The Only Way

The next few days were really awkward with Mike. Suzanne had already apologized a million times, saying she never got usually that hammered nor acted that trashy. She made sure I understood that she had no crush on me but found me kind of attractive when she had been drinking. She had been straight up honest and I had appreciated it. On the other hand, Michael was doing his best to avoid me, only sharing a couple uncomfortable looks when we crossed path. I didn't really understand why he was that embarrassed, after all we hadn't kissed or anything of the sort. Then came the day where we had a session and he had no choice but to confront me.

"You can sit down there." He said, scratching his head, looking around like if it was the first time we were meeting.

"Calm down Mike. I'm not mad at you." I told him, amazed that I had to be the one to reassure him. He sat down in front of me and after a minute of face palming and silence he finally started talking.

"I feel really bad about the other night." He said, looking at his feet.

"You didn't.."

"Stop excusing me, Frank. What I did was bad. It shouldn't have happened. I promised Gerard I would take care of you and the next thing I do is getting trashed and use you as an excuse to turn my girlfriend on." He said, chewing on his nails.

"I'm gonna throw out all the fucking booze before it ruins my life again. It had been 2 years...I was even able to control myself, only drinking a glass or two. I even lectured Gerard and now...I did even worse" he explained, more to himself than to me.

"I forgive you Mike, I didn't tell Gee and I got no intention of doing it. Everybody makes mistakes, don't be so hard on yourself."

"Okay. I couldn't live with myself knowing I hurt you." He answered, relieved.

"You didn't. Suzanne apologised, you did too, it's all good."

"Thanks bro." He said, smiling.

The we talked about the usual stuff. I complained that the pills I was taking made me feel exhausted all the time and he told me it was a side effect. He asked about school and I lied when I said I was excited to go back. Now that I knew that I could live with him as long as I was in school, I felt a lot of pressure on my shoulders. I had no desire of going back but I didn't know what to do with my life either. It was all kinds of confusing now that I had no parents supervising me, I was afraid to make the wrong choices.

"I miss her, especially when there's something that she would find funny. I often forget that she's no longer there and when I realise it it's like going back to the day of her death." I said, answering a question he had asked about my mom.

"You might need to..." He said but was interrupted by a knock on the door. He got up and answered to the brown haired guy that was standing on the front porch. He was about 6 feet tall, gorgeous green eyes, slim but muscular, his skin was tanned, he was wearing a dark blue suit that fitted him like a glove. There was a evident contrast between the jeans and tshirt that Mike was wearing. He looked like a million dollar bucks.

"Hey Vince. I wasn't expecting you..I'm kind of in the middle of something." Mike said, pointing me on the chair.

"It's an emergency, Mike, I really need your advice." The guy said, looking agitated.

"Do you mind? It won't take long." Mike asked looking at me.

"Nah, of course, I'll be here all day, anyway." I answered.

As I got out of the office I heard the man asked about who I was. What suprised me the most was that Michael told him I was a friend's of Suzanne. Why would he lie?

I sat down next to Suzanne on the sofa who was watching say yes to the dress.

"Oh I want that one for my marriage!!" She told me, pointing at a dress on the screen.

"Did Mike asked you yet?" I asked, curious.

"Nah..a girl can dream.." She answered pouting.

"Hey weren't you supposed to have a session with Mike?" She asked, coming back to reality.

"Yeah but some guy wanted to see him, they're talking in his office."

"did he say what he wanted?"

"No, just that his name was Vincent I think."

Her eyes widened and her attention went back to the t.v.

"You know him?" I asked, weirded out by her strange reaction.

"Yeah, you could say that.." She said, not caring to explain.

"Who is he?" I asked. Something smelled fishy.

"Gerard's soon to be ex husband..." She answered, waiting for my reaction.

"Ohh..well...April was right." I answered, head down.

"What about her?" She asked.

"He looks nothing like me.." I said, defeated.

"Yeah..but I heard he's a jerk. I wouldn't be jealous if I were you."

Of course I was going to be jealous. The guy looked like he came out of a magazine. There was no way I could compete with that.

"I wonder what he wanted ..he said he needed Mike's advice" I thought out loud.

"Prolly something about Gerard. Mike has been Vincent's marital advisor since they decided to divorce." She said, rolling her eyes, annoyed.

"You don't seem to like him."

"Everytime he comes around here, Michael ends up feeling like shit. He sucks all the energy from him and I don't mean that in a sexy kinky way." She told me laughing.

"Did you liked him before? When they both were together? How was it?" I asked, curious.

"I met him right before they splitted up and it was uncomfortable to be around them. They would fight all the time. It's fairly recent." She told me, shrugging.

I didn't really wanna know about their relationship because I knew it would probably make me jealous but at the same time I was curious.

"No worries Mike and I are team Frank." She told me, smiling.

"You don't get it, do you!!?" We heard from Mike's office. It was Vincent's voice. I got up and saw that the door was slightly opened. Suzanne muted the t.v. to listen to what they were saying.

"Gerard still loves me. We still love each other Michael. He just doesn't want to see it cause he is angry." Vincent yelled again. My heart skipped a beat. He couldn't be seriously thinking Gerard loved him, after all he was mine now.

"He loves someone else..he's..." Mike tried to explain but got interrupted.

"It's because I told him to get help...Mike. He almost came back." He said, his voice breaking. That couldn't be true. He was lying or meant something else.

"What are you talking about?!" Mike answered, suprised.

"Three weeks ago. He came home, drunk as hell of course. We..slept together, he said he wanted me back." He said.

Three weeks ago. His words kept resounding in my head. Three weeks ago. He wasn't mine. We had just fought. He told me we had never been a thing. Maybe he really wanted to go back to his ex. But he had made up his mind, he had chosen me, hadn't he?

"Vincent. Listen to me carefully. Gerard is dating someone. He doesn't love you anymore. I'm sure of it."Mike said.

"What?!..he said..he was seeing someone but I tought..it was to piss me off. We were gonna be together, I was going to take him back.." He answered, delusional. The heartbreak could be heard in his voice.

"No you weren't. He had no intention of coming back, Vince. You know how he gets when he's drunk." Mike tried to explain.

"Did you.." He swallowed hard. "Did you meet him?"

"No. I don't know who he is. But I know Gerard loves him." Mike lied.

"Maybe he made him up." Vincent suggested.

"I'm pretty sure he didn't."

"Okay..euhm. Now I feel stupid to have come here."

"No..no problem Vince, really. It's just..you have to let it go, for your own good. Gerard is gone. Try to remember how bad you treated each other, how miserable you were. He was destructive and you kept on pushing him. It was hell, Vince, you're my friend, I wouldn't want you to go back there."

"..you're right..I'm sorry." Vincent apologized.

"Don't be. I am, I wish it was different but it isn't."

"I bet his new boyfriend is ugly as hell." Suzanne looked at me and started giggling under her breath. I punched her gently on the shoulder, this was getting ridiculous. I didn't know how to process this new information.

"Yeah..I bet..he is." Mike answered, hesitating.

"Alright, thank you Mike..I know he is your brother. I got no one to talk to.."

"Anytime. You'll always be my friend. Just..take care of yourself okay? All I want for you is to be happy at last."

"I love you, man. Say hi to Suzanne and tell your patient I'm sorry."

"No worries."

"Alright, see ya."

"See ya soon."

We heard the front door closing and Suzanne raised the volume of the tv. We both acted like nothing happened when Mike appeared in the door frame.

"How much did you hear?" He asked, looking directly in my eyes.

"I didn't.."

"Don't insult my intelligence, Frank. The door wasn't close shut and Suzanne just turned the volume up."

"He..slept with him, didn't he?" I said, suddently, tears falling from my eyes. I knew I was being ridiculous but just the thought of Gerard touching his ex, made me doubt our relationship. Maybe he really wanted to go back to him but couldn't because he had promised me. Maybe he was testing me.

"That's exactly what I feared." Mike told me, sighning.

"I love him...so much it hurts." I said, out loud.

"He loves you too, sweetheart, believe me." Suzanne told me, brushing my hair with her hand.

"I don't wanna..I don't want to hear it." I told her, storming out of the room. I locked myself up in my room.

"Fuck!" I heard Michael say, hitting the door with his foot.

"Frank open the door please. Let me explain."

I hid my face in my pillow. All Gerard was really good at was hurting me. Mike didn't help either, his pleads reminded me of my dad and it scared me.

"Frank, I'll call Gee. I'll let him explain himself."

"Don't you fucking bother him at his job with this. You'll ruin everything.!!" I answered. Gerard would feel guilty and act all strange around me. He was enough hard to read as it was.

"Okay, I won't if you open the door." He promised.

"Why does it matter so much that you see me cry?" I asked, annoyed.

"I'm just afraid you'll..."

"Get lost." I said, interrupting him. I knew what he was afraid of. I looked for the razor I had hidden in my night stand. I needed this to help me ease the pain I felt.

"Fucking Mike." I cursed when I couldn't find it. He had went through my things.

I opened the door and run in the bathroom, followed by Mike who was panicking but hadn't quite figure out why I had suddently opened the door. The expression of horror on his face indicated me that I could probably find what I was looking for in there. I locked the door behind me again.

"Frank..for fuck sake..! Don't do this to yourself. Talk to me I can help." I heard him pleading on the other side of the door.

I scanned through the pharmacy and found rechargable blades. These would have to do. I took a deep breath and started to cut my skin along the side of my ribs. I felt the stinging pain then the rush of adrenaline in my veins. I immediatly stopped to cry. The first cut was for Gerard and his fucking promises, the second was for my mom that abandoned me, the third was for my dad and his beatings and the last was because I fucking deserved it. I deserved to be hurt, to be abandoned, to be treated like nothing, because I truly was worthless.

The door opened, Mike had unlocked it with a credit card. He jumped on me, taking the blade from my hand. He saw all the blood, staining the fabric as it dropped from my skin.

"Fuck..Frank.."

"I'm sorry" I said, crumbling in his arms. My whole body was shaking.

"Show me." He said, more as an order than a request as he lifted my shirt.

"We'll have to cover that shit up before Gerard arrives." He said, panicked.

"What..no. You didn't call him!" I yelled in disbelief.

"You left me no choice now didn't you?" He said, mad as I had never seen him.

He took a bottle of rubbing alcohol from the pharmacy, soaked a gauze and rubbed it on my scars, not caring if he hurt me or not. I had disappointed him and he wanted to deal with the consequences of my choice. He wasn't comforting like Gerard was.

"Put pressure on it till it stops bleeding. I ain't got a fucking band aid that large. You really suck you know." He told me still angry.

"Yeah thanks Mike, that's what I need to hear right now."

"I mean, Frank..at least you didn't want to kill yourself. That or you really know nothing about basic anatomy." He said, laughing. It was a laugh mixed with sadness and despair.

"I just wanted it to stop hurting okay?" I tried to explain.

"I'm fucking mad at you, I was right fucking there and I even begged you. You could've stop, I could've helped..." He said, choking on his words. What I didn't realise back then was that Mikey had been through the same hell with Gerard. Finding him intoxicated, lying on the couch, or on the stairs. He had even begged him to stop drinking once, fearing for Gerard's life, but his brother had only answered with a smile and had taken another sip from his almost empty bottle.

"I'm sorry Mikey. I'm so sorry." Was all I could say. I wished it didn't happen but I needed it. I liked the stinging sensation on my skin, I like the way the blood was dripping, liked that it made everything else fade away. I was addicted to self-destruction, just like Gerard was and Mikey had been. I needed help but I wasn't ready to change yet. Not before I was sure that Gerard really loved me. It was immature and needy and wrong but I couldn't care less.

"It's not cool, man. Gerard is gonna be so pissed!"

"It's my fault Mike, he should be mad at me, not you."

"I was supposed to fucking take care of you and now I failed, twice." He said, breaking down on the floor. He cried there for almost a minute. I didn't know what to say to make him stop.

"Sorry to bug you baby but Gerard's in the driveway." said Suzanne who had just appeared in the door frame.

His expression completely changed as he got up and wiped the tears from his face. He was now calm like if he had everything under control and disappeared in the living room.

I took a look of myself in the mirror just to see how bad it was. My shirt was a mess and my eyes were red. I went to my room to change as I heard Mikey talking with Gerard.

"How is he?" Gerard asked.

"He'll be okay..but I have to tell you something." Mike answered.

I rushed in my room to pick up a shirt and changed near the door so I could hear what they were saying.

"Why did he came here again?"

"Gee, he was my friend before you met him. I can't let him down when he needs me. You know I'm not like that."

"Yeah.. I know..what did he wanted this time?"

"He wanted to talk about you. He told me you two had slept together is that right?" Mike asked, concerned.

"All I remember is waking up next to him.."

"Dammit Gee...Frank heard the whole thing.." He said, disappointed.

"Fuck..is this why he.."

"Pretty much."

"I want to see him."

I closed the door and layed down on the bed. I was ashamed of myself and I didn't want to deal with the disapointment I had probably caused him. I didn't want to hear is apologies either, not knowing if they were fake. I didn't trusted him like I wished I did.

"There you are." He said, opening the door and walking next to the bed.

"Frank..I know you're not asleep, look at me please."

I raised my head and made him a sad smile.

"I'm sorry you had the need to do this to yourself because of me, my love. He said, wipping the tears that were falling on my cheek.

"Don't." I asked. I didn't want him to apologize when all was actually my fault.

"Are you mad at me?" He asked, trying to find out what mood I was in.

"No, I'm just sad." I answered, trying to avoid his eyes.

He sat down next to me.

"You need to know something about me, Frank." He said, all serious. I was expecting the worse as usual.

"I'm a drunk" he said, a hand on his face.

"I knew that already." I told him, unimpressed.

"Yeah..but I tend to be self-destructive when I'm sad. It's like I need to add more shit to my life, I need to destroy everything that I love because I don't feel like I deserve it..that's the best way I can describe it. That's why I went there that night, I wanted to ruin myself for you, so you wouldn't want me and I couldn't never hurt you anymore." He explained, calmly almost if he had made peace with that part of himself.

"I understand." I told him, glad that he trusted me enough to tell me all of this.

"I know I've been misleading and I made you feel unsure about the sincerity of my feelings."

"That's a fucking understatement, Gee." I chucked.

"I love you, Frank, more than anything." He said, looking into my eyes.

"I love you too." I answered, still not sure he really meant it.

"I'll prove it to you somehow, you'll see. Meanwhile you can always ask me, I'll answer truthfully. I won't think you're annoying or anything."

"But...I am. I will be, I'm 17, Gee. You'll end up thinking I'm the most annoying shit ever."

"I know what you're trying to do but it won't work."

"What's that?" I asked, knowing exactly what he meant.

"To make me hate you but I never could."

He layed down, taking my head between his hands so that I was looking into his eyes.

"All your flaws, all mine, they don't mean nothing when we're together. All I see is how perfect you are for me with your weeknesses, your emotional scars that won't heal and the ones you feel the need to add on your skin. I don't care how much you add, baby, I'll always find you beautiful because they are a part of you."

"Ohh..Gee." I answered, tears falling down my cheeks.

"I love you so much, so much, my Frankie, my beautiful boy, my one and only. I should've wait and married you instead." He said kissing me on the forehead.

"You could always..."

"That's a bit further down the road since I'm not technically divorced yet. But I'm not saying no." He said, kissing me on the lips.

"Now can you show me where you did them so that I won't hurt you?" I nodded pointing my left side and he kissed them over the fabric.

"I'm sorry I made you miss work."

"No worries. I'm glad Mikey called me."

"I tried to apologize...but he was really mad." I felt bad about what I made him endure. He didn't have to take care of me, he didn't owe me anything.

"I know, you scared him real good, honey, he thought you were gonna seriously harm yourself for a moment back there." Gerard said, softly.

"I never meant to..I'm not used to people caring about me.."

"Well get used to it cause we really, really love you, baby." He said, kissing my cheek, my nose and then my lips.

"I love you too, a whole lot." I said, laying my head down on his chest.

"I'll never get tired of hearing you saying it."

Notes

If I kiss you were it's sore, will you feel better, better,
will you feel anything at all ? <3 Better from Regina Spektor. This song is half sad and half happy, just like this story.

You wanted fluff, I craved for drama,
here's my compromise.

Hope you like it. Xoxox