I Don't Love You
O n e o f O n e
It was honestly not what we wanted. We never wanted to see the other one go, but it was inevitable. Neither of us could control this any longer. I couldn't control Mikey and I couldn't control Gerard. I wasn't strong enough to even try. Gerard had gotten into drugs, Mikey was drinking like there was no tomorrow and I was pushed away by my best friend and the love of my life. And I had no where to go.
"Elllle!" I cringed as I stirred from my sleep. Mikey was home. It wasn't hard to figure out that he was drunk yet again, because of the way he slurred my name. I pulled the covers off my body and lazily swung my feet over the edge of the bed. As I walked to the living room, I pulled my long black hair back into a low ponytail and prepared myself for the worst. Mikey was sitting on the couch, head in his hands and crying?
"Mikey?" I asked softly as I took another step towards him, putting him only a few inches away. A sob came from his lips and he looked up at me.
"Get away!" He slurred/yelled causing me to jump and take an involuntary step backwards. I was hurt that he was acting that way.
"Mikey, what's wrong?" He just looked at me like I was stupid. He had stopped crying and he started to glaring at me like I was the devil.
"You," was the only word that left his lips and that was all he needed to say. My heart felt like it had stopped, my chest tightened and my vision became blurred.
"Why?" I asked, choking on the tears that were now starting to fall.
"Don't... play-" he hiccuped. "-dumb." Mikey's eyes closed and he fell onto his side, landing with a small 'thud' into the couch. He had passed out. Even thought he was drunk, I knew he was telling the truth. He blamed me for everything that was wrong. I was always pushed him to do his best, pushing him to help Gerard, but all I manged to do was push him over the edge.
I slowly made my way back to Mikey and I's room and crawled back into bed. This is how it had been for months; he'd start a fight, pass out and leave me to cry myself to sleep. This had to stop.
I pulled the covers over my short and tee shirt clad body and let more tears roll down my cheeks. This was how I had spent the last two months, alone, broken and crying.
*#^$%$^#*
I awoke the next morning to the sun shinning brightly in my eyes. I rubbed them and slowly got up taking in the brightness of my room. The room looked brighter than it should have; I was puzzled. Mikey's Van's weren't all over the floor, neither were his jackets like they usually were. Was he gone? I hurriedly walked into the living room to find Mikey and Gerard standing there, bags in hand and one on the floor.
"Mikey, what's going on?" I knew this moment would come, but I didn't want it too.
"Ellie, I have to leave." He said in a calm voice. I shook my head, eyes clenched to stop the tears.
"Why?" I asked swallowing the lump in my throat and opening my eyes. Mikey dropped the bags that were in his hands and cautiously walked over to me. He grabbed my hands and held them like he used too; fingers laced and against his chest. I looked up into his eyes and saw all the regret he held.
"Ellie, I have to go. I need to leave." Mikey wasn't joking and it hurt. I still loved him, even after all the things he put me through.
"No. Mikey, I love you. Please don't go." I pleaded as the tears flew down my cheeks faster than ever.
"Ellie," He pulled one of his hands from mine and held my chin so I was closer to him, "I'll be back... I just don't know when." Mikey leaned forward and placed a kiss on my forehead. "I love you." He whispered against my temple before letting go of me. Mikey grabbed his bags and walked out of the door, out of my life indefinitely.
I fell to my knees and sobbed. I did not want Mikey to leave and I did not want to lose him for good. I laid there, knees pulled into my chest, pleading.
"No, come back. Please." I buried my face into the sleeve ofmy Mikey's favorite back hoodie. It was all I had left of him, all I could hold close to me.
DING DONG...
Who the hell is here? I slowly got up from my spot on the floor and walked to the door. While I wiped the tears from my cheeks, I opened the door; reveling a very unhappy looking Frank.
"Where is he?" Frank asked in a harsh tone. I just looked at him like he was on crack.
"What the hell makes you think he's here?" I asked, trying to hide the sound of crying in my voice. Frank's facial expression turned soft; realization spread across his face.
"Oh my gawd, Ducky!" Frank practically tackled me into a hug. "I'm sorry." He said as I cried into his shoulder.
"He left." I whispered gripping onto him tightly. "He left, and he d-doesn't know if he'll b-be home." Frank picked me up and sat down on the black leather couch with me in his lap.
"Shhh, it'll be okay. Ducky, I promise." Frank's always been my shoulder to cry on, even in high school he was.
I barely nodded my head and quit sobbing. The tears silently flowed down my cheeks and I just sat in Frank's lap. There was nothing I could do, nothing I could say that would get Mikey to come back sooner. I'd just have to wait for him, but what if it took him longer than usual?
Three Months Later
It'd been three months since Mikey moved out, and I'd been a total wreck the first. I found comfort with Frank and my old best friend, Nychole. We never brought up Mikey, or the band, but somehow, I'd always find myself thinking about him. I still loved him like before, nothing had changed with my feelings... but I'm guessing his did.
I was sitting in my apartment, just laying on the couch watching some random show on Fuse when there was a knock on the door. Reluctantly, I stood up and walked over to the door. As I opened the door, I saw the last person I thought I'd see in a long while...Mikey.
I smiled at him.
"Hey." He said returning my smile. Mikey looked good, he looked healthier than when he left.
"Hey." I replied breathless.
"We need to talk." My smiled instantly faded and my stomach knotted. I nodded and moved so he could come through the door. I moved and sat down on the couch, grabbed the remote and turned the TV off. Mikey shut the door and sat down next to me. I turned to face him and kept on a brave face, I didn't want to cry in front of him. Mikey gently grabbed my hands and looked me in the eyes.
"I'm sorry I left. I needed to get better, and I didn't know how to tell you. I know you tried to help me, but... I just don't know." A single tear cascaded down my cheek and I bit my lips together. Mikey pulled on my hands and tugged me into his chest. I hugged his chest and almost completely broke down. Mikey hugged me close and kissed my temple as I sobbed and bawled.
"I'm sorry. I know I hurt you and I can't take it back. If I could, if I could take it back... damn it I would." Mikey's grip on me tightened slightly and I buried my face into the crook of his neck. This is how I wanted it, maybe without all the crying, but him and me together. I didn't want to let go, I was afraid he would leave me for good. As my sobs became silent tears, Mikey's grip loosened on me.
"There's something else." He said softly.
I reluctantly pulled away and sat in my original seat. "What else?" I asked calmly, my voice cracking slightly.
Mikey ran his hand through his short black hair and averted his gaze to the floor. "I don' t love you." He said it so softly I thought I heard him wrong.
"You don't -" I choke on the words, he didn't love me anymore? More tears ran down my face. "W-why?" I asked, my voice breaking slightly. Mikey kept his gaze on the ground and started fiddling his fingers.
"I-I I just think it's best if I don't." He whispered. The pain and hurt was evident in his voice, he was just telling me this because he didn't want to hurt me anymore. He finally looked at me and looked straight into my blue eyes, into my soul. Mikey knew he was the only guy I'd ever loved, he knew he was the only guy I wanted to love.
"O-okay." I swallowed the newly formed lump in my throat, "if-if that's what y-you want." I made no effort to hide how hurt I was, how hard this was for me. "Just know, this... THIS is the worst thing you've done, but I still love you." Mikey nodded his head and stood up from the couch. This is what he did after all the time he spent away. He never thought to stay, because it wasn't in my best interest, because he was thinking it was too harmful for me. I wasn't going to plead with him, I wasn't going to try to make him stay any longer. If that's what Mikey wanted then I had no choice. I loved him and all I wanted was for him to be happy.
Mikey stepped in front of me and pulled me up into a hug. I hugged him back softly and he kissed my forehead again. "You'll always be my first love, Elle. You'll always have a special place in my heart." He squeezed me gently then let go. Tears were falling freely from my eyes and I didn't know how to stop them this time. Mikey cupped my face with his hands and wiped the tears away with his thumbs. He softly pressed his lips to mine for the last time. All before he let go of me and walked out of my door, out of life and out of my world for good.
"Elllle!" I cringed as I stirred from my sleep. Mikey was home. It wasn't hard to figure out that he was drunk yet again, because of the way he slurred my name. I pulled the covers off my body and lazily swung my feet over the edge of the bed. As I walked to the living room, I pulled my long black hair back into a low ponytail and prepared myself for the worst. Mikey was sitting on the couch, head in his hands and crying?
"Mikey?" I asked softly as I took another step towards him, putting him only a few inches away. A sob came from his lips and he looked up at me.
"Get away!" He slurred/yelled causing me to jump and take an involuntary step backwards. I was hurt that he was acting that way.
"Mikey, what's wrong?" He just looked at me like I was stupid. He had stopped crying and he started to glaring at me like I was the devil.
"You," was the only word that left his lips and that was all he needed to say. My heart felt like it had stopped, my chest tightened and my vision became blurred.
"Why?" I asked, choking on the tears that were now starting to fall.
"Don't... play-" he hiccuped. "-dumb." Mikey's eyes closed and he fell onto his side, landing with a small 'thud' into the couch. He had passed out. Even thought he was drunk, I knew he was telling the truth. He blamed me for everything that was wrong. I was always pushed him to do his best, pushing him to help Gerard, but all I manged to do was push him over the edge.
I slowly made my way back to Mikey and I's room and crawled back into bed. This is how it had been for months; he'd start a fight, pass out and leave me to cry myself to sleep. This had to stop.
I pulled the covers over my short and tee shirt clad body and let more tears roll down my cheeks. This was how I had spent the last two months, alone, broken and crying.
*#^$%$^#*
I awoke the next morning to the sun shinning brightly in my eyes. I rubbed them and slowly got up taking in the brightness of my room. The room looked brighter than it should have; I was puzzled. Mikey's Van's weren't all over the floor, neither were his jackets like they usually were. Was he gone? I hurriedly walked into the living room to find Mikey and Gerard standing there, bags in hand and one on the floor.
"Mikey, what's going on?" I knew this moment would come, but I didn't want it too.
"Ellie, I have to leave." He said in a calm voice. I shook my head, eyes clenched to stop the tears.
"Why?" I asked swallowing the lump in my throat and opening my eyes. Mikey dropped the bags that were in his hands and cautiously walked over to me. He grabbed my hands and held them like he used too; fingers laced and against his chest. I looked up into his eyes and saw all the regret he held.
"Ellie, I have to go. I need to leave." Mikey wasn't joking and it hurt. I still loved him, even after all the things he put me through.
"No. Mikey, I love you. Please don't go." I pleaded as the tears flew down my cheeks faster than ever.
"Ellie," He pulled one of his hands from mine and held my chin so I was closer to him, "I'll be back... I just don't know when." Mikey leaned forward and placed a kiss on my forehead. "I love you." He whispered against my temple before letting go of me. Mikey grabbed his bags and walked out of the door, out of my life indefinitely.
I fell to my knees and sobbed. I did not want Mikey to leave and I did not want to lose him for good. I laid there, knees pulled into my chest, pleading.
"No, come back. Please." I buried my face into the sleeve ofmy Mikey's favorite back hoodie. It was all I had left of him, all I could hold close to me.
DING DONG...
Who the hell is here? I slowly got up from my spot on the floor and walked to the door. While I wiped the tears from my cheeks, I opened the door; reveling a very unhappy looking Frank.
"Where is he?" Frank asked in a harsh tone. I just looked at him like he was on crack.
"What the hell makes you think he's here?" I asked, trying to hide the sound of crying in my voice. Frank's facial expression turned soft; realization spread across his face.
"Oh my gawd, Ducky!" Frank practically tackled me into a hug. "I'm sorry." He said as I cried into his shoulder.
"He left." I whispered gripping onto him tightly. "He left, and he d-doesn't know if he'll b-be home." Frank picked me up and sat down on the black leather couch with me in his lap.
"Shhh, it'll be okay. Ducky, I promise." Frank's always been my shoulder to cry on, even in high school he was.
I barely nodded my head and quit sobbing. The tears silently flowed down my cheeks and I just sat in Frank's lap. There was nothing I could do, nothing I could say that would get Mikey to come back sooner. I'd just have to wait for him, but what if it took him longer than usual?
Three Months Later
It'd been three months since Mikey moved out, and I'd been a total wreck the first. I found comfort with Frank and my old best friend, Nychole. We never brought up Mikey, or the band, but somehow, I'd always find myself thinking about him. I still loved him like before, nothing had changed with my feelings... but I'm guessing his did.
I was sitting in my apartment, just laying on the couch watching some random show on Fuse when there was a knock on the door. Reluctantly, I stood up and walked over to the door. As I opened the door, I saw the last person I thought I'd see in a long while...Mikey.
I smiled at him.
"Hey." He said returning my smile. Mikey looked good, he looked healthier than when he left.
"Hey." I replied breathless.
"We need to talk." My smiled instantly faded and my stomach knotted. I nodded and moved so he could come through the door. I moved and sat down on the couch, grabbed the remote and turned the TV off. Mikey shut the door and sat down next to me. I turned to face him and kept on a brave face, I didn't want to cry in front of him. Mikey gently grabbed my hands and looked me in the eyes.
"I'm sorry I left. I needed to get better, and I didn't know how to tell you. I know you tried to help me, but... I just don't know." A single tear cascaded down my cheek and I bit my lips together. Mikey pulled on my hands and tugged me into his chest. I hugged his chest and almost completely broke down. Mikey hugged me close and kissed my temple as I sobbed and bawled.
"I'm sorry. I know I hurt you and I can't take it back. If I could, if I could take it back... damn it I would." Mikey's grip on me tightened slightly and I buried my face into the crook of his neck. This is how I wanted it, maybe without all the crying, but him and me together. I didn't want to let go, I was afraid he would leave me for good. As my sobs became silent tears, Mikey's grip loosened on me.
"There's something else." He said softly.
I reluctantly pulled away and sat in my original seat. "What else?" I asked calmly, my voice cracking slightly.
Mikey ran his hand through his short black hair and averted his gaze to the floor. "I don' t love you." He said it so softly I thought I heard him wrong.
"You don't -" I choke on the words, he didn't love me anymore? More tears ran down my face. "W-why?" I asked, my voice breaking slightly. Mikey kept his gaze on the ground and started fiddling his fingers.
"I-I I just think it's best if I don't." He whispered. The pain and hurt was evident in his voice, he was just telling me this because he didn't want to hurt me anymore. He finally looked at me and looked straight into my blue eyes, into my soul. Mikey knew he was the only guy I'd ever loved, he knew he was the only guy I wanted to love.
"O-okay." I swallowed the newly formed lump in my throat, "if-if that's what y-you want." I made no effort to hide how hurt I was, how hard this was for me. "Just know, this... THIS is the worst thing you've done, but I still love you." Mikey nodded his head and stood up from the couch. This is what he did after all the time he spent away. He never thought to stay, because it wasn't in my best interest, because he was thinking it was too harmful for me. I wasn't going to plead with him, I wasn't going to try to make him stay any longer. If that's what Mikey wanted then I had no choice. I loved him and all I wanted was for him to be happy.
Mikey stepped in front of me and pulled me up into a hug. I hugged him back softly and he kissed my forehead again. "You'll always be my first love, Elle. You'll always have a special place in my heart." He squeezed me gently then let go. Tears were falling freely from my eyes and I didn't know how to stop them this time. Mikey cupped my face with his hands and wiped the tears away with his thumbs. He softly pressed his lips to mine for the last time. All before he let go of me and walked out of my door, out of life and out of my world for good.
Notes
I hope you guys enjoy this :)[img]http://i241.photobucket.com/albums/ff280/kaitie_fisher/idly2.jpg[/img]
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3/29/13