Two Years (OneShot)

This was crazy, right? I mean, yeah, they’d met up before in the last couple of years and that went by without a hitch. Mostly.
Frank sighed and ran a hand through his hair - which, he noted, was desperately in need of a trim.
He didn’t know why he was so damn nervous. He’d hung out with all of the guys since that day. He’d even hung out with Mikey after one of his shows for so long that he didn’t get to meet his fans afterwards.
But of course, Mikey wasn’t Gerard, was he? Close enough, Frank supposed, but still not him.
He hadn’t seen him in a few months, and a few obscure pictures from his Instagram and shoots from magazines were the only things he had to confirm what his once best friend looked like now. He looked great, a lot better than he had in the band. He’d gained quite a bit of weight, and Frank couldn’t not notice how healthy he looked.
Happy, too; Gerard looked really, really happy.
Frank’s stomach turned, and he laughed lightly at his own ridiculousness. He couldn’t believe he was actually nervous. This was the guy who, for the last 12 years, he’d shared absolutely everything with. They’d known each other better than anyone else in the world – a result of too many late nights lying in their bunks, talking in hushed whispers, or desperate phonecalls at 3am where their feelings would pour out of them like water, and would only stop when they were completely empty. The other man would then fill them up with soft, murmured words of affection and promises that never actually came true. But then, they always knew that, didn’t they? Frank didn’t actually believe that Gerard would run away with him, did he? It’s not like he wouldn’t have done it, but he knew the other man would never ask.

“You look distracted.” Gerard said with a light smile as he dropped into the seat across from Frank. They were in some dimly lit burger bar somewhere in the middle of Jersey. Frank vaguely remembered it, but couldn’t remember if he’d been there with Gerard or not.
He only realised he still hadn’t replied when Gerard looked at him, eyebrows knitted together in concern.
“Oh. Yeah, I’m just bagged. You know, tour and whatever.” He laughed. Gerard hummed in agreement.
“I appreciate you taking the day off to come see me.” He smiled.
“I thought it was appropriate.” Frank said tightly. Gerard sighed and nodded.
“Yeah. Two years, huh?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you…nevermind.”
“No, what?”
“It’s nothing. How are the kids?” he asked, changing the subject. Frank sighed and smiled.
“Yeah, they’re great. I miss them a lot.”
“And Jamia? She’s good?” Gerard asked, an odd tone tainting his voice that Frank couldn’t quite place.
“Yeah, she’s great. I miss her too, actually.” Frank laughed.
“Mm. I bet.” Gerard said, pulling his jacket off.
“You look really great.” Frank blurted out. Gerard smiled softly, fondness creeping onto his face.
“Thanks, Frankie. You look really good, too.” He murmured, blushing, and Frank’s heart skipped at the nickname.
“You went to England recently? How was that? I know how much you love it there.” Frank said with a light smile. Gerard laughed and looked down at the table, his long eyelashes sweeping across his cheek.
“Mm, it was awesome. I really do love it there. I did two encores in London.” He said brightly and Frank laughed.
“That must’ve been interesting.”
“They fucking lost their minds.” Gerard beamed. Frank’s heart fluttered, and he forced himself to look away. Why the fuck was this so painful? Frank blamed the date. That fucking date that sat awkwardly on his calendar, sandwiched between the 21st and the 23rd and darkening that whole week. He sighed and scratched his neck.
“Your new stuff is great, you know. I like the whole brit-pop thing. I remember you were always into that.” He said, smiling gently.
“Yeah. Me and my weird-ass Morrissey obsession.” Gerard smiled.
“I liked it. You know, your obsession. It was nice.” Frank replied.
“I like your new record too.” Gerard said quickly – a strategy Frank recognised as one he used when he was uncomfortable. His long, pale fingers tugged at his tie nervously.
“Yeah, you said. Thanks.” Frank said weakly.
“I like that one song. All I Want. It’s so-“
“I hoped you’d like that one.” Frank said, his eyes boring into Gerard’s intensely. Gerard fiddled with his tie a bit more, avoiding Frank’s gaze.
“Y’know, if I’d known we were writing songs about each other-“
“I didn’t think it was that big a deal.” Frank sniffed. Gerard sighed.
“You didn’t tell me. I didn’t think that was okay.”
“It’s not like you’d have written me one if you knew. It doesn’t matter, does it? Let’s just forget it.”
“I just meant it wasn’t personal. It’s not like I don’t care about you. I just needed to-“
“Completely isolate yourself from that part of your life.”
“Um. I guess so.”
“Yeah.”
“You’re mad at me.” Gerard pointed out. It wasn’t a question, but a resounding, truthful statement. Frank sighed and ran a hand through his hair.
“No, I’m not mad. I just think this was a mistake.”
“Oh.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s fine. I kind of get it.”
“Mm. You don’t though, do you?” Frank said, his eyes flicking up to meet Gerard’s.
“This day is painful enough without this, Frank. Can we just forget it?”
“Again, you mean. Forget it again. Like we always did.”
“I don’t want to talk about this now.” Gerard said tersely – a warning. One Frank knew well, too. His heart raced, hope pumping through his veins because he got Gerard to fucking respond to something instead of dancing around it like he always did. That, at least, was a victory.
“Why is All I Want your favourite song from my album?” Frank asked suddenly. Gerard sighed.
“You know why.”
“Because it’s about you?”
“I didn’t know it was about me when I first listened to it. It was only when you told me-“
“That’s a lie.”
“What?”
“That’s a lie, Gerard. Half of the damn fans knew it was about you, so I don’t want to hear any bullshit about you not knowing. You knew.”
“So what if I did, okay? That’s not why I liked it.”
“Whatever.”
“God, Frank. Why are you being such an asshole?” Gerard hissed. Frank realised then that they’d both leaned forward, so they were almost touching. Gerard realised this too, and leaned back in his seat.
“Because I miss you.” Frank snapped. Gerard’s face softened a little.
“I miss you too. You know that.”
“Not like that. I don’t miss you just because I haven’t seen you. I’ve been missing you for 8 years. We haven’t been the same since-“
“Don’t, Frankie. Please.”
“You know though.”
“What did you want me to do? You got married, Frank. Fucking married. What was I supposed to do? Wait for you? Just sit around and wait for you to come back? If I’d done that, God knows where I’d have been. I’m being serious, Frank. What the hell did you want from me?” Gerard said, lowering his voice because he realised he’d started shouting.
“I-I don’t know.” Frank admitted.
“Exactly. You never know.” Gerard said wearily.
“You didn’t need to do what you did, though. Fucking rush into a marriage? That was immature as fuck.”
“I fell in love, Frank. It happens.”
“Four months. You two were together for four months.” Frank said incredulously.
“So? I love her.” Gerard said bluntly. Frank felt the words burning at the tip of his tongue, and tried desperately not to let them come out. He knew what would happen if they did.
“You love me too.” He said softly, hopefully. Gerard sucked in a breath.
“You’re right. This was a mistake.” Gerard said nervously, reaching for his coat. Frank stopped him, grabbing his arm and smiling grimly.
“No, I’m sorry. I’ll let it go.” Frank said softly. Gerard turned back towards him and shook his head.
“You know what I really did the first time I heard your album?” Gerard said softly. Frank shook his head.
“I cried. I cried like a motherfucker, and then I took a walk. When I got home, I listened to All I Want and wrote the lyrics down and looked at them, and then I almost called you, but I couldn’t, so I tweeted about you instead.” Gerard said slowly. Frank bit his lip – he knew what he was trying to say. Hesitantly, he reached out and touched Gerard’s hand, and almost smiled when he entwined their fingers.
“We can’t just ignore this, Gee. This isn’t working.” Frank said softly.
“I’m happy, you know. Happier than I’ve been in years. I’m clean, I’m making music that I love, I have a gorgeous wife and the most amazing daughter. I’m drawing again, even. Everything’s perfect.” Gerard said with a light smile.
“Not everything, though. You miss me. You said it yourself, Gee.”
“Of course I miss you, Frank. God, I miss the hell out of you. You were my best friend. How could I even try to forget you?”
“I have kids too, remember. And a beautiful wife. And my music is awesome. I’m happy too.”
“Good. I want you to be.”
“No, but Gerard, you’re not getting it. I’m happy, but I’m not…happy. Not really. Not without-“
“Don’t.”
“Not without you.” Frank said intensely. Gerard looked away, chewing on his lip.
“Maybe we can talk more? Hang out a little bit more-“
“That’s not enough.”
“It won’t ever be enough for you.” Gerard snapped. Frank laughed bitterly.
“No, it won’t. Not until you’re mine again.” He said. Gerard almost gasped at his boldness.
“I wasn’t ever yours.”
“You could have been. I wanted you to be.”
“But I wasn’t, and I’m not. I thought you knew what we were.” Gerard said coldly.
“Yeah, I knew; a quick fuck in a backstage toilet, or a blowjob behind the bus, or a kiss onstage. It never meant anything, right?” Frank said, raising his eyebrows. Gerard let out a breath of air.
“You know that’s not what I meant.”
“It’s true though. It was fine for me to fuck you, but the second I told you that-“
“Frank, that’s enough.”
“The second I told you that I loved you, then it was over.”
“Because I didn’t want you like that.” Gerard groaned.
“You didn’t want me. At all. End of story.” Frank accused. Gerard pressed his lips together.
“You got married. That’s what changed. Don’t act like this was all me.”
“Did you ever bother to ask yourself why I got married?”
“Because you fell in love with Jamia.” Gerard said, as if it was obvious.
“Yes. And no. I fell in love with her, but that was because I let myself fall in love with her, and I only did that because I knew you’d never let me have you in the way I needed to. I didn’t want to be your cheap fuck, I wanted to be yours.”
“It’s a moot point now, isn’t it? We’re both married with kids and all that shit. Can’t we just hang out like we used to?” Gerard groaned.
“Hang out like we used to? Do you even remember what that meant? It meant us going out for coffee, and then going back to someone’s house, or a hotel, or the bus, and me fucking your brains out until you couldn’t walk. That’s how we hung out.”
“Right.”
“What?”
“I just didn’t think we fucked that often.” Gerard admitted with a light laugh.
“Yeah, we did.”
“Oh.” Gerard said uselessly. They sat in complete silence for a moment, Gerard looking down at the table, and Frank’s eyes fixed on the older man, afraid to even blink in case he disappeared.
“It doesn’t have to be a moot point.” He said eventually. Gerard looked up, his expression tired. With his face like that, Frank could see the signs of age on his face; the tight lines across his eyes that never used to be there, or the slight wrinkles on his forehead that were definitely new. He was still beautiful, though – always beautiful.
“Hm?”
“This. It’s not…impossible. We could still-“
“No, Frank.” Gerard said firmly.
“Why?” Frank asked, his mouth dry. Gerard squeezed his fingers where they were still clasped in his hand.
“Because I love my wife. I really, really do love her. And my daughter is pretty much the centre of my whole universe.I can’t leave them, Frankie, not even for you. It’s just too late for all of that.” Gerard said softly, not angry anymore.
“We could have though.” Frank murmured.
“I know. We could have done it, and we would’ve been great.’ Gerard agreed.
“You did love me, didn’t you? You never said it to me.” Frank sighed.
“Yeah, Frank. I loved you.” Gerard said gently, his eyes focusing on Frank’s. Frank’s stomach tightened at his words, and he let his eyes flutter shut.
“Mm. Just say it again, please? One more time? I’ve waited 14 years for you to say it.” He said, opening his eyes slowly. Gerard smiled softly.
“I loved you, Frank. I really, really loved you.”
“But you don’t anymore.” Frank murmured. Gerard paused, like he was considering it, then shook his head sadly.
“No. Not anymore. I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s okay. It’s enough to know that you did. I just wish you’d told me.” Frank whispered, dangerously close to tears.
“I had my reasons for not telling you. I think you knew that.”
“I did.” Frank nodded. Gerard stood up then, grabbing his jacket, and this time Frank didn’t try to stop him.
“Well. Happy anniversary.” He smiled lopsidedly, and Frank couldn’t help but smile back.
“Yeah, you too. Guess I’ll see you next year?” he said, unable to stop the bitterness in his tone. Gerard nodded slowly.
“Yeah. Maybe.”

Notes

Yeah, so I thought since it's the two year anniversary tomorrow, I should post some disgustingly painful drabble for us all to cry over. <3