The other end was dead. I immediately doubted my decision to reciprocate the L bomb. Why would I have done that? HOW could I have done that. I was so upset with myself that I didn't even bother to get back up to brush my teeth before bed, I just curled up into a ball on the couch and stayed there for most of the night.

I couldn't believe myself. I should have just waited until he'd come home to talk to him. I got myself so worked up that I even fell back into one of my old habbits. It had been about six months since the last time I had cut. The last time, my mother was home so I had to be especially careful to hide it from her. With no one else in the house, it was harder to restrain myself. My right thigh was pretty well covered in scars, from when I got stressed, depressed, angry. Before October and Toby came into my life, I hadn't really known how else to deal with my extreme emotions or my other issues for that matter. I had only known that focusing my mind on the pain made the other emotions fade away into the background. Watching the blood flow this time was a little more scary. It had been such a long time since I'd last done it, and instead of feeling the pain and numbing of my emotions, I instead just fell into a state of hysteria. I threw the knife away from me, sobbing and immediately began applying pressure on the few cuts I'd made, knowing that this wasn't going to help tonight. A wave of guilt came over me, knowing that I should have just called someone, not done what I had. But this is where I always fell short. I knew everytime that I'd done it what I SHOULD do, but I'd never done it.

Once the bleeding had slowed, I'd managed to calm down enough to go to my bed. I got up in the morning and went to work. It was a horrible day because of my lack of sleep. I'd had maybe four hours of sleep, and all I wanted to do was go back home and sleep for days. I was ashamed to face Gerard when he got back. He didn't yet know about this part of me, I didn't want him to know it. I didn't want anyone to know it. I knew that I should tell October about my slip up, that was our deal- if I had any slip ups, she would help me get back on track again. Instead, I kept it to myself. I didn't want to worry anyone, and I especially didn't want to explain to her why it had happened.

When I got home from work I figured the best thing for me to do for the night was stay busy. I pulled out an old scrapbook I had given up on weeks ago, and started working at it again. I called October and asked her to just come over in the morning instead of having her over for the night. She'd be staying the following night anyway so it wasn't such a big deal. I just knew that if she came around tonight that I'd be caught and have explaining to do. At least at the party the attention would be on the brothers, not myself. I'd be safe then.