5 days of rock bottomness

Gerard's POV

I felt a hand shaking me awake. I was laying on my side with my face to the wall. I didn't turn around. Not wanting to face my friends.
"Hey! Wake up Gee! Its time for breakfast!" I heard my brothers voice from behind me.
"don't want any" I mumbled.
"Come on Gerard, you never eat anything!" I stayed facing the wall. I didn't want to show Mikey how broken I was. I needed to though. What would I tell Brian if I didn't talk to the band!? "Fine then! Come out when you're ready." I heard his footsteps move away.


Franks POV

Mikey walked out of the Bunk area and took a seat at the table.
"He's not coming?" I asked.
"No." he answered back with a worried look on his face.
"Lets go outside for a minute, Mikes." I could tell this was getting to him and I didn't want him to have another panic attack. He got up and followed me down the steps out of the bus. We took a seat on a curb in the parking lot. I guessed that most of the set up crew were having breakfast in their trailers. I could see Mikey's breaths getting quicker and more shallow. I pulled him into a hug and he clung to my chest while he calmed himself down. Once his breathing returned to normal I let him go.
"Is he going to be okay, Frank?" I sighed.
"I wish I could tell you Mikey." I really wish I could. I see the tears in the corners of his eyes.
"We have to do something! Its not just the pills and Alcohol anymore, Frank! He's hiding something from us!" His breath became quicker again.
"shh, shh. I know. It's okay, calm down." I hugged him again as he started crying. This kid was like a little brother to me. I wanted to make sure he was okay. If Gerard knew what he was doing to his little brother he would definitely change his ways. I suspected it wasn't that anymore though. Gerard knew what this did to Mikey and he loved his brother more than anything but his body didn't give him a choice anymore. He was dependent on alcohol and pills and whatever else he was on. Mikey stopped shaking.
Ray poked his head out the door and motioned for us to come back in.
"Can you guys come in here?" Ray asked us with a stricken look on his face. "I think he's ready to talk." I looked at Mikey, still in my arms. I pulled him up and directed him to the door.
I looked around the bus, Bob was leaning against the table top with his back to us. Ray stood by the table. They were both looking at a shaking Gerard, fiddling with his hands, he was sitting on the couch. He looked paler than normal, if that was possible. He looked up from his hands and his eyes widened as he saw Mikey with tears still running down his face.


Gerards POV

I stumbled out of my bunk and entered the main part of the bus. I still had a headache from the hangover. Ray and Bob stared at me from the table. They had blank looks on their faces. I stared back and then realized that I was shaking. I looked away. Ray sighed and stood up. He walked over to me, I was still looking at the ground. He grabbed my shoulder and I slowly looked up.
"Its time we did something about this, Gerard." I nodded slowly as I looked into his eyes. "Sit down." I did as he said and took the middle seat on the couch. He called to Frank and Mikey and asked them to return to the bus. I looked down at my lap and started playing with my hands. I wasn't sure that i could do it but now, in this situation, it didn't seem like I had a choice. The one thing i couldn't talk about was the cocaine. I wasn't ready yet. I wasn't sure if ready meant that i wasn't ready to give it up or that I didn't want to face their disappointment.
Frank and Mikey entered the bus. Nobody said anything. I looked up at Mikey and my eyes widened as I realized he had been crying. I looked back down. I knew it. They were disappointed in me. Disappointed that i had let it get this far.
"Um..." I opened my mouth before thinking. I had looked up when I spoke but I looked down again and pulled my knees to my chest, burying my face in the fabric of my pants. I had to get this over with, I had promised Brian I would do it. I sighed and felt tears sting my eyes. "I have a problem. I need...want to stop. I see what its doing to all of you and i finally realized that ...my friends are more important than drinking and pills. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything." The tears ran down my white face.
"Gee...please... look at me." Frank pleaded. I hesitantly looked up. "We know what you've been going through... You started drinking and taking pills because you're depressed. We've been so... scared that we were going to lose you." The tears were still running down my face. I winced from the headache. Frank glanced meaningfully at my brother. I stood up, almost fell back down but I caught myself. I walked over to Mikey and hugged him, sobbing into his shirt. I couldn't stop saying "Im sorry." At first he froze in place, not knowing what to do but then seemed to make up his mind and hug me back. He also started crying.

Mikey's POV

I couldn't believe what I had just heard. Gerard actually admitted that he had a problem! It was shocking for me to hear it from his mouth. I still had a feeling of dread. The tears had stopped a while ago but now they threatened again. I looked around at the others. Bob hung his head. He still wasn't facing us. Ray stared at Gerard with a look of relief on his face. Frank was looking into his eyes but then glanced over to me. Gerard took his meaning and got up. He staggered over to me and wrapped me in his arms. Still in a state of shock, I didn't realize that he had been whispering "I'm sorry." When I realized, I hugged him back. I started crying again, but not tears of sadness. I was going to get my big brother back! I pulled him over to the couch and sat down while he cried into my shirt. It felt good to be able to be close to him after so long. He had been so distant and kind of a jerk lately.
Ray walked to the back of the bus where the bathroom was, he opened the cabinet he knew Gerard kept his pills in. Taking them out he opened them one by one and dumped the contents int0 the toilet. He kept one bottle because he knew that quitting without being weaned off was a bad idea that could make Gerard violently ill. Gerard had stopped crying now but his face was still wet from the tears. some of his color had returned. He looked really tired and we had a show to play later.
" Go to sleep Gerard. You need more rest."


Gerard's POV

I woke up to Frank shaking me. "Hey Gee, wake up! I know how long it takes you to put your makeup on." I swung my legs off the couch and stood up feeling well rested. Oops. Spoke to soon. I hurried over to the trash can and puked my guts out. Not that their was anything to puke up. The affects of not having alcohol, medication or cocaine in my body were already hitting me.
I heard Ray behind me; "He's going to have to do to this slowly. Frank, give him a beer or something. He can't not have any alcohol in him." Frank looked reluctant but he opened the refrigerator and opened a can for me. I didn't reach for it but I felt my body urging me to. I looked away but took the beer from Frank. I sat in the corner on the Kitchen floor and drank the liquid I hated and loved so much. Every now and again, somebody would look at me but then look away quickly.
I sipped the beer until it was gone and then got up to do my makeup. I had to make it quick. We went on in an hour. I got dressed up in my uniform from the Helena video. We had all agreed that it would be our uniform for the revenge tour. I applied my makeup and then we all made our way back stage. Their was one person I dreaded seeing tonight. Bert, the leader of The Used. He was the one that was getting the Cocaine for me. I knew that I should stop doing it but I didn't want to tell anybody and I knew that if I rejected the offer to hang out with him after the show, people would wonder what was wrong with me. The answer was a lot of things but anybody other than the band thought I was 0kay.
The roar of the crowd was deafening when we entered the stage. It was a miracle that i made it through this show. Being sober was not agreeing with me. I was still feeling pretty shitty but I'm a good actor.
As I expected, Bert invited me to his tour bus. I couldn't refuse. He offered me more cocaine which I took. Feeling Guilty because I knew it was wrong especially after this morning. I just felt backed into a corner and I didn't know what to do. I hate this. I acted as though nothing was wrong. I pretended to drink and admittedly, I did drink a little bit. But that night I returned to the bus in my right mind and the others seemed to be relieved when I walked in the front door. I had only done a little of the drug, just enough to satisfy my addiction and they didn't seem to notice. I climbed into my bunk and closed the curtain. I didn't sleep.

Notes

Sorry that this was such a long chapter. I hope you enjoyed it though!