Three Words You Never Want To Hear

I picked up the phone and placed the receiver to my ear.

Gerard had gone out to grab some fast food for us, so I didn’t have to worry about his prying ears. If Gerard knew what I was up to I had a feeling he wouldn’t be too happy about it. I mean, he had made it perfectly clear that he had wanted nothing to do with his parents, so I doubted he would be on board with my plans to try and contact them. But what was I supposed to do? Sit ideally by and watch my boyfriend suffer? His mouth had told me that he never wanted to see his parents again, but in his eyes I had seen a longing that I had never seen from him before. They were his parents, there was no way he actually had meant what he had said. His time on this earth was thinning, and I wasn’t going to let him live his last days in regret.

The phone rang, my heart pounding with every ring. With every second that passed I felt more and more inclined to hang up, convincing myself that it was a bad idea. What if Gerard and Mikey were right? What if they just simply didn’t want anything to do with their sons? I didn’t know if I would be able to bite my tongue if they were to simply disown their own flesh and blood.

“No one is available to take your call, please leave your message after the tone.”

I slammed the receiver down, annoyance flooding through me. Was it really that hard to pick up a damn phone? Their own son was suffering and they didn’t even have the common courtesy to pick up their phone? Or at least call? How hard was it to call one of their sons and just check in? Just a quick; “Hey, son, how are you? It’s been too long!” I mean, did Gerard really have to jump through hoops just to contact his own parents? His life was literally hanging in the balance; they needed to seriously get their shit together.

“I’m back!” Gerard called from downstairs, still sounding on top of the world.

“Then get your ass up here!” I called, a smirk playing on my lips.

I hid my cell under my pillow, a grin now replacing my frown. I could smell Gerard’s sweet scent as I buried my face onto the soft fabric. I breathed it in, completely forgetting about my previous worries. Some might have found the amount of cologne that Gerard used overwhelming, but every time he walked past me I just… I just couldn’t walk away. It drew me into him, when he was near me all I wanted to do was wrap my arms around him and never walk away. And it wasn’t just that I enjoyed the scent, because I had smelt the same scent on other guys too, it was just that it reminded me of him, and being reminded of him was all that kept me going.

“Hey,” he grinned, his lip curling at the corner the way that I loved.

“Hey,” I responded, mirroring his grin. “I missed you.”

“I was out for two minuets,” he laughed, setting the bag down on the bedside table. “I brought us a taco bell, hope you don’t mind.”

“I don’t mind, but what I was actually looking for was an ‘I missed you too’,” I teased, opening the bag and inhaling the scent of fresh shredding cheese, making my stomach rumble instantly. “Damn, these smell good.”

“I love you too,” he laughed, sitting down next to me. “Do you want to eat these downstairs or are you comfortable here?”

“I’m fine here,” I smiled, unwrapping my taco and taking a bite. “You know, I’ve been thinking, it’s really cramped in here. Maybe we should shift some things around so that we can actually breathe.”
“I like it. I mean, the less room we have the closer together we have to be,” he winked, sending butterflies to my stomach.

“Okay, fair point,” I shrugged, taking another bite. “I really enjoyed today by the way. I mean, I thought I was gonna crap myself, never in a million years would I have believed that I could actually jump out of a plane. I feel so exhilarated knowing that I actually did it.”

“You and me both. It’s just one of those things that you have to experience. I mean, I know it’s a pretty stereotypical activity to put on my bucket list, but I felt like it was appropriate.”

“Well, I enjoyed it,” I assured him, linking my hand with his. I sighed with content. “You know, I’ll never get used to that. That rush I feel whenever I touch you. I’ll never get used to the way it feels as your body presses against mine.”

His eyes lit up at my words. “Frank,” he sighed, closing his eyes, his voice just a murmur. “You are by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. If I have to die, I’m glad that I get to die knowing that I was loved by you. Knowing that you were by my side the whole time. Because frankly, I can’t imagine a world without you, and I know it’s selfish, but if one of us has to go, I’m glad it’s me. I will never see a world in which Frank Iero does not exist.”

“Don’t talk like that-”

“-no, I mean it. I can’t imagine waking up one day and not having you by my side. Not being able to kiss you whenever I needed it, not being able to…” he paused, brushing his hand against my cheek. “Not being able to touch you. Never hearing your voice again… I know that it’s selfish, but dying in a world where I am loved by you? I couldn’t think of a better way to die.”

“But that’s just it, Gerard,” I sighed, placing my hand on top of his. “I know exactly what you mean. I feel the same way about you. Only difference is, I am going to see a world without you.”

“Frank-”

“I know that you can’t help it. None of this is your fault. I know that you’re going through the hardest thing imaginable right now and you must be so scared. I know, because I’ve never been so terrified in my entire life. Knowing that I’m going to loose you almost makes me wish that I’d never met you in the first place. I don’t know if I can take the pain of loosing you.” He went to interrupt, his face looking torn, but I continued. “But I can. I can take the pain.” His expression changed into one of shock, and he looked almost pained by my words. “I can, because, Gerard, I got to love you. No matter what I will never regret loving you.”

“God, I love you,” he sighed, crashing his mouth against mine. I grabbed the back of his head, my fingers entangled in his hair. I could taste the taco he had been eating, but I didn’t care. All that mattered was that right there, in that moment, he was mine. Nothing was going to take that away from me, because in the present, we were happy. He was alive, and he was mine.

But this is where our story gets depressing. This is the part where my whole world started to shatter. The part where Gerard started having to visit the hospital every few weeks for check ups, where he started to loose some of his energy. He’d find it hard to perform even the simplest of tasks, and yet, he was still my Gerard.

He’d still make the effort to make small romantic gestures such as making sure I always had a steaming hot mug of coffee to wake up to in the morning, or leaving me little notes around the house reminding of things that I had to do that day. We still spent every second together, laughing, kissing, talking, bonding, and supporting each other. Because the truth was, we both knew the reality. Gerard only had a month left on this earth.

Why am I skipping so much of our story, you ask? Well, because there’s not much to tell. I mean, there are plenty of moments that we spent together that I will always remember, in fact, every second that I spent with him was unlike any other. It’s not that our time together was too boring to document, it’s that the memories just become too painful after a while. In fact, the next part of our story is so painful that I can barely breathe even just thinking about it, let alone explaining what it was like to you.

We continued on our quest to complete everything on Gerard’s bucket list, but every time we did something on the list we’d add something else, but that was the beauty of it. The bucket list didn’t really exist. It was just a way for us to hold ourselves together. A way to make sense of the tragedy that was our lives. Gerard Way’s bucket list was never completed, and neither was his life.

“Frank!”

I sat up immediately, ready for what was about to unfold. Gerard and I had been sharing a bed for months, which I was grateful for in more than one way, as it meant that the second anything was wrong with him I was literally right there by his side. I never slept at night anyway, as I was constantly worrying about him, but I had always pretended to be asleep anyway. I knew that if Gerard knew that I was worried about him it would only make him feel worse about his condition and he didn’t need that.

He was clutching at his chest, his breathing coming out in shallow gasps.

“Frank… it- it hurts,” he cried, his eyes scrunching up as he tried his hardest to breathe through the pain.

“It’s okay, baby,” I whispered, grabbing hold of him and pulling him in against my chest. “Come on, you can do this, like we practiced before, remember? In, and out, in, and out…”

I held back my own tears as he nodded, his whole body shaking violently. I hated seeing him in so much pain; it made it hard for me to breathe. I pressed my lips against his forehead, trying to keep myself together. Every time Gerard woke up like this it was like a bullet to my chest. The force of reality would hit me and take me out of the trance that Gerard always had me in. When I was with him I would completely forget about the cancer, because he was just always so damn happy. I wasn’t sure whether that was the thing I loved about him the most, or hated. I loved that he was always so optimist and full of life, no matter how much pain he was going through. But I also hated how he would grin so widely every time he saw me, as if our time wasn’t limited. It was inhuman how strong he was; sometimes I would wish that he would just show some kind of emotion that would allow me to see how he was really feeling about all of it. Whenever I would ask him how he was feeling about the cancer, he’d just start talking about how great it was to live in the moment. How happy he was to be alive, in this moment, with me. It wasn’t that I liked seeing him in pain, in fact it was the complete opposite, it was just that I wanted to be there for him. I wanted him to know that he could open up to me. I couldn’t take the cancer away, but I could help him through it.
Of course, it was moments like this, when Gerard was so completely different from his usual optimistic self, that I wished more than anything for that inhuman indifference to his impending death.

“Come on, baby, you can do this,” I encouraged, trying to keep my voice level. “Breathe through the pain, okay?”

“I- I can’t, Frankie. Make it stop please, make it stop,” he cried, tears streaming down his face as he rocked back and forth in my lap. “It hurts; make it stop, Frankie, please.”

I turned my face away from his my lips pressed against his temple still. Tears leaked from my eyes unwillingly as I tried not to give away how much pain I was in. “It’ll be over soon, baby, I promise.”

“No, no, no,” he moaned, his voice cracking. “I want to die, please, just let me die.”

“Shhh,” I whispered, my voice catching in my throat. “Shh, you’ll be okay.”

Mikey burst in, a towel wrapped around his waist and his body dripping with soap. His eyes widened at the sight of his brother, and he dropped down to his knees beside the bed, his hand taking hold of Gerard’s.

“What’s wrong with him?” He cried, his eyes darting towards me.

“The s-same as usual,” I choked, tears rolling down my cheeks freely. “He can’t breathe.”

“Gerard?” Mikey asked his voice breaking. “Gerard, I’m here, okay? Squeeze my hand if you can hear me

“I- I c-can hear you,” Gerard gasped between sobs. “Mikes, I can’t-”

“Yes, you can,” Mikey replied roughly, his eyes focused on his brother’s. “Don’t you dare talk like that Gerard Arthur Way. You are a fighter, remember? Remember what you told me last week, huh?”
Gerard nodded, his lips pouting as he started to breathe a little better.

“Tell me,” Mikey demanded, squeezing his brother’s hand. “Tell me what you said.”

“I- I s-said…” he paused to catch his breathe. “I said I’d never let the cancer win.”

“Damn right, you won’t.”

“Mikey,” I interrupted, pulling away from Gerard slightly. “I think he’s okay.”

Mikey sighed in relief, cupping his brother’s face in his hands and looking him in the eyes. “Gerard? How do you feel? Can you breathe?”

Gerard nodded, closing his eyes. “I’m just… I’m so… tired.”

Mikey and I exchanged that knowing look, Mikey nodding. I did what I always did, I laid Gerard down beside me and tucked him in, laying him on his side just in case he was still having difficulty breathing. I kissed his forehead and whispered that I loved him, although he could no longer hear me. He would always pass out the second he was down with one of his episodes; they would just completely drain him. He’d then wake up the next morning and act as if nothing had happened, going about his usual self, kissing my neck as I shaved in front of the mirror, tickling me playfully in the morning in order to wake me up, and hugging his brother as tightly as he could before spending the day with the two of us, as always.

Mikey would always tag along with us now, and of course I didn’t mind. I understood the need he felt to be next to his brother constantly, as I felt it myself every single day. Sometimes I wondered if it bothered Mikey that I was always around, but Mikey had told me that as long as his brother was happy, that was all he cared about. He had told me that I was not a nuisance, no matter how much I may have thought so, because I was the one thing keeping both him and his brother together. He needed a friend just as much as his brother needed a lover.

I sometimes wondered if Mikey would still want me here once Gerard was gone. I mean, we had always been close, but I wondered if Mikey’s feelings of friendship towards me would turn to hatred after we lost the one person that meant the most to the both of us. I mean, if I had a brother, and Mikey was dating him, I couldn’t help but think how annoying it would be for my brother to be spending so much time with someone else during his last days.

I sat down next to Mikey at the kitchen table, who was still wrapped in his towel. His hands were cupped around a cup of coffee, shaking as they always did after one of Gerard’s episodes.

“He’ll be okay,” I whispered, crossing my arms as if to hug myself. I wasn’t sure whether I was talking more to Mikey or myself.

“No, he won’t,” Mikey replied dryly, his eyes staring in the distance. Neither of us had slept in weeks.

“He’s breathing evenly now at least. I even heard him muttering in his sleep,” I attempted to smile, but it came out as more of a grimace.

“About you no doubt,” Mikey responded, sounding a little harsher than he had probably intended. I think he realised how it had sounded, as his eyes immediately widened. “I meant that in a good way, you know. I mean, I’m really glad he has you, Frank.”

I nodded, attempting to smile once more. It must have come off as a little more believable because it actually managed to get a response from Mikey, which I didn’t get often these days.

“You know, Frank, when this is all over, I just want you to know that I’m always here for you,” Mikey sniffed, his eyes on the kitchen door. I knew that he was still worrying about Gerard, as was I.

“When… when everything’s… over… I want you to know that you’re free to stay here. You’ve always been there for me, now more than ever, and it’s nice having someone around to talk to. If you weren’t here, I don’t think I could keep it together. And I need to. For him.”

“Thank you, Mikey,” I couldn’t shake the feeling of guilt in the pit of my stomach. “Look, I know that we lost touch over the years and… I’m sorry. I should’ve tried to stay in contact with you, I mean, you were- you are- my best friend. I know that I spent a lot of time with your brother and… I mean, I feel bad about it sometimes. I feel like I’m pushing you away, from both him and me and I don’t want to do that. You’re my friend and if me and Gerard is weird for you…”

“What? You’ll stop seeing him?” Mikey laughed, the first genuine laugh I’d heard from him in a while. “Come on, Frank, don’t be stupid. You make him happy, and anything that makes my brother happy makes me happy. Besides, it took the two of us to loose touch you know. I could’ve stayed in touch as much as you could have. We’re both to blame. But come on, man. Let’s forget about that okay? We need to stick together, now more than ever.”

I nodded, tears springing to my eyes. “I love you, man.”

“I love you too, bro,” he responded, standing up and hugging me tight. “But just remember, you might be my best friend, but if you ever hurt my brother, I’ll still have to kick your ass.”

“Yeah, like I’d do that,” I responded, chuckling a little myself as I pulled away. “Okay, I’m gonna go back to bed. Are you gonna be okay?”

“I’ll be fine, just take care of him.”

“I will.”

Notes