The day, that until a few hours ago had seemed so perfect, had been forever changed. Now as Gerard stood staring at the child’s tombstone a light mist began to fall. In the back of his mind this served as yet another reminder of how quickly things can change. Looking down he saw Lucy’s head was bowed, her shoulders shaking as she sobbed silently.

Gerard lowered himself to the ground beside her. “I’m so sorry.” Were the only words he could mutter. “So sorry.”

“We both wanted to go with them.” Lucy whispered brokenly.

He understood her words but it was the depth of the pain in her voice that caused him to momentarily close his eyes. That day, etched on the tombstones, was the day Lucy’s world had stopped. He couldn’t begin to imagine the horror of losing your whole family.

“That day was the last time Rex would ever go anywhere in the truck.” Lucy said softly swiping at her tears, “Instead of staying with them, he went with me.”

Gerard knew she needed to release her pain, she needed to tell him what had happened but the rain had turned from a mist to large drops. He needed to get Lucy off the damp ground and back to the house. Slowly he stood then reached for her arm. “Let’s go home.” He said pulling her to her feet.

“I have no home.” She swayed slightly and Gerard quickly placed his arm around her waist. “Just a prison full of regret. If only….” Again her body swayed.

Quickly, praying she wouldn’t resist, he started to pull her away from the graveside. Her steps were slow as they left the cemetery.

Once they were back on the road Gerard tightened his hold on her. His only thought at the moment was to get her out of the rain, get her dried off, then hold her in his arms. Neither spoke as they walked back towards the house.

Inside the front door he kicked off his shoes then reached down to remove Lucy’s. She stood silently, but when he looked into her face his breath caught. Tears stained her cheeks but her eyes had lost all emotion, they looked dead.

He led her into the living room where he grabbed a blanket. He wrapped it around her then sat down pulling her on to his lap. Her head was lying on his chest.

“It’s gonna be okay.” He whispered, “I’ve got you.”

Again her body began to shake. Her words were spoken so softly he had to strain to hear. “What kind of mother tried to erase the memory of her child from her mind?”

“One that is drowning in pain and sorrow.” Gerard answered tightening his arms around her frail body. “It was the only way you could go on.”

Lucy’s eyes fluttered closed. “I didn’t want to go on.” She fell silent a few moments then added, “I tried not to go on. I just wanted to be with them.”

The meaning of her words struck deep in his heart. “Oh Lucy.” He whispered.

This was something she’d also tried to forget. “A few weeks after...I took a handful of pills, washed them down with whiskey.”

The thought of this woman he loved with all his heart trying to end her life tore at not only his heart but soul.

Lucy spoke as the memories filled her mind. “Rafe came to me in a dream. He was angry at what I’d done. He told me I had to live, I couldn’t be with him and Lizzy.” A sob escaped her lips, “He said I had to let them go.”

Gerard kissed the top of her head wishing he could say something that would ease the pain consuming her.

“I cleared the house of anything that would remind me of them.” Lucy said slowly. “Losing Rafe…it was something I thought I could handle but Lizzy….” Her hot wet tears were soaking Gerard’s shirt. “I tried to make myself believe she’d never existed.”

Again he felt so useless, what could anyone say?

Time slipped by as he held her in his arms. The evening shadows now filled the room, the rain beat down on the roof. It was almost an hour before Lucy spoke again.

“I need to remember.”

Gerard took one of her hands in his. “Then remember, Lucy.”

She shifted slightly in his arms. “She was so beautiful”

Gerard understood how painful this was but knew in his heart it was right to encourage her. “Tell me about her, please.”

With her eyes closed Lucy began to speak softly, “She was born after we moved here.” As the memories began to fill her mind she struggled to continue. “But I almost lost her, by the time we reached the hospital I was hemorrhaging, Lizzy was in trouble. She wasn’t due for almost two months.” Her voice trailed off. “I prayed so hard for my baby. I didn’t want them to take her but the doctors said we’d both die if they didn’t.”

Gerard tightened his hold on her hand silently urging her to go on.

“I remember waking in the hospital and Rafe was sitting beside me. The look on his face…” Her body trembled, “I thought we’d lost the baby but what we’d lost was my ability to have more children. Lizzy was in an incubator fighting for her life.”

Gerard waited knowing she’d speak again when she could.

“Lizzy was in the hospital for more than three weeks before she was strong enough to leave. I stayed with her but Rafe had to go back to work. We had no health insurance and the bills were piling up. So he’d work all day in Iola then come to the hospital to see us before coming back here to take care of the farm.”

“That had to be hard for him.” Gerard said softly trying to imagine what Rafe went though.

Lucy nodded slightly, “It was but he always said as long as he had his girls he could handle anything life sent his way.”

Again she fell silent and Gerard waited.

When Lucy spoke her voice had changed. Memories of her daughter now filled her mind. “Lizzy was such a happy little girl and so smart. I thanked God everyday for her. It didn’t matter that we were struggling to make ends meet, nothing mattered but my family.”

Outside thunder rumbled but inside Lucy was lost in the memories.

“We lived in this house but when Lizzy turned two we decided to move.”

Gerard was surprised.

“The other house was larger and Lizzy wanted a bigger bedroom.”

As soon as she said “other” house his heart filled with sadness. He knew she was speaking of the other house on the property, the house that now stood as nothing more than a burned out shell.

“So we slowly started remodeling that house.” Lucy explained, “During the day Lizzy and I worked on cleaning and painting the inside. It has been empty for years and there was so much work that needed to be done. It took us a very long time but we worked together.”

Gerard once more kissed the top of her head, waiting.

“By this time Rafe was working two jobs in Iola and still trying to take care of the farm. I did what I could but my first priority was always Lizzy.”

“Of course it was.” Gerard said softly. He suddenly felt her body tense.

“That October was colder than usual.” Her voice changed yet again now it sounded devoid of emotion. “It snowed early. Lizzy was thrilled, she loved the snow.”

He wanted so badly for her to go on but knew it would be wrong to push her so he waited. After about ten minutes she spoke again.

“The other house was almost ready. Rafe and I had wanted to wait to move in until it was completely done but Lizzy was so excited. We’d painted her new room lilac.” Lucy paused the forced herself to go on. “That was her favorite color.” Tears suddenly rolled down her face, “How could I have forgotten that?”

“Honey, you didn’t really forget, you only put the memory away.”

“She loved lilac from the first time she saw the other house.” Lucy said as the memories started to flood her mind. “It had huge lilac bushes all around it. Lizzy said the flowers looked like purple raindrops.”

Gerard smiled sadly, “That’s true, they do.”

It was several minutes before Lucy could continue. “So we started to move some of our stuff over to the new house.” A sad smile covered her face, “Lizzy carried her box of treasures from her room across the yard, she was so excited about putting them in her new lilac bedroom. So excited.” Suddenly tears filled her eyes again. “But it was snowy and cold, the first night we spent there she got sick.”

Gerard waited for her to go on.

“The furnace in the house was old and not working properly. Rafe tried to fix it but we knew we’d have to hire someone. That night the temperature dropped, and we used space heaters.”

He feared what she would say next.

“In the morning Lizzy’s cold was worse. I wanted to come back here where it was warmer but Lizzy started crying, she loved her new room and didn’t want to leave so I stayed with her while Rafe went to work.” She paused as that fateful day became clearer in her mind. “At lunch time he called to check on her.” Lucy looked up into Gerard’s eyes, “Yes, we used to have a phone. We’d had the service switched to the new house.”

He nodded.

"I told him Lizzy was feeling a little better but that she was still running a fever. He was supposed to pick up some medicine on his way home.” Again she lowered her head and Gerard could feel her tears.

“Rafe worked so hard, he was so tired.” Her voice shook, “I was such a bitch. He came home late and he’d forgotten the medicine.” Now her voice broke and she sobbed “I yelled at him for forgetting.”

“Honey you were just worried about Lizzy, that’s understandable.”

“No” She shook her head, “It was wrong. He was so tired from trying to take care of everything and I yelled at him.”

Gerard tightened his arm around her body, “Lucy, I’m sure he understood why you were upset. You can’t keep letting that eat away at you.”

Lucy ignored his words. “There was still a little medicine left in the bottle. It could have waited until morning but I threw a fit, said she had to have more medicine.”

When several minutes passed and she didn’t speak Gerard asked, “Honey, what happened?”

“Rafe tried to tell me he’d get the medicine first thing in the morning. He was only working the one job so he’d have time to drive into town. But I wouldn’t listen. I’d convinced myself Lizzy’s temperature was going to spike during the night. So I went to get the medicine” She paused then added in a whisper, “Rex went with me.”

Gerard closed his eyes as the awful truth became clearer. Lucy and Rex had survived because they had left Rafe and Lizzy behind.

Her voice was haunted as she continued, “I saw the smoke from the highway. At first it looked to be past our place but as I got closer…in my heart I knew.” Her eyes closed at the pain became unbearable. “Most of the house was engulfed in flames by the time I pulled up. Several people were there, Clyde was one of them. He ran to the truck and asked me where Rafe and Lizzy were. I couldn’t answer him, the horror of the flames…” Again her body shook.

“Lucy you don’t have to go on.” Gerard whispered. “It’s okay.”

Suddenly she sat upright, “No, I have to go on. I need to go on.”

He stared into her pain filled eyes then nodded.

“As soon as I opened the truck door Rex jumped out. He ran to the house trying to get in. So did I but Clyde grabbed me, he kept me from going inside.”

“He knew there was nothing you could do.”

She nodded slightly, “But oh God, I wanted to go inside. I struggled with him. Rex was barking, running around the house. When he started to claw at the front door someone else pulled him away. His paws got burned. They pulled him into the yard just as the front porch collapsed.”

“There was nothing you and Rex could have done.” He said softly.

Lucy’s eyes were wide, “Of course there was. I shouldn’t have gone. I knew how tired Rafe was, I knew it. He’d fallen asleep on the couch. The fire started in the living room.” She lowered her head, “They said he died of smoke inhalation.”

Gerard squeezed her hand, “It was a horrible accident.”

There was no consoling Lucy, “If I had been home I would have noticed the smoke. If Rex had stayed with them he would have started barking. Rafe and my baby would have gotten out of the house.”

Gerard started to speak when Lucy fell completely apart.

“Oh God.” She sobbed, her body shaking uncontrollably, “My baby. She was in her room. If only I’d been there but…”

“Lucy.” Gerard hugged her tightly.

Lucy broke free and sat up. “They found her in the closet. She was afraid and tried to hide from the fire. My baby was scared and I wasn’t there. She died alone.” Suddenly all the pain turned to anger, “She was my gift, my treasure but I didn’t protect her.”

“Lucy, stop.” Gerard grabbed her shoulders. “It wasn’t your fault. You thought you were doing what was best for her by going to get the medicine. There was no way in hell you could have predicted what would happen.”

She stared at him then suddenly her body slumped.

Gerard forced her chin up so he could look into her eyes, “You have to let go of this guilt.”

“I can’t.” She whispered brokenly. “You can’t begin to imagine the pain of losing your child.”

Her words hit him deeply as an image of Bandit filled his mind. “No” He said, his voice laced with emotion, “I can’t begin to imagine that pain.”

The pain Lucy saw in his eyes made her push some of her own aside. “I’m sorry. I know you’re trying to help me.”

“Because I love you.” He answered immediately from the depths of his heart.

“I’ve lived here since it happened.” Lucy said softly, “Waiting for the day I could be with them again.”

He knew she was speaking the truth. Reaching out he gently stroked her cheek, “But think, what did Rafe tell you in your dream?”

Lucy blinked in surprise.

God, he wondered, how would she react if she knew not only Rafe but her grandmother were trying to help her. “He wants you to live, not just exist but to live.”

“I’ve had several dreams since I met you.” Lucy admitted looking down.

Again he tilted up her chin, “Tell me.”

“Rafe told me again to live.” She whispered.

Gerard nodded, “It’s what he wants, Lucy.”

She shook her head, “You can’t know that. Maybe I’m just dreaming what I want to believe.”

Again he was torn, if only she knew that he too had seen Rafe but in his case not in a dream.
He tried to make her believe, “Lucy, he loved you very much. If something had happened to you would you want him to go on, to live?”

“Of course.” She nodded slowly.

“Because of your love for him.” Gerard said softly.

Lucy blinked back fresh tears, “Yes”

“Then why can’t you understand he’s want the same for you?”

“But he was such a good man.” A tear rolled down her cheek, “He deserved to live.”

“She’s so wrong.”

Gerard tried not to flinch or tear his gaze away from Lucy but it was difficult. He knew Rafe was standing just behind her.

“God” Rafe’s voice was full of anguish, “I forgot Lizzy’s medicine because I stopped on the way home for a beer. She’s making me into some kind of saint. Make her stop.”

Gerard pulled Lucy into his arms again so he could look over her shoulder. His eyes met Rafe’s in silent acknowledgement.

“Damn” Rafe sighed, “You have to make her let go of the guilt. Take her away from here.”

Gerard stared at him.

Suddenly Rafe began to fade, “Not much time.” He muttered, “Damn, it. Not much time. The storm is coming.”

Gerard closed his eyes when Rafe was completely gone.

“Gerard?”

He pulled back to look into her eyes.

“I can’t think anymore, I can’t …..”

“It’s okay, Sugar.” He caressed her cheek, “Why don’t you lay back and try to sleep?” He knew she was mentally exhausted.

“No” Lucy shook her head, “That’s not what I want..” Her head dipped, “I want you to take me upstairs and make love to me.”

He understood her need to feel physical love in the mist of such anguish. When he nodded Lucy slipped on his lap then stood waiting. Taking her hand he led her to the stairs. Suddenly she halted.

“What is it?” Gerard asked softly.

“I love you.” She said looking deeply into his eyes. “I just want to make sure you believe that.”

She was worried he’d been hurt by discussing her love of Rafe. “I know you do. And I love you. We both have pasts, pasts that at times haunt us, won’t let us go. But in the here and now our love is strong.”

Lucy nodded, “Yes”

When they reached the top of the stairs she immediately moved down the hall to the bedroom where Gerard had first stayed.. “This was my bedroom once.” Lucy sighed.

This was the room where she’d spent her married life with Rafe. The fact didn’t bother Gerard as long as he knew for sure she was making love with him not dreaming about a memory.

“I loved Rafe so deeply I never thought I could feel that kind of love again.” Lucy released Gerard’s hand then stood back. “Until I met you.”

His voice was thick with emotion, “I love you, Lucy.” As the words left his lips he swept her into his arm then carried her to the bed.

_______________________________________________

“I have found your brother.”

Mikey sat his drink down on the counter as he clutched the phone with is other hand. “You’ve seen him?”

“No” Alan admitted, “But I’ve confirmed he is in Neosho Falls staying with the woman from the photograph.”

“How do you know that’s the woman?”

Alan laughed, “Took a little bit of digging but in a town as small as Neosho Falls it didn’t take long. Her name in Lucy Marteniz. She widowed and owns a farm.”

“Widowed?”

“Yes, that’s how I discovered she’s the woman in the photo with Gerard. The man I spoke with in the bar confirmed Lucy has a man staying with her named Gerard.”

Mikey interrupted him, “So he’s using his real name.”

“Yes” Alan answered, “He told me where Lucy lives so I checked the tax records to get her last name.”

Mikey was slightly confused, “So how do you know what she looks like?”

Alan sighed, “When I Googled her name and location I came up with a story from about ten years ago that was from a local paper. At one time there were two houses on her property. One burned killing her husband and child.”

“Shit.” Mikey muttered.

“In the photograph from ten years ago she looks much younger but it was still very easy to see she’s the woman in the photo with your brother.” He paused then added, “I’d like to know how you’d like me to proceed?”

Mikey thought a moment. “This Neosho Falls…how far is it from a large town?”

“It’s just over an hour from Wichita”

“I’m going to see if I can get a flight. If not I’ll fly into KC.”

“So you do not want me to approach your brother?”

“No” Mikey answered quickly, “I’ll call you back as soon as I get my flight information. Then you can give me directions to where he’s staying.”

_______________________________________________

The only sound in the bedroom was the rain beating down on the roof. After making sweet, gentle love Gerard held Lucy in his arms until she’d fallen asleep. Now as he gazed down at her his heart once more ached. He’d do anything in his power for her never to have to feel such pain again and yet…

He shifted slightly then almost held his breath as she stirred. He didn’t want to wake her, she needed to rest her weary mind and body. He too wished he could sleep but that was impossible. His mind refused to slow down, his thoughts jumbled. This couldn’t go on. His love for Lucy made him realize how dangerous this all had become. Lucy was a wounded soul who’d allowed him the chance to help her heal. It was what he wanted, it was what her grandmother and Rafe wanted, that he knew. But the situation had gotten out of hand and there was no one to blame but himself. He should have been honest with her the first night he arrived. He should have told her who he was and that he was married but he hadn’t. Fear filled his heart when he imagined Lucy finding out the truth. How would she react? In the deepest part of his heart he knew she’d be hurt. He also knew his only chance was to make her understand he’d been a different man when he’s first arrived. His only thoughts had been what he wanted, what he thought was best for him. She’s helped him see the path he’d chosen was destroying him and his loved ones. She’s offered him peace and security and love.

“Lizzy.” Lucy murmured in her sleep.

Immediately Gerard stroked her hair, knowing she was dreaming of her lost child.
Again his thoughts went to his daughter. His baby. How could he have simply left LA not giving a thought to her? Did she miss him as desperately as he missed her? It was while thinking about Bandit another thought crept into his mind. How would Lucy react once she knew he had a daughter? He suddenly remembered the day in Iola when they’d seen the mother with her young daughter and baby. At the time he’d wondered if Lucy liked children since she’d seem to withdraw. Now he understood her actions. Seeing the little girl had caused the memories she’d repressed to stir.

Lucy’s body began to tremble so he tightened his arms around her.

“I have to make this right.” Gerard whispered to himself. “I can’t allow her to he hurt again.”

Yet even as he said the words the image of Rafe flashed in his mind as well as his words. Time was running out, Gerard could feel it. The storm was coming. He closed his eyes praying for a way to survive that storm without losing Lucy.