Endless Night Time Sky

Gerard’s pov

I screamed. Stood up in my bed. Cold sweat was running down my body, coating my ghostly skin. My pajama was wet with sweat. I ripped it of, and in a second I found myself curled together on the cold floor. I was shaking. My breath came in sobs. I thought these were over, these fucking nightmares. Apparently my mind had just been too busy with all the other stuff happening to think about it.
I wanted out. I needed to go out. Let the cold air cool my skin. See the stars at night, lay in the grass and watch a spider crawl to safety.
But it was 3 p.m. The sun was up. I couldn’t even open the window, and it was a long lost dream to go outside at this time of the day.

I hated this body.

Then I realized that my heart should have been pounding in my ears. I should have heard the familiar dundundundundundun from a high pulse. But I had no pulse. I had no beating heart. I should have been cold by now. The floor’s temperature should have seeped into my skin and frozen my bones.

I curled my body even tighter together, pressed my hands against my ears as if to shut out my trail of thoughts. Stop thinking like this. Stop it. Fucking stop it. It will not help with anything. But I didn’t. I hated this so much. Hated this body, hated how it changed and mutated, hated how I was a monster. And all because of them. I hadn’t ever asked for it. They had attacked me, frightened me, hurt me, destroyed me. I moved my hands from my pointy ears and looked at them. Silver marks covered my arms. Scars. Bites. I knew they were all over my body. And it was all because of them. Vampires. I hated them so much. I hated how I was becoming one of them. I was one of them. A monster. A cruel, bloodsucking monster.
But I had asked for it. It had been extremely stupid to walk out at night. You could be kidnapped, mugged, raped, murdered. “Wasn’t that clever to go out at night, was it?” I should have thought. I should have known.

My lip was bleeding, I realized. I had bitten into it so hard it was bleeding. And my canines was out. There you see, first sight of blood, and I wanted more. Monster.

I moved to the bathroom. Flinched at my own reflection. The fluorescent light highlighted my scars. Disgusting. Red rimmed waterline, hair sticking to my skin, hollow cheeks, shadows under my eyes. Silver marks all the way to my neck. My lips coated in red, white teeth protruding. Disgusting. I was disgusting. A red tinted tear fell from my eyes. Fuck that. Fuck that tear. This whole fucking shit. Disgusting. I don’t know what I was hoping for, wash away my monstrousness, but I crawled into the shower and turned on the water. Cold. Cold, cold water. I wouldn’t freeze anyway. I didn’t even care to remove my boxers. I just sat down, knees up to my chest, the water washing over me, hammering down, dripping, running, rinsing away the sweet scent of bloody sweat. I think I was crying. Didn’t care. Didn’t want to admit I cared. I was sobbing actually. And I let the cold, cold water drown the sound of my sobs.

I don’t know how long I sat there. Ten minutes, an hour? No idea. The water didn’t exactly run cold.

I tried to calm down. I tested my voice. Did I sound normal? Or did it sound like I had been crying?
Fuck it.
I called Mikey. He picked up after just two rings.

“Hey Mikes” I said, trying to sound alright.
“Hey Gerard! I didn’t expect you to call! How are you?” His voice was light and alive.
“Oh, I’m fine” I said quickly. “How are you? What are you doing?”
“I was gonna play some PlayStation. Y’know, Call of – Gerard why are you awake?”

I didn’t answer.

“It’s like four in the afternoon.” Mikey continued. Pause. “You should be sleeping.”
Quick. Think of something to say. “I, um-”
“Gerard did you have another nightmare?” his voice turned soft, understanding.
Fuck. Why was he so quick?
I stayed silent.
“Gerard.”
My eyes watered. Fuck this.
“Gerard, tell me about it. Please.”
“How come you didn’t run away when you found me? Why did you help me? Why did you let me live?” I think he could hear my voice shaking.
“Gerard, you know why. I’m your brother. Your friend. When I found you, you were –I though you were dead, and I was so scared.
So scared that you were gone and I would never ever see you again.
But you weren’t. And you needed help. Of course I would help you. Every time. You know that.”
“But I am dead. And I could have killed you. I could have-”
Just once, if I had lost control just once, I would have my brothers murder on my hands.
“But you didn’t. You would never do that. I know that.”
But what if.
“But I-”
“Gerard, get your shit together.” He sounded strict, tired. “You know I love you, but you have to get through this. You will be okay. I know that. It’s all temporary. I know you don’t believe it, but you will get used to this, find a solution, you have all the time in the world.”
“Yes I do. I’m fucking immortal. So before I know it, mum and dad are dead, and then you are next.”
“Don’t talk like that. Stop being so negative. You have to look at the bright sides of this new life of yours.” How come he always managed to make things seem more okay?
I sighted. “But this is no life, Mikes. I’m dead. And what are the bright sides?”
“Okay, firstly, you are very alive to me, and secondly, I don’t wanna tell you the bright sides, because you are going to experience them yourself, alright?”
“Alright.” I sighted.
“Now go back to bed. Get some sleep. Then have a nice Sunday for me. Go hang out with Frank and Bob.” He paused. “And Gee, promise me, I don’t care how much you hate it, promise me that you will drink today. Blood, I mean. Please. Okay? Okay. I love you, now go back to sleep.”
Then he hung up.
I wiped away the wetness on my cheeks.
How come he had his shit together, took care of me, and was only thirteen?

Notes

It is kinda scary how easy it is to write self loathing chapters.


Last episode of game of thrones is coming tomorrow and I dont know what to do with myself Im so scared please send help.