Secondhand Smoke

As soon as I had the little black book in my muddy hands, I threw the shovel onto the wet grass, and ran into my house. I know I was getting the floors wet since it was raining, but god damn, I didn’t care.
I ran straight up to my room and grabbed the picture I had of Frank on my nightstand, and set it on the bed next to me. I began contemplating how I was going to get the lock off of the book. I walked downstairs and into my garage. I grabbed the small red toolbox I had and pulled out a hammer. I laid the book down and slammed the hammer down on the lock twice, and it fell off. I picked it back up, then ran back up to my room. I smiled at the picture of Frank, and sat down next to it. I opened the book to the first page.
The first ten pages were filled with songs. There were some songs in it that Frank would sing to me, and there were songs he never spoke of. I kept flipping through the songs until I found where he actually wrote his thoughts.

Today was probably the worst of them all. I had another nightmare, and I stayed awake after it, shaking. I want to just fucking die. It kills me that all I can do it smile about it and act like nothing's wrong, but I can’t stop hearing them. They tell me awful things and I think I counted up to three voices.

I was absolutely shocked at what I was reading. I didn’t know Frank was hearing voices. He never said anything about it. He was always so calm, and I didn’t think there was anything wrong with him.
I turned to the next page and kept reading.

I tried to kill myself today.
I drove to the bridge over the river down the street, and sat peering over the edge for a few hours. The deeper voice told me that it would be okay. He said that if I just jumped, I wouldn’t be hurting Gee anymore. He told me that Gerard didn’t want me and that it would be in my best interest to just jump. I knew he was right. Gerard could do so much better than me, and honestly, I’m a burden on him. I stood up on the ledge of the bridge, and after a few minutes.. I jumped.
I think part of me knew that what I was doing was unfair. Not only to Gerard, but to myself as well, and when I eventually collided with the water, I wanted to undo everything.
I was thankful when my head came back above the water.

My heart felt like it was being punched over and over again. I couldn’t continue this. I put the book down, and started sobbing into my hands. I needed to get out of here.

I walked down to the bar down the street, and ordered as many shots as my body would allow, and eventually I didn’t feel anything at all. I smiled in content and walked to the outside of the bar. It was late, so no one was around and the road was empty.
I slowly walked to the middle of the road, and laid down. The rain was pouring all over me, and the stars were blurry, but as long as I wasn’t thinking about Frank’s lifeless body, I was fine.

I wanted a car to just come and run me over. I wanted to end it so badly, but I knew I couldn’t do it like this. The driver would have that hanging over them for the rest of their lives, just like I did. I didn’t think I could do that.
I pulled my drunken body up and slowly strolled down the road. I didn’t know where I was going, but I was hoping it was somewhere better than this.
When I finally looked up, I realized that I was at the bridge. The one Frank tried to kill himself at. I walked to the edge and leaned over it.
I looked down into the water and wondered just how deep it was. I looked closer and realized there was something in the dark black waves.
I leaned in closer and realized what it was.

It was Frank.

Notes