The Only Way

"Ohh shit!" Mikey shouted when he saw Vincent arms crossed, waiting for us in the driveway.

Gerard got out of the car quickly letting me know that I should stay inside the car and let him do the talking. Everything was at stake; his life, his fucking battle for costudy, his little daughter that he loved more than anything in the world and of course, the future of our relationship. I stayed in the car as Mikey and Gerard started to argue with Vincent. I didn't hear anything and I didn't want to get out. I wanted to cheerish the moment before everything come crashing down. In this instant, everything could go wrong and ruin our relationship or everything could go right and secure a lifetime of happiness. It was like in Alice in Wonderland when she asks the rabbit "how long is forever" and he answers "sometimes just one second.". This was my second of eternity and I wish I could've stayed locked in time, right there and stop existing for a while. Things had been moving way too fast and I wanted to press pause and continue this game later, take a picture of the perfect week we had been living and escape for a while to never see it fall apart.

But life being what it is, I had to get out of the car at some point. Vincent was talking louder and approaching from the car, pointing at me. Gerard took his arm and brought him back next to him. I was looking at Vincent, wishing that my eyes could burn a whole through his heart. I hated him just because he had once touched the man of my life, the man I was so afraid to lose. I was selfish and hurt and anxious. I had to get out of the car. Now.

"It's not your fucking business Vincent. Why do you have to be so fucking nosy all the time?" Gerard yelled at Vincent.

"Who the fuck is he? You're lying to me, I can see through you for fuck's sake." Vincent yelled back, oblivious to the fact that I was walking towards them. They were so absorbed in their conversation that I could've run away or disappear and no one would have even noticed.

"Hi, I'm Frank. Nice to meet you." I said, shaking Vincent's hand like if I had been possessed by some balsy motherfucker.

"And apart from supposably being a friend's of Suzanne, may I ask why were you were sitting next to my husband?" He asked, calmly, like if he wanted to impress me. But it takes two to tango and god knows how I had missed dancing.

"Well...first of all he won't be your husband for long and second.."

"Get back in the fucking car or in the house and let me deal with him alone." Gerard yelled, horror in his eyes, like if he wanted me to stay out of Vincent's little game. The thing is I had played a million times before and I had no intention of losing.

Vincent pushed Gerard away and grabbed my shirt, lifting me so I wouldn't touch the ground. If it was all he got I wasn't impressed at all.

"What gives you the right to talk to me this way, midget?" Vincent asked, staring right into my eyes.

Before I could answer mister Gerard prince charming Way, punched Vincent on the side and he was so suprised that he let go of me. That was a lot of punching for one night.

"Don't you dare lift a finger on my Frankie." Gerard said as Vincent was still catching his breath. Mikey's eyes went wide and he decided to disappear inside the house because he knew what was coming and didn't want to have to choose between his brother and his best friend.

"Your Frankie? Really Gerard? That's what you chose to replace me? How lonely and confused you must be baby." Vincent said, in a tone that was practically pity. He was good at this game, he knew where to hit so it would hurt. I underestimated him. Gerard looked at him, confused.

"Don't you see he's not gonna make you happy babe? Not like I do, not like I did and not like I will, Gee. Come home and let go of this waste of time. Alice is waiting for us. Do you know how happy she'll be to see her daddys have made up?" Vincent added. Wow how could I think I could compete with him even one second. I was so full of shit.

Then it hit me again at the worst moment. I started to feel dizzy and everything became surreal once again. I sat down on the ground, counting like Gerard had taught me while Vincent kept on talking trash.

"You wanna see her again right? My love, I'll take you back, we'll work through this. How can you think you are in love with a guy that's still a baby? What good is gonna come out of this? He'll leave you once he'll get bored with you. Cause you're gonna look like his grandpa at some point. How could he be in love with an old man? He won't."

"Shut up, shut up, shut up." Gerard yelled, his hands on his ears like he had lost all control. Tears were falling down both of our faces like if what we all feared in secret had been spoken out loud. And it could never be taken back, like a doubt creeping on your shoulder, waiting for a moment of weakness to possess you.

"He's gonna dump you, Gerard, and you know it."

"Get the fuck out of here, goddamit. Go away!!" Gerard yelled, like a last attempt of pushing him away. But Vincent was the best player I've ever seen and he took Gerard in his arms, locking him in a tight hug that made him doubt everything.

It was harder and harder to breathe, as I choked myself with tears and sobs that made everything worse. I was losing my baby, losing my friend, losing my mind.

Next thing I knew I was laying on the couch, a humid wash rag on my face, Gerard and Mikey looking down at me concerned.

"Are you awake, buddy?" Mikey asked frowning.

"Yea..hello." I said, all confused about what had happened.

"Man you scared us real good baby." Gerard said, kissing the top of my head. His lips were warm on my cold skin.

"Where's Vincent? How did you get that black eye?" I asked Gerard as I took a good look at him.

"Yeah you've been out for three hours baby. Vincent left after I told him we were seriously dating. Oh and after he lost his shit trying to kick you while you passed out on the ground."

"And then Gerard lost his shit...and I had to interfer, something I had promised myself not to do." Mikey said, looking disappointed.

"Good to know I can still count on you." Gerard said, looking at his brother.

"Well..next time please just don't try to punch him and you won't end up with a black eye and everyone will stay chill."

"The things he said to him, Mikey..." I tried to explain but choked on the leftovers of tears.

"Honey..I make poor decisions, I get poor results. That's just karma and life attacking me all at once when all I ever wanted was to be happy." Gerard explained, playing with my hair.

"I love you" I said, like a rush of anxiety mixed with love. I felt so desperate and lonely, like if i needed to fix what had been broken between us.

"I love you too, baby." He said back. But his words were not enough to shake this enormous feeling I had that something was still wrong.

I wanted to erase and rewind, a chance to start over new, a way that would make everything okay again.
"I wish I could stay with you babe but I got tons of work waiting for me at home and you look exhausted. You should go to sleep and we'll talk about all of this tomorrow." Gerard said, getting up from his knees, ready ro leave.

"Not yet..." I said, pulling on his arm that he purposely lifted up at the same moment.

"It has nothing to do with you, Frankie, I just need some time alone to process all that happened today. All I need is a night or two and I'll be back on track I promise." Gerard said, trying to explain.

Part of me wanted to believe him, after all, his mom was getting married to a guy he hated and Vincent had found out about us. There was no way he was getting costudy without putting up a huge fight now and it certainly stressed him out. But at the same time, just when I thought it all was gonna be alright, Vincent had played with his insecurities and knew just how to manipulate him. It was just typical Gerard. He needed to process things on his own and I, on the contrary, needed him to do just the same.
After agreeing with him, knowing that nothing I would do or say would change his mind, he gave me a kiss that lasted a second too short. I got up and went directly to bed, cuddling with my pillow wanting to shake that feeling that I had ruined everything by acting like a smart ass with Vincent. If I had just stayed in the car...if I had just listened to Gerard. If, if, if...those voices in my head kept asking questions and answering themselves, making the memories of every smile and every kiss hurt. What if I would never see him again? I was, once again, choking in my own tears, choking with my own saliva, choked by my thoughts and that everlasting anxiety.

"Frank? You okay?" Mikey asked, knocking at the door.

"Yeah, no, I'm not." I answered, knowing there was no way I could fake a smile.

He entered the room in a very careful manner like if he thought he was gonna find me laying dead on the bed or hanged in the closet. I guess I deserved it after what I had put him through the last time. He sat on the bed next to me, noticing my swollen eyes and my soaked pillow.

"Is it about Gerard?" He asked, knowing exactly what the answer was. I noded and he gave me a hug that was way too firm. I noticed a hint of sadness in his gesture.

"You don't seem okay either." I told him.

"It's just...I knew it was a bad idea to go there and now she's marrying Paul and it's the same nightmare all over again."he said, not letting go of the hug.

"Mikey..?" I said, wanting him to look at me in the eyes.

"Yeah?" He answered, almost numb.

"I think I need stronger pills." I told him, my voice cracking midsentence.

"Yeah...Frankie..I think we all do." He said, wiping the tears falling from his eyes.

Notes

I know the last two chapters have been very sad. I'm trying to portrait the impact that anxiety can have on relationships. I guess it's got a lot of what I'm living right now in it. But I promise good things are coming ;) This was already part of the plan so no worries, I'll cheer you all up pretty soon.

Stay tuned xoxox <3