Host for a broken soul

As I rest in bed after a long night of crying and on the verge of relapse, after ceasing to slit my body for two weeks...it's now 2am, I'm not beginning, but for the 1000th time, questioning my existence. Why haven't I gone through with it? When will I man up and know when I'm beat? I'm ready to die and I've been ready for a long time...so whats the-

my thoughts are interrupted by the sound of police busting into my house yelling "WE TOLD YOU TO FUCKING HOLD STILL" Looks like my dad is back..,picking up his stash of weed before attempting to escape the police once again. 24 and still still live with my father. Pathetic.

I think he just keeps me around to pay the bills so after he gets out of prison, his house won't be taken...but that's why I work as an over-the-phone makeup salesman. Makeup.

maybe it should be about time I get up. It may be 2 in the morning but I like to skip the 5am muggers on Thursdays. What a great day to be alive...
I put my feet on the sticky, old, Brown carpet that's been in this house since my great,great grandfather decided his "gay, deadbeat son" should possess it. my family is a long line of beaten to death wifes/mothers and pathetic excuses for "men".
I once was in a band in high school. Had a name after 9-11 because everybody wants to remember my chemical romance. Songs were pretty good, always hated my voice...but I guess the screaming girls don't. That always puts a smile on my face...considering I'm still a virgin....yea right. My life is a mess, "if you look in the mirror and don't like what you see, you can find out first hand what it's like to be me" I repeat that out loud while waiting for cold, shower water becomes colder. Warm water went away two years ago...don't know why, but it left and never came back. (Sounds like a decent idea to me) nonetheless I do miss it though. That's one difference between me and hot water...hot water is missed. As I step in the shower, I toss my greasy punk hair back and shampoo it with bar soap.

after I step out about four minutes later...I decide to shave my head. There goes my dignity...


I'm now on my way to work, and I see this puny, helpless looking man taking the subway. Nothing much to think about it..,but he showed up at work yesterday. Never talked to him, but maybe i will today.

Notes

yea, I know this is really depressing shit. I'm debating over adding smut later...I'll see how it turns out but comments can help too.