Even If Saving You Sends Me To Heaven

The next four days were tough. I didn't go back to George's place, but I didn't find another place to stay either. I was filthy, not showering for too many days. I had found a spot behind an old pile of junk to stay the night, but I didn't sleep. I was just sitting there, in the dark alley all night, looking around and thinking too much. I never felt safe there, but at least people wouldn't see me straight away if they passed me at night. Every second living was hanging in a thin thread. I hadn't had anything to eat in so many days. It felt as if my stomach tried to eat itself. I was still wearing the clothes from my birthday. I didn't even want to think about my birthday. The whole day was such a blur now, a horrible blur, and I didn't want to remember the details. The spot by the Sartbucks on Baker's Street was my favorite place to be. I liked just sitting there and looking at people with healthy, happy lives. Every night, when the last employee left the coffee shop, I would. get up and sit down behind my pile of junk. The four days I had spent on the street seemed like four fucking years, and I wasn't about to actually stay there for four years. There were sevreal things in my pile of junk that could easily replace the mental pain with physical, or take it away completely. Take me away from this earth and this life. I had picked up a sharp object, just holding it really, and looking at it, but I never went further. Something instide of me told me not to do anything. I was unwillingly still clinging to the hope that one day, It would be me and Gerard again - like in the old days.

I did regret what I had said to Gerard. Sure, it was true, but I didn't need to say it, let alone yell at him. It wouldn't have hurt me to hear him out either. He looked so hurt, so full of regret. I wanted to go to his appartment again, and talk to him, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. It would just be plain awkward. Something i couldn't get over was how he knew what George was doing to me? I hadn't told anybody, and I knew George hadn't either. George wasn't stupid, and he knew what he was doing was illegal. He wouldn't purposely put himself in prison. I was confused. I couldn't by any mean figure out how Gerard would have figured it out. It's not as if he'd seen...

"OH MY GOD!" I hissed. I was sitting next to my pile in the alley. It was early morning, and i had been thinking about various things all night. Maybe he did see. Maybe the silouette in the window that night wasGerard! I felt my heart skip a beat, before I hit my head against the brick wall I was leaning against multiple times. I hit harder and harder, until I saw my vision getting blurry. I never wanted to see Gerard again now. I was so ashamed. The way I had moaned just to satisfy George. The way my screams of "pleasure" were screams of pain. He must think so badly of me.

Just the thought made me gag, and I got up to walk it off. It was still in the early hours of the morning, but I couldn't sit there with all the objects making a suicide possible.

---

The following day, when I apporachd my spot at Starbucks, I coud see that it already was occupied. A large guy was sitting there; black hoodie covering my view of his face. He was leaning back against the wall, legs streched out in front of him and a cigarette dangling in between his fingers on the ground next to him. He was wearing dark sweats and old, worn our tennis shoes.. I was about to turn around to find another spot, but I just stood there. It was my spot, and I was the one who had the right to sit there. I aproached him, raising my shoulders slightly to make it seem like I had more authority than I actually had. I stopped right in front of him. As soon as I got there, he looked at me, and what I saw, scared me.

"'Ello, Michael", his cold, raspy voice said from the ground. Stricken by shock and fear, it took me a good ten seconds to register that George was sitting in front of me, a smirk plastered on his face. How could I have been stupid enough to think that he would ever leave me alone, let me stay away from him. Before I knew it, he had stood up and was gripping my arm tightly. The cigarette was forgotten long ago, and he was still wearing that smirk. It sent shivers down my spine. His grip on my arm got tighter every second as I stood there, mouth open and frozen with shock. His grip got so tight, I couldn't help but let out a yelp as I was sure it would leave a bruise. I was sure that wasn't the only bruise I was getting that night when he started dragging me towards his car around the corner. I tried to wrench his arm off me, I tried to scream and I tried to hurt him, but I was too week. After so many days without eating, drinking or sleeping, there was nothing I could do. George was a strong man, I should know that better than anybody else.

His car was parked in a small alleyway all alone. Horror struck me as I realized there were no people anywhere close. I gulped as he dragged me closer, and opened the back seat for me. When I didn't get in, he shoved me in and got in on top of me, almost crushing my fragile bones with his massive body. He slammed the door shut before looking at me with that sickening smirk. That's when I could smell the soberness on him; well, I couldnot smell the alcohol. He didn't waste time grabbing my hand and leading it down, straight into his boxers. "You know what to do" he simply said, before he let my hand go. My tears had appeared a long time ago, and they were running freely as I worked my hand back and forth, pumping his length to get him hard.

As soon as he was satisfied with my work, he got off me and sat down on the seats in stead of on top of me. He then lifted his hips and pulled his pants and boxers down in one swift movement. He then looked at me with a look telling me to get going. I nodded slightly, swallowed and leaned down to take him into my mouth. It was a sickening feeling, a sickening taste and a sickening realization that I wasn't able to get away from him, ever. He started moaning as I deepthroated him like I had done so many times before. His hand was in my hair, directing my head where to go, even though I already knew how to please him. Just as I felt him stiffen further I knew he was getting close. He moaned loudly, but pulled my head off him in the last second. I was glad to get away, and sat as far away as I possily could. He gripped one of my arms and jerked me back. He then tugged my pants and boxers down, and that's when I really started trashing, doinganything to get away, but he was simply too strong.

My barely healed wounds were ripped open again as he had his way with me, ignoring my screaming and pleads. I hit him sevreal times, but he just let me do it. I bit his arm that was next to my head to keep him up, but he didn't even notice. I could hear my blood squishing again, but I didn't care enough. My biggest task at the moment was staying awake. I was so weak, so hurt, so tired, so everything. I couldn't pass out - I needed to get away. The five minutes he spent inside of me were the most agonizing minutes of my life. He was rough and didn't care at all how I felt. I had to throw up, but nothing came out of my empty stomach as I gagged.I was litterally thanking the gods when I felt his release inside of me with a loud moan. As soon as he pulled out, I pushed myself away from him, unlocked the door and fell to the ground outside of his car. I could hear his sickening laugh as I crawled away. When I was a good ten feet away from the car, and he still hadn't gotten out, I stopped long enough to pull on my boxers and jeans. I knew I was bleeding. I could feel the warm liquid running down my thighs as I was crawling. I knew I couldn't possibly get away from him quick enough if he wanted to get me again. I saw him getting out of his car, and started crawling away again.

A huge amount of pain shot out from the right side of my back. I screamed out in pain and fell to the ground; fighting for enough air to breathe. I turned my head slightly and looked up at George, a pocket knife in his hand, some blood on it. I looked at it in horror, before I tried twisting enough to see my back, but pain shot through me again, and I let out a yelp, before dropping down on the ground completely. I heard an amused chuckle, before I saw George's feet disappear back to the car and soon enough heard the enigine starting up, driving away and disappearing. I let out another scream filled with pain, before I just gave it all up, and disaapeared into a world of pink flower, fluffy clouds and skittles.

I woke up to the sound of footsteps hitting the asfalt with a lot of force, and before long, I felt something cold on my face. I shot my eyes open, and sat up so I could defend myself. Pain shot through me from my back before I got far enough to sit up, so I gave it up with a yelp. "Mikey, lay still" I heard a familiar voice say. I opened my eyes and saw a pair of red converse in front of me. Gerard dropped down to his knees and putthe wet cloth away, not that I was awake. I had forgotten what happened, but as it all came back to me, I couldn't help but to let out a sob. It was pretty dark outside, but I could hear a car's engine close by, and it looked like the kind of light only a car could give surrounding us. I kept sobbing, not caring that Gerard could see me. "Shh, Mikey, it's okay, it's over, you're safe now" he whispered while brushing hair out of my face. I looked up at my brother and I could se that he too had been crying.

"Gerard.." I mumbled and I could see him smile at me while nodding. "I'm here, Mikey." He kept whispering and started running his hands throug my greasy hair. I coughed lightly before asking him to help me sit up. He did so with out arguing, but hesitated as I hissed out in pain. He then sat down next to me, leaning on the wall like I was. I took in my surroundings and saw that we still were in the alley where George had left me. "Mikey, we need to go to the hospital." I heard him say, but shook my head with too much force. He sighed, but didn't argue further. He knew we couldn't go. He had been a punchingbag for George himself and knew that it wasn't a good idea at all if George found out. I was sobbing too much to be able to say anything, cluching my side and feeling how much I had been bleeding. A large patch on my sweater was wet with blood. I reached further to try to feel how big the wound was, but I was met with some kind of fabric covering it already. I looked at my brother confused, but he just shrugged, telling me not to worry about that. We sat there for a few minutes, me trying to control my sobbing, and him just looking at his shoes. "I'm taking you to my place, Mikey. Please don't argue." he said. I just nodded and got ready to get up, but he was up before I could try. He leaned down and put one of my arms over his shoulder, holding his arm around my back, above the wound, and the he slowly straightened out, lifing me to a standing position at the same time. I whinced out in pain sevreal times, but I knew that I had to get up in order to get to his place. I saw his car a few feet away, and he lead me towards it, putting me in the passenger seat and closng the door before walking around and getting in on the driver's side. I felt bad for bleeding in his car, but he didn't seem to even let that thought cross his mind. I tried to prevent it, but the pain shot through me and made me let out a yelp. I could see Gerard look at me from the corner of his eyes, but didn't say anything. When I tried to turn myself around to prevent my blood from getting to the carseat, I almos let out a scream from the pain.

"Mikey, why are you moving? You need to stay still." I heard Gerard say, while keeping his eyes on the road. I just whimpered as I kept trying to sit up, but didn't answer. I felt the car slow down to a holt, and Gerard turned around, looking at me. I took a deep breath and held it as I forced myself around so I was sitting straight. I was leaning back against the seat and tried to relax before I finally turned to him and looked back at him. Blood was still gushing through the fabric Gerard had wrapped around me, so I tried stopping it by pressing my hand on the wound. "Sorry.. for bleeding in your car I mean" I managed to force out. Something changed in Gerard's eyes and he just looked at me seriously for a few seconds. I thought he was going to say that I'd have to make it up to him later, but he just forced a smile and told me that I shouldn't be. We sat there in silence for a few seconds before he started driving again.

"Please let me take you to the hospital, Mikey" he whispered. I shook my head furiously, making him sigh. I turned my head and looked out the window, at the old appartments and buildings passing. The sob from my brother made me turn back and I noticed that he was, indeed, crying. "Gee?" I whispered, not sure what to do. I hadn't called him Gee since the day he left, and I missed it. He looked at me, probably thinking the same. "Why are you crying?" I managed to ask. He sighed, let out a small laugh and wiped his eyes. "We need to go to the hospital, Mikey. This is serious. I don't want to force you, but I willif you won't come freely." He said. Horror struck me, but I knew he was right. I needed to go to the hospital. Therefor, I gave a slight nod and heard him sigh out in relief as he started his drive towards the building i dreaded.

Notes