The Only Way

“He was one of my patient. Now he is Mikey’s patient.’’ Gerard said, talking about me.
‘’Why?’’ Alice asked.

‘’Because I can’t date a patient. It’s frown upon. It’s a rule grown-ups have. So Mikey decided to help him.’’

‘’Why does Frank needs help?’’ She asked, curious.

‘’Because…of many things, that are somewhat personal, my love. You could always ask him once you know him more. Maybe he will open up to you.’’ He said,

‘’Will he be here every time I come?’’ She asked.

‘’Probably. I sorta asked him to come live here with me and he accepted.’’

‘’Ohh…will he take my bedroom?’’ She asked, a bit disappointed.

‘’No, nothing’s gonna change. You’ll just have a new daddy, well, a funnier daddy who won’t be annoying like me.’’

‘’That’s a lot of daddies.’’ She said, laughing.

‘’Yeah, I know. When Vincent will fall in love with someone, you’ll have four.’’ Gerard said, laughing with her.

‘’He never plays with me anymore.’’ She said, sadness filling her voice.

‘’There is nothing I can do about it, sweetheart. Maybe you should tell him that you miss him.’’ Gerard said, in attempt to reassure her. I could feel all the heaviness on his heart.

‘’I will. I can never talk about you anymore. I always tell him how much fun we have together and he gets mad at me.’’ She said, desperate to find a solution to her problem.

‘’Remind him of all the good times you had, just the two of you.’’ He answered.

‘’Like the time we went to the park and he jumped in a big poodle and lost one of his boots?’’ she said, cheering up. Alice was the happiest little girl I’ve ever known, not that I have known a lot. She was always positive and strong. This was certainly part of her education, Gerard seemed to take care of her really well. It made me wonder if I would ever want a child of my own. That was a weird thought considering my age.

I decided it was time to make them realise I had wake up. I started to move and yawn in the most obvious way.

‘’Morning sleepy head’’ Gerard said, kissing me on the cheek.

‘’Morning’’ I said, opening my eyes and smiling to both of them.

‘’Alice, do you know what Frank likes the most in the morning?’’ Gerard said, a maleficent look on his face.

‘’A visit from Mr. TICKLES!!!! ’’ He said, as he started to tickle me.

Alice started laughing and joined in as I was struggling to catch my breath. Those two combined were the worse. They tickled me till I had to beg for them to stop.

‘’Alright, alright, enough Alice, Frank can’t breathe.’’ Gerard said, proud of himself.
‘’You are so mean, telling her it’s my favorite thing!’’ I said, still panting.

Then we all went downstairs to eat pancakes that Gerard made. They were the most delicious pancakes I ever tasted. I put all the syrup I could on it and ate them in no time.
‘’Someone was hungry’’ Gerard said, looking at my empty plate.

‘’Yeah..my parents never made breakfast at home. These are so good!’’ I said, a bit too intense.

‘’Why don’t you live with your parents anymore?’’ Alice asked.

‘’Euhmm, me and my dad are not in good terms and my mom passed away recently.’’ I said with my best poker face.

‘’Ohh..okay’’ She answered.

‘’Hey there!!!!’’ Mikey shouted, surprising everyone, saving me from a conversation I didn’t really want to have.

‘’Hey to you, brother. Want some breakfast?’’ Gerard asked.

‘’Nah I’m good. I’m here to see my favorite niece.’’ Mikey said as Alice was jumping in her uncle arms.

‘’MIKEY!! Come in my room, I have a gift for you!!’’ Alice said, excited like I had never seen her.

‘’Alright, sorry guys, I’m needed somewhere else.’’ He said, as he disappeared with Alice hand in hand.

‘’A little moment to ourselves. I’ve been dying to do this.’’ Gerard said as he kissed me on the lips.

He lifted me up on the counter and stand between my legs. He kissed me again, using more tongue than I expected.

‘’I want to make love to you tonight.’’ He said as he was getting hard.

‘’I..babe..come on, they could come back any minutes.’’ I said, uncomfortable.

‘’Don’t be a tease, Frankie, I want you really bad.’’ He said, with fire in his eyes, caressing my crotch.

‘’Gee..stop..I don’t..’’ I said, trying to get off the counter.

‘’Is it because of Vincent again?’’ He asked, pissed off, letting go of me.

‘’No, it’s just…Alice is there and Mikey and…I don’t want to get hard and not be able to do anything about it.’’ I answered truthfully.

‘’Come with me then.’’ He said, not giving me a choice to follow him.

We went outside and Gerard unlocked the door of a shed in the backyard. I was expecting to see at least a mower or some tools for the garden but it was in fact a secret hideout. There was a small couch, a stereo, a refrigerator and it was nicely decorated.

‘’That’s where I go when I need some peace and quiet.’’ He said, sitting down on the couch. He invited me to sit down next to him.

‘’You have a whole house to yourself and you decide to chill here?’’ I said, looking around.

‘’Yeah, I feel isolated from the rest of the world here. I come to smoke cigarettes among other things.’’ He said, pointing a small box the side table.

‘’Drugs are bad, mister Way.’’ I said, teasing him. I had never smoked a joint in my life but I knew a couple kids did in the parties I wasn’t invited to anymore.

‘’Yeah but I’m a bad man, mister Iero.’’ He said, licking his lips. He started caressing me again. I knew this time I wouldn’t be able to resist his sexual advances.

‘’Let’s smoke a bit, it will calm you down.’’ He said, opening a small box where he kept his weed. He lit up a joint that had been already rolled. I choked on the first puffs I took and started to cough my lungs out.

‘’That’s gonna hit hard, babe.’’ He said, laughing.

‘’Yeah, no shit.’’ I said, my head was starting to feel a bit dizzy.

‘’Sit down next to me, babe. I will give you a massage.’’ He said, as I tried to catch up my breath.

I sat down and he rub his hand around my hips, up to my spine till I let out a moan. He turned me around and made me lay down on my back, caressing my inner tights.

‘’Frankie, relax, for fuck’s sake. You’re tense in all the wrong places.’’ He said, as he was trying to make me hard.

‘’I’m sorry, babe.’’ I answered. I wasn’t playing hard to get, I was sincerely uncomfortable having sex in a creepy shed. I was sure someone would walk out on us any moment.

‘’Our secret is out now, babe. Everyone knows we’re together. What are you so afraid of?’’ He asked.

‘’To be inappropriate in front of Alice.’’ I answered.

‘’She won’t come here, the door is locked, now would you please let me touch you a bit?’’ He said, impatient.

‘’With that attitude, nope.’’ I answered. I hated the way he was in such a hurry to fuck me.
I didn’t know if it was the drugs hitting or how I felt truly but he was getting on my nerves.

‘’Fuck, Frank, seriously. What the fuck will it take for you to start to act like you want me back?’’ He said, obviously pissed.

‘’I do want you back, just not like this.’’ I said, trying to explain. I was still really hurt by the whole story with Vincent. I had to get used to the fact that he would probably come here to drop off Alice more often than I would ever dream of. He was still part of his life, he would always be. I hated him so much that it blinded me from the fact that I was hurting Gerard.

‘’Alright, I’m done trying.’’ He said, walking out the door and leaving me alone in his creepy ass shed.

I sat there for a moment, thinking about how my attitude had ruin everything. It wasn’t all my fault tho, he was insistent and I hated having to remind him that I needed time to get comfortable around the idea of living in the same house than Vincent and him used to live. It was affecting me more than I cared to admit. With all the games he had played, I didn’t really trust Gerard anymore. I was angry at him for letting me rot for two weeks, only showing up when I had decided to give up. It was always like that with Gerard, giving up and giving in, no middle. He gave me his worse while I gave him my best.

After half an hour, I got tired to sit in the dark and decided to go back in the house. Gerard was sitting in the living room, reading one of his patient file. I was still stoned out of my mind.
‘’Where’s everyone?’’ I asked, looking around.

‘’Mikey brought Alice to the playground with Suzanne.’’ He said, coldly.

I tilt my head to see the name on the file only to find out it was mine.

‘’What are you doing?’’ I asked.

‘’I’m trying to figure out some things.’’ He said, concentrated, not lifting his eyes off the paper.

‘’Which are?’’ I asked, not satisfied with the answer he gave me.

‘’Did someone ever abused you, I mean, sexually?’’ He asked with a straight face. What the hell was he trying to do? Turn me off for good? Cause this was what was coming.

‘’How dare you?’’ I asked, not understanding what it had to do with anything. Why did he wanted to talk about this now?

‘’I’m just asking, Frank, you don’t have to react that way. Sit down, please.’’ He said, all calm while I just wanted to punch him in the face.

‘’My dad beat me up, for years, Gerard, for fucking years, don’t you think it’s enough reason to be the way that I am? Nooo…you have to come up with this twisted idea to explain why I don’t wanna have sex with you. It never crossed your mind that it could be the attitude you had for months? That you screwed this yourself when it had not even started??’’ I asked, letting it all off my chest. He needed to know how much he had made me suffer.

‘’You didn’t answer my question, Frank.’’ He said, his eyes darker than I ever seen.
‘’No, fucker.’’ I answered, not caring if I would insult him or not.

‘’Alright, when you’re ready to open up, I will be here.’’ He said, starting to read and ignoring me.

‘’I won’t open up to you now, that you can be sure of.’’ I mumbled under my breath.
‘’There’s always Mikey. You can talk to him if you’re not comfortable talking to me.’’ He said. He was acting like my therapist again and it was the most annoying thing in the world. I remained silent, I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction he was looking for.

‘’You’re not really convincing, honey. Your legs are shaking and your face is twitching.’’ He said, pointing out my nervousness.

‘’Yeah, I’m still pretty stoned. Why do you have to bring that up now? For what purpose exactly?’’

‘’I’m just trying to help.’’ He said.

‘’Nope, now you’re just ruining everything.’’ I said, tears falling down my cheek. Good, he had done it. Now I would never let him touch me again.

‘’Sit down, Frank.’’

‘’You wanna know the truth?? YOU acted like a fucking wacko with your friend Laurence, acting like you wanted to rape me and Suzanne and Mike…’’ I stopped there, I had said too much already.

‘’Suzanne and Mike? Finish that thought, please’’ He said, calmly.

‘’No..it’s all forgiven.’’ I said, knowing that Mikey would never forgive me for mentioning this to his brother.

‘’If it’s forgiven, you can talk to me about it, don’t you?’’ He said, taking my hand, trying to calm me down.

‘’One night, Suzanne had too much to drink and she started hitting on me..and she took it too far. She apologized the next morning. There was just an awful rapey vibe.’’ I said, trying to excuse her. The last thing I wanted to do was to start family drama in a family that was already full of it.

‘’What did Mikey do about it?’’ He asked, still calm.

‘’Nothing, he watched.’’ I said, sobbing.

‘’He watched?’’ He asked, still remaining calm.

‘’You can’t blame him, you know how you get when you’re drunk.’’ I said.

‘’No, I don’t know.’’ He said. Was he being serious?

‘’You get all weird and rapey too.’’ I said.

‘’Yeah, and you know how you get when you’re drunk?’’ He asked, losing his calm.
‘’Suicidal and pathetic. So which one is better? Tell me.’’

‘’None. We are both equally as bad, you happy now?’’ I said, trying to make him realise it was the worse topic to bring up while someone was stoned.

‘’Do I look happy to you Frank?’’ He answered.I nodded. His face was all tensed and I couldn’t bare his eyes on me. He looked like he was going to break my heart in every way he could find.

‘’I’m pathetic?’’ I started to ask myself, trying to figure out why those words kept resounding in my brain.

‘’I didn’t mean that exactly. We all have our problems. I just hate the fact that I can’t help you with yours anymore. I feel fucking helpless and I wanna shake it out of you.’’ He said as an excuse for his awful behavior.

‘’It doesn’t work that way, Gee. You’re just hurting me now.’’ I said, breaking down in tears.
Of all the moment, Mikey couldn’t have picked a worse one to come back home with Alice.

‘’What’s going on?’’ Mikey asked, seeing my face.

‘’Nothing.’’ I said, trying to walk away but Mikey was blocking the way.

‘’That doesn’t seem like it’s nothing.’’ He said, pointing my eyes that were red and bulging. I looked really trashed.

‘’Are you high or are you crying?’’ He asked me.

‘’He’s both. Now please calm down and sit with us. We can talk about this like adults.’’ Gerard said, closing my file and putting it on the shelf.

‘’So you both are stoned out of your minds, but why is he crying?’’ He asked, pointing at me.

‘’Because you and Suzanne tried to rape him.’’ He said, with a hint of satisfaction in his eyes. He was deforming the truth and he was enjoying the color of Mikey’s face that had turned to red.

‘’I don’t know what to say…I thought..you forgave me and that was behind us. I must have been wrong.’’ Mikey said, feeling ashamed.

‘’I didn’t say you tried to rape me. I was just explaining how you both can be creepy when you’re trashed. And I’m crying because he said I was pathetic and suicidal.’’ I said, trying to calm Mikey down.

‘’Wow, Gee. I see all those years of hard work in school finally paid off.’’ Mikey said, sarcastically.

‘’I said I didn’t mean it after.’’ Gerard said, excusing himself.

‘’After is too late, Gee. I leave you two three fucking hours and you find the time to hurt each other.’’ He said, shaking his head in disbelief.

We all sat there not talking for a moment. I started to realise this fight made no sense at all and could’ve been easily avoided. We both needed to stop acting like children around each other and then we could grow as a couple.

‘’Where’s Alice?’’ Gerard asked, suddenly realising she wasn’t in the room.
‘’She’s still at the mall with Suzan, I was getting bored of sitting on a bench, waiting for them so I came back’’ Mikey said, heading towards the entrance.

‘’I’ll leave you two alone, sort your shit out for god’s sake.’’

Mike left us there, a strange atmosphere in the room as if none of use wanted to be the first to talk.

‘’I’m sorry…’’ Gerard said as I interrupted him, saying the same thing.

‘’I’m sorry, babe, really, I’m just…this week has been exhausting and I was so looking forward to spend some quality time with you, alone..that I just got pissed when you wouldn’t have sex with me. It sounds stupid, because it is.’’Gerard said, sighing so hard that his hair floated for a second.

‘’I’m sorry I am grumpy and distant. Seeing Vincent was a reminder that he will always be in your life and I’m not over it yet. I was so scared that you would leave me for him…’’ I said as tears fell down my face.

'' Baby, my darling Frankie, you're all I'll ever want '' Gerard said, taking me in his arms.

''I love you so much.'' I said, still sobing as he kissed me.

Gerard put his hoodie on my shoulders as I was shaking. It wasn't from the cold tho. I was shivering because of the intensity of the feelings I had for him. I loved him so much that somehow it hurt. It was always a matter of time before I h break down and give in to that stress that was always in the pit of my stomach, an harsh reminder that nothing about my life was under my control.

''Hush baby, stop overthinking, I'm there, I'm yours, forever.'' he said kissing the top of my head as if he felt that I was hurting.

''Can we just forget anything happened? '' I asked, my eyes filled with hope.

''Of course my love…but..'' he said, hesitating.

'' I still want to talk about the sexual abuse you obviously suffered from » he said, carefully choosing his words so that I wouldn't jump on him.

''Can't you let it go…? Please there's nothing to say.'' I pleaded.

''Frank, you have to tell me so that I don't turn you off or hurt you without knowing it.''

''Don't make me feel like I'm an object, like I owe you something, like I absolutly need to have sex with you or else I will lose you and it'll be okay.''

''What happened to you my love. I feel your heart breaking everytime I want to touch you. Is it…is it him..that..?'' he said, reffering to my dad.

''He never touch me like that. He just made me feel like I was his thing, that I owe him life therefore he could do anything to me.'' I said, thinking about all the beatings I had went through.

''When you treat me like I’m shit, when you tell me I am pathetic…I…hear him through your voice, I see him in your eyes..it's like I'm in my old room, it's like I'm still trapped there.'' I said, choking on my tears.

'' Frankie, my darling, I would never hurt you. You deserve to be love properly…sometimes..I just can't. I never learned how to..'' he said, head down.

''Let's learn together then. I will tell you when you go too far and you can tell me when you feel rejected.''

''Communication is the key they say heh? ''he said, a smile on the corners of his lips.

'' I love you, silly.'' I said, kissing him tenderly.

'' Let's watch a movie and cuddle. I just wanna be in your arms and never have to get up.'' he said, laying down his head on my shoulder.

My stomach was still in knots as he got up and put the first movie he saw. Beside Gerard I always felt a mixt of pleasure and pain. I loved him so much that it hurt, I wanted him so bad that everytime we would kiss it felt like a dream I never wanted to wake up from.

Notes