Not Enough, I'm Never Enough

The first thing that floods my vision is a burning white background, the kind of glow that emanates from sunlit clouds, as my eyelids instinctively flutter open. Dazed with a slight stinging pain from my wrist but otherwise a bodily numb sensation, I slowly rotate my eyeballs to take in the new surroundings I’m in now. I recognise a few objects-a dirty and pale yellow door, magnolia white curtains, beds, IV bags and hand sanitising corners. The seemingly quiet and large air-conditioned room emits a sweet but strange syrup-like fragrance, and I hear the gentle patter of hurried footsteps and muffled voices from outside the door. ‘I’m in a hospital ward,’ I realise.

I rise from my bed, and a tightening stomach cramp strangles my abdomen as I struggle to sit up properly. My arms are aching with intense discomfort, like there are two vines curling up on them, and my sore legs are exploding in pain. My whole body’s an absolute wreck.
But the worst thing of it all is the situation I’m in. What happened earlier? What happened to me? Who took me here? Why would they take me to a hospital? There are so many questions buzzing through my head, and so many issues left unanswered. I don’t get it at all.
Suddenly, I sense something warm on my left cheek. Mystified, I reach up to the spot with a trembling finger. Tears. They are tears. They drip down onto my shirt sleeve, one by one, slowly but surely. And I can’t help but wonder what could’ve caused it. Closing my eyes, I try to recall events that may have happened before I ended up here.

I…I was angry. Furious. Screaming at two kids, no, specifically one, for having messed up with my thoughts and actions. For taking away my ability to think rationally, like I normally do. For making me conjure naïve fantasies that will never come true in an alternate universe. For…making me fall in love.

Is this true? That I’m in love with someone? Is that why this tragedy occurred? I’ve read enough of Romeo and Juliet to form the philosophy that love never has a happy ending. Someone always dies. Someone’s heart is always broken in the end.

But this can’t be. I’m an emotionless human being. The only emotions I feel for people are resentment towards my parents for having misunderstood me, and unconditional love for my brother Mikey. I don’t even feel any form of anger towards my bullies. I punch them back, sure, but I never feel anything for them. They weren’t, and never will be, worthy of my attention in any way. And yet, I felt utmost outrage towards this one person in my outbreak. Why? He’s just like any other handsome guy I see on the television every day. He has the same beautiful eyes, face and body as the rest of the male models out there. And I’ve only been in an actual conversation with him twice. No, thrice-I yelled at him. Immediately, regret fills my veins.

What had he done wrong? He was only fulfilling his duty of a Head Student Councillor, though ignoring some of the appearance rules himself. I was in the wrong as well, somewhat, because of putting on my eyeliner. But I was the new kid, right? Couldn’t I be excused?
But I didn’t even mention that in my argument at all. I was instead hollering bullshit about how the both of them broke the school rules and weren’t true school leaders. I was saying stuff that didn’t make sense at all. How am I supposed to know how much of good role models they really are? I’ve barely been in Belleville High for two days!

Suddenly, my mind switches to the thought of time. I look around for a wall clock, and find it ticking behind me. 3:02 pm-late afternoon. It’s probably still the same day.

Drying my tears, I stare into blank space the rest of the time I’m alone. I don’t bother to watch other patients-most of them are sleeping, anyway-and instead let my mind wander off to thoughts about my comics sketchpad (gods, I’d give anything for it to be here right now), my music player (Smashing Pumpkins and Pink Floyd can’t get the better of me) and my brother. Where is he now when I’m suffering? ‘Guess you don’t mean much to him, after all,’ a small, annoying voice whispers in the back of my head, renewing my tear glands with fresh liquid.
All of a sudden, the door opens, and in walks in the person I’ve been pondering about this whole time. The boy I want to avoid the most right now. The boy who’s twisted my mind and heart in an irreplaceable way.

“Frank,” my voice comes out, raw, gritty and dry. As if I’ve never spoken for a decade. His eyes tighten and his lips curl into a cruel, sardonic smirk.

“Loser,” he snickers. “Got affected by me so much you had to slit your wrists? You’re a pathetic bitch.”

Ouch. Did I do that? Is that why I’m here on a bed right now? Self-harm has been a long-term habit for me, but I usually don’t do it unless I’m really in deep shit-the same goes for beer as well.

“So what if I just call off something that can only be labelled as a one-night stand?” He continues, carefully edging his way towards me. His eyes are glinting with an emotion-is it sadness? Fury? “Don’t you get that-“ his voice rises up a notch, “-what you’ve just done is absolutely life-changing? Gerard, once you’re dead, you’re dead forever!” His face softens and contorts in a miserable expression. I can only stare at him uncomprehendingly. What is his fucking point?

“Gerard,” he says again, “I know-“ he pauses for a while, “-I know that we have a lot to discuss about that party night, and about our, ahem, conversation earlier today. Really. I can’t make much sense of it too. And my girlfriend-“

“-So what about your fucking slut?” I interrupt, a sudden fire raging through my veins. It’s the same feeling I felt earlier, I’m sure of it. “You certainly didn’t think of her when we were in the goddamn party. You certainly didn’t think of her when you said I was cute. You certainly didn’t think of her when you wanted to fuck me!” I catch my breath, and continue again. “You may think I’m a pitiful freak who self-harms and feels like shit, but you’re the one who’s all of that, Iero. You manipulate others to succumb to your pathetic needs! Don’t you feel ashamed of yourself? You-“

“-Your parents and your brother are waiting outside. They’ll come in when I get out of here. I need to go back to Chemistry. Later, when you feel okay in the head again, you can thank me for rescuing you from potential death,” he informs me in a flat voice, his entire demeanour turned into a more serious and distant one-one that is of a higher authority. He pulls out a small pink slip of paper from his pocket and hands it to me. I squint at the small black print. “Demerit for wearing eyeliner to school. You will serve detention with me the first day you get back to school.” I notice the corner of his lips turn up just a fraction of a second before he hurriedly turns and walks away, slamming the door behind me, while I watch on in disbelief and outrage. A midget, an elf four whole inches shorter than me, just gave me detention. Even after being admitted into a hospital.

I feel revenge.

Notes

Just wanna say thanks for all the kind support you've given me so far. It is truly your compassion that keeps me motivated to write. I'm feeling better about MCR now, and I realize that although they may not be around, their songs and their legacy lives on forever. Gee himself has said so, and Frank and Ray still entertain queries about MCR. Mikey pops in once in a while, and they frequently chat with each other on Twitter. They've not completely forgotten about their wonderful past, after all.

Thank you for being a wonderful family,
Static Nightmare xx