The Only Way

I woke up to the sound of my parents fighting. I looked at my alarm clock, 2 am. Wasn't it a bit late to be arguing that loud? I reached for my cellphone. No messages. I had been texting Gerard only for emergencies, like panic attacks or intense waves of anxiety for about two weeks now. I thought I was doing really well but I still couldn't keep him off my mind most of the time. I must have had dialed his number a thousand time but then had hang up because the things I wanted to say to him were either full of anger or totally innapropriate. He was my therapist and I was his patient. I was 17, he was 37. I had written a whole list of other reasons to remind me this relationship was a dead end but I still needed him like a junkie needs his fix.

"Don't you dare lift a finger on me!!!" I heard my mom scream from downstairs. My heart was racing. I heard the front door slam and the engine of a car starting. I looked through the window only to see my mom backing her car out of our driveway and disappear into the night.

Why did she leave me behind? Did he hit her? Wasn't that the best reason she could ever find to bring me along?

I heard glass shattering and things getting bumped on the floor. I tried to go back to my bed as silently as I could but tripped over a couple of books scattered across on the floor. Well fuck.

"Frannnkkkkk? Are you up?" I heard my dad call from downstairs. He was probably drunk.

"Frankkkkkkkkkkk...I'm warning you. I'm gonna come up to get you, little piece of shit."

I locked my bedroom door and prayed to god that he would be too drunk to open it.

"Open up. I won't hurt you. I just wanna talk."

"I don't wanna talk to you when you're like this"

"Open the fucking door Frank. I'm not kidding, I'll fucking tear it down."

And he did as he told me. I had no longer a bedroom door. I was terrified, curled up against the wall in my bed. He sat down next to me. He reeked of alcohol.

"Looks like it's just the two of us, buddy." I wasn't his buddy, I was his punching bag. Frank Antony the punching bag Iero. That had a nice ring to it.

"She'll come back, right?" I asked, afraid of the answer.

"If that bitch wants her things back, she'll have to." He said as he slurred his words.

" and If she wants you back in one piece, she'll have to"

"Threats don't work on her." It was the reason I loved my mom so much.

"No but they work on you, right?" He was right but I preferred not to answer.

"It isn't right. How can she love you more than me when you're just an useless fuck?"

"Ohh jeez, thanks dad."

"You wanna know the truth Frank?" He was an inch away from my face, looking me in the eyes.

" I. never. loved. you." "Never have, never will."

"God that's such a relief!! Being able to be finally be honest." He said, laughing as tears were running down my face.

"How..can you..say such things." I could barely talk.

"Oh poor fragile thing. I thought you would have killed yourself by now." He said pouting, amused by my reaction.

His cruelty had no limit.

He left my room, satisfied by the damage he had caused and went to his room. Two minutes later he was snoring. I was shaking and crying uncontrollably. I picked up my pocket knife from my pants on the floor and started cutting my wrist. Maybe I should die, maybe it would be best for everyone else. Maybe my dad was right and I didn't deserve to be loved.

Then I remembered Gerard's gift and what he had written on the inside of the cover. He must have cared about me. He must have seen something special in me.

I droped the knife.

My wrist was all bloody. Great. Now I would have to hide my scars in addition of my bruises.
I got up and washed my skin underneath the bathroom sink, as I caught my reflection in the mirror. I was a mess. I tried to smile to myself but tears were falling down my cheeks. I put a bunch of band-aids on my cuts and went back to bed. This felt like an emergency. I had to text Gerard.

To Gerard:
Sorry. I know it's late but can I see you tomorrow in addition to next Tuesday?

He replied almost instantly.

From Gerard:
No prob. I was awake. Okay for tomorrow. Wanna talk?

To Gerard:
Okay.

My phone rang two seconds later.

"Hey Frank."

"Hey." My voice cracked

"Have you been crying? You sound weird." Why did he always have to be so right.

"Yeah..mostly panic, you know, the usual."

"Sorry to hear that. Is there something I can do to help?"

"Just talk to me. Why are you up that late?"

"Rough night. I had to catch up with work. I'm organizing a group therapy on anger management and..it's a lot of work. Speaking of which, I have been meaning to ask you if you'd like to participate."

"Alright, anything that might help me I guess."

"You'll love it."

"..huh."

"You sure it's just panic, Frank?"

"Yes. No...it's my mom."

"Tell me what happened"

" She just..they were arguing, and she just left...she left me here."

"I'm pretty sure she's gonna calm down then she's gonna come back. She's pissed but she'll realize she has to come back and deal with her things in an appropriate way. It might not be tonight, tho, but trust me."

"I know it's just..my dad's drunk and he's so fucking mean. I should kill him in his sleep."

"You don't really mean that, do you?"

"He told me he never loved me." I said. I could barely breathe because of the pain I felt.

"He's drunk and angry and I'm not saying that to excuse him, on the contrary. You dad has some serious issues he needs to work on."

"I..I just wanna die at this point, you know?"

"Yeah..but don't. If you can't do it for you, at least do it for me tonight, alright? And we'll see each other tomorrow and I'll help you wipe those tears off your face, forever."

"I..okay."

"Will you pinky swear it?" He asked, his voice all soft.

"Yes, I pinky swear it." That sounded ridiculous but it was comforting in a way.

"Now try to sleep and I won't hang up before you do alright?"

"Okay."

My head was heavy, my eyes were sore, my stomach ached, everything hurt badly. I closed my eyes, squeezing my pillow as if it was Gerard. I just wanted him to take me in his arms and never let go. After a couple minutes, I checked if he was still on the line.

"Gerard?"

"Yes, darling?

"Thank you."

"You're welcome, Frank. I'll always be there for you. You can tell me anything you know? I won't be mad, I won't do anything that might upset you, I'll just listen and give you the best advice I can. And I might try to make you laugh with a couple puns that aren't that great, but that's just how I roll."

I laughed.

"Would you sing for me?"

"What do you want me to sing?"

"I don't know, anything."

"Don't worry, about a thing. Cause every little thing, is going to be alright..."

I feel asleep to the sound of his gorgeous voice. He always found the right words that helped me put my problems on perspective and come up with a solution on my own. He was a talented therapist and a good friend. I felt bad for having thinking about getting him out of my life.

I woke up with my phone still glued to my ear. What time was it? 1 pm. Omg, good thing it was the weekend. I went downstairs and my dad was nowhere to be seen. He must have been at work.

I was looking for something to eat when Gerard called.

"Hey, sleepy head. Ready for our session?"

"I..kinda just woke up..and I'm hungry but there's nothing in the fridge...so if you would just give me a couple min.."

"Say no more, be there in five."

He hanged up. I looked at my reflection in the t.v. I was in my underwear, my hair was all messy and I still had the marks of my phone stamped on my face. I rushed upstairs, putting on the first tshirt and pair of pants I could find and tried to fix my hair with a bit of water. I heard a knock on the door. That would have to do.

He was standing on my doorstep with a bag of Mcdonald's in a hand and a tray with soft drinks in the other.

"I brought lunch!" He said, lifting up the bag, proud of himself.

"Thanks so much!" I said, as my belly growled.

"You sound like you are starving. Should I come in?"

"Oh yeah, sorry." I said, still hypnotized by the bag he was shaking under my nose.

We sat down in the kitchen. I took my big mac and shoved it in my mouth like if I hadn't eaten in days.

"I've been thinking.." He said, between two bites. Him thinking wasn't always good news.

"You could move in with your mom if you wanted."

"I'll ask her when I'll see her, if ever again." I said, sipping on my drink.

"It's just an idea."

"Yeah I'll think about it."

"Did you get some news about the whole costudy thing?" I asked, wanting to know a bit more about him.

"Oh..hum.. Yeah..I really did tell you about this.." He said, thinking out loud.

"I'm kinda still working on it with my lawyer but in the mean time I can still see her every two weekends."

"That's great. What's her name?"

"Alice."

"Do you have a picture?"

He opened his wallet and showed me a picture of her dressed like a princess, drinking tea. Gerard was sitting beside her, smiling, wearing a tiara on his head.

"We were having a tea party when that picture was taken." he said, looking proud. Even tho she wasn't his biological daughter, she looked just like him.

"She's as adorable as her daddy. Make sure to bring that picture in court. The whole jury is gonna melt."

He laughed but his face was now all serious, even a little sad. I wished I had not mention the whole court thing.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.."

"It's okay. It's just, I miss it you know? The whole being a family thing. Not that I would ever considered taking my ex back but..I miss being able to see her whenever I want. I just had to open a door and there she was..and now, everytime I look at her empty bedroom, I can't help but cry."

I wished I could have taken all his pain away with a smile but I had not the same effect on him than he had on me.

"It must be hard..I'm sorry I've mentionned it.."

"No don't be. My job is to listen to people's problems. It's nice to be able to share mine from time to time."

"Why did things ended with your ex?"

"Oh huhm, I'm not sure I'm..that it's okay for me to..that I should..I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about this."

"Whenever you feel like it, I'll be there." I said.

"I promise I'll..tell you about it, once I'm ready but if I do, you'll have to tell me the truth behind that black eye you had, two weeks ago, deal?" I hated his stupid deals. They were always in his favor, not mine.

"Deal" I said, clearly annoyed.

I was about to take another sip of my drink when Gerard's eyes became all serious.

"Why so many band aids on your wrist?"

"Ohh I..." Damn. I should have been more careful.

"Please don't tell me it's cause you've fell down the stairs at school, Frank. I won't let this one go, tell me the truth."

"I did this yesterday, before I called you." I said, ashamed of myself.

"Can I see it?"

"No..I.." Before I could say anything, he had removed the first band-aid on my wrist.

"It's pretty deep but it was more to stop the sadness than to die, wasn't it?"

"Yeah.." He was right. I had just wanted to stop feeling so sad all the time. It was exhausting.

He removed the other ones carefully, took out an emergency kit from his bag then began to apply rubbing alcohol on my scars. He was so careful and thoughtful. He would have made a good nurse.

"It's gonna hurt but then it'll feel better."

He took out a huge bandage from the kit and put it on my the inside of my wrist.

"Take it off in a day or two. Let the skin breathe and it'll heal in no time."

He took a sharpie out of his bag and started drawing a butterfly on the bandage.

"When it's healed you should draw one on your wrist everytime you feel like cutting. That way it'll remind you of me and hopefully you won't do it."

My eyes were filled with tears but I didn't want to cry in front of him. I felt so vulnerable and confused.

"You have to promise me to take better care of yourself from now on, okay?" He said, wiping my tears with his fingers.

"I promise, I'm sorry." I said, still ashamed to be so depressed.

"Don't be." He smiled. It made me smile too. How did he always do that? I didn't know. But everytime Gerard would look me in the eyes and smile, all the sadness, all the pain and anger was gone. He was like magic.

"Where's your dad at?" He asked, looking around.

"No idea. He wasn't there when I woke up."

"Yeah like twenty minutes ago" he said, patting my head.

"Hey that's called style alright?"

"Ohh, sorry Mr. Iero. I think it's called the pillow hair style right?"

"Shut up" I said, punching him on the shoulder.

"You won't get away with this." He said, his eyes all threatning.

"Mr. Tickles wants his fix. He won't stop until he hears you screaming." He said, both hands ready to attack me.

He started chasing me around the house.

I ended up crawling on the sofa, begging him (well, begging Mr. Tickles more particularly) to stop. I was the most ticklish person ever and he was proud to have found out. He finally stopped when I couldn't breathe anymore.

He layed down on top of me on the couch, catching his breath.

"You're gorgeous." I said, sliding a hand through his hair.

"So are you." He answered, caught up in the moment.

He leaned in to kiss me but then stopped.

"I can't...I'm sorry, I can't do this." He said, getting up quickly.

"But..I want you to." I said, trying to make him come back next to me.

"You're 17 for fuck's sake.. You're just a child. What the fuck's wrong with me?"

"I'll be 18 in two months. I'm not a fucking child, Gerard." I told him, pissed off.

"I..I have to go. Will you give me some time? I really need to think about this.."

"Of..of course..anything you need." I told him. It wouldn't be the first time I would end up disappointed, would it?

"You can still call me if anything happens or you need to talk and we'll still see each other Tuesday. I don't want you to mention this to anybody alright? I could end up losing you..and I don't want to. I feel like we're making so much progress together..I.."

"I won't tell anyone and I won't mention this until you tell me you're ready to talk about it." I was mature, I just had to prove it to him.

"Thank you Frank, I really appreciate it." He said, gathering his things in a hurry then heading to the door.

"See you." I told him, feeling practically numb. All hope had abandoned me once again.

"See you soon." He said, looking me directly in the eyes. Mine were filled with tears again.

He was about to enter in his car when suddently he came back towards me. He hugged me and kissed me on the cheek tenderly.

"Don't forget you promised to take care of yourself." He kissed my forehead. Hell, at this point, he could've just kissed me on the lips.

"I won't" I said, hugging him back.

He came back in his car and waved before disappearing in the same direction that my mom had taken the night before.

Notes

Frank deserves a big hug after this one :(