Even If Saving You Sends Me To Heaven

I woke up and heard snoring next to me. I would usually freeze and panic if I heard snoring; it would remind me of George, but this snoring was lighter and shorter. It didn't take long for me to realize that the person next to me was Gerard. I couldn't help but feel bad for the way I treated him. I shouldn't have acted like he knew our mom was gone. But I was still incredibly hurt about him leaving. I never knew when he would leave again.

I did, however, know he would want to leave again. At least I was strong enough to take care of myself at fourteen, but now I couldn't even walk by myself. Why would he want to stay with such a burden? I didn't know why he stayed for as long as he already had; give me some hope, make me think that he would be there for me forever. He couldn't fool me. I was smarter than that, and the best thing to do would be to build a wall between us; not to let him get close to me. I didn't trust him, and he didn't want me as a brother for longer than he absolutely had to. Gerard Way would be a normal guy, not having any relations to me what so ever and just staying at the hospital because he found me; a random, hurt kid on the street and he wants to make sure I'm okay. When he sees that I am, he'll leave.

The thought of Gerard leaving made my eyes well up with tears. I hated that I had already grown so attached to him. I didn't want to, and It wasn't going to happen. I would push him away from me and never have to think about him ever again. With that thought, I let out a content sigh before I forced myself into another sleep.

Waking up to the sound of soft mumbling again, made me curious to who were in my room at that time. I opened my eyes and saw - for a second time - Frank and Gerard talking. They were standing at the foot of my bed this time, and I could make out a few words coming from Frank's mouth. I wouldn't be able to if he weren't standing with his face slightly towards me and I tried to read his lips at the same time as I listened.

".. Please... I miss you.. come back?... Baby... Just wanted - he's awake!" Frank whispered the last two words loud enough for me to hear clearly, and as soon as the words left Frank's mouth, Gerard turned to me and gave me a big smile. "Morning, sunshine" he said. I just nodded and stiffled a yawn. "What time is it?", I asked after a few moments of awkward silence; Frank looking back and forth between Gerard and I. "It's four pm" he informed me, before noticing how close him and Gerard were standing and stepping backwards quickly. Gerard nodded and asked me if I was hungry. Frank lifted two MacDonalds bags so I could see that he brought some. I knew I was hungry, and just the sight made my stomach let out a soft sound. But I was determined to push Gerard as far away as possible and I shook my head instead, seing Frank sigh, looking at Gerard, before tossing the bags to my brother and sitting on the chair.

"C'mon Mikes, you need to eat something?" He tried, but I just shook my head and looked out the window by my bed. I could see Gerard nod from the corner of my eye, before asking if it were okay that they ate something. I nodded slightly, but still didn't look at him. When I heard a ruffling of the paper bag, I finally looked at my brother. He reached in and pulled a salad out, handing it to Frank who took it with a smile. He then reached in again and grabbed a BigMac, unwrapping it and taking a bite. The sight made my stomach let out a second, louder growl, but as soon as Gerard's eyes met mine, I looked away and pretended that nothing happened.

Gerard and Frank were mumbling to eachother and smiling at eachother while they were eating. I didn't feel ignored or anything, Gerard looked at me to make sure I was okay all the time, but I found it weird that two friends would look at eachother like that. Gerard popped the last piece of burger into his mouth before looking at me with a smile.

"The doctors say you can leave in a couple of days, Mikey!" He said it with an excited voice and a huge grin, but I knew why he was ecited. It I could leave the hospital in a couple of days, he could leave me in a couple of hours. I didn't feel happy or excited at all; I didn't want him to leave me again. Frank was sitting on the chair, munching his salad quietly while looking at me and waiting for my reaction. I didn't want him to be there, but I wasn't about to ask him to leave before I asked the question that had been burning my insides for so long.

"Why are you still here with me, Gerard?" I finally whispered. Gerard got a confused expression, and when I didn't say anything more, he asked me what it was supposed to mean, "still here". I rolled my eyes at his bad acting skills, but started talking anyways.

"I know you're going to leave me again. I don't want you to at all, but I know it's going to happen. I just don't understand why you came back at all - I don't know why you're here right now, pretending to be excited that I can get out of here soon, when really your excitement is there because you'll get rid of me soon. I'm not building the false hope you're feeding me; I'm not stupid. I've learned that you have your own life - that I have to manage on my own - the hard way, and I really don't know why you're trying to cover that with staying here." I took a deep breath and nodded towards Frank, who was staring at me in disbelief, before continuing. "He doesn't even want to be here, he doesn't want you to be here, and he doesn't give a fuck that I'm here, so I really don't know why he's here at all. I'm going to have to repeat that I'm not stupid, at least not as stupid as I once was, and I know that you guys aren't just "friends", I know you guys somehow have a bigger bonding between you. If I didn't know any better, I would think you were gay. But I hope that you would have told me that earlier. But then again, why would you - was there ever a point in telling me the truth? It will all be over soon, and I'm history yet again. Please tell me, Gerard, why you intentionally plan to put me through all that pain again? You know it's going to get worse soon, when this hospital calls George and he has to come over here to sign me out.... Just, please explain." I had been staring at my hands the whole second half of my speech, and when I looked up to see silent tears running down my brother's face, I didn't know what to do. I shot a glance towards Frank who was sitting in his chair and looking at his hands like I was.

The silence that followed was tense and uncomfortable, the only thing making a sound was the buzzing of the various machines in the room. Frank was the first to break the silence by Standing up and taking one of the McDonalds bags, grabbing the second salad from inside of it and stuffing it into the other one, before gathering what little trash was in my room and tossing it into the bin. "Uh, I'll be right outside..." he mumbled, mostly to Gerard (who nodded in approval), but he also shot me a small smile, before turning around and walking out of the room. Gerard got up from the edge of my bed and sat down on the seat that Frank had previously been keeping warm. He pulled the chair all the way to my bedside and sighed.

"Mikey... First of all I really need to apologize for leaving. I know nothing can ever fix what I did - take back the things you've been through -" I let out a snort as if to say that I knewthat part, but he chose to ignore it and continued. "- But, I really want to somehow make it a little better for you. I can promise right here, right now, that I won't ever leave you. Ever again. It wasn't a single day I didn't think about going back to you, rescuing you like I promised that day for so long ago. I will always be here for you, from this day, and until the day you forcefully push me out of your life again." He smiled slightly, but I didn't smile back, "Please don't think George will get to you again - I'll protect you with all my life. He won't be signing you out of here;I will, and you'll be living with me... If you want that of course." He said.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. All my worrying and all my burdens disappeared completely. Well, they didn't disappear, but now I had Gerard. He didn't share the weight evenly, he took much more than half of it, and I felt so relieved. He even offered to let me stay with him. I knew It would be somewhat difficult in his small appartment, but I knew I couldn't turn him down. I was, after all, living on the streets all alone. Because I still wasn't planning on going back to George. I gave Gerard as big of a smile I could and nodded. He smiled back and reached for my hand, squeezing it softly.

"As for Frank.... He's really a shy guy. He doesn't like to meet new people, at least not my brother in a hospital bed, and he just needs some time." He paused for the longest time, thinking through his next words. "And, he is... in fact.. my boyfriend." The new information didn't shock me as much as I thought something like that would shock me. "Please don't be mad at me, I didn't know what to say, please, I really hope you still want to stay with me Mikey, Frank is really a good guy, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but like I said, I didn't know what to -" I interrupted his rambling by squeezing his hand right back. He looked at me with what looked like fear swimming in his eyes.

What was he afraid of? Rejection? I wasn't a homophobe. I could never imagine being gay myself - the pain I had felt had ruined that for me completely. Besides, I liked Alicia and it felt nice to hope that she liked me too, even though people said she was a slut and that I really didn't know her. I was fine with Gerard being with Frank - I was quite happy actually, thinking it through. It meant that he was able to live through the pain - with a guy by his side to help and support him. I didn't know how much Frank knew about the situation, but if he was Gerard's boyfirend I would expect him to know quite a bit. I wanted to know more about Gerard's boyfriend, and I really wanted to get to know him, not just stuff about him.

"Gerard, I'm totally fine with it... in fact, I really want to get to know him". Seeing relief wash over my brother as I said those words made me smile. He jumped up, bent over me and gave me a hug. "So, uh... could I go get him?" He asked after calming down from his moment of happiness. I nodded and watched as he left the small room for a few minutes, and then returning with Frank tracing behind him.

Things were still tense and a little strange, but for now, I was content with where my life was going.

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