid I might hurt somebody. I'm scared shitless of what I might do. I wanna go home, Gerard, please, take me home" I begged him, starting to feel panic take over me.

"Shhh...I'm sorry I pushed you...It's just that it's been almost a month and I thought you were ready..I pushed you too hard, I'm sorry." He took my hand, trying to calm me down.

"Omg...you must think I'm pathetic..All I do is crying like a fucking fag."

"I could never think such things about you. And don't ever say you're a fag again. The fact that you like boy...I mean, men, has nothing to do with how overwhelmed you feel at the moment." He paused for a moment, brushing the top of my hand with his thumb.

"You are strong, Frank. A lot of people that have been throught the same thing aren't doing as good as you do."

"Do you still wanna come? No pressure. I want you to be honest with me."

"Yes...I.." I wanted to get help, no matter how.

"I'll be there if something goes wrong alright? I'll lead you through the whole thing."

You'll be the ship steering me through the storm, I thought to myself, smiling like an idiot.

"It feels like a rollercoaster ride that never stops, being in my skin. It's fucking exhausting sometimes."

"It'll get better, I promise."

And his promise was good enough for me, I felt better already. Gerard the magician had done his trick once again.

Thirty minutes later, everyone had arrived and Gerard was ready to start the therapy. We had to sit in a circle, on the ground and tell our names one after the other. I was sitting next to April, who looked disenchanted already and a guy that was twice my age. He made me think about my dad..there was something in his attitude...I didn't feel comfortable. I still don't know how he did it but I think Gerard felt I my discomfort and sat down next to me.

"So today, we are gonna try to express our anger by other means than verbal or physic violence." said Gerard.

"Booooring" April whispered for me only to hear.

"There is a table with paper and crayons at the back. You can pick as much colors as you want. The goal is to draw your anger. It will make it real, like an entity, seperated from you. And you'll be able to confront it afterwards, but let's start with the fun part, shall we?"

"For those who don't feel comfortable sitting on the floor, you can sit at the table." He said, as everyone got up.

I didn't mind sitting on the floor, I just wanted to be next to someone I knew.

"Alright, I'll give you twenty minutes. Add as much details as you can and on the back, I want you to give it a name and write down the reason for this particular name. Ready, set, go!" He said, walking around the room.

I had been staring at the paper for about five minutes when Gerard got down on his knees to talk to me.

"Is there something wrong, Frank?"

"Nah..it's just..I can't draw shit."

"It doesn't have to be pretty or look like anything that exists. Just close your eyes, focus on the anger you feel and draw the shit out of it."

"With my eyes closed?"

"Why not?"

So I did as he had told me and started drawing. The first stroke felt like I was going to rip up the sheet. I had chosen a black crayon because it's how I felt lately. Darkness had taken over my life. Then I added a few lines then started drawing incontrollably. I was making circles within circles, adding chaos to the drawing, adding strong straight lines, then zigzags to portrait the rollercoaster that was my life. I opened my eyes and it looked like a drawing straight out of the movie The Ring. I decided to add some color so I picked a red crayon. I made it look like a bloody mess.

I looked at April drawing and started laughing. She had drawn a sausage and a knife pinned to a wooden board. It was kinda hilarious. I had to ask her later if it was about her science teacher. I wondered what he could have done to her to make her that mad. Alright, now I had to find a name for my bloody mess.

"Okay everyone, stop drawing and come sit in the circle. You're gonna share your experience and the meaning of your drawings."

"April, would you be so kind to start?" She looked pissed off to have been chosen.

"Don't feel like it."

"And why is that?"

"Cause I hate every single one of your judgemental faces."

"April, no ones here to judge you. You just need to trust me on this."

"I just need to trust you...? Yeahh like it's easy to do. I don't like your stupid face either."

"Alright, one moment everyone. Let's talk about it outside, shall we?"

Gerard and April headed to the door and everyone in the room started chatting.

After a while they both came back and April seemed to have calmed down.

"So, since April isn't in the mood for sharing, I'll ask Robert to start."

A tall guy cleared his throat and started talking.

"This is called Allison. It's the name of the mother of my children. I drew her with her head off, dancing around a stripping pole and money is being thrown at her. She is the reason I am mad all the time. She never takes care of our kids, she's always snorting coke and she's a cheap date, willing to fuck the first dude that walks into her life."

"Okay, very good, Robert."

"Anyone else?"

A young girl across the room raised her hand.

"Alright Mary, we're listening."

"This drawing is called...Disney World. Here there's my mother and next to her it's me. I'm dressed as a princess and I'm about 6 years old. We are in front of a castle that is in fact a mental institution. This represents every promises that my mom made and never kept and every lie she told me." She was practically crying now. Gerard put a hand on her shoulder.

"It's okay Mary, you see what's underneath all that anger is in fact sadness. It's good to let it out, darling."

"Frank? Would you share the meaning of your drawing with us?"

I nodded and started talking.

"My drawing is called Antony cause it's my middle name and it was chosen by my dad. It is the part of me I hate, the one that is always hurt and mad. It's a bit abstract but I'll explain it the best way I can. My anger is black and it bleeds and it's all over the sheet. My anger is vicious and has sharpened edges that could cut you open, it needs, in order to live, to hurt people, to make them suffer and beg and scream for help till their last breath. My anger is a ghost sitting on my lungs, stealing my air, stealing my joy, my hopes and ruining my most cheerished memories. When it consumes me, nothing else exists other than pain."

"That's..great, Frank, thank you." Gerard said. His voice had cracked.

The rest of the session was filled with awkward moments where everyone had to tell something they liked about themselves or their life. We had to share our feelings about the drawings of the others. At the end, almost everyone was crying except April. She was sitting in a corner waiting for the session to be over. I could tell she wasn't ready to let go of her anger. Maybe she was afraid she would have nothing left if she did.

Gerard thanked everyone for coming and a girl hugged him in a total inappropriate way. I wasn't jealous of course..or maybe I was. I wish I could have done the same thing but I knew he wouldn't have appreciated it. He was insiting on acting like a friend, even tho sometimes his feelings (what thought were his real feelings, anyway) came back to the surface.

I was the last one left in the room except for Gerard.

"How was it?"

"You did great, it was helpful and now I understand why you wanted me to come."

"I'm glad you liked it."

"What was the deal with April? She looked pissed."

"It's not my story to tell. I'm sorry, you should ask her directly."

"Of course."

"So wanna grab a bite and then I'll drop you home?"

"I would love to."

We walked downtown till we found snack bar. He bought us hotdogs and we ate them sitting down on the sidewalk."

"It's a beautiful night." He said, looking at the sky.

"Just like you." I answered, not really thinking.

"Frank..."

"Sorry. You need time, I get it."

"Do you?"

"Yeah, it's just that..I know that there's something there, between us, even tho you won't talk about it. I still can feel it."

"I.." He tried to say something but stopped

"I'm sorry I mentioned it, I had promised."

"I don't mind...I mean you're kinda right."

"I am?" I asked, suprised.

"Yeah but I'm not ready to discuss it just yet."

"Fair enough."

Then It was time for him to drive me home. We both remained silent as we walked underneath the stars, holding hands.

"I'm just an old man, what do you see in me?" he asked, pensive.

"Beauty, compassion, fun, a lot of sadness sometimes but in a way that is endearing."

"You always find the right words, don't you ?" he said, a crooked smile on his lips.

"Only when I'm telling the truth."

Notes

Sorry I took more time than expected to write this.
I think it was worth it tho.

Enjoy <3