Even If Saving You Sends Me To Heaven

I started to panic as he grabbed my arm, and pushed me hard against the wall again. “You need to learn your place in this world” he said, pulling me a little from the wall, before slamming me hard against it again. “And it’s below me!” he yelled into my ear, before turning around and dragging me down the stairs. As we now were in the living room, he dragged me over to the small, worn out coffee table, covered in empty bottles and small plastic bags, probably containing pills earlier. He bent over and grabbed a white sheet of paper. I was honestly confused, but that feeling was quickly replaced by a feeling of true horror.

He held the envelope Gerard had given me in front of my face. I looked at it. He had clearlyopened it upripped it open, and he had most probably taken the money. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing!?” he yelled. I didn’t get what he had meant, I couldn’t look at him. I could hardly breathe my whole body, mind and soul filled with fear and weakness.

I looked at it longingly. It was the last personal thing he had given me, it was the thing I had to hold on to. My hope, the hope that said that he would be back, that he would save me and that we could get over this together and live a pretty normal life.

That hope was brutally ripped away from me as George took one of the envelope’s corners in his mouth (his hand was still digging into my arm), and using the other one to rip it in half. I’m sure I let out a yelp, and for the first time in years I could feel the tears prickling in my eyes, burning and stinging, begging for me to let them out. I couldn’t, though. I had promised.

He let go of the two pieces, and I watched them flow down to the living room floor, staying there. Soon, I felt a hard blow to my stomach, and I fell to the ground. I fought to get air back into my system, but nothing came. I coughed a little, and I finally felt the air fill me again. I gasped a little more, before I just laid there, clutching my stomach. George moved around me and started to kick me in the ribs, stomach, and even my head. I didn’t do anything, though. I just took it like the good boy I was.

Soon enough, the kicking stopped, but only to be replaced by his hand gripping my hair, and pulling me away with him. I screamed in pain, and tried to get his hands out of my hair, but he just slapped me in return. I had nothing to do but follow him. I had by far closed my eyes in an attempt to ease the pain. He finally let go, but pushed me forward, and the floor disappeared. That was until I found out that he had pushed me down the stairs …. The stairs to Gerard’s room!

I let out a grunt as I hit the door in the bottom with a thump. George pulled my up by my hair, causing me to whimper, and opened the door, before throwing me in. I let out another whimper as my head hit the hard floor, but I didn’t say anything as I tried to get up, to escape his cruelty. “You obviously haven’t heard anything of what I’ve taught you. Do I have to knock it in!?” he yelled, the anger obvious in his eyes.

I started to shake my head violently, but he just punched my square in the face for my lousy effort. “You are beneath me!” he yelled. I didn’t get the chance to regain my balance, as he gripped me by the throat, and pushed me backwards, towards the bed. I quickly looked down to his crotch, and saw that he was a little too happy. I struggled to hold back the bile rising in my throat, as I fell backwards on the bed.

He leaned over me, supporting his weight with one of his arms, while he took my hand with the oter, and guided it down towards his area. Once again, I had to struggle to hold back the bile rising, as I felt how he stiffened further by my touch. “See what you’re doing to me?” he whispered. His voice was raspy, and full of lust.

He let go of me, just so he could reach down and undo his worn-out, dark jeans. He pulled them a little down, and his member sprung out, building a tent in his boxers. I quickly looked away, afraid to puke, but he took my hand again anyways, and led it down to his area again. He held my hand, and made me cup him through his boxers, making him let out a moan of pleasure.

He let go of me again, and pulled down his boxers a little as well, letting his erect member spring out. I closed my eyes, not wanting to look at it, not wanting to know, and definitely not wanting to throw up. “Touch it” he whispered, but I kept my eyes closed, pretending that I didn’t hear him. My ignorance was awarded with a slap to my right cheek. I swallowed the bile, and looked down, raising my hand and wrapping it around his member. I started to move my hand up and down, occasionally flicking my finger over the tip and teasing him, just as he liked it. He moaned again, and started to grind his hips.

I continued for a little while, and he kept moaning more and more, telling me that he was getting closer to climax. However, just as I thought he was there, he took my hand, and pried it away from him. Happy that I didn’t have to do it anymore, I willingly let go, thinking that he would cut me some slack, just this once.

I quickly glanced up at him, and froze. His eyes were filled with the most horrible expression I ever had seen; anger, hatred, lust, and so much more. He took my arm, and twisted me around so I was lying on my stomach. I felt the panic rise in me as he easily tugged the way-too-big jeans off my hips. He then pulled of my boxers. “You need to learn” he mumbled, but it was clearly what he said. He tugged down my boxers as well, and that’s when I really started to resist. I got up on four, and tried to crawl away from him, but he was simply too quick; he grabbed my hair and pulled me back again.

I started to trash around, hitting and kicking him, screaming, yelling, biting; anything I could think of to stop what was going to happen. He was simply too strong. He twisted my arms backwards, and turned me around again, so I was lying on my stomach. He lifted my up a little so I was on all four again, before roughly pushing into me.

I couldn’t help in any longer. I screamed, letting the tears flow, as he moved in me, tearing the skin, bruising me permanently. He moved further and further in for every thrust, making me scream louder and louder. He hit my head hard, telling me to shut the fuck up, before continuing. I didn’t scream any longer, but I surely cried. Just after a few seconds, my arms gave in, and I fell face down to the pillow, but he held my back part up, going on with his rhythm. I could hear the squishing of my blood with every thrust; I could feel him ripping me more and more for every time. I could hear his moans of pleasure, and I could hear my own sobbing. The tears prickled down my cheeks.

He continued to thrust into me, moaning more and more for every time. I began to feel numb, the pain wasn’t bearable, but the inner pain of knowing that I had betrayed my brother was worse. I had promised not to cry, I had promised to stay strong until he came tom rescue me, but no. I just had to cry, I had to add even more pleasure for George. Everything I had built, I had ruined. Everything Gerard had built, I had ruined. Even his room. His own fucking room! Here I was, ruining the only place he ever had felt safe. He had even shared it with me, but it was ruined now.

I let out a small scream as Gorge’s teeth dug into my shoulder, as he muffled a long moan, and I could feel him come inside of me. I could feel the stinging in my newly made, open wounds, and I could feel him pulling out of me. As soon as he let go of me, my body fell flat on the bed, making me wince in pain. I heard him getting dressed again, before he leaned over to me, pulled my head up by my hair and whispered; “I hope we’ve come to some kind of agreement. Beneath me”. He then let go of me, and I heard him walk over to the door, opening it up. “You won’t tell anyone about our little… game” he said, before walking out and slamming the door.

As I heard him walk up the stairs and into the living room, I let my tears flow. I felt so dirty. I felt numb, but still in so much pain. The pain from my lower half was huge, I couldn’t even breathe without it feeling like someone had hit me. But the pain in my heart was so much worse. This was supposed to be my father. I had come to the conclusion that he was nothing like a father to me, but still, this time hurt many, many times more, not only for obvious reasons, but also because he was sober. He had meant to rape me. Hewanted to be there, feel me, know how much I suffered, without the alcohol blurring it up for him. He wanted to hurt me.

I felt the bile rising in my throat again, but as I tried to move, the pain kicked in again. I screamed, but didn’t do anything further. I threw up right there and then, on Gerard’s bed, in Gerard’s room. I had ruined the family. This was my entire fault.

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I lay there, not moving, hence to the pain, and stared up at the ceiling. I had managed, with a lot of pain, to roll around, away from the puke, and onto my back. My thoughts were no way near the ceiling. They were in a land far, far away, filled with rainbows and muffins and ponies. Flowers spread all around them, a honey lake running by, the clouds pink and fluffy, and the trees made of gold, with chocolate leaves. My thoughts were in heaven, my body was in hell.

Notes