It's Not a Fashion Statement

The last click echoes, ringing in my ears and driving me insane, my head pounding and tearing apart because of the violent noise, and I hold Frankie in my arms so tight that I can be sure the last thing I smell, see, hold, is him.
But when the echo starts to fade, I cautiously look up to find no one there, the gun on the floor, right next to the man who put it under my chin, sprawled out across the stone pavements in silence.
Everything is a blur and I really have no idea what is happening, the only thing I see is the bright yellow police line tape marking the dark alley, cars and vans parked around.
Someone tries to pull Frankie out of my arms but I don’t let them, I cling onto his body, not even thinking and just trusting my own instincts to keep him safe with me.
“Sir, he needs medical attention immediately, if we're going to save him you have to let go-“
I look up, tears staining my cheeks, confused and completely helpless, frozen on the spot…
I slowly let go and he’s immediately pulled from my embrace, and I feel cold and weak and so venerable, small and helpless. Instant regret, and I reach forwards to hold him back in my arms, but he isn’t there.
He’s carried into the back of an ambulance…and another body, oh my god my brother, mikey-

Someone wraps their arms around me, picking me up and guiding me to another ambulance, carrying me over the body of Bert lying on the floor.

“how-how’s he?” I stutter, pointing at his body, confused out of my mind.

“shh, sweetie, just relax okay-“ a door of the ambulance Frankie is in slams shut, and my heart races and my body repels from the arms holding me up, fighting them off and my feet carrying me to Frankie.

“no, you can’t be in there-“
Hands grab at me and pull me back, whilst the van starts moving and the sirens flash and the tires screech, Frankie moving away from me and I just feel so lost, I need to be with him, fuck, I need to hold him and know that everything is going to be okay. Because it is, right?
I’m pulled into another van and held down, whilst I ask question after question to the doctors and nurses that check my body and feel around for any signs that I need some form of medical attention, but I don’t need any of that, I just need my brother to be okay and I just need Frankie to be okay and fuck, I just need to be there and know they’re gonna be alright. Because nothing can just fall apart like that in an instant, that fast? Can it?

“sir, no we can’t let you see them yet-“
And I cry, and I sob, and I thrash around and try all I can to rid myself from their grips, to escape the needle that’s pointing towards my skin.
"ARE THEY GONNA BE OKAY? TELL ME THEY'RE GONAN BE OKAY?" i plead, desperate.
"yes. they'll be fine."
And I do all I can, to just try and avoid the needle that’ll numb my mind and send me to sleep, and try, I really do, but I just can’t get away, not with all these hands and people holding me back.

And everything just fades, whilst I calm down and my heart slows to the average pace, and the mask over my face supports every breath steadily, and for a little while, I’m in peace.
-


I open my eyes, and the room is white and I’m on some weird uncomfortable bed and- fuck I’m in a hospital. Well isn’t that wonderful.
I look down at my arms that are patched with bandages and thick plasters, before looking around the room and sitting up. My head spins and I have to rub my eyes to wake myself up. Where’s Frankie?

I slide out of the bed, still in my jeans and t-shirt from last night- oh my god, last night.
I stand to my feet way too quickly, darting out the room without a second thought, no, no what is happening? Where are they, where’s my brother and where’s my Frankie?

I run down the corridors of the hospital, trying to talk to a nurse, or find reception, or even better, one of them.

“Gerard?”
I bump into someone, panting and blushing and apologizing, before their arms wrap around my frame and I’m left standing with their arms around me, holding my breath because what the hell.

I look up, disgusted at first, who the fuck is hugging me? Until my moms teary eyes and completely devastated face comes into view, and I relax, her hands clutching onto me and holding me for dear life. I breathe out shakily, hugging her back.
“mom.” I whisper, before breaking into sobs and relying on her to hold me up.
“My god, you’re okay, god, I got a call at midnight telling me my two boys were in hospital and i-“
She breaks off into sobs, holding me against her and letting her tears run and run. I’ve never seen my mom cry, and it honestly breaks my heart to see her so distraught, I mean who wouldn’t be, getting a call her only two kids are in hospital.

“I thought I had lost both of you, I’ve been searching all morning and no one would tell me where you were and, oh my god, my baby-“
Her tears soak through my shirt, or maybe they’re my tears, or maybe they’re both of our tears, most likely. Her hands grip me and one combs through my hair, whilst she squeezes me so tight
I almost suffocate.

“What do you mean, what about mikey-“
I ask, suddenly processing what she just said.
She looks at me so full of sympathy, biting her lip to hold back the choked cry that I can tell she really needs to just let out.
“He, he died instantly, apparently, he was shot in the neck and couldn’t breath, and- and I don’t know but he was dead for too long and the doctors couldn’t do anything-“

“But they said he’d be okay? They said he’d be alright and they told me, they told me in the ambulance he’d be okay-“
I shout, doubting my mother’s words. This is all some sort of cruel joke, right? Someone’s gonna either wake me up, shake me back to perfect reality or everyone is gonna pop up from under the tables and shout ‘surprise, tricked you Gerard!!’ and pass around cake.
Doctors don’t lie, they can’t do that.


“No, Gerard sweetie, I can’t ever come to terms with it but, but we just have to accept it’s happened honey-“

I push away from my mom, backing away to find a doctor. No, she’s wrong. Mikey isn’t dead, fuck, Mikey is alive. I know he is.

“Where is he mom? Where is he? Where’s mikey?”

“Gerard, no, stop, you’ll get too stressed out, you’re already suffering from concussion, you can’t have anymore stress-“

“Where is he, mom, tell me where he is?”
She grips onto my shoulders, sighing and rubbing her forehead.

“Honey, I know it’s hard, he’s gone though, it wasn’t anyone here’s fault, and things happen, and believe me I’ve had the hardest night ever trying to comprehend it. And I know how hard it is baby, I do, I’ve had a night from hell, your father can barely move, we know. But I’m so sorry gee, Mikey is gone.”

I just stand there, numb, the tears finished and I’m unable to produce anymore.

“What about Frankie? Please don’t tell me he’s-“
My mum bites her lip and wraps her arms around my shoulders, whilst I stare blankly into the distance.
“I’m so sorry-“

Notes

lolol u thought it was the end yeah.
WELL NO.
i said the click of the last gunshot echoes through his ears, tearing apart his brain. i didn't say it was a bullet, it was the sound of it. (i didn't mean it literally, basically) and for those of you who still haven't quite got it, (this seems sort of confusing im sorry) it was a police officer shooting bert, it wasn't berts gun. so yeah. gerards alive lolol.
i really couldn't wait any longer to post this.