Secondhand Smoke

Throughout the last few weeks, I haven't visited him at all. I said I was going to on his birthday, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.
I stood up off of the small step in front of the comic shop, and walked back into the store. I grabbed my jacket and looked at the time. I got off in three minutes, so I just walked back out the door and past Lindsey.
Instead of walking home, I walked to Mikey's. I had been staying with him for a few days. I couldn't bear to be in that house without Frank anymore.

I walked in the door and hung my jacket up, then went to find Mikey.
He was sat at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee.
"How was your day, Gee?"
"It was alright. Same as always. What about you? Did you do anything interesting?" I asked him.
"I didn't work today, so I went and visited mom. She asked about you. You really should call her, y'know." I rolled my eyes at him.
"Mikey, the reason I don't call her is because she likes to talk to me as if he never existed."
"She just wants you to get better. She hates seeing you like this. You aren't the only one who's affected by this, Gerard."
I widened my eyes at him.
"Oh, you're right Mikey. How insensitive of me. How do you feel since you practically killed the love of your life?" I laughed dryly. "Oh that's right. You didn't."
"Gerard you know that's not what I mean." I looked at him and he seemed hurt. "I know, Mikey. I'm sorry. I'm just barely getting by. You don't know what it's like to love someone until they aren't there to love anymore. You spend ten years thinking they built the moon and all of the stars just for you, and when they're gone, the moon just seems to mock you. Learning to be okay without him is the strangest thing I've ever had to do. I swear I'll be completely okay for a few weeks but one morning I'll wake up and it hits me all over again and it hurts just as bad as the first time. It's so hard. I always think I'm making so much progress, but then it just gets shattered the second I see someone brush their hair out of their eyes the same way he did. All I ever think about is how I would kill just to hear his laugh one more time. It sounds so clichè, I know and it's probably nothing but it feels like the world. Mikey, he was my universe, and everything in it. Imagine how it would feel to lose all of that in the blink of an eye." I looked over at Mikey and he was staring at his hands.
"I can't." He whispered.
He stood up and I thought he was going to leave the room, but then I felt his arms wrap around me. I turned to face him.
"God, Gerard I'm so fucking sorry about everything that's happened to you. I know what he was to you. I saw it. Whenever we all went out together, you would never take your eyes off of him, and it was like your face had a permanent smile on it, and now I never see it. Your smile is gone and I know you can't get it back and I hate seeing this. I hate knowing you're feeling this and there's nothing I can do to help you." He started sobbing into my shoulder.
I slowly rubbed my hands up and down his back.
"It's okay. I think I'm slowly coping. I know I won't ever feel the same way about anyone else again, but maybe I'll learn to be happy. Someday, but certainly not today."
He let go of me, and pulled something out of his pocket.
"Don't worry, I didn't read it. I just found it on the counter this morning and I figured it was yours." I looked at what was in his hands.
It was Frank's journal, and I think the reason I was shocked to see it was because when I was packing my stuff to bring to Mikey's, I didn't pack it.

Notes

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