Last of Gerard P.O.V - This chapter happens the day after the chapter called 40 oz. To Freedom

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First thing I did when I woke up was to call Frank. I had been saying harsh things the night before and I wanted to apologize. I didn't quite remember what I had said. I had called Vincent the night before to fix a meeting so we could discuss our future (more like lack of). He had pissed me off like usual and I had take it all on Frank, for the second time now. I made a promise to myself not to do it again, a promise I knew would be hard to keep. And I had to stop drinking alone and to mix pills with alocohol, that was the hardest part. Michael and I had conclude it would be best for Frank to stop seeing me as his therapist for a while. Michael would take charge and could prescribe him antisepressants for his panic disorder. That was part one of the plan we had elaborate.

"Hello" he said, sounding suprised that I was calling him.

"Hey Frank. Did I wake you up?" It was 11 am but he was a teenager after all.

"No, April just left."

"Oh she spent the night?" I asked, a bit jealous.

"Yeah. We fell asleep on my bed. Nothing happened. Not that you would care, anyway. What do you want?" He asked, still pissed off about our conversation the night before.

"I'd like to see you this afternoon if that's okay with you." I said, trying to make up for the things I had said but didn't quite remember.

"It's Sathurday. Don't you have better things to do?"

"No, I don't. This is pretty important."

"My heart's already in pieces man, there's nothing you could say that could break it even more." He said, with anger in his voice

"That's not my goal, Frank. Never meant to hurt you."

"Yeah, but you did. And now it's your turn to give me some time."

"Don't be like. that..come on, I really need to see you." I begged.

"You don't get to choose how I feel, alright?"

"I know and I'm sorry. How can I convince you?"

"Bribe me with coffee first, then...buy me a pack of cigarettes."

"What?! No way. I'm not gonna buy you cigarettes." What the hell was going on in his mind?

"You wanna see me or not?"

"Alright, 2 pm, your place. We'll go to my office."

"Bring me the goods or else you'll go back empty handed, jerk."

The he hanged up on me. I guess he had the right to be pissed off. Alright, I would give him half of a pack of my cigarettes, he wouldn't find out before sitting in the car and then he would already have his seatbelt on. Coffee was the easiest thing, I could've open my veins and make him drink my blood, it was filled with the stuff. But I would buy him a cup, I already had scared him off enough as it was.

I went to Vincent's place to have the discussion I had been dreading all along.

"Daddy!!!!!!" Alice said jumping in my arms.

"Hey love! I've missed you so much!!"

Vincent was lying against the wall, waiting for me to enter the house.

"Gerard." He said, politely.

"Vincent. How you been?"

"Quite alright for the circumstances, come in the kitchen I've got things to show you."

I followed him in the room, Alice still in my arms.

"I'm so happy you're there daddy, I made you tons of drawings and I want you to meet Sissy."

"Who's Sissy?"

"It's her imaginary friend." Vincent answered.

"Hey, Sissy's for real, daddy. She doesn't like you cause she says you don't think she exists." She said, pouting.

"Well, why don't you go play with her and let us talk, would you?" Vincent said, annoyed.

"I'll meet her after, I promise my love." I told her, as she went through the door.

"So, here are the papers for the divorce. You have to sign here, here and here." He said, pointing a pile of sheets.

"Does it says anything about the fact that you want full costudy?"

"Yes, it's just like we talked."

"You can't take her away from me, Vincent, I've got the same rights than you."

"You still have a drinking problem, Gerard, you can't fool me, I know you relapsed. I've heard that you went to work drunk the other day."

"Are you spying on me? Who the fuck told you?" Was it Mike? I would kill him.

"Don't try to change the subject. I won't let you near our daughter as long as you won't act like a responsible adult, unless.."

"Unless?"

"Unless you let me come back home and we work out our issues."

"I don't love you anymore, Vincent." I said, not really caring about his feelings.

"You loved me before right?"

"Yeah.."

"Well, you could do it again, we could work things out." He explained.

"I..there's someone else.." I had to tell him, he would find out eventually.

"What..?!? Don't tell me you fell in love with that slut.." He said, referring to the girl I had cheated on him.

"No, it's a guy."

"That quickly, really?" He said, a hint of sadness in his voice.

"We stopped to love each other two years ago, Vincent. It's time we move on, don't you think?"

"I still.."

"No you don't. You think it's better for us to be together because of Alice but it's not. As soon as you'll move back in, I'll get on your nerves again, I haven't changed, you said it yourself. Then we'll fight again and we'll use her to get back at each other and it won't do her any good." I interrupted him.

"I see you've made up your mind... Tell me his name."

"I don't see what it's gonna change.."

"Come on, you owe me that much, don't you think?"

"His name is Frank. But I won't tell you anything else." I didn't want him to find out he was 17.

"Alright. Then sign. I won't let you take her. You're are a drunk, you can't be trusted." He said.

"I won't sign shit. You'll have to talk to my lawyer." I threatened him

"Then get the fuck out of my house."

"Can't we be civilized?" We had a child together after all.

"You love someone else, so fuck you. Take your fucking things and get the fuck out."

"I wanna see her." I told him, referring to Alice.

"Get out now, Gerard, I'll fucking punch you." I had never seen him that upset.

"Let me say goodbye at least." I asked him. I wouldn't take no for an answer anyway.

I went to Alice's bedroom followed by Vincent who was yelling at me.

"Daddy has to go my love." I told Alice who was playing with her toys.

"But..you said you'd meet Sissy and I want to give you my drawings!"

"Ask your daddy, cause he won't let me." I told her, looking at Vincent.

"Nice, Gerard, already using her to get what you want." He told me.

"I'll come back in 30 minutes. You better be gone by then or I'm calling the cops." What a grumpy daddy he was.

He went out the door. I sat down next to Alice and met with her friend, Sissy.

"She's a princess. She died cause her prince never came for her." She explained.

"Wow. That's..not really jolly." Sissy's life was shitty and now she was a ghost who turned out to be an imaginany friend. This was starting to sound like an horror movie.

"I missed you daddy." She told me, smiling.

"I missed you too, my love. How are things going with daddy Vince?"

"It's okay, but he's not as fun as you." She said, pouting.

"Hey, he tries his best okay?" I was her favorite, I thought.

"Look at this! It's a unicorn, I made it for Mikey." He must have had confessed his love for that magical creature.

"Ohh he's gonna love it!"

"This one is for you." She said, picking up another drawing.

It was a drawing of me and her, sitting together in the woods. We were holding hands, smiling.

"I wanna go camping with you this summer !" She said, explaining the meaning behind it.

"I'll have to discuss it with daddy Vince alright?"

"I'll make him change his mind okay? I'll ask if I can see you more often." She said, looking at me directly in the eyes. That little girl was too clever for her own good.


"Okay, deal. I love you really, really much munchkin. We'll go camping with Mikey and his new girlfriend if you want." I said, hoping that Vincent wouldn't be able to refuse.

"Yay!!!" She said, kissing me on the cheek.

I played with her for a while and then the 30 minutes were over.

"I have to go. We wouldn't want to piss off Vince, right?"

"Ohhh no!!! We wouldn't want that!" She said, acting like he was the most annoying thing ever. My daughter wasn't even seven and she already had sass. I couldn't have been more proud.

I hugged her and said goobye. I didn't wanna go but I didn't want to cause trouble with Vince. I wish we would've split up in good terms but he was rensentful and with all the bad decisions I had made, I guess I had it coming.

Vincent was out of sight when I left the house. I guess he was really pissed off and I was glad I didn't have to assist to another awkward goodbye. Next stop was Frank's house, an hour drive from Vincent's place, but first I had to buy him a cup of coffee.

I arrived at Frank's house at two past ten. Frank was waiting for me on the sidewalk.

"You're late." He said, as he opened the passenger door.

"I know but here's your coffee." I told him, showing him the cup.

"And my smokes?" He asked, sitting down.

"I didn't know you were smoking."

"You think you know me but you don't know shit."

"Alright, here it is." I said, throwing the pack on his lap.

"Hey that's half a pack, dude, that wasn't the deal."

"Sue me."

"I..might, or I could just get out of the car." He said, threatening me.

"Come on, Frank. I know you asked for a pack just so I would feel guilty to give it to you. You can get the other half when you'll be of age of buying them for yourself alright?"

"You always gotta make me feel bad about my age. You have to make me feel like I'm not enough."

"I never said that, Frank. I don't really care about your age."

"Fucking lie." He answered.

"Buckle up, I wouldn't wanna be responsible if something happened to you." I wanted to end this conversation.

"You wanna kill me and make it look like an accident? That's why you asked to see me?" He said, accusing me.

"Are you listening to yourself...? I mean...Frank, give me some credit."

"I don't know if I should, I'm fucking pissed off at you."

"I wanna make it up to you, alright?"

"You always make excuses about the fact that you're drunk and you didn't mean it, you think I'm stupid or what?" He asked.

"When I say I'm drunk, it's cause I am, things haven't been that easy these days." I confessed.

"Well I'm not gonna apologize for the things I said. You knew how I felt about you from day one."

"I..there's more that meets the eyes okay? I..can't tell you how I feel for the moment." I tried to explained but the words came out all wrong.

"I won't wait forever. I wished you would have the balls to tell me you don't love me the way I love you so I could move on. You're being cruel."

"I can't."

"Why?"

"Cause I..cause I do." I finally admitted.

Frank held my hand. It was his way to tell me he understood and wouldn't put more pressure on me by asking questions. Anyway that's what I thought it was then.

We arrived at my office and I parked the car.

"We're not really going at my office, Frank. I'm bringing you some place else but I wanted to make sure you'd agree before. I don't wanna freak you out."

"You are freaking me out, dude. Tell me where we're going."

"I want you to meet someone really important to me."

"You're bringing me to your ex?"

"Omg Frank, what a poor opinion you must have of me. You must think I'm some kid of vicious monster."

"I..you..you can be really mean when you're drunk you know?"

"Yeah..I wouldn't know..cause most of the time I can't remember shit. I'm working on it tho."

"I forgive you, then." He said, kissing my hand.

"I want you to meet my brother, Michael."

"Oh euhm..okay. So we're really getting serious now?"

"You'll understand when we get there but don't get your hopes too high, I'm taking my time with this."

"Yeah you made that pretty clear." He said, letting go of my hand.

I started the car and we were on our way to Michael's house.

We both remained silent for the rest of the ride. It was an awkward silence, the kind that fills the room, that crawls under your skin and make it hard to breathe. There were a million questions on Frank's face and he was afraid of every single answers I would give him.

"Here we are, you ready?" I asked.

"I guess I have no choice anyway."

I got out the car and opened his door. He sat there for a moment and after and internal debate that lasted about a minute, he took my hand and we walked to my brother's front door.

"Hey bro." Michael said, happy to see me.

"And you're Frank." He said, shaking the boy's hand.

"Come on inside." He said, pointing at the livingroom.

As Frank and I sat down on the sofa, he started making small talk about the weather and I figured out he must have been as stressed out as the rest of us.

"Want water? A coffee? A beer?" He asked, looking at Frank.

"A beer sounds nice." Frank answered, a smile across his face.

Michael realised he had oferred a beer to an underage, so he looked at me for some sort of sign of acceptance. I nooded and he went to the kitchen to get it.

"Not awkward at all..." Frank said, looking at me.

I was about to answer when Michael came back with the beer and gave it to Frank.

"So euhm. You prolly wonder what the fuck you're doing here, right?" Michael asked.

"Yeah, that's about it." Frank answered.

"Gerard asked me if I could take you as a patient. I think I could help with your panic disorder. I can prescribe you some medication so you'll stop having these panic attacks all the time and we'll be able to work on this particular problem more efficiently."

Frank looked at me, disbelief in his eyes that were now filled with tears. Shit.

"Of course he asked you...he doesn't want to be my therapist anymore. That's just great." He said, sarcasticly.

"That's not what it looks like, Frank. I really think Mike will be able to help you progress faster than I do. I can help you with your anger, your family problems, but this disorder is beyond my capability."

"You want to get rid of me so you came up with this twisted plan...you really are a monster after all, Gerard Way." He answered, getting up.

I took his arm so he wouldn't leave."

"Sit down, please, let me explain." I needed to tell him the truth.

"I..I love you Frank. I just can't date you and be your therapist at the same time. That just wouldn't work. I can help you as a friend but I can't come up with solutions that are going to last in time. Mike is suited to help with that kind of crap." I told him, trying to make a point.

"You're so confusing. Who the hell says I love you and then talks about being a friend a few seconds later. What the hell is wrong with you?" He said, getting mad.

"He's saying he took time to figure out what he wants and now he knows he wants to be with you but in order to do that he has to stop seeing you as a patient and he's saying that I can help you so you don't end up dealing with this shit alone. Is that any clearer?" Mike said, trying to save my ass.

"So you wanna date me? You wanna be my boyfriend? Is that it?" He asked, his eyes filled with hope.
"I...I need some more..time.." I said but he interrupted me.

"Go fuck yourself." He said, pouring the rest of his beer on the top of my head. He stormed out of the house before I could lift a finger.

"It came out all wrong ...fuck" I said to Mike who was standing there, mouth opened, in disbelief.
"Wow you really suck at this, brother. Now would you just get the fuck up and bring him back?" He said.

I went outside searching for him, followed by Mike. No matter which way he went, he must have been running.

"We'll take your car but I'm driving." He said.

"Okay" My whole body was shaking.

After an hour of driving around town, I received a text.

From Frank:
I'm at the bus station. Going home. Tell your brother to call me to schedule an appointment. I don't want you to pick me up, or text me or call me. I'm taking a break from what never started.

"Fuck. Fuck..fuck!!! Fuck me!" I said, reading the text and hitting my head against the window.

"I would be pissed too if I were him. I mean, Gee...what the fuck? You love the guy. Why didn't you simply tell him?!"

"Cause..I'm scared I might hurt him."

"Well you did it anyway, obviously."

"I'm such a coward, stupid fuck." I said, tears falling down my cheeks.

"Now here's the fucking plan. I'm gonna get you home, I'm gonna stay till you promise me you won't do anything stupid. And If you can't well I'll improvise a fucking slumber party and I'll stay for the night. Tomorrow I'm gonna call Frank and schedule an appointment for the next day. Then I'll try to fix things meanwhile you'll stop being a jerk and do as he asked. You better come up with the cutest, most adorbs fucking love declaration ever or call it quits. You lost his trust and it won't be easy to get it back." He said, almost yelling.

"I know..why do I always ruin everything?"

"That's an answer we'll find out in our next session, dearest brother."

"Ain't you tired of picking me up off the ground, all the time?"

"I'll never be tired to save you from yourself. That's my super hero mission, my only purpose in life."

"Must suck to be you." I told him, joking.

"Yeah but then...look who's talking." He answered back.

"I love you, bro" I told him.

"Great, that's good practice for when you'll see Frank next."

"If ever..."

"Hey, he'll come back, that wasn't goodbye." He said, trying to cheer me up.

"Nah that was good fucking bye."

Mike drove me home and we watched a movie till I fell asleep on his lap. I had a dream about Frank, hurting himself, screaming that I was the one doing this to him at every cut he would make on his skin. When it came down to my personal life, I was the best to make bad decisions, always drinking and making up excuses not to deal with the consequences of my choices. Of course my guilty concience never let me feel miserable alone. Frank deserved better than the messed up addict I was but..I craved his love like I craved alcohol and I would never let go.

Notes

How I wish they would end up together...Ohh wait...I'm the author, I can do what I want ! ;p