5 days of rock bottomness
We Promise (Day 5)
Frank’s POV
The suspense was killing me. From the moment I had woken up and was unable to find Gerard, I had been frantic for information. His almost confession to being suicidal rang in the back of my mind. I was the first one up but I had shaken Ray out of his sleep. I was confused as to why he was asleep in the armchair but he told me that he had been keeping an eye on Gerard. At that, I got angry because obviously, Gerard wasn’t here anymore. Ray was surprised at that information and he looked around frantically before checking his phone. The sigh of relief he let out was enough to calm me down for a moment.
“He’s fine, he’s with Jerry. I’m just confused as to why and also why i’m getting this text from Brian.” He said. Soon after that, when Jerry and Gerard walked in, we were all up and Mikey looked like he was getting more anxious by the second. I felt bad for him.
Gerard looked extremely tired and he was a mess. He only made eye contact with me once but once he did, he quickly looked away. I wanted to blurt out all my questions right away but I could see that he wasn’t up to talking. Jerry had walked him right over to his bed and he stripped his shirt off before climbing in and collapsing. I knew something bad had happened. Jerry told us that Gerard would explain when he woke up.
Now, it’s about 1 pm, we decided not to move the bus today because we didn’t have to perform until friday and it was only tuesday. I hear a few coughs from the bunk room and my attention snaps over in that direction. Everybody else has noticed as well. I’m just in time to see Gerard struggle out of his bed. He still looks like shit. He probably knows that we’re all watching him but he doesn’t look. He’s probably still thinking of what kind of explanation he’s going to give us. He pulls out his suitcase and finds fresh clothes to wear, then he disappears into the bathroom. We hear the shower turn on.
I want to know what happened in the time he disappeared but I’m scared to know the answer. We soon hear the shower turn off and then a few minutes later, a fully dressed Gerard walks out.
Gerard’s POV
I let the warm water rushing over my body put me into a relaxed state. The prospect of having to walk out of the bathroom and sit and actually talk made me want to throw up again but I knew that it would just be gross bile that would burn my throat. I still hadn't thought of a way to not make it awkward. After all, I was going to tell my best friends that I had almost killed myself after passing out in the middle of the street from a very near overdose on cocaine.
I give up on trying to make a plan and step out of the shower, pulling on my clothes without drying off. I look in the mirror and automatically, my eyes snap to the bottles of pills on the shelf behind me. My breath catches in my throat as I start grabbing all the pill bottles and setting them on the counter. I had gotten more since the first time Ray got rid of them. I know that if I take anymore drugs anytime soon, I could die. My body would not be able to handle that much. I look at my hand and discover that it’s shaking. Picking up the first bottle, I pull the lid off and quickly empty the contents into the toilet before setting the bottle aside. The other pills meet the same fate.
When they are all empty, I gather up all the empty bottles and take a deep breath before exiting the bathroom. Mikey, Ray and Bob are sitting at the table and Frank is sprawled across the couch, flipping through the tv channels. Everyone turns to stare at me. I walk over to the table and drop all the bottles. Mikey tenses up and Ray’s eyes go wide.
“Gerard, what did you do?!” Mikey says in a tone of voice that says I’m scaring the living shit out of him. I open my mouth to explain but I am cut off by Ray.
“Oh my God! You didn’t take all of these did y0u?!” Bob and Ray jump up, Bob grabs me from behind, holding my arms down, Ray tries shoving his fingers down my throat, presumably to make me throw up. I make gagging noises and throw my head to the side to get his fingers out of my mouth and immediately start coughing. I sink to my knees.
“What the fuck Ray! I didn’t take those pills! Why don’t you let me explain next time?” I look up in time to see his shoulders slump as he lets out a sigh of relief. I stand up. “I was going to say that I flushed them down the toilet.”
“I assume this has something to do with why you were missing this morning?” Frank asks from my side. I sigh.
“Yes, it has everything to do with that.” I respond in a whisper.
“Gee, whats wrong?” Mikey gets up and hugs me. I relax into him and return the hug. I hadn’t remembered how nice to hug him. He is one of the most important people in my life.
I feel him relax his arms, like he’s intending to break the hug. When I feel his arms drop to his sides I involuntarily make a whimpering sound.
“Please don’t let go of me!” I whine. His arms return to my back and he pulls me over to the couch.
“Are you going to tell us what’s going on?” He asks gently, I can’t help but notice the hope in his voice. Maybe I won’t disappoint you this time, Mikey. I nod into his shirt.
“I’m sorry.”
“I feel like we’ve done this before Gee.” Frank sounded a little bored and impatient.
“I know we’ve done this before and I’m sorry for that too. I don’t deserve to have you guys as friends.” Tears start leaking out of my eyes but I look up when Mikey grabs both sides of my face.
“Something has obviously happened. You aren’t acting like you normally do.”
“Would you expect someone who tried to commit suicide to act normally?” I watch as all there faces fall. They had probably suspected it but I had just confirmed their fears. Frank hugs me from behind and I turn around in his arms and bury my face in the crook of his neck.
“Can you tell us what happened?” he asked me. I sniffed and nodded.
“Last night, after I woke up. I just felt so destroyed and, and… I needed it.” I found it difficult to carry on because my throat was tightening.
“What did you need Gerard?” Ray asked me. I hesitated for a moment.
“Mikey, please don’t hate me.” I addressed him because I knew he would be the most hurt by my addiction.
“Why would I hate you Gerard?”
“I’m addicted to cocaine.” I feel him stiffen beside me and when I turn around, I see that he has gone pale. I hug him again. “I’m sorry, I screwed up. Mikey, I’m so fuckin’ sorry!” I started crying into his shoulder.
“Hey Mikey, are you okay?” Ray asked in a concerned voice.
“No, I’m not okay... Cocaine is what I overdosed on. I can’t believe Bert got you hooked on that.”
“Don’t blame Bert, I could have said no, but I didn’t and now… I almost overdosed last night. I, I could feel it.” I was able to choke out. Mikey finally hugged me back.
“Is that why you…” Bob didn’t have to finish the question.
“Part of it. I was in ‘The Used’ tour bus but then I left and I remember puking a bunch of times before blacking out. I woke up in the middle of the street but I didn’t move because… I don’t know. I just hate myself so much. I wanted a truck to come run me over.” Silent tears are running down my face and I feel cold so I pull a blanket off the top of the couch and wrap it around myself. “All I could think about was you guys hating me and how you could replace me and all the shit that I’m wrapped up in and then Brian called me because he needed to talk to me... Ray told him about my cutting and being suicidal.” I was struggling not to start crying again and I wonder how I’ve even gotten this far into my story. “I was trying to think of a way to end it when he called, and I told him about wanting to kill myself and he told me that I had to find a reason to live.” Mikey started stroking my injured wrist, like he did yesterday. It was soothing and my crying started to turn to sniffles. “He told me that if I couldn’t live for myself, I had to live for you. I didn’t believe him though because I still can’t believe that you don’t hate me.”
“Gerard. We. Don’t. Hate. You.” Frank put extra emphasis on each word. I don’t know why you think that because if we hated you, we wouldn’t have come when you asked us to form a band with you. Bob wouldn’t have accepted your invitation if he hated you.” Bob started nodding. “Please believe me! We love you, you are one of the most important people in our lives!” A small smile showed on my face.
“Thanks Frank. I needed to hear that.”
“I needed to say it. I hate seeing you in this much pain Gee.”
“It feels good to know that you care.”
“So how did he talk you down?” Ray asked.
“He said that I wasn’t alone and that being depressed is normal.”
“What do you mean you aren’t alone? Of course you have us but he already told you that.”
“He said that when he was a kid, his father was doing the same things I’ve been doing. It was also because of his depression, and he ended up overdosing and surviving. He went to a rehab center and after that, his depression got better and everybody was a lot happier… Before he told me that, I felt like I was in the dark, without a speck of light anywhere but then, after he told me, I had a vision of being in the dark and then there was a tiny light, really far away, but then it got closer and an image started to form inside it. It was all of you. And then you reached your hands out to me and I took them and then the vision left. You were my light in the dark, and… I’m going to get better. I’m going to quit.” I finished my story with a smile on my face.
“I’m proud of you for being able to do this Gee, and I’m proud of you for dumping all these out.” Ray says as he picks up the empty pill bottles and throws them into the trash can.
“Will you guys help me?” I ask kind of pathetically.
“With what?” Frank asks.
“Just make sure I stay on track and help me stay away from Bert and don’t let me take anymore pills or drink anything.”
“What kind of Brother would I be if I didn’t help you Gee?” Mikay said.
“Yeah! I think I can take McCracken!” Bob punched one palm with his fist.
“We promise that we will help you with anything you need.” Ray said and Frank nodded. “And right now, I think you need some breakfast. What do you want? You’re going to eat, whether you like it or not but at least you get to choose!”
“EW! Don’t let Fro Fro cook! Everything he makes tastes gross!” Mikey screeches.
“Mikey! Ya little fucker! Come ‘ere!” Ray yells and starts chasing him. They run off the bus, leaving the rest of us to laugh at them. Laughing is nice, I haven’t done it in a while.
I wonder, maybe this week was rock bottom.
The suspense was killing me. From the moment I had woken up and was unable to find Gerard, I had been frantic for information. His almost confession to being suicidal rang in the back of my mind. I was the first one up but I had shaken Ray out of his sleep. I was confused as to why he was asleep in the armchair but he told me that he had been keeping an eye on Gerard. At that, I got angry because obviously, Gerard wasn’t here anymore. Ray was surprised at that information and he looked around frantically before checking his phone. The sigh of relief he let out was enough to calm me down for a moment.
“He’s fine, he’s with Jerry. I’m just confused as to why and also why i’m getting this text from Brian.” He said. Soon after that, when Jerry and Gerard walked in, we were all up and Mikey looked like he was getting more anxious by the second. I felt bad for him.
Gerard looked extremely tired and he was a mess. He only made eye contact with me once but once he did, he quickly looked away. I wanted to blurt out all my questions right away but I could see that he wasn’t up to talking. Jerry had walked him right over to his bed and he stripped his shirt off before climbing in and collapsing. I knew something bad had happened. Jerry told us that Gerard would explain when he woke up.
Now, it’s about 1 pm, we decided not to move the bus today because we didn’t have to perform until friday and it was only tuesday. I hear a few coughs from the bunk room and my attention snaps over in that direction. Everybody else has noticed as well. I’m just in time to see Gerard struggle out of his bed. He still looks like shit. He probably knows that we’re all watching him but he doesn’t look. He’s probably still thinking of what kind of explanation he’s going to give us. He pulls out his suitcase and finds fresh clothes to wear, then he disappears into the bathroom. We hear the shower turn on.
I want to know what happened in the time he disappeared but I’m scared to know the answer. We soon hear the shower turn off and then a few minutes later, a fully dressed Gerard walks out.
Gerard’s POV
I let the warm water rushing over my body put me into a relaxed state. The prospect of having to walk out of the bathroom and sit and actually talk made me want to throw up again but I knew that it would just be gross bile that would burn my throat. I still hadn't thought of a way to not make it awkward. After all, I was going to tell my best friends that I had almost killed myself after passing out in the middle of the street from a very near overdose on cocaine.
I give up on trying to make a plan and step out of the shower, pulling on my clothes without drying off. I look in the mirror and automatically, my eyes snap to the bottles of pills on the shelf behind me. My breath catches in my throat as I start grabbing all the pill bottles and setting them on the counter. I had gotten more since the first time Ray got rid of them. I know that if I take anymore drugs anytime soon, I could die. My body would not be able to handle that much. I look at my hand and discover that it’s shaking. Picking up the first bottle, I pull the lid off and quickly empty the contents into the toilet before setting the bottle aside. The other pills meet the same fate.
When they are all empty, I gather up all the empty bottles and take a deep breath before exiting the bathroom. Mikey, Ray and Bob are sitting at the table and Frank is sprawled across the couch, flipping through the tv channels. Everyone turns to stare at me. I walk over to the table and drop all the bottles. Mikey tenses up and Ray’s eyes go wide.
“Gerard, what did you do?!” Mikey says in a tone of voice that says I’m scaring the living shit out of him. I open my mouth to explain but I am cut off by Ray.
“Oh my God! You didn’t take all of these did y0u?!” Bob and Ray jump up, Bob grabs me from behind, holding my arms down, Ray tries shoving his fingers down my throat, presumably to make me throw up. I make gagging noises and throw my head to the side to get his fingers out of my mouth and immediately start coughing. I sink to my knees.
“What the fuck Ray! I didn’t take those pills! Why don’t you let me explain next time?” I look up in time to see his shoulders slump as he lets out a sigh of relief. I stand up. “I was going to say that I flushed them down the toilet.”
“I assume this has something to do with why you were missing this morning?” Frank asks from my side. I sigh.
“Yes, it has everything to do with that.” I respond in a whisper.
“Gee, whats wrong?” Mikey gets up and hugs me. I relax into him and return the hug. I hadn’t remembered how nice to hug him. He is one of the most important people in my life.
I feel him relax his arms, like he’s intending to break the hug. When I feel his arms drop to his sides I involuntarily make a whimpering sound.
“Please don’t let go of me!” I whine. His arms return to my back and he pulls me over to the couch.
“Are you going to tell us what’s going on?” He asks gently, I can’t help but notice the hope in his voice. Maybe I won’t disappoint you this time, Mikey. I nod into his shirt.
“I’m sorry.”
“I feel like we’ve done this before Gee.” Frank sounded a little bored and impatient.
“I know we’ve done this before and I’m sorry for that too. I don’t deserve to have you guys as friends.” Tears start leaking out of my eyes but I look up when Mikey grabs both sides of my face.
“Something has obviously happened. You aren’t acting like you normally do.”
“Would you expect someone who tried to commit suicide to act normally?” I watch as all there faces fall. They had probably suspected it but I had just confirmed their fears. Frank hugs me from behind and I turn around in his arms and bury my face in the crook of his neck.
“Can you tell us what happened?” he asked me. I sniffed and nodded.
“Last night, after I woke up. I just felt so destroyed and, and… I needed it.” I found it difficult to carry on because my throat was tightening.
“What did you need Gerard?” Ray asked me. I hesitated for a moment.
“Mikey, please don’t hate me.” I addressed him because I knew he would be the most hurt by my addiction.
“Why would I hate you Gerard?”
“I’m addicted to cocaine.” I feel him stiffen beside me and when I turn around, I see that he has gone pale. I hug him again. “I’m sorry, I screwed up. Mikey, I’m so fuckin’ sorry!” I started crying into his shoulder.
“Hey Mikey, are you okay?” Ray asked in a concerned voice.
“No, I’m not okay... Cocaine is what I overdosed on. I can’t believe Bert got you hooked on that.”
“Don’t blame Bert, I could have said no, but I didn’t and now… I almost overdosed last night. I, I could feel it.” I was able to choke out. Mikey finally hugged me back.
“Is that why you…” Bob didn’t have to finish the question.
“Part of it. I was in ‘The Used’ tour bus but then I left and I remember puking a bunch of times before blacking out. I woke up in the middle of the street but I didn’t move because… I don’t know. I just hate myself so much. I wanted a truck to come run me over.” Silent tears are running down my face and I feel cold so I pull a blanket off the top of the couch and wrap it around myself. “All I could think about was you guys hating me and how you could replace me and all the shit that I’m wrapped up in and then Brian called me because he needed to talk to me... Ray told him about my cutting and being suicidal.” I was struggling not to start crying again and I wonder how I’ve even gotten this far into my story. “I was trying to think of a way to end it when he called, and I told him about wanting to kill myself and he told me that I had to find a reason to live.” Mikey started stroking my injured wrist, like he did yesterday. It was soothing and my crying started to turn to sniffles. “He told me that if I couldn’t live for myself, I had to live for you. I didn’t believe him though because I still can’t believe that you don’t hate me.”
“Gerard. We. Don’t. Hate. You.” Frank put extra emphasis on each word. I don’t know why you think that because if we hated you, we wouldn’t have come when you asked us to form a band with you. Bob wouldn’t have accepted your invitation if he hated you.” Bob started nodding. “Please believe me! We love you, you are one of the most important people in our lives!” A small smile showed on my face.
“Thanks Frank. I needed to hear that.”
“I needed to say it. I hate seeing you in this much pain Gee.”
“It feels good to know that you care.”
“So how did he talk you down?” Ray asked.
“He said that I wasn’t alone and that being depressed is normal.”
“What do you mean you aren’t alone? Of course you have us but he already told you that.”
“He said that when he was a kid, his father was doing the same things I’ve been doing. It was also because of his depression, and he ended up overdosing and surviving. He went to a rehab center and after that, his depression got better and everybody was a lot happier… Before he told me that, I felt like I was in the dark, without a speck of light anywhere but then, after he told me, I had a vision of being in the dark and then there was a tiny light, really far away, but then it got closer and an image started to form inside it. It was all of you. And then you reached your hands out to me and I took them and then the vision left. You were my light in the dark, and… I’m going to get better. I’m going to quit.” I finished my story with a smile on my face.
“I’m proud of you for being able to do this Gee, and I’m proud of you for dumping all these out.” Ray says as he picks up the empty pill bottles and throws them into the trash can.
“Will you guys help me?” I ask kind of pathetically.
“With what?” Frank asks.
“Just make sure I stay on track and help me stay away from Bert and don’t let me take anymore pills or drink anything.”
“What kind of Brother would I be if I didn’t help you Gee?” Mikay said.
“Yeah! I think I can take McCracken!” Bob punched one palm with his fist.
“We promise that we will help you with anything you need.” Ray said and Frank nodded. “And right now, I think you need some breakfast. What do you want? You’re going to eat, whether you like it or not but at least you get to choose!”
“EW! Don’t let Fro Fro cook! Everything he makes tastes gross!” Mikey screeches.
“Mikey! Ya little fucker! Come ‘ere!” Ray yells and starts chasing him. They run off the bus, leaving the rest of us to laugh at them. Laughing is nice, I haven’t done it in a while.
I wonder, maybe this week was rock bottom.
Notes
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Sorry if this chapter sucked. I feel like it wasn't very good because it was kind of awkward but just tell me what you think! There is an Epilogue so don't forget to come back for that!
@chemicalwhatsername
This commentaar just gave me one big smile on my face^.^
You are the best thank you, you're amazing and super strong
7/4/15