Three Words You Never Want To Hear

There are no words for how I felt in that moment.

My whole word had come crashing down, all because of three significant words that Mikey had uttered so heartlessly, so quickly and without warning. The room span around me, as over dramatic as it seems, and I felt like I was falling through the earth. I couldn’t comprehend what he had just told me, it just couldn’t be true.

Maybe I’d wake up suddenly to realise that it had all been a terrible nightmare, just a story my brain had conjured up to freak me out. Maybe Mikey was joking, although he’d have to have a pretty sick sense of humour. Maybe I had misheard him, or maybe I was on one of those hidden camera shows and a handsome presenter would reveal himself and I’d win a load of money. Or, a small voice in the back of my head said, maybe it’s true.

I looked back and forth between the two brothers, hoping one of them would start laughing. They had been in such a great mood earlier, how did we end up like this? Why did everything have to go wrong in my life, just when everything seemed so perfect? I had had a beautiful new boyfriend to call mine, Mikey was finally starting to show some sign of life, and for once my social life didn’t involve me sitting alone at home playing games online and talking to random strangers. It just wasn’t fair. What had I done to deserve this? Hell, what had Gerard done to deserve this?

I felt instantly guilty as I realised how selfishly I had been thinking, I had even began to think about how this was for him. Imagine being told you were going to die, with only a slight chance of survival? And even if you did survive, you’d have to undergo treatment for most of your life to make sure the disease didn’t come back? Imagine breaking the news to your family, to your mom, your dad, your brother?

My stomach clenched, making me feel like I was going to vomit. This couldn’t be happening to my Gerard, my baby; they must have made a mistake. They must have confused him with someone else; there was no way this could happen to him. He was always so strong, so healthy, there was no way something like this could affect him.

I couldn’t lose him, not now, not ever. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. We were meant to have a relationship, get married, hell; we could even have kids if it meant he would stay with me! We may not have been dating long, but for one thing I was absolutely sure; I loved him.

“N-no,” I gasped, trying to keep myself from hyperventilating. “No, no!”

“Frank, Frank, please, calm down,” I heard Mikey’s distant voice. “Sit down, come on.”

“No!” I cried, the room around me growing darker.

“Please, you don’t look too good, Frank; you need to sit down!”

“N-no, I- I don’t want to,” I shouted, the room now gone from my vision.

I felt something touch my side. “Gerard, help!”

“G-get off me.”

“No, Frank, let me help you. You need to calm down, okay? Can you breathe in and out for me?”
I shook my head. All I could see was darkness, and his voice was getting harder to hear with each word he spoke.

“Gerard, for God’s sake! He’s gonna faint if you don’t help!”

There was a pause, and then a different voice spoke from the darkness. “He’s shaking.”

“I know that, now help me put him on the couch, he’s heavy,” the other voice replied.

I didn’t feel anything lift me, but I couldn’t feel anything anymore. All I could do was wait for the darkness to disappear, and after what felt like eternity, it finally did.

I sat up, sending the blood rushing to my head. I stumbled and fell back onto the couch, so that I was lying with my head below Mikey’s face, which was peering at me from over the side of the couch. I groaned, holding my head as if that would make the pain go away.

“You gave us a fright back there, dude,” Mikey whispered, his voice shaking slightly. “How’re you feeling?”

I pushed my head up using my elbow for support. “Awful,” I croaked.

“I’m so sorry, Frank,” he whispered, and I noticed that he was crying. “I shouldn’t have told you like that.”

I looked at him in confusion. What was he talking about?

And then it hit me. Gerard.

I sat up quickly, throwing my legs over the side of the couch in seconds. I noticed that my jacket had been wrapped around me to keep me warm, so I threw it off and stood up, searching for him. I needed to tell him that everything was okay, I needed to see him.

“Frank, you should rest,” Mikey whispered, his head now buried in his hands. He had made no move to stop me however. “Please, Frank.”

“Where is he?” My voice sounded hoarse.

He shook his head. “I couldn’t tell you even if I wanted to.”

“What do you mean?” I demanded, talking a little louder than I intended.

He flinched. “He drove off somewhere shortly after you passed out.”

“Well, where did he go?”

“I have no idea,” he sighed. “It’s my entire fault, Frank. He never wanted you to find out this way, he wanted to tell you himself.”

“Why did you do it?” I whispered, feeling the tears burning my eyes.

“I- I was angry, I was upset, Frank. You have no idea what it’s been like. I-” He broke off, boring him head back into his hands.

I looked away, unable to bear the sight of the broken man before me. I couldn’t bring myself to be angry at him, no matter how hard I tried. All I could think about was Gerard.

Where was he, and what was he doing? How upset had he been when he had left? Was he so upset that he would do something stupid? I didn’t think he would, but how could I be certain? If he had been lonely as a teenager and had felt the need to take his own life, then why wouldn’t he attempt to take it now, when the situation was so much worse?

I weighed out the options before me. I could either sit here and wait for him to return, which would drive me insane but allow him to have some time alone that he clearly needed, or I could go and search for him, comfort him, and reassure myself that he was safe.

I already knew which choice I would take, but before I could act on it, he walked in.

I felt a mixture of emotions hit me at once, the most prominent being relief. I had been prepared to search all night for him, weeks if it had come to that, yet here he stood, in one piece, alive and well. I took in his appearance, expecting to see him in tears like his brother, yet there was not one sign that he had been crying.

“Where have you been?” Mikey asked gently.

“I went to get cigarettes,” Gerard shrugged, turning his back on his brother to walk upstairs.

“Whoa, hang on,” Mikey leapt to his feet, and Gerard turned back to face him.

“What?”

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” he spat, making to turn again.

Mikey grabbed his arm, turning him around once more. “We’ve been worried sick about you.”

“I’m a grown man; I can go to the shops by myself.”

“Y-yeah, but-”

“Just leave me alone, Mikey, okay?” He turned to face me, a weary look on his face. “Come upstairs?”

I nodded, stunned by his behaviour. I patted Mikey on the arm and gave him an apologetic look, willing him to understand that none of this way his fault. Sure, he had told me the secret, but it didn’t change anything. I would have found out eventually, and now that I knew I could at least support Gerard through it.

Mikey gave a grimace that I assumed he had meant to be a smile, and I followed Gerard somewhat reluctantly up the stairs. A few minutes I would have died to see him again, to be alone with him and make him feel better. Yet in that moment I felt nervous about what was about to happen, was he angry at me for what had happened? I couldn’t think of any reason for him to be, but he seemed to be in an unpredictable mood, not that I blamed him.

He threw himself onto his bed as soon as we entered the room, closing his eyes and sighing. He looked almost like he was asleep at one point as he just lay flat on his back, eyes closed, his chest rising and falling with every breath he took.

I waited a few minutes for him to compose himself; clearly he was still just as distressed as I felt, my heart pounding in my chest as I tried to think about the future. What did the future hold for us now? How long did we have left to spend together?

Sure, Gerard hadn’t told me that the cancer he had was serious, and he hadn’t mentioned anything about it being deadly, but I could still hear the words my mother had spoken to him echoing in my mind.

‘Until you have to leave him. Then it’ll tear him shreds.’

Finally, he sat up, rubbed him eyes, and looked up at me. “Frank,” he sighed, his eyes connecting with mine. His eyes told me that he had no idea what to say, but that he wanted to comfort me. It was like an unspoken communication between the two of us as I relayed the message back to him through my own eyes and he gave a slight nod.

I cleared my throat, knowing that it would come out hoarse anyway. “Why didn’t you just tell me?”

Out of all of the questions I could have asked, for some reason this was the once I decided to ask.
He brushed his hand through his hair.

“It’s hard to explain.”

“Try, please.”

“I just didn’t want you to know yet. Not so early on in our relationship.”

“I wouldn’t have left you.”

“You say that now, but really think it through.” He leant forwards, looking intensely into my eyes. “You didn’t love me back then, did you?”

“I-” I broke off, remembering the then much simpler time. “I cared for you.”

“But you didn’t love me,” he stated.

“I would never have left you, even if I hadn’t seen you for a while. I thought about you all the time, Gerard.”

“Then why didn’t we keep contact?” He croaked, looking away.

“You guys just… just stopped talking to me. I understand why now, of course.” I thought about how long it had taken them to re-contact me. It had taken them months… so, when had he- “Wait, when did you get diagnosed?”

I could tell he was reluctant to answer. “I was diagnosed three months ago.”

“Three- three months?” I stuttered.

“Exactly three months yesterday,” He smiled sadly, making his way over to me. “I swear to you I would have contacted you sooner, but I had so much to think about, it was hard to think straight.”

I took hold of his hands as he came to stand in front of me. “I’m not worried about that, of course you needed some space, it’s a big deal.”

He sighed, looking down at his feet. “Yeah, it is a big deal. But if that’s not what you’re worried about, then what is it?”

It was my turn to feel hesitant. Would it upset him to let him know? “I just- what exactly is the full diagnosis?”

My attempt at sounding non-chalant failed completely. Gerard saw right through me, but he didn’t seem too upset by my question. In fact, he even smiled slightly. “You mean, how long do I have left?” I looked away, feeling both heartache and embarrassment. “Don’t worry about it, of course you need to know. But are you ready to know?”

“Y-yeah,” I squeaked.

“Frank, you fainted just when Mikey broke the news to you. What’re you gonna do when I tell you this?”

I shrugged, not trusting my voice. Did I really want to hear it? Could I bare knowing exactly how long we had left? I was sure the information would be nothing but harmful for me, yet I couldn’t bare not knowing. Would it be better knowing that he had months left rather than weeks? Or would I still break down anyway, because after all, he could have years left instead. I was never going to be happy with the time limit, even if it turned out he had ten years. I didn’t want to lose him.

“Oh, Frank,” he whispered, his hand cupping my chin. “I know this is hard for you, so if you don’t want to know I won’t tell you. I’m not going to force you to go through this, and you don’t need to feel guilty if you want to leave and never come back right now. I’ll always love you, no matter what. I don’t expect any kind of commitment from you, it’s your choice.”

“How can you even say that?” I shook my head in disgust. “I’d never leave you to deal with this on your own. Don’t you get it? I love you. Sure, it’s gonna be hard, especially if… well, it won’t be easy I know that, but it’s so much harder for you. You need someone with you right now, and I’m not just going to break up with you over something so out of your control. I’d have to be a real dick to do that.”

“But that’s just it,” he breathed, leaning his head against mine. “When I’m gone, you’ll be all on your own. You’ll have to deal with it by yourself, and I can’t be there for you.”

“Let’s just use the time we have,” I whispered, repeating the words he had often said to me. “We have forever together, no matter what anyone says. It doesn’t have to be this way, you’re strong enough to pull through, I know it.”

“Am I?” he croaked, a tear escaping from his eyes. “If I was strong then I wouldn’t even be in this situation in the first place. I’d be healthy and happy like everyone else.”

He couldn’t be serious. “Gerard, this isn’t your fault, believe me. Just because this world is fucked up does not mean you have to blame yourself. Things like this happen every day to totally innocent people.”

“I just wish things were different. I mean, how am I supposed to tell you, when I can’t even face the truth myself?”

“Maybe you should write it down?” I suggested, still unsure if I would actually read it once he had.
He shook his head. “This isn’t something you should find out from a note.”

“Okay, I’ll say a certain amount of time and you tell me if it’s close to how long or not.”

He nodded and stepped away from me, a completely broken look on his face. I felt my stomach clench at the sight, how could I do this? What if I broke down again? What if he only had weeks, or worse, days left?

I didn’t think I would ever recover from losing him, but I knew that it was inevitable for me to find out how long he had left. Besides, doctor’s predictions could be wrong, right? I’d seen cases like Gerard on the news, where they’d made a miraculous recovery despite what the doctors had said. I tried to tell myself that no matter what he said it wouldn’t change anything. This was just a guess on the doctor’s part, so it wasn’t final.

“Ready?” He nodded. “A year?”

He shook his head.

“Two years?”

“No,” he whispered.

“Three?”

“Don’t go any higher than that.”

My stomach dropped. So he had less than a year. I tried to remain calm, but I could feel the pounding of my heart in my ears, and feel myself shaking.

“Ten months?”

Another shake of his head.

“Eight?”

“Lower.”

“Six?” I squeaked, starting to lose my cool. How was I supposed to do this? If he went any lower than five I was going to seriously break down.

He shook his head again, looking remorseful. “Keep going.”

“Five months?”

“You can do it, Frank,” he urged, shaking his head once more. I had started shaking harder than ever before, it was clear I was on the verge of passing out again.

“Three months?”

He sighed. “I have roughly three months, yes.”

“No. No, no, this can’t be happening.” I cried, grabbing at my hair with both of my hands. “You have longer than that I know it, they’re wrong, you aren’t leaving me!”

“Ssshhh, Frank, honey, calm down,” he soothed, rushing to my side and pushing me onto the bed. “Breathe. I’m right here; I don’t plan on going anywhere.”

“What?” I cried weakly, rocking back and forth as he held me in his arms.

“I’m going to fight, Frank. Even if I do go down, it won’t be without a fight, I promise you.”

Notes