Even If Saving You Sends Me To Heaven

After struggling to get out of the car, with Gerard's help, the night was a blur. I could remember doctors, needles, beeping, Gerard asking if I was okay and a lot of pain. Waking up to the beeping of the heart monitor sent shivers filled with horror down my spine. I didn't want to open my eyes, but when I figured that I had to, I wasn't expecting Gerard to be the one sleeping in the uncomfortable chair next to my bed. I grunted and tried to turn to my side so I was facing him, but failed as I felt the stiffness of bandages wrapped around me and a light pain shooting from my backside and up my back. I grunted again and decided to just stay like I was. I lifted my hand up to brush the hair out of my face, but stopped as my hand ran over a thin plastic tube in my nose. I froze in panic, thinking that someone wanted to strangle me, but then I realized that it was just oxygen. I was at the hospital and I just knew that George would find out one way or another. And then, my life would end.

Low voices talking woke me up a couple of hours later. I had been awake for a while earlier, but I must have dozed off at some point. I opened my eyes and saw Gerard's back in the corner of my room with a shorter guy. The guy had dark hair, and similar clothing as Gerard; a black hoodie, red shirt underneath and dark skinnys. I could see a tattoo on his neck, but I couldn't make out what it was supposed to be. The guy was talking fast, and looked disappointed at Gerard. I couldn't see Gerard's face, his back turned to me, but he was using a calm and apoligetic voice. The guy looked at me with an annoyed look, but his eyes got wider and he shut his mouth as soon as he saw that I was awake. Gerard turned around and looked at me too, before he rushed to my side.

"Mikey! You're awake. How are you feeling? Do you hurt anywhere? I told them to get you more painkillers, but they wouldn't listen. I'm so sorry I'll just go get a nurse right -" "Gerard, I'm fine" my croaky voice interrupted his ranting, and it did the trick. He stood up straighter and motioned for the guy to get closer. When he was next to Gerard, he was close enough for me to see that the tattoo on his neck was a scorpion tattoo. I could also see letters on his fingers, but I couldn't make out what they said. "Mikey, this is Frank. My, uh..." He looked at Frank for a second, "My friend." Gerard finished. I looked at Frank and could see a hint of dissappointment, but he shrugged it off and gave me a slight smile.

"Hi, Mikey. Uh.. I brought some food for you guys?" He tried to give me a bigger smile as he raised a subway bag so I could see it. I just nodded as thanks, before looking back at Gerard. "Ok, so I'm just going to go.. Get better, Mikey." Frank said, so I looked back at him and gave him another nod as thanks, not really feeling like I needed to say anything to Gerard's "friend". Frank turned to Gerard and smiled, before giving him a hug and whispering something in his ear. Gerard nodded before they broke apart and Frank gave Gerard the Subways. Then Frank walked out of the room. Gerard looked after him before turning to me and giving me another smile. He sat down on the chair and just looked down at his hands.

"Are you hungry?" He asked after a few minutes of awkward silence. I nodded even though I wasn't really hungry right at that second, but I knew I would be soon because I hadn't eaten anything in days and I would be very hungry soon. Gerard smiled and opened the bag to peek in. "Okay, so Frank's a vegetarian and was kind of hoping you were too, so that's all he got 'cause we didn't know what you want.. uh. Is veggie okay? 'Cause I could probaly go get something else. I didn't really ask Frank to get these, he just brought them kind of. Well he called and asked if you were a vegetarian when he was-" "Vegetarian is great", I interrupted my ranting brother again. He took a deep breath and smiled before handing me a footlong sandwich. "You don't have to eat it all, but you can if you want to, of course. And I can still go get something else, just let me know." he said and smiled, before he reached down to a remote control and raised the upper part of the bed so I was kind of sitting and it would be easier to eat. He then gave me a drink, and I took a sip of the water before I started eating. I then opened the wrapper and took the first bite.

I ate in silence while Gerard was going off about how he met Frank for the first time. Apparently Frank hated it when stores didn't have what he wanted, so he had been going off on Gerard because he thought Gerard worked at the record store that didn't have the new Rihanna album. When he realized that Gerard was a regular guy looking for Black Flag, he made it very clear that the Rihanna album was for his sister. When they became closer friends after a few months, Gerard figured out that Frank didn't have a sister at all, but he never told Frank how his cover was blown.

Gerard's story was amusing, but I knew that he would want to talk about less pleasant things sooner or later. As I thought, he looked at me more seriously when I had finished eating. "How long, Mikey?" Gerard asked. At first I didn't know what he was talking about, so I had to ask. He gave a long sigh while closing hi eyes to calm down inside. "For how long has -" another sigh "- George done those things to you?" he asked. I could already see tears welling up in his eyes, but I didn't care; mine were already running down my face. "I don't want to talk about that, Gerard" I said stubbornly, and turned my head away from him.

"Mikey, please. This is serious, and they can't do anything about it if you won't talk about it! If we're going to press charges, we need to -" "DON'T!" I yelled. Gerard stopped talking and looked at me with shock written all over his face. "Don't what, Mikey?" He whispered after a few seconds of silence. "Don't press charges?" I nodded, "Mikey, for fuck's sake! He's been... doing stuff... to you more than once! He stabbed you and left you in a deserted alley! He took your home away! And we could get mom as well - seing everything happen but not doing any-" "Don't you fucking talk about my mother" I raised my voice at him, making him shut his mouth and look at me in shock again. "You don't fucking know what happened, why she didn't do anything! Guess why... because you weren't there, Gerard. He did it because he said it was her fault you got away! You weren't there to see her DEAD; strangled with lifeless eyes staring at you! Were you the one who had to bury your own mom? Ha ha, NO! So shut the fuck up about her. You chose to leave us. I have been blaming myself for all that's happened so far, I've been wanting to kill myself because of guilt - I wasn't able to protect her and now she's gone. And yes, George has been doing things to me. If you have to know, things have happened since the day you left!" I was almost screaming, tears falling down and hair sticking to my sweaty forhead.

The door opened and a nurse came in. "I heard screaming? Ah Michael, you're awake!" She put on a smile and came over to me, saw my face, and then looked at Gerard in concern. I could see that he was shocked and hurt by my words, but he just put on a smile and looked up at her. "We're just talking. He's fine, just had a bad dream" He lied. She looked back at me, and I nodded, before she smiled and went to the bottom of my bed to pull out a clip board. She checked the time on my bedside table before scribbling something down, smiling and walking back to the door, telling Gerard to get a nurse if we needed something. He thanked her and then she walked out and the door shut behind her.

We sat there in silence for several minutes, him staring at me and me staring at the ceiling. "Mom's... gone?" he whispered; tears still visible in his eyes. I just nodded, but I kept staring at the ceiling. I heard Gerard sigh before finally telling me that we would talk about it later and that I should go to sleep.

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