Gerard awoke the next morning disorientated and with a very stiff neck. He’d passed out in his office chair and had remained there all night. Slowly he sat up, his head pounding when suddenly the events from last night came rushing back to him. “Oh fuck” he muttered remembering what had happened with Karli. “Oh fuck”

He stood grabbing on to his desk to keep from falling. His stomach was churning and it took several moments before he was sure he wasn’t going to throw up. All the while the voice in his head was taunting him. “She was right you fucked the nanny” Gerard tried to ignore that voice, tried to ignore the overwhelming guilt. The voice grew louder as he looked down in shame at his jeans on the floor. He’d fallen asleep like this, what if someone had come into the study? What if Bandit…. He felt his eyes tear up. “What’s happened to me?” He whispered.

After several attempts he got himself redressed while fighting waves of nausea. It wasn’t easy. Finally he slowly stumbled towards the door noticing for the first time the house was completely silent. He prayed he was alone because he knew he needed time to get himself together before facing anyone.

He started towards the kitchen walking like a man twice his age. He felt like a man twice his age, his body hurt and his head felt like it was about to explode. When he reached the kitchen he saw the note on the table. Grabbing the piece of paper he rubbed his eyes trying to focus on Lindsey’s handwriting.

“Shit.” He all but fell into one of the chairs as the meaning behind her words forced their way into his brain.

“I’VE TAKEN BANDIT AND KARLI WITH ME TO NEW YORK. NOT SURE HOW LONG WE’LL BE GONE. YEAH I’VE TAKEN BOTH OF YOUR PLAYMATES.

The piece of paper fluttered to the table as he lowered his head and closed his eyes.

“No” He shouted sitting back up. He couldn’t let this happen. His cell was laying nearby. “Please answer” he whispered as it began to ring.

“What?” Lindsey’s voice was angry.

“Linds I just work up. What the hell? Why are you going to New York?” He could hear that wherever she was it was loud.

“We’re already at the airport.” Lindsey said moving away from where Karli and Bandit sat in uncomfortable plastic chairs.

“You had this trip planned, didn’t you?”

For a brief moment she felt sorrow for the hurt she heard in his voice. She pushed that feeling aside. “Yeah, so?”

“But why?”

Lindsey snorted, “Why? Because I don’t want to be with you in that house.”

He ran his hand over his eyes not noticing it was shaking. “Please come back. We need to talk about this.”

“This?” her voice grew ridged. “And what would ‘this’ be? Our marriage?”

“Yeah, our marriage.”

“Told you yesterday my feeling on that. You live your life and I’ll live mine.”

He leaned heavily against the table. “Linds, please. I’m sorry about what happened but it didn’t mean shit. No, wait, I didn’t mean that like it sounds. I’m sorry about what happened.”

She glanced across the crowded airport. “You mean what happened between you and Karli? Told you I don’t care. But I did ask you to be discreet and you seem to be having a problem with that.”

Guilt washed over him making him close his eyes. “Linds…”

“Yeah I looked into your study this morning. What a great sight, you sleeping in the chair, pants…”

“Stop.” He ground out. “Just stop.”

Again she laughed. “Hey, it’s okay. I told Karli she could try to make you feel better and obviously she did.”

He tried to make her understand. “That’s not what I wanted.”

“Oh really? I suppose Karli forced you to fuck her?”

“Please come home.” He whispered.

“Not a chance. You stay in the haunted shithole. I’m done.”

His heart began to race. “Done?”

“We can go on pretending to be married if you want. But I’m done living there with you.”

A tear rolled down his cheek. “Please we can fix this.”

She sighed once again hating the sadness in his voice was getting to her. “No, we can’t fix it. We both know that. Figure out what you want to do. If you want to keep pretending we have a marriage you’ll have to find another place for us to live. One with more bedrooms.”

He understood she was telling him any physical relationship between them was over.

“If not we’ll get divorced.” She saw passengers on their flight were starting to move towards the gate. “It’s up to you because I don’t give a shit.” With that she disconnected. She brushed away a stay tear, took a deep breath then turned her phone off.

Gerard threw the phone down on the table then lowered his head.

___________________________________________________________________


By the time his close friend Joe arrived Gerard had showered and dressed.

“Wow you look like shit.” Joe said as Gerard held the door open allowing him to move into the foyer. “What’s up?”

Gerard didn’t answer only nodded for Joe to follow him. He’d called his friend not long after talking to Lindsey because he desperately needed to talk to someone. Once they were seated on the sofa Gerard spoke.

“Fuck, I don’t know where to begin.”

Joe stared at his friend realizing that whatever was wrong it wasn’t just physical. Gerard’s eyes looked haunted. “Where’s Lindsey?’ He asked slowly trying to figure out what was going on.

“She took Bandit and left for New York.” He paused then added “She’s left me.”

“What? Are you serious? What the hell happened?” He’d always believed Gerard and Lindsey had a good, solid marriage.

It hurt that Joe was so surprised. Gerard knew this was only because he’d kept the truth from him, he’d kept the truth about how for the last year his marriage had been falling apart from everyone. Slowly he began to reveal the painful truth. He forced himself to tell Joe about yesterday, forced himself to leave nothing out. When his voice finally fell silent Joe was staring at him in shock.

“Shit, Gee. I’m sorry.” Joe said softly.

Gerard sighed, “I knew before I left on tour it was all coming to a head but I tried to push it from my mind. I guess I just kept thinking that since both Linds and I loved Bandit so much we’d work through shit together.”

Joe nodded, “Yeah, I understand but…” he paused “I mean, shit Gee, the nanny?”

Gerard leaned back in his chair while shaking his head, “I told you what happened the first time. Fuck, I was drunk and I honestly thought at first she was Lindsey.” He hated to make himself go on but he had to. “Guess I’d been dreaming about Linds and when I felt…shit, I wanted it to be Linds.” His voice dropped to a whisper. “It’d been so long since…”

For several minutes neither man spoke. Joe was giving everything he’d just learned a lot of thought and Gerard was overwhelmed with emotions. Finally Joe leaned foreword.

“Look, I’m guessing you invited me here to talk and maybe to offer you my opinion.”

“Fuck yeah. I had to talk to someone about this. I can’t tell Mikey. He’ll go off on my ass telling me it’s all my fault because I’m drinking too much again.”

Joe nodded, “And really he’d have a valid point.” When he saw Gerard was upset by his words he went on quickly, “But I understand why you don’t want to tell him.”

Reaching for his cigarettes Gerard lit one then exhaled a long stream of smoke. “So, what do you think? What the fuck and I supposed to do now?”

“First off, do you still love her?”

The question hung in the air for several moments before Gerard could force himself to answer. “Not like I did, not like I should. But damn it I don’t want to get divorced.”

Joe had known Gerard a long time and wasn’t surprised. “So you want to just pretend you’re happily married? That’s how you want to live for the rest of your life?”

“Fuck, I don’t know.” Gerard answered miserably. “I’m fuckin afraid that would hurt Bandit.”

“Kids pick up on things.” Joe said softly. “I’m sure as she gets older she’d realized her mom and dad didn’t have a good marriage.”

“I wish none of this shit had happened.” Gerard said before taking another puff. “I just want it to all go away.”

Joe smiled sadly. “That’s how you always think, ignore and it will go away. Well friend, this ain’t gonna go away.” He paused, “Uh, and you have to deal.”

Gerard stared at him. “What do you want to say?”

Running his hand through his dark, curly hair, Joe laughed. “You always can tell when I’m trying not to say something, can’t you?”

“Yeah.” Gerard nodded. “So out with it.”

“Look, I don’t want to bad mouth Lindsey. I’ve always liked her.”

His head was starting to pound again. “Just tell me what you think.”

Joe settled back against the cushions. “I’m just wondering how much of this was planned.”

“Planned?”

“From what you’ve told me, it seems to me that maybe Lindsey had been anticipating this happening for a while.”

“We’ve been having problems for over a year.” Gerard agreed.

“Right.” Joe nodded, “So maybe she realized you two were headed for a divorce. Maybe that’s why she wants a bigger place because she knows if you two divorce she’ll get custody of Bandit and the house.”

Gerard was surprised by his words. He’d only briefly mentioned Lindsey wanting to move. He’d completely kept silent on her saying she believe their house was haunted.

When Gerard didn’t speak Joe went on. “If she forces you to buy another place she’d definitely get more of your assets. I’m not saying that’s what she’s thinking I’m just saying it’s a possibility.”

“Fuck, she’ll already get half.” Gerard said slowly while giving himself time to consider his friends words.

Joe nodded, “That’s true but a bigger house that she’d most likely get because of Bandit would be nice.”

Gerard hated to think like this. “I don’t know. I don’t think Linds would do that.”

As Gerard’s close friend Joe felt it was important for him to consider all the possibilities. “I’m sure you didn’t think she’d tell the nanny it was okay to have sex with you either.”

“Oh fuck.” Gerard whispered. “Now she has the perfect defense doesn’t she? I’m an adulterer.”

“Yeah, you are.”

“But.” Gerard was stunned beyond words.

“Karli and Lindey are close.” Joe said softly. “Not saying it would happen but if she filed for divorce don’t you think it’s possible Karli would side with her?”

He couldn’t make himself believe this. “But she came on to me. Lindsey knew and said she didn’t give a fuck.”

Joe, who’d met Karli several times and didn’t like the girl knew he had to make Gerard consider the possibilities. “Can you just imagine that young girl tearfully telling the judge that you used her? That you had her suck you off while your wife was out of town?”

“Fuck.” Gerard exploded. “I didn’t want her to do it.”

“But you allowed her to.” Joe reminded him sadly. “And then just imagine Karli saying that you told her your life was okay with the relationship. That you two had sex while your wife was asleep in the house.”

“But…”

“Gerard, think about it.” Joe said holding up his hands. “All Lindsey would have to say is she had no idea what kind of relationship was going on. Karli would back her up. Who do you really think a judge would believe?”

Jumping from his seat Gerard made his way to the liquor cabinet. He poured a stiff drink for himself and Joe.

“Thanks” Joe said taking the glass Gerard extended towards him. As much as he wanted to point out his friend was drinking too much lately, he didn’t. Right now he understood Gerard needed a drink.

Gerard sat back down, took a long gulp then spoke. “But why does any of this shit really matter? Linds is entitled to half of everything.”

“Because maybe she wants more. Think about it, you wouldn’t want his shit becoming public knowledge and Lindsey knows that. You wouldn’t want people to know you’d fucked your daughter’s nanny.”

“You’re saying I’ve been set up.”

“I’m saying it’s a possibility. I’m not sure how much you know about Karli..”

“Next to nothing. Linds hired her two years ago.”

Joe nodded, “Right. Well I’ll admit something to you. I’ve never liked her. From the first time I met her I just got a bad feeling.”

Gerard was watching him closely and knew once again he was holding back. “Why? What do you know?”

“Nothing that would help you.” Joe admitted. “But once I did see her and some friends at a local bar. She is one party animal. It was when you guys were out of town.” He explained. “She was very drunk.”

Now Gerard was staring at him. “And?”

Joe suddenly looked very uncomfortable. “She recognized me. I’ll admit I was partying too but not nearly as much.” He looked down. “Uh, we started talking and the next thing I knew she was letting me know in very graphic terms what she wanted.”

“Oh fuck.” Gerard muttered.

“Yeah, well.” Joe sighed, “Hey, I’m a single guy and what she was offering was too good to pass up. She wanted to come back here but like I said I knew you guys were out of town but still I wouldn’t have felt right about that. I took her to my place.”

Gerard got himself another drink. Once he was seated he said slowly, “So you fucked the nanny too.”

Joe sighed, “Yeah”

He was having trouble comprehending all of this. “So why don’t you like her? I mean did you think I’d care because she’s Bandit’s nanny?”

Taking another swallow of his drink Joe shook his head. “No, that’s not it. Like I said she was fuckin’ wasted. So wasted she didn’t know what she was saying. Afterwards she giggled and said that fucking Gerard’s friend was good because it made her feel closer to you.”

“Holy shit.” Gerard exploded in the process spilling part of his drink. “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?”

“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me the truth about your marriage? I assumed you and Lindsey were really tight. I just thought the stupid girl was infatuated with you.”

Anger tore thought Gerard, not at his friend but for himself. “Well what a fuckin’ mess. I’ve really fucked up good this time, haven’t I?”

Again the room grew silent as each man was lost in thought.

Gerard poured himself another drink and refilled Joe’s.

“So what are you going to do?’ Joe finally asked.

“What can I do?” Gerard answered hopelessly. “Buy a bigger house? Beg Linds not to divorce me? Fuck the nanny when I need to get off?”

“I just wonder...” Joe paused, “How well Lindsey really knows Karli.”

“What?”

“Well if any of what we’re thinking is true then for now they are on the same page.”

Taking another drink dulled the pain in his heart but it was also beginning to numb his mind. “I don’t follow.”

“Lindsey might think Karli is just a nice young girl who believes she’s in love with you.”

“That bitch ain’t in love with me.” Gerard spat.

Joe shrugged, “Who knows what she thinks? But I get the feeling there is much more to Karli than meets the eye. Maybe in her mind sleeping with you was just the first step in getting what she wants.”

“She ain’t getting shit from me.” Gerard ground out. “Not a fuckin’ thing.”

Joe hated to go on but felt it necessary. “Last night really the only time you fucked her?”

“I told you the truth.”

“Yeah, well I’m sure a condom wasn’t involved.” Joe said watching Gerard’s face, waiting for the implication to hit.

“Oh fuck. Don’t tell me you think she’d claim to be pregnant?”

“One of the oldest tricks in the book.” Joe said softly.

Gerard finished his drink in one swallow then got up to get another. “Yeah, don’t I know it.” This time he simply grabbed the bottle and took it back to his seat. “But she ain’t pregnant. I didn’t come.”

“You sure about that?”

Joe was honestly the only person Gerard could have discussed this with. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure.”

“Pretty sure?” Joe pushed.

As memories of last night washed over him Gerard hung his head. “She had to use her hands to push my limp dick inside her.” He whispered.

“It might have been limp when it went in but…”

“Stop.” Gerard whispered, “Just stop.”

“Man, I’m sorry.” Joe said slowly. “I’m just trying to help you.”

“Yeah.” Gerard took another long swallow of the drink feeling the alcohol burn his throat. “I know but there ain’t anyone who can help me.”

_____________________________________________________________


He fell asleep on the sofa about an hour after Joe left. Now as Gerard opened his eyes he squinted at his watch pushing the button to eliminate the face. It was almost midnight.

Slowly getting to his feet his first thought was to make himself a drink but after a moment he chose to take a shower first. Stumbling down the hallway he tripped over one of Bandit’s stuffed animals in the dark. Tears pricked the back of his eyes as he reached down to lift the toy. He loved his daughter with all his heart but now that heart felt empty and cold.

The shower helped to clear his mind but the ache in his heart remained. Knowing he hadn’t eaten anything all day he made his way through the darkened house to the kitchen. There he made a sandwich with stale bread but it didn’t matter, he barley tasted it.

Briefly he entertained the thought of calling his brother but dismissed the thought quickly. He leaned too much on Mikey who had his own life to deal with. Mikey didn’t need to hear about the mess Gerard had made of his life.

He’d just taken a seat in the living room, drink in hand, when he heard a noise. It sounded as if it had come from the master bedroom. He quickly got to his feet and made his way to the alarm panel beside the front door. All lights showed green, no security breach. He’d just about convinced himself he’d imagined the sound when he heard it again. It was a strange, foreign sound. He forced himself to walk down the hallway, towards the bedroom all the while in his mind remembering how Lindsey had told him the house was haunted. “Yeah, right.” He muttered. In his mind he’d already convinced himself that what he’d seen last night had been alcohol induced, nothing more.

Reaching the bedroom he flipped on the lights while holding his breath. The room was empty. “Fuck” He exhaled with a laugh. “What did I expect?”

He was about to flip the lights back off when his eyes fell on the script painted on the all over the bed.

CASA DE MIS SUEÑOS

Lindsey had painted those words, words taken from the gate outside their new home shortly after they’d moved in. Now looking at the words brought tears to his eyes.

“House of my dreams” he whispered. “It really was.” He could still remember the day she’d painted the words. He could remember how she’d gotten black paint on the tip of her nose, how he’d laughed, how they made love on the bed while the paint dried.

Suddenly all the hurt was too much. He needed to feel something else or it would consume him. “What a joke” He yelled, his voice echoing off the walls. “House of fuckin’ nightmare.” He launched the glass in his hand across the room. It shattered on impact the dark amber liquid running down the wall, covering the letters.

He looked at it a moment then switched off the lights. It didn’t matter there was now shards of glass on the bed. He would never sleep in that bed again.

When he reached the living room he switched on a table lamp, got himself another glass and filled it with whisky. He’d drink until he passed out, he couldn’t think anymore tonight.

It was during the second long swallow of alcohol he felt it. Suddenly the room was cold. He glanced over expecting to see an open window but instead he saw a while haze hovering just above the ground.

“Oh fuck.” He whispered knowing in his heart this time he wasn’t drunk.

Like last night the haze slowly took form. Gerard clutched the drink in his hands so tightly it would have shattered if not for the thick weight of the glass. His mind refused to believe what his eyes were seeing.

The older woman, whose feet dangled inches about the ground, smiled at him sadly.

“no culpe a la casa”

Her voice sent a shiver down his spine but his mind was feverishly trying to understand her words. He realized she was speaking Spanish and while he had a basic knowledge of the language he was having trouble understanding.

“suenos mueren vida continua”

“Dreams die, life continues” he whispered believing he understood.

She nodded.


“liberar el dolor y seguir adelante”

Gerard began shaking his head, he didn’t understand.

“eres fuerte”

“Please” Gerard whispered, “In English” It was at that moment he realized he wasn’t afraid anymore. There was something in her eyes that comforted him.

“un corazón roto mata lentamente”

He was repeating what he heard in his mind, wanting to remember.

The figure was slowly fading.

“buscar consuelo en Neosho caídas que está ahí encontrará las respuestas”

“Wait.” Gerard cried out. “I don’t understand”

His words echoed in the now empty room, the figure was gone.

For several minutes he sat in stunned silence. It wasn’t until he felt the liquid soaking through his jeans from the glass he still clutched in his hand that he moved. “Shit” He righted the glass then jumped to his feet.

Reaching the study he flipped on the lights then grabed a piece of paper. He tried to recall the words she’d spoken. He wrote quickly sounding them out the best he could then turned to the computer. Pulling up a traslater he started plugging in those words. Some made sense while others were obviously wrong. Hours passed as he tried to make since of what he’d heard.

“I’m not crazy, I saw her.” He said out loud to correct the voice in his head that was still in disbelief.

It wasn’t until the early morning sun started to rise above the horizon that Gerard flipped off the computer.

He walked back into the living room still clutching the legal pad were he’d made notes. Some of the words seemed to make sense…broken heart, house, life, dreams, pain,” All these words were ones he could relate to.

Stretching out on the sofa he held the legal pad over his head still studying the words. What had she been telling him? For that matter who was she? Could it be the woman who’d built the house in the 1930’s? Was she upset he’d called this house a house of nightmares?

His eyes were growing heavy but he still continued to stare at the paper. Two words written towards the bottom caught his attention. Falls and Neosho. Those words he was sure he remembered from her first visit but what did they mean? Maybe he’d heard wrong? Sleep finally could not be denied. He thew the legal pad down on the ground then closed his eyes. While part of his mind tried to remind him he had real problems to deal with he ignored it. Right now he couldn’t make himself deal with that, he just couldn’t.

He’d almost fallen asleep when he suddenly sat up. “Holy fuck what am I doing?” He asked the empty room. “I’m fuckin’ losing my mind. I need to get out of here.” His heart began to race. “Shit oh shit. I’m fuckin’ trying to figure out what a ghost told me.”

Fear that he truly was on the brink of losing his mind forced him to make a decision. He was going to sleep now because he needed it but when he woke he’d pack his bags and take off. He didn’t know where he would go, he just knew he had to leave this house. Feeling that he had a plan he laid back down and closed his eyes. It would be good to get away, it would give him a chance to get his head straight. And Lord knew he needed to get his head straight.