They played their set and for the first time in a while, I felt weightless. I became part of the crowd, and for about an hour, I didn’t have the dark cloud looming over my head.
After their set, Mikey and I went to the counter to get a drink. I was enjoying a scotch when someone approached Mikey and I. Her hair was black and in pigtails, and her lipstick smile was showing. “Lindsey! I haven’t seen you guys in ages. How’s touring?” Mikey apparently knew everyone.
“It’s actually been pretty great. I have a permanent adrenaline rush.” She said and started to laugh. I did have to admit, she was really beautiful. She’s also an amazing performer, and I think that somewhat makes her even more attractive.
“This is my brother Gerard. He loves the band.” Mikey pulled me forward and I gave her a small smile. “Nice to meet you Gerard. Hope you liked the show”
“Yeah, it was actually really good.” She smiled at me then turned back to Mikey.
“I’ve gotta get back to the bus, but it was great seeing you, and it was nice meeting you Gerard!” She gave another big smile, and she turned away and walked to the back of the bar, and out the door.
“She seems nice.” I said to Mikey and he raised his eyebrows at me. “Mikey, you know I’m not ready for that.” He let out a long sigh.
“You have to move on eventually. You can’t hold onto him forever. You deserve to be happy.” He said, and I know he meant well, but I still felt angry.
“No, Mikey I don’t have to move on. It’s been a month, and I’m barely holding on. I don’t deserve to be happy, because I’m the reason he isn’t here anymore.” I finished the rest of my drink in one gulp and walked out the door.
I walked for about half an hour before I ended up in front of Frank’s grave. The roses that I placed on it the day of his funeral were now dead. I needed to start making more frequent visits. I sat down in front of the tombstone and let my hand brush over the letters.
“Frank.. I miss you. Probably more than you will ever know, and I want you to know that maybe one day, I’ll be alright. Certainly not now, but maybe one day. You.. you were my reason for breathing and now you’re not here anymore and I honestly don’t know what to do.” I started sobbing into my hands, and laid down on the ground so I was closer to him. “I’ll see you one day, and maybe it’ll be soon and maybe it won’t, but I want you to know that no matter how hard I could possibly try, I’ll never forget you.”
I closed my eyes to try to will myself to stop crying. I just wanted to die, right there and then.
After a few minutes with my eyes shut, I opened them and saw a hazel pair staring back at me. I sat up quickly and looked down to see Frank laying on the floor staring up at me. He sat up and I started shaking. I didn’t know what was happening. We were knee to knee, and he was staring at me as if he didn’t know who I was.
“Frank” I whispered. I was hopeful he would answer, while at the same time, I was terrified.
“Gerard, you have to stop this.” His voice was barely above a whisper but it was his. It was his voice and I felt my heart shatter.
I reached my hand over to touch him and it just felt like air. He wasn’t really there and I knew it, but I wanted this to last.
“What do I need to stop?”
“You have to stop thinking about me. I’m gone, Gee. You’ve got to.. live.” I looked into his eyes and they still hadn’t changed. They were the eyes of a stranger, not the bright, loving eyes I knew to be Frankie’s.
“You can’t expect me to move on when all I do is think about you. I breathe in everything that you were and it’s killing me. I want to be with you so bad. It seems like it’s been forever since you’ve died and I need you. I need you more than I need the air that's in my lungs and you don’t seem to get that.” I felt tears run down my cheeks again.
I felt a cold gust of wind and saw that he had his on my cheek and he was wiping away the tears. I closed my eyes and leaned into his touch.
When I opened my eyes, he was gone. I felt water drip onto my hand and looked up. Another drop hit me in the forehead, and I realized it was raining. I stood up and began walking. It was late and I wasn’t too far from home.
Every store I passed gave me images of Frank. We had visited all of them together, and I kept having flashbacks of it. I couldn’t take it anymore. I broke out into a run, and I ran as fast as I could until I got home. I ran to the back of my house and went to the shed. I grabbed the shovel and ran to the middle of the yard.

I was going to read Frank’s journal.

Notes

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