still hiding

i was clean for so long, it was almost a year. i broke that. Why what good did these cuts do for me. i already hate my body image and these cuts i am ashamed of. They only make me happy for a little bit but then i need to hide them and be ashamed even more. I hate myself with a passion, so why am i ruining it more? shouldnt be trying to fix myself? I am not doing very well with healing. I want more, the cuts felt so good, for once in what seems like forever my mind was focusing on something, i accomplished something, the deeper i cut the stronger i become. maybe one day i will be strong enough to...do it. One day i will put myself out of my miseries. I will just keep waiting for that day to come or end i guess. i dream of death. most people death is a nghtmare but for me it seems like a relief, i will finally be free and rest in peace. once i go i wont get yelled at or hit by my father, i wont need to see my mother being pushed around by him, i would be able to eave veronica without feeling as bad. All of these where positive reasons to go, is there a negative reason for me to go? what is holding me back? i ask myself this all the time. Do i seriously think i will find love? Who would want such a fuck up bad luck charm in their life... just what i thought, no one. I would be better off dead. I want it and i bet everyone else does too they just cant say it but i can imagine them wishing it o talking about how much better they would be if i just disappeared. I am positive they are wishing for my death, a deathwish. i get a little happy when i think about my death, just to imagine not ever being depressed again. It sounds to good to be true.

Notes

this fanfic is starting to get a little personal and bringing back the past *sigh*
well good night, please subscribe and comment ways i can improve. thanks so much!!!


3/30/15