The Only Way

I couldn't get up the next morning, I was throwing up everything that entered my stomach and my whole body was aching so bad that I couldn't move. Gerard spent the day with me, no tasking any questions nor making any comments on the state of my body. I wouldn't have had the strength to answer him and he knew it.

The day after, he cancelled his plans to take care of me since I could barely get up. It was more an emotional breakdown than something physical. I had almost forget everything that had happened, I couldn't remember why I ended up in that state.

''You cut yourself, smoked and drank till you were unconscious, that I get. But I don't think you could've beat yourself up that way. What happened after I left you here alone?'' He asked, trying to figure out why I was in such state.

''I ..went for a walk, like half an hour after you left. I remember I was bored and wanted to get some fresh air.'' I explained as the memories came back all on top of each other.

''Then...I just..I went back to my old house.''

''It's your dad...?'' He said, sure that I would say yes.

''No..I don't think so.'' I answered. I would've probably remember if it had anything to do with my dad, I thought.

''Then who?'' He asked, desperate for someone to blame.

''I came back home..maybe I fell down or something.'' I said, not really trying to remember.

Whatever was hiding there must have been painful.

''No..babe..please.Make an effort.'' He said, caressing my head.

''Can we change the subject and then if something comes up I will tell you?'' I asked, my eyes closing.

''Okay my love, I'll be in my office. Try to sleep a bit.'' He said, kissing the top of my head.
I woke up at midnight, Gerard was sleeping next to me. I didn't want to wake him up but I ended up kicking him in the side while trying to get out of the covers he had tuck me in.

''..WHAT?'' He yelled in panic.

''Nothing, babe, I was just trying to get up.'' I said, mad at myself.

He stretched his arms and put them around my waist to cuddle. My reaction was instant and priceless. I pushed him away so hard that he fell off the bed.

''Frank? What the fuck?'' He yelled.

''So..rry. I..didn't expect you would grab me this way.'' I said, unpleasant flashes of the hands of a man grabbing me.

''Like I'm your boyfriend?'' He asked, pissed off but amused by my pitiful explanation.

''Yeah..nevermind. I'm tensed, that's all.'' I said, thinking that memory came from a dream.

''Alright, get over here, I'll make you relax,'' He said, putting his hands around me once again.
My reaction was exactly the same than before. He didn't fell down this time cause he was prepared.

''Frank...'' He said, his eyes all threatening.

''I can't help it! I'm sorry.'' I said as tears began to fall down my cheeks.

''Babe...what happened to you?'' He said changing his attitude completely.

''I don't know! I can't...'' I said, beginning to hyperventilate.

''Alright, calm down, Frank. Please. I won't touch you again.'' He said.

''You can take my hand but on't touch my chest or my legs. It’s unbearable.'' I explained, trying to catch my breath.

''Does it hurt?'' He asked, completely clueless.

''It..I..think someone..''Then a flash back invaded my brain, tearing everything apart,disgusting me to my guts. Vincent. His hands on me. His treath. His eyes lacking humanity.
I started shaking uncontrollably.

''Shh...''Gerard said, caressing the top of my head.

''Follow the sound of my voice, Frank.I'm there withyou. You don't have to go throught that ordeal alone.

After a couple minutes I came back to reality, my body completely soft, my mind absent from my brain, I couldn't think nor could I feel.

''Here take that, it'll help you sleep.'' Gerard said, giving me a small orange pill.

I swallowed it without water and fifteen minutes later I was in heaven, completely relaxed.
''What did you gave me?'' I asked him, smiling.

''It's a sedative. I got that from Mikey. He said it could help for your panic attacks but he didn't want me to give you the whole bottle to prevent you from abusing it.

''Yeah...that shit's the bomb.'' I said, laughing like I had said the most hilarious thing in the world.

''I'm glad to see you happy my love but it won't be a permanent solution.'' He said, schooling me.

''Of course, mommy, of course.'' I said, caressing his hands.

''Now try to sleep. You need some rest and I do to.'' He said, yawning.

''I wanna cuddle badly.'' I said, reaching for his body.

''Are you sure...?'' He asked, hesitant.

''Yeah...Humm..so soft.'' I said, caressing his back.

''I think I needed cuddles more than sex.'' He said, giggling. He turned around and let me hug him tightly.

''I could stay here forever. No food, no nothing. Just you and well..those pills, holyshit. I never felt so relaxed in my whole life.'' I said, kissing his neck.

''I'm happy to help.'' He said, mumbling.

I woke up the next morning while Gerard was on the phone.

''But I'm sure he didn't do this by himself. I can't touch him Mike. Something must have happened.''Gerard said,walking around the bed.

I acted like I was still asleep,intrigued by the conversation he had.

''No. It's different this time, trust me, I know.'' He said, arguing.

''Mike would you please...alright, alright, I'm listening.'' He answered.

''Yeah, Vincent came visit me at the office yesterday. He was pretty wasted. It's the freaking festival of self-destruction.'' He said, trying to explain to his brother what had happened.

That fucking dirty bastard.Crawling back to Gerard. I couldn't believe what he was saying.

''He said he wanted me back, again..You know him..'' He said, discouraged.

''No I didn't kissed him! Mike..comeon.'' He said, insulted.

''Yeah..it's true. I...Idon't know why I did it. He was pretty convincing.'' He said.

What did Gerard had done? I needed to know.

''Ishould've left him there but..I didn't want him to take his car. He could've killed someone..I mean..He was in a pretty bad shape and couldn't find his keys.'' He explained.

So Gerard had take Vincent home...in his car. The man who had abused me, talking to my boyfriend, sitting in my car seat. Awful.

''I love Frank, Mike. I know you love him too. Let's put that aside. He needs our help.'' He said.

''He's downstairs..I'll make him leave before Frank sees him.'' He said.

Vincent was here? Holyfuck...

''Half a bottle...yeah...he found my stash and went through it. Huh...yeah,all over his fucking arms.''

He said,commenting the fact that I had cut myself when I had promised I wouldn't.

''I can't touch him, Mike.Why would he let you?'' He said, pissed off.

''Nooo..for fuck's sake.'' He said,yelling in his phone.

''Fuck.'' He said, as he hang up.

''Frank..babe...wake up.'' He said,shaking my arm.

''Huhh? Yeah?'' I said, faking that he had wake me up.

''Get up, I'll make you breakfast.'' He said, smiling at me.

''I'm not hungry at all.'' I answered.My stomach was in knots and I didn't wanna see Vincent who was downstairs, apparently,chilling in our living room after what he had done to me!

''You need to eat. And..Mikey's coming here. Tell me if you don't wanna see him.I'll send him back home.'' He said softly.

''I don't wanna see him.He's friend with a psycho. I don't want him to collect information on me onlyto tell him after.'' I said,reaching for the covers and burring my head under them.

''What are you talking about?'' He asked.

''Nevermind...''I said as I remembered Vincent's threat.

''No...tell me.'' He said, lifting the covers up,exposing my bruised body.

''Gee? Do you want coffee? I made some.'' Vincent said.

For a moment there, it felt like breathing underwater. I completely froze, unable to say anything. Vincent was at our bedroom door, wearing Gerard's pjs...Was I hallucinating?

''Nah, thanks.''Gerard said, as if it was the most natural thing.

''Hey buddy, feeling any better?'' Vincent asked with the most sincere smile I had ever seen. What an actor. He could've won a grammy on the spot and I would've voted for him.

''He's not so good as you can see.''Gerard said, pointing my body.

''Self-harming is hurting other people, Frank, not just you. I wish there was something Icould do to make you feel better'' He said,schooling me as if Ihad done it all by myself.

''What's he doing here?Get the fuck out.'' I finally answered.

''Hey..come on Frank, He may be my ex but let's try to be civil here. Vincent is just trying to be nice.''Gerard said.

''Go fuck yourself, both of you.'' Isaid, pissed off that Gerard had let that piece of shit invade our privacy.

''Alright.''Gerard said,pushing gentlyVincent out of my room and following him.

I got up and put a pair of pants and a t-shirt on but it wasn't enough.I needed a fucking spacesuit to protect myself from that snake but I settled for a hoodie.

I wanted to tell Gerard what Vincent had done but I couldn't.What if he would rape me like he said he would? I could never let anyone touch me again after that and it would ruin my relationship with Gerard. I needed to trust Gerard, he was smart enough to figure it out on his own. I took my lighter and my cigarette pack and went downstairs, straight to the front door. I heard them laugh together. There was no way that bastard would have the pleasure to see me act like nothing had happened.

''Hey..ohh..where yougoing?''Asked Mike as I was about to shut the door behind me.
''I can't stay here. Idon't care where I'm going as long as it's anywhere but here.'' I told him.

He stood in front of me so that Icouldn't pass.

''Let me take a look.'' He said, looking at my swollen eye.

''Does it hurt?'' He asked.

''Yeah..''

''You didn't dot his all by yourself, right?Did you ask April to punch you? Did you two had a fight?'' He asked.

''Nope. I fell down the stairs..Idon't know what happened.'' I answered, avoiding his eyes. My classic answer whenever I got beat up.

''Do you believe yourself at least? Cause I'm not buying that.'' He said,pushing me back gently so I would'nt leave.

''I need to go, Mike. Follow me if you want but I'm out of here.'' I said, insisting

''Alright, let's walk for a bit .'' He said, finally moving.

We didn't talk till the house was out of sight. After a while he stopped to sit on a bench and I lit up a smoke.

''Did something happened with Gee?'' He asked,stealing a smoke from my pack.

''Vincent is there and he's the last person I wanna see.'' I said, shrugging.

''Feeling a little threaten?'' He asked.

I laughed. He had no idea how accurate he was.

''You shouldn't be. It's more than dead between Vince and Gee.'' He said, patting myshoulder. I jumped and moved a few inches away from him.

''Woah.. sorry Frank...I..know things have been awkward between us but I would never hurt you or force you into anything. Are you aware of that? When I said I lovedyou, I really meant it,even tho you don't feel the same way.'' He explained, sadness on his face.

''I know..that's not it.'' I said, not wanting to reaveal anything. Vincent was Mikey's best friend afterall. I was sure he would choose him over me in an heartbeat.

''What is it then?'' He asked.

''You talked to Vincent about me.'' I told him, knowing he would probably deny it. I needed to figure out if I could trust him or not.

''How the hel ldo you know that?'' He asked, surprised and ashamed.

''Cause he told me he would tell my dad where I'm living so he could beat me up.'' I said,nervously.

''Is that what happened?'' He asked, concerned.

''Do you think Gerard's face would still be intact if it was the case?'' I asked.

''Yeah..you got a point there. But wait...when did you see Vincent?'' He asked, slowly putting the pieces of the puzzle together.

''Last night.'' I answered between my teeth.

''Omg..'' He said, figuring it all out.

''Yup'' Isaid.

''How could he?When he knows how much I...'' He asked himself in disbelief.

''And he wentl ooking for Gerard after...holyshit.'' He said,still surprised.

I nodded.

''My love, I'm sorry. Him and I will have a serious talk about this.'' He said.

''You can't.'' I answered in panic.

''Why? I mean,Gerard will kick his ass out the minute he finds out and there goes your problem.'' He said,pointing a trashcan.

''Cause you can't..'' I said, insisting.

''Frank, come on.''

''If you love me, really love me, you will keep your mouth shut.'' I pleaded. I hated using this card against him but I had no choice.

''And what do I get in return beside watching you destroy yourself?'' He asked, his face down.

''My eternal gratitude?.''I asked, still pleading.

''Ah-ha...Frank that's not..'' He said before I interrupted him.

''Please.'' I begged with puppy eyes.

''Alright, but can you explain me why you're so afraid?'' He said.

''No, I can't.'' I told him, all secretive.

''That's not fair Frank, you're playing with my feelings.'' He said, crossing his arms.

''I don't have a choice.'' Isaid, my eyes fixed upon the ground.

''He threatned to do something..'' He said,thinking out loud.

'''You really won't tell me what it is?''He pleaded.

''No. I can't. Next thing you know he'll deny everything, blaming it on tmy jealousy'' I said.

''How stupid do you think Gerard is?'' He asked.

''Very stupid when it comes to his ex.'' I noted.

''Yeah, he knows how to manipulate Gerard, that's true. Vincent was..so sweet before he met him. I...'' He said, head down.

''You think Gerard made him that way?!'' I asked, insulted by his words.

''I'm just...no..It's both of them..they weren't meant to be and they destroyed themselves trying to make it work when it was a lost cause from the beginning.'' He explained.

''He's a fucking monster, Mikey. Vincent can rot in hell for all I care.'' I yelled at his face.

''Woah. Calm the fuck down, Iero. You're no sweetheart either when it comes to treating him like shit.'' He said, defending him,

''That's exactly why I should've shut my fucking mouth.'' Isaid, getting up.

''Please....Frank.'' He said, taking my hand.

''LET GO OF ME or I'll cut your fucking throath open.'' I said, completely overwhelmed by anger.

He let go of my hand instantly, looking scared that I might hit him.

''Woah..'' He said, before I sat down next tohim.

''Sorry...I'm just..I'm'' I said,lacking words.

''I know..I'm sorry too.'' He said,looking sad.

''It's not your fault Mikey, I'm under a lot of stress.'' I said, apologizing.

''Vincent touched you right?'' He asked.

''Kinda.''

''Ican't believe he would do that...'' He said, shaking his head.

''Can you tell me where? Like..there?'' He asked, a little awkwardly, pointing my crotch.

I nodded.

''Excuse me if I don't wanna go on with all the details, I'm trying to erase that memory from my brain.'' I explained.

''He not only, hurt you but he hurt me too.'' Mikey answered, pointing his heart.

''Why?'' I asked.

''Cause I love you, Frank.'' He said, staring straight into my eyes.

''Mike, cut the crap.'' I answered, rolling my eyes over the sky.

''Nah, you don't wanna hear it but you don't get to choose how Ifeel.'' He said, obviously hurt.

''I know. I'm sorry..I..''

''Don't be. You'll be alright. As long as you're happy, I'm happy.'' He said, smiling like an idiot.
Part of me wanted to ask him if he really thought, at this moment, that I was truly happy with all the stuff his bestfriend had done to me but I was tired of fighting so I settled on something else.

''Is it really true?'' I asked, not really convinced.

''Of course, sweetheart. I thought about the whole thing with Suzan. I shouldn't have done that. I regret it bitterly. I think I'll die regrettin git.''

''Don't be so dramatic, Mike.'' I told him, punching his shoulder softly.

''I won't say a word about Vincent but I'll keep him at distance. I won't tell him anything about you anymore.I'm sorry he acted that way.

I wished you could've met him before he turned into a creep.''He said.That's when I figured out he must have fallen in love with him, a long time ago.

''I don't wanna hear about how sweet he was, Mike. I really don't care.'' I explained.

''I know .I've lost a friend today but I got to make another one.'' He said,smiling at me.

''You're Gerard's bro. Icouldn't hate you forever.''I answered.

''You hated me? Really?'' He asked,surprised.

'' I hated what you did. I was mad at you but I'm ready to give you another chance.'' I said,patting his shoulder.

We both stared at our feet for awhile. The wind was getting chilly and I shivered from the cold.

''Are you ready to go back and confront Vincent?'' He said, offering me his hand.

''Yeah let's go.'' I answered, knowing that nothing bad could happen now that he was on my side.

Notes

Cause we are all a bunch of liars
Tell me baby, who do you wanna be?