Can I Be Your Dying Wish

{FRANK'S POV}

I sat on my couch, alone, thinking about how I had kissed Gerard. It wasn't anything major, just a kiss on the cheek, but it still couldn't stop thinking about it.
Why did I do it?
Was I falling for him? I cant be. This is what I was trying to avoid, I have six months to live; nothing good would come out of me falling for him. It would only hurt him.
Sure, he was a great guy. He was cute, polite, and not a douchebag. We have a lot in common. I'm pretty sure he likes me too.
No, I can't think about this.
I can't fall for him.
I sat forward, and leaned my head into my hands, trying to clear my mind
This of course didn't work. and about ten minutes later, trying to exclude gerard from my mind, turned into shakely dialing his number and calling him.
He answered after three rings,"Miss me already?"
Immediately, part of me wanted to say “yes, please come back” but I didn't. Instead I went with,“Uh, I need to talk to you. I know you just left, but will you come over?”
"Sure. It's been a few hours, have you eaten dinner yet?"
“No.”
I could hear the smile in his voice,"Well how do you feel about shitty pizza?"
“Sounds good.”
"I'll be at yours here in a few."
“Okay, see you in a bit.”
"Bye." He said before hanging up the phone.
I put my phone down on the end table and stood up. I began walking around my apartment, tidying up a bit, not because my apartment was messy but because if I didn't do something, I'd probably overthink everything like I always do. I lost track of time, and in what seemed like only seconds but was probably an hour or so, I heard a knock on the door. I went and opened the door, and big surprise, it was gerard, with pizza.
“Come on in.” I stepped out of the way.
He came in and went to the kitchen table where he set the pizza down.
"What did you want to talk about?” He asked.
“How do you feel about me?” I questioned, abruptly.
He gave me a weird look and raised an eyebrow,“What do you mean?”
“Friends, more than friends?” I replied.
“I'm not entirely sure."
“What do you mean you aren't sure? Do you make it a habit to flirt with guys you aren't sure you even like?” I asked, sounding annoyed.
"No, Frankie, I didn't mean it like that."
“Then what do you mean, Gerard?”
"I don't know how to feel about you, okay? One second you're flirting with me and kissing my cheek and the next you seem uninterested. How am I supposed to know how I feel when you're sending me mixed signals?" He raised his voice a bit.
“I'm sorry. I cant help it. This is all happening so fast. I care about you more than I should. This shouldn't be possible."
"Don't apologize. If anything is happening too fast for you it's my fault."
“That's the thing, I like it moving this fast. I shouldn't like this so much.”
"I'm confused."
“Join the club.”
"Let's go back. I like you a lot. Do you like me too?"
“Yes.”
"So what's the problem?"
“I don't even know, aside from the fact I've only known you for about a week.”
"It's been longer than a week."
“It's been a little over a week and I feel like a lovestruck teenager.”
He smirked,"So my methods are effective."
“Apparently so, this is like one of those cheesy romance movies that make love seem like this thing that just happens when you see someone. You know, the ones you watch with a friend just to laugh at?”
"Despite being gay, I could never stand to watch romance movies. It's just such fake romance I never cared for them.
“That's why you laugh because they're so fake, and that's what this is exactly like.”
"Maybe they're not so fake after all or watching so many of them has warped your brain."
“That's my whole point, this shouldn't be happening, yet I want it to.”
"If you want it, then what's the problem?"
“I don't know if you want it, that's the whole problem. I don't know how you feel."
He smirked and replied sarcastically,"I don't call you princess because I hate you."
“Well that doesn't mean you feel the same as I do."
"Why on earth would I go around, calling you princess, opening doors for you, and taking you out if I didn't like you?"
“I mean, I know you like me, but I'm over here falling head over heels for you, and I don't know if you feel that way too.”
"I'm back over here, after just seeing you a few hours ago, and I bought you pizza. I thought I was being quite transparent."
“Clearly you have feelings for me, I got that, but are they as strong as mine are for you?”
He didn't reply, he simply leaned down and kissed my lips.
He broke the kiss,"Still unsure?"
I just nodded my head.
He leaned back down and kissed me again.
I didn't process anything that was happening, just let it happen. I felt his hand on my neck and his lips on mine, and that's all I felt until I snapped back into reality and the thought arose. I had to tell him.
I abruptly broke the kiss, and he gave me a questioning look. I froze for a moment before forcing out a sentence,“Gerard, I have cancer.”
He moved away from me a bit, the confused look taking over his face,"What?"
I sighed,“I have stage three lung cancer.”
He looked like someone had just given him a puppy and then ripped it out of his hands.
He began to stutter,"I-I-I, I don't understand."
“There isn't much to understand.”
He looked so hurt,"If you wanted me con, you could just tell me. You don't have to lie."
The statement caught me off guard,“What? No, I'm not lying.”
"I don't understand you. I thought you liked me. Now you're telling me you have cancer to try and push me away?"
“Gerard, I do like you, a lot. I'm not lying, I'm telling you because you have a right to know. Gee, remember the other night, the coughing fits?”
"Yeah."
“That's not asthma, it's stage three lung cancer.”
"I-I, I don't." He stopped himself, looking at the ground as he took another step away from me.
“Gerard?” I asked, unsure of what to say. I didn't want him to leave, and he looked slightly scared.
"I-I-I... I." He tried to speak but only stutters came out as he stepped back once more, hitting the kitchen table. He reached out and put his hand on the table, helping himself stay standing. I wasn't sure of what to say, he looked like he was about to pass out, but he also looked kind of mad.
“Please talk to me.” Was all I forced out.
"I don't even know what to say." He finally managed.
“At this point, anything would be fine. Just say something.”
"Can I just say 'I don't know' over an over?"
“No."
"You said anything works."
“I just don't want you to leave, or by the looks of you, pass out on my floor.”
"I just... I don't know how to process this."
“You seriously look like you're about to pass out, are you okay?”
"I don't know."
“Are you going to stop talking to me now, because I'm just some dying guy?”
"You're not just some guy."
“That's exactly what I am, some guy you found at a coffee shop.”
"But you're not just a guy, Frankie. It's not that simple."
“I'm not some guy, I'm some dying guy.”
"No, Frank. That's not what I meant."
“What exactly is going on in your mind right now, Gerard?”
"It's better if you stay out of what's in my head. Nothing good is up there."
“What do you mean?”
"I mean that I barely understand what's going on in my brain. In my head are all the things I want to say, all the things I shouldn't say."
“Well say something. What do you want to say?”
"There are thousands of things I want to say but none of them are right to say."
"Just say something, anything"
"It's too soon to say 'I love you' but that's how I feel." He finally spoke, but his voice was soft.
I didn't say anything.
"See? That's why certain thoughts should remain thoughts."
“No, it's not bad. I'm at a loss for words, but in a good way.”
"Would it make everything worse if I took it back and pretended it never slipped out?"
"Why would you?”
"You don't seem to be responding in a positive manner."
“Well, just because I haven't said anything doesn't mean it's bad. I just can't bring myself to say it back, not when I won't be around very long.”
"How long do you have?"
"Six months, without treatment.”
"With treatment?" He asked.
“With chemo and radiation, there's a pretty high survival rate.”
"You're not getting treatment?"
I didnt say anything. I didn't want to hurt him more by telling him I'd refused.
He filled in the blanks himself, though.
"You're not getting treatment." He stated it this time.
I shook my head.
"Oh." He sounded so sad, I just wanted to hug him until he smiled again.
“Why would I?”
"To live longer." He answered, simply.
“For what? Say I go through with it, the chemo, putting that poison in my body, it lasts months. You get sicker before you better, vomiting, soreness, and I'd be doing it alone, for what? To be cured, and to continue living alone just like I am now. There's no point.”
He looked down at the floor,"I guess I'm just dumb enough to think I could mean anything to you. You already have your mind made up and it doesn't sound like you're going to change it."
“You mean more to me than anybody has in a while.”
He shook his head, still looking down and slowly made his way towards the door,"I should go."
“What? Why?"
"Because I don't want you to see me like this," he turned around, revealing the tears in his eyes,"because I don't know how to handle this."
I just stared at his tear-filled eyes, unable to find the words to say. I felt bad, like it was my fault because it was my fault. How was I supposed to know it would hurt him like this?
He looked away from my face and down at the floor before turning around again, mumbling,"I should go. I'll talk to you later, Frankie."
I couldn't find words to say at that moment, so I frantically forced out the words,“Please don't.”
He stopped, his hand on the doorknob,"I'm sorry."
“Please don't go.” I said softly. It was all I could say, I didn't want him to leave.
He stood there a moment, sniffling every few seconds, before finally speaking again,"I don't want to lose you."
“I'm sorry.” My voice cracked a bit as I spoke.
I saw his head drop forward as his shoulders shook with silent sobs.
I didn't say anything, I just walked over to him, grabbing his hand, and turning him to face me, before hugging him.
His arms immediately wrapped around my waist and he rested his head on my shoulder as he continued to cry, mumbling,"I'm sorry."
“It's okay, you don't have to be sorry, I should be the sorry one.”
"But I'm the one w-who's crying into y-your shirt."
“I shouldn't of just blurted that out like that. I'm sorry, I didn't know it would upset you this much.”
"W-what else would you do? Wait until you d-died to tell me?"
“I don't know, I didn't mean to upset you. I didn't know you cared. I didn't know it was possible to care this much about someone you've only known a week.”
"You should know that you're special, Iero."
“I'm still sorry for making you cry.”
"Asshole. I'm not gonna forgive you." He mumbled into my shoulder, joking.
I took a step back, and looked at his now tear stained face. I reached up and wiped the fresh tears away from his eyes.
"I'm sorry for ruining your shirt,"he said before adding,"I probably look like hell."
"It's fine, and you look fine. Just, please stop crying.”
He leaned and pressed a kiss to my lips before breaking and resting his forehead against mine, his eyes closed.
I searched my mind for something to say, then i decided on something
“Gerard, I don't want to say this. I don't want to end up hurting you more, but Gee, I love you too.”
"Oh, God."
“W-what?”
"This is all so unbelievably fucked up."
“I'm okay with that.”
"I am too if it means I get to be with you." He leaned back in for another kiss.
Instead of just letting it happen, I kissed him back this time.
He broke the kiss and looked at me,"So, um, uh, does this make us a thing?"
“Only if you want us to be.”
"I do, more than anything."
“Then yes.”
He smiled before moving away from me a bit,"I should probably get going, it's getting late."
"Or you could stay and eat cold pizza with me, we could watch one of those stupid romance movies and laugh at it, if you want?"
"I can't think of anything I'd rather do."
I smiled at him,"Good. I'll get the food if you get the drinks."
We got our food and drinks, and picked out the lamest romance movie we could find on netflix.
We sat on the couch and began watching it. Soon after we finished our food, we got more comfortable. Gerard put his arm around me and I leaned into him, as the movie went on, we would point out how cheesy it was, or how the plotline is non existent, or how it was just unbelievable.
Eventually, we got quieter and I looked up at him to see that he had fallen asleep.
I decided that I would go get a blanket to cover him up with. I went and got the one off my bed, and went back to the couch, covering him up with the blanket. I stood there, looking at him for a moment before I slowly climbed back onto the couch. I moved back into the spot I was previously curled up in, careful not to wake him. Before I knew it, I drifted off to sleep

Notes

sorry about the abrupt ending/weird flow of this chapter
i just had to make it slightly awkward for it to work
make sure to leave comments